SamTakesOff

DontJealousMe

NaijaBoyz

Dulo

Chief Obi

Remember back then, how we’d chorus ‘lawyer, doctor, engineer’ when asked what we wanted to be in future? Well, things are a little different now. Wind has blown and fowl’s yansh has cleared. Times are changing, and with it, professions too.

Imagine you didn’t have to work a typical 9-5. Where work could be just about anywhere you chose for it to be? Or if, instead of dropping pouts/ peace signs and waiting for your crush to finally notice on Instagram or Twitter, you could actually get paid to do so?

For many, this is their very real reality. They are known as influencers, or social media influencers if we’re being super exact. Owed to their large following on social media, they are believed to have established credibility in a certain field and can therefore persuade others to act based on their recommendations.

I had my first understanding of social media influencers when all the Kardashians I follow (and yes, I follow all of them – even Rob) kept posting these unnatural shots with strange LED teeth whitening devices, despite having lipstick and a full face-beat on.

Popularly known for fashion and … being famous, what consigns Kim with this strange AI Close-Up? I Googled the company and made a mental note to try them out when the bag was secure enough to get my teeth fixed. Little did I know by doing so, I was more or less fulfilling the influencer oracle.

This is because influencers are hired to, well- influence. Pushing a product through an influencer can be taken as more organic advertising to their large following. If my gullible ass was willing to try the product out because Kim has great teeth and claims to use it – imagine how much influence she wields over her 122.5million followers?

And just FYI, Kim gets paid about $500 000 per Instagram post she puts up. If you check her Instagram page, ads full ground. Still holding on to that engineer dream?

Like Kim’s example, the higher the number of followers influencers have, the higher their street cred and prices. This stretches to Youtube where 6 year old Ryan, who reviews toys to his 17 million plus followers manages to pull $22 million in one year alone. YouTube couple – De’arra and Ken also boo’ed up their way to several endorsement deals worth about $2.1 million. making vlogs for their over 5 million subscribers.

Nigeria isn’t left from the influencer action. Social media stars like Maraji, made me want to tear my employment letter, when she revealed she makes about 500 000 to 1 million naira per sponsored post she puts up to her 1 million followers. Lasisi Elenu is another influencer on the come up. While taking filters from Snapchat to give them on Instagram, his efforts are worth the hype, as he has been known to charge close to ₦250 000 per post on Instagram.

Anyway, let me go and brush up on my selfie game. If you people think 2019, I’m not making this Instagram money, guess again.

Saving money is hard, you guys. You tell yourself that you’ll save more when you start earning more but you never do. Because in the immortal words of Notorious B.I.G:

It’s not even just that. You slowly (and subconsciously) upgrade your standard of living the second you start earning more. This isn’t a bad thing, but a lot of people overdo it to the point where it feels like the salary increase didn’t make a difference.

Saving is important and I care about your wellbeing. This is why I’m here with this step-by-step guide about saving money in 8 steps. Thank me later.

1. Track your expenses.

If you want to start saving, you have to figure out how much you spend. Track every single expense (the bottled water you bought in traffic, the 50 naira you paid the cobbler that fixed your shoe etc) because it’s those miscellaneous expenses you don’t give a second thought to that really hurt your bank account. When you have this info, put them in categories. E.g food, bills etc.

2. Organize your recorded expenses into a budget.

Your budget should show how your expenses measure up against your income so it’ll enable you to avoid overspending. Along with your monthly expenses, remember to include those expenses that are constants but don’t happen every month. E.g. car maintenance fees, etc.

3. Create a savings category in your budget.

Experts say to save 20% of your income every month. A higher percentage is fine but less is not advised. However, if you’re new to the concept of saving or 20% is too high, start small with 10% or 15% while you cut back on nonessentials (and some essentials you can afford to spend less on). The key is to consider the money you put in savings as a regular expense similar to other important expenses.

4. Decide on something to save for.

One of the best ways to save money is to set a goal. Start by thinking of what you might want to save for (marriage, vacation, retirement etc), then figure out how much money you’ll need and how long it might take you to save it.

5. Prioritize your saving goals.

Your goals (after your income and expenses) have the biggest impact on how your savings are allocated. Learn to prioritize saving goals so you know which to start with. For example, if you’ll need to change your wardrobe soon, you might want to start saving for that now.

It’s also important to remember that long-term goals shouldn’t be neglected in favour of short-term goals.

6. Pick the right tools for your saving goals.

For short-term saving  goals, take one of these into consideration:
– Savings account
– Certificate of Deposit & Short Term Investment Fund (locks in your money for a fixed period of time with an interest rate much higher than a savings account).

For long-term saving goals, consider:

• – Retirement Savings Account (RSA)
• – Individual Retirement Account (IRA)
• – Securities,  such as Mutual Funds or Stocks. Know that these securities are subject to investment risks and possible loss of your principal.

7. Automate your saving

Setting automated transfers to your savings account the moment your salary enters is great because you don’t have to think about it, and it greatly reduces the temptation to spend.

8. Track your progress

At the end of every month, review your budget and check your progress. Doing this will help in identifying and fixing problems, while also gingering you to stay on your savings plan and hit your goals faster.

I hope this helps you on your journey to saving. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone in this. We asked the cast of the new season of our show, Nigerians Talk, about their saving habits and the responses we got were pretty hilarious. Check it out below:

You’ve heard it all before. Nollywood, Nigeria’s super-prolific movie industry is wack.

Nollywood has given us movies like “Ti Oluwa N’ile” that raised us in the absence of our parents.

Yet Nigerians, especially the younger generation seem to have a healthy distaste for the quality of movies that make it out of Nollywood and for the industry itself.

But if you look closely, you’ll find that Nollywood is a rare gem and we actually won’t die if we just appreciate its greatness.

Here are a couple of things that prove we don’t really deserve Nollywood.

Ain’t Nobody Got Numbers Like Us (Except India, Of Course)

Nigeria’s movie industry is the 2nd largest in the world. What that means is that we produce the 2nd highest number of movies – 2000 of them every year – in the world. That’s a lot considering many filmmakers don’t have access to funding, and the industry is largely unstructured, meaning movies like “Return of Iron Man (Season 1-12) almost never make the numbers. Put some respek on those figures plis.

… And The People Are Watching From All Over

Nigerian movies are the most consumed on the African continent.

Yes, they may have 15-minute-long scenes where Desmond Elliot is simply walking through a mall to depressing music, but the people love it.

Nigerian movies are a fan favourite in countries as far away as Rwanda and Kenya – where many locals have learned to speak in Nigerian accents and Nollywood actors are A-list stars.

There’s also Youtube where RealNollywoodClips, a channel that shares Nollywood movies, has over 3,000,000 subscribers and over 1,000,000,000 views. Ees nor a small thing.

It’s Grown So Much That It Has Its Own Ecosystem

There’s no better proof of how massive Nollywood is than the brands and businesses that now thrive off it.

Nollywood is the reason DSTV has Africa Magic; a chain of six channels that offer nothing but Nigerian movies round the clock, 7 days a week.

Thanks to Nollywood, Asaba is a movie production hub that employs thousands of young men and women. And then there’s Aba – particularly Pound Road and Iweka Road. If you don’t know, you better ask somebody.

And All That Goodness Comes With Free Life Lessons

To be fair, you can get a good movie from just about anywhere.

But how many movies can teach you the simple life lesson that stolen crowns are heavy on the head (like Tunde Kelani’s Saworoide)?

How many movies can explain how ill-gotten wealth only brings grave consequences (S/O to Last Burial) while taking control of your bladder and leaving you wondering if God isn’t already angry at you for all the bad things you’ve been thinking of doing.

While I’m sure you’ve learned your fair share of lessons from Pete Edochie and Kanayo O. Kanayo, you should watch the cast of Nigerians Talk discuss Nollywood and share their learnings.

Drop whatever it is you’re doing and fall in love with Nollywood again on this episode.

Like the chicken and the egg, the question of what comes first between cereal and milk will forever be debatable. But beyond that like with everything Nigerian, Nigerians can be extra af about how they eat their cereal. We asked 9 Nigerians to tell us about it and we got some weird answers.

• I can’t eat any cereal without hot water. I don’t even care, especially golden morn the only way to eat it is with hot water. If Garri didn’t turn into eba when you put hot water that’s how I’d drink it too. – Rachel

• I don’t think I have any particular preferences. Na anyhow I dey chop cereal. I like it with plenty sugar sha, but not too much milk. I used to take a lot of milk and then I turned 22 and became lactose intolerant. But once in a while, I eat it like that because something must kill a man. – Segun

• First of all, I’ll like to state for the record that the milk goes first and anyone who does otherwise is not really ok. The only way I can eat cereal is if the water is ice-cold. Lik, when you can see ice block that kind of thing. If there’s ice block in the freezer I’ll put it too. – Tayo

• I like to put just a bit of coffee in my cornflakes every morning. It gives it a very nice kick. – Ronke

• Just forget milk completely, cereal and milk is actually very overrated. If you want to use enjoyment to kill yourself put milo instead of milk. See ehn Milo and golden morn is what they serve in heaven. – Richard

• I can’t eat cereal if the milk in it isn’t thick like ogi. I can put like three big spoons of milk and a drop of water. Sometimes I even use yoghurt instead of milk. But obviously because of the way I take milk I don’t eat cereal when owu is blowing. – Tolani

• The best way to eat cereal is to put milk and let it soak properly. Some people might think I’m mad but when it’s very soggy and wet that’s the best time to eat cereal. – Charles

Back when I was little, it would have been a little hard to find anyone more excited for Christmas than me. You know how you can tell the owner of Shoprite is just obsessed with Christmas, because they always drop pre-Christmas vibes and put all their decorations up at the stroke of October? Well, that was exactly me, only with the adrenaline of a five-year old.

Christmas clothes- check.

Manipulating parents to put decorations up earlier than was reasonable- check.

Forcing everyone to watch Home Alone with me Christmas day, complete with our Christmas clothes to boot- check, check, check.

I even fought anyone that tried to open presents before Boxing Day. I never really won this one, but no one can say 5-year-old me didn’t put up a fight.

I was obsessed with Christmas, and I never asked it, but I’m pretty sure it was obsessed with me too. But then I turned 9.

Now, while I always knew Christmas was Jesus’ birthday, and there was always a family prayer come the 25th — that was the year I became all too aware that Christmas is hardly for celebration, and instead was ‘a day for sober reflection’ (direct quote from my daddy btw).

Instead of staying home and wasting time watching movies, Christmas should instead be spent at the retreat grounds, chilling with Jesus directly. What is a Home Alone?

So while Christmas mornings usually saw me wolfing down more jollof rice and chicken than a little human being should consume as a matter of health and well-being- by age 9, you could catch baby Boyin at the very front of the church auditorium, Christmas Day- firing and kabashing enemies trying to stand in the way of Common Entrance that year.

A few years down the line, my Christmas spirit had worsened and was at an all- time low. If anybody fired you banger at Deeper Life Camp Ground on Christmas day a number of years ago, sorrry! I was being very performative with my teenage angst, and wanted all the other bad kids at the campground to like me.

Don’t call the police on me, pls dear.

Anyway, after your girl had grown wings and didn’t have to spend Christmas at Church, Christmas rocks took over. And if I’m being honest, I might actually prefer the campgrounds.

These days, once I hear ‘Christmas’, my account balance does the sign of the cross and braces for impact.

Where formerly, our parents carried the full weight of Christmas on their chest, and all we had to do was exist and be cute. These days, I am all too aware of how much Christmas really costs.

Not only do we now have to buy presents for our family and friends, if you leave us in the single fold and jump in a relationship, that’s added gbese for you. Plus February 14th is just around the corner, and you know what that means.

If presents aren’t enough to run you down, the Christmas turn-ups and expenses that come with them are always unending. I’ve already sent a PSA to all my friends. I’m pulling a Daddy Boyin and using this Christmas period for sober reflection.

I still haven’t recovered from last year’s rockies, it’s not me you people will run down.

How do you spend Christmas these days? Do you miss being little and not having to cook the Christmas jollof rice everyone eats? We asked the cast of Nigerians Talk how they feel about the season and got hilarious responses. Watch all of them here:

Santa Claus is coming.

(Or has already come, depending on when you see this.)

It’s Christmas time and ’tis the season to be jolly because you’re about to get a visit from an immortal biblically-bearded, middle-aged man in a red head-to-toe mink tracksuit combo bearing gifts and good cheer.

At some point, society seemingly made a joint decision to just ignore all the shady things about this man who we know nothing about but trust unconditionally to not murder us in our sleep when he breaks into our houses every December 24th. All because of the prospect of presents.

Hopefully, what I’m about to tell you opens your eyes.

1. Santa Claus runs a toy sweat shop up in the north pole using elves as slaves.

Over the centuries, there has been propaganda (funded by Santa himself) meant to make his home, the north pole, seem like a wonderful place full of happy and healthy elves who have willingly dedicated their lives to making toys.

But here’s the tea.

This man has held those poor elves captive for millennia, forcing them to mass produce toys year in year out. It’s cruel, and I’m frankly surprised human rights organizations haven’t looked into this yet. Have they turned a blind eye to the elves’ suffering because elves technically aren’t humans? Or has Mr Claus paid them off?

Something to think about.

2. He has a track record of animal cruelty.

The coolness of this picture aside, look at that reindeer.

LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT HOW MUCH PAIN HE’S IN!

He has these animals haul his sleigh (containing his fat ass and a shit ton of presents) around the world in ONE NIGHT. Let’s not even talk about the time the other reindeer made fun of and ostracized Rudolph (because of his glowing red nose) and Santa knew about it but did nothing, leaving Rudolph to endure a hostile work environment.

Where is PETA when you need them? Have their palms also been greased?

#TheTruthIsOutThere

3. He’s fond of breaking and entering

Santa could mail the presents to all the houses. He could drop them at everyone’s doorsteps. There are a lot of other ways to distribute presents, but this nigga chooses to invade people’s houses by sliding down the chimney. Which is bizarre because given his size, moving through a chimney would be crazy difficult.

Also, I’m assuming that when he encounters a house that doesn’t have a chimney, he just picks the lock or breaks a window like a cat burglar. He seemingly doesn’t know (or chooses to disregard the fact) that breaking and entering is a crime, and I don’t understand why no one but me is terrified by this.

Well, me and this guy:

Santa coming into houses unannounced like… yuletimes up

— Ira (@ira) December 23, 2018

4. He likes to watch children sleep for some reason.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.” 

Is he a stalker with a fetish? Is he a paedophile? I’m not exactly sure. But what I am sure of, is that those lines from the carol are a coded warning from the writers of the song. This is what they really meant to say:

5. He constantly cheats on his wife, Mrs Claus.

There’s a Christmas carol sung from the POV of a child that goes,

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

That was Santa kissing that boy’s mother goodbye after what I assume was a two and a half minute quickie, and the poor little boy thought it was just an innocent peck. Also, this brings up many questions:

• – Is this is a pattern for Santa? Does he go from house to house wrecking families like this?

• – Does Mrs Claus know that her husband is scum who uses this annual trip as an excuse to take advantage of lonely housewives?

• – How many STDs has he brought back to her over the centuries??

• – Do you realize how unhappy she must be? Trapped in a loveless marriage for centuries with an adulterous husband? This tweet should give you some idea:

Mrs. Claus taking Santa’s stroke https://t.co/aIZ5buMRj0

— The Whore of Charm School (@urbestenemy) December 23, 2018

You know what the worst part of all this is?

He’s an immortal wizard with access to insanely powerful magic. He’s like Zeus if Zeus had paedophilic tendencies in addition to being an adulterous manwhore. For all we know, they’re probably friends who trade stories of their sexual conquests over cups of ambrosia whenever they hang out.

My point is, humanity is screwed.

About two weeks ago, I was caught up in traffic for five hours on Eko bridge. It’s not that I went to a couple of places that day, and spent a cumulative of five hours in traffic — no.

What happened was, I decided to take part in you people’s Detty December rocks, and because I didn’t invite Uncle Ambode to Quilox with me, I was punished with 5 back to back hours on Lagos’ shakiest, most trailer-laden bridge.

See my frustration in this tweet, and this was only the first hour oh, LOL for myself.

By the third hour, I had cursed everybody responsible for Lagos’ government. So if you or your daddy have been dropping non-stop and embarrassingly loud farts in public spaces, just know that’s my work.

I couldn’t for the life of me understand what I was still doing in Lagos, so I started doing the Math towards moving to Ibadan, finding my 200k, 5-bedroom mansion and starting a new, traffic-free life there. I was finally cancelling Lagos, and that was that.

To be honest, there is every reason to feel this way. We are just not living right in this state. If you’re doubtful, here are some of the reasons you should be considering checking out too:

Have you seen where you’d be on your own and a whole trailer would be speeding and dragging road with you like it’s a Picanto? Catch that live in Lagos. The humility I always use to beg whoever’s driving me to steer clear of those mad people is not from here. I can even hands up in the car. It’s not me you’ll kill for my mother.

See Lagos, see dirt. I don’t know about you, but I am tayad of seeeing dirt on the roads and in gutters. If we don’t take time, as we’re dropping the first leg once we wake up, it would land in a pile of rubbish. I am here to tell you brethren, that this is no way to live.

Anyway, by hour 4.5 in that mad traffic, my friend who had been keeping me company the whole time- told me about this mad rocks happening in VI the very next day, followed by a boat cruise later that weekend. And would you believe it, just like that, Lagos started looking fine to me again. Miracle wonda!

Next thing you know, I started thinking – is the traffic really that bad? Won’t it clear one day? If dirt is blocking my way, is it not to push it one side? If the trailer stays on its lane and I on mine, God no go vex abi?

See, for all its faults, there’s no place that can kill you with enjoyment like Lagos. You can try, but you won’t find. Plus Lagos has beaches and Ibadan has… Shoprite. So that my mansion, it might have to wait for now.

Anyway, that’s my love-hate story on this loca Lagos state. To hear what other, way more fun people think about living in Lagos, make sure to check out this episode of “Nigerian’s Talk” , where the cast share their feelings on what they hate about Lagos and how they use their insufficient funds to handle all of its rocks.

Some are downright unbelievable

Some, unexpected

Some, simply hilarious

Some, a little disappointing

And for some, we just couldn’t find what to feel

1. Big Brother Naija

2. Black Panther

3. Chioma Assurance

4. The Royal Wedding

5. The ‘In My Feelings’ Challenge

6. Zanku Legwork

7. Mr. Spellz

Buhari buru B-O ehen? E-O ehen? Enu-I ehen?

N-R ehen? R-I ehen? N-U ehen?

E-O ehen? N-I ehen? N-R ehen?

R-I ehen? N-U ehen? E-O! Eeeh!

8. S.T.E.W

We would like to remember those who passed away in the tanker explosion on Otedola bridge earlier this year. May their souls rest in perfect peace.

Described as an artist running out of second chances, Burna Boy was his own biggest problem going into 2018.

The self-destructive auteur had managed every step on the path to fulfilling his doubtless talent–the debut single, mixtape and album trio, nationwide hits, the international record deal even.

But every two steps forward had come with a display of the moonwalk–alarmingly deliberate moves, beautiful even, but with only one victim; Burna himself.

Damini Ogulu has always tethered on that line–the one habited by the gang members of hip-hop, Afropop’s internet fraudsters–where socially prominent individuals are often linked with criminal behaviour.

His stint in Port Harcourt’s underground scene came after he reportedly violated his parole by leaving the UK, following a rumoured 10-month jail term in that country.

However true those rumours are, his role in the kidnap and assault of fellow Port Harcourt artiste, 2kay served a reminder of who he could be.

After a year of dominating social conversations with the keyword “underrated”, amidst claims that he was in the studio with everyone from Madonna to Drake, something had to give.

You could be mistaken for expecting that Burna would adopt a more friendly, easily digestible image.

Burna has always insisted there is no method to his madness.

So it was somewhat surprising that the same artiste who in a 2017 interview, likened describing the spirit that leads him to “explain(ing) what the air is like” decided instead to let us into his puzzling world, as best he could.

It would give him the best year of his career, and maybe his life, yet.

On the 26th of January, while the year slithered to a deceptively slow start, Burna Boy released his third studio album, “Outside”.

The album immediately stood out for its ambitious genre-bending.

It was described by Pitchfork’s Claire Lobenfeld as “a fine lesson in mixing genres without making mud”–high praise coming from an American pop/rock magazine.

From tracks like “Giddem” to “Devil in California”, Outside made a cohesive case for Burna’s palate and in doing so, gave us some of his best music yet.

But an often overlooked side of that album is that Burna, known for cryptic remarks that hardly seem to make any sense in the moment, left himself–bare and unbridled–on wax

Like one of those hardbacks with one-word titles that Mother warned you against reading in your teens.

One of the album openers, PH City Vibration is an autobiographical ride through the city of his birth, Port Harcourt.

“And I was born inna the teaching hospital/The 2nd of July of 1991/I no dey stay too far from Liberation stadium”, he sings, before dropping a nod to “Rumuigbo where the high grade burn”, the busy neighbourhood with its night market where he is believed to have grown up.

Pop stars are often seen as products first, then multifaceted individuals second.

It is an approach that does Burna no justice. On the surface, he seems like a mindless brat.

Yet on “Outside”, he sings “Before me mama cry and her eyes start swell, cause her son end up like Vybz Kartel”, a reference to the Jamaican superstar whose ties to the street life nabbed him a life sentence in 2014.

It’s somewhat poignant that Burna chose the title “Outside” for his album and the tag “Outsiders” for his fans because, in a sense, he has always been one.

He may believe himself to be the chosen one, but his biggest contemporaries–Wizkid and Davido–have been blessed with fans who identify with them.

Wizkid is the underdog who climbed to the stars – an ultimate point of reference for the Nigerian dream.

Davido has been the direct opposite–born into wealth, yet determined to earn his name.

Burna sits in the middle. He is not poor by Nigerian standards–one doesn’t move to the UK and live there for years on sheer goodwill.

Neither is he an aspirational figure.

When we think about Burna, we don’t think about status and that has been, in some ways, a problem.

We often deny how invested we are in our favourite artists–from the forlorn writer to the sultry singer.

We project our ambitions unto those we can most relate to in the hopes that they can make their dreams, and ours, come true.

Up until now, Burna never left any room for that.

What he has always offered is a complex, brazen personality.

His attempts to let us in this year changed everything.

From leaving more crumbs of his gang affiliation scattered on loosies like “Agbada”. to making more mentions of his late friend, Gambo.

From explaining how he was shaped by a city ‘where nobody believes in us so we believe in ourselves’ to admitting, finally, his fear of not realising his own potential.

All these, one at a time, allowed us to make that emotional leap of faith nf give the man his due.

Away from the distractions of tabloid headlines and more markedly, his own tendencies, Burna gave us a run for the ages and his first controversy-free year.

International collaborations lined up in the right places.

The hits were never in short supply–he sat in the top 5% of Apple Music’s Top 100 tracks from its launch until the last day of the year.

More singles also came as the year wound down – “All My Life”, “Gbona” and “On The Low”.

Sold-out shows peaked with his ascension at the O2 Brixton and culminated with his first solo show since 2013, “Burna Live”.

On his most anticipated public appearance this year, Burna showed up over four hours late to his stage.

There is a graveyard of tweets in protest at his lateness, but when the man climbed on stage, his people claimed him, in loud screams, in shouts of “Burna”, “Rankin” and all the other nicknames he has come to be known by.

His time had come. The enfant terrible had become the golden child.

How else does one say this?–Burna won everything this year.

@zikokomag) + Follow

Detty Disembaa showed that no song from 2018 is nearly as anthemic as “Ye”.

There’s more. The relevance of collaborations like “African Star” with Sauti Sol, “Sunshine Riptide” with Fall Out Boy and “All My Life” with Major Lazer should not be understated.

His ascension to cultural icon status on two different continents, in the same year, is unmatched by his contemporaries in 2018.

There is no way to know if this time in the sun can be sustained.

There may be no method to Burna’s madness.

The man himself has said he doesn’t plan anything because plans end up never coming true. I’m inclined to agree.

But if he is the pre-ordained one, if he was truly Burna before he was born, then 2018 may end up being a mere footnote in his rise.

One thing is clear.

In a space saturated by many versions of the same skinny-jeans-clad, hit-seeking singers, with the same dreadlocks, as if to suggest they came off a production line, there is only one Burna.

Today is the 31st of December. At this time every year, people across the world start to chant the same old thing ‘New year new me’, as they prepare a list of new year’s resolutions they only intend to keep till February. Whether or not you’ve made your list here are some key things you shouldn’t leave out as a Nigerian.

Make sure you stay on your lane in traffic.

You think Buhari is the cause of your traffic problems, it’s you, you are the problem.

Not to be that person that shouts loudly in cinemas.

Or claps, please let people enjoy things.

If you are a Twiter or Instagram vendor for the love of God please put prices on your page in 2019.

Don’t let someone do job interview just to find out how much shoe will cost.

If you are one of those people who carry these kind of bags as hand luggage when you are travelling, change your ways in 2019.

Hand luggage that human being can enter, don’t you fear God?

If you are the kind of houseguest that shows up without notice and stays for 2 months when you said you’ll stay for two weeks. As you are entering 2019 leave that nonsense in 2018.

Let’s all behave ourselves.

If you used to tweet or post spoilers of movies and shows most people haven’t seen yet, 2019 is the time for you to turn a new leaf.

We’ll soon come together as a people and start blocking your kind.

If you are one of those people who sends fake news BC on whatsapp you better start behaving yourself this new year.

In fact, if you send any BCs at all, stop it.

Asking questions on social media like ‘if your mother slaps your girlfriend who will cook egusi’ please stop it.

Stop wasting our time and data.

Please don’t let anyone remind you to treat people around you like humans beings in 2019. From your security man to your cleaner.

No be only you Buhari dey frustrate, carry your voter’s card and go and vote in February.

If you’ve been collecting money to help politicians spread their lies on social media, it’s not too late to give your life to Christ.

You’ll be tweeting that the governor of your state has built 20 schools when you know that one road he hasn’t even fixed.

Asking people questions like ‘when will you marry’, ‘why are you adding weight’, that’s bad behaviour leave it in 2018.

Keep your questions to yourself.

You might think we are just joking but please let’s all endeavour to add these to our new year’s resolution lists.

Meanwhile, what are you guys new year’s resolutions?

How to remove a hot pot from the top of the cooker with your bare hands and not get burned.

How to use your eye to gauge that you’ve put enough salt in the soup before you even taste it.

How to make use of every drop of groundnut oil no matter what it was used to fry.

How to use your sixth sense to know that the food you are cooking is done.

Not to ever in your life throw stock water away.

How to put just the right amount of water in beans or rice when you are boiling it.

How to fry chicken, turkey or fish and dodge the oil splashes like a pro.

How to tell which pineapple will be sweet and which one won’t just by looking at it.

How to tell if food is about to go bad before mere humans can tell.

What other cooking hacks did your Nigerian mum teach you?

I’m not sure where I learned it. I suspect, romcoms released in the early 2000s. But whenever my crush aired my texts or I had just received a talk down for not washing plates I was supposed to indulge in a huge tub of ice-cream, that I’d finish alone.

But being a Nigerian living in Nigeria I always hit a couple of roadblocks with that plan. The first was what I’d think is a bowl of Fanice in the freezer would turn out to be egusi. The second was that even if there was ice cream it was reserved for special occasions. Which meant that on the rare occasion that there was ice cream in the fridge and I indulged my mum would give me ten more reasons to need ice cream by the time she found out.

So what did I do when I found out my crush actually liked another girl, or that I wasn’t going to be going on a field trip which all my friends would be going on? I indulged in a huge plate of Starch and Owo with a dash of Okporoko on the side. Two swallows in and no matter what was wrong in the world my body will start to feel alright.

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I’m Urhobo so my love for Owo and Starch comes as no surprise to most people. But I never had it until I turned 13.

On a two week holiday in Ughelli with an over-indulgent aunt, I discovered Starch and Owo.

For many people, Starch is an acquired taste. For me it was love at first swallow. Maybe it was in my genes and I was bound to love it. Or that I spent the two weeks sharing huge bowls of Starch and Owo with family I had never known. And immersing in culture I had never felt a connection with.

But I think what sealed it for me was the fact that the first swallow ignited taste buds I didn’t know existed. At 13 even though I wasn’t sexually active, I was pretty sure it was what sex felt like. At 23 with a couple of lovers notched on my belt I can tell you for certain that it comes pretty damn close.

Ice-cream bowls full of stew isn’t my reality alone. So I talked to a couple of friends and tried to find out what comfort food meant to them. Some of the butty ones actually got to indulge in ice cream #cantrelate. Others talked about their grandmother’s okra soup or jollof rice from an Iya Bas they’ve been going to for several years.

For my friend Boyin, plantain is all she needs for everything to be right in her world. Not just any plantain, the kind that is fried several days after it has become overripe. After her first breakup instead of a tub of ice-cream, I showed up at her house with hugs and a bowl full of plantain.

As time passed comfort food for me evolved. In my later years in boarding school, it was a meat and vegetable based snack the sellers liked to call samosa (but was most definitely not) from Queen’s College’s tuck shop (QCOGs if you know, you know). Getting samosa meant cutting out of class early and battling hundreds of hungry girls to get mine before they ran out. And it was worth every elbow jab to the face, and getting punished by a senior I cut in front of. But only after I had eaten my samosa.

In University it was jollof rice from Shop 10 in UNILAG which I ate almost every single day for 5 years straight. It came in especially handy when I got my first E in Criminal Law. That day I must have eaten a thousand naira worth of Shop 10’s Jollof.

You might never have given it a lot of thought, but we all have our comfort food, and it usually looks nothing like what the movies sold us. You’ve probably never thought of it as comfort food. Just that meal that made you stop crying when you are just gotten the shit beaten out of you. Or the first thing you eat when you get news that you just lost a job you loved.

So what’s your comfort food?

At the end of last year, you were most likely paid your December salary really early in the month. You were super stoked because that meant you could flex as hard as you wanted during the festive period.

And flex you did.

Forgetting that that salary was also supposed to last you throughout the next month.

Now you’re broke, even though it’s the only the second week of January. You’re losing weight because you’ve been forced to go on a diet by your near-empty bank account. If this describes your current situation, I’m here to help.

Here is a a list of 10 cheap meals that’ll keep you satisfied until January salary enters.

1. Bread and butter

Throw in a 50cl bottle of Pepsi and you get the bricklayer special!

2. Cabin biscuits and Milk

Pour the milk in the biscuits (like a human) or crush the biscuits and throw them in the milk (like a f***ing psychopath) to get a delicious bowl of what hungry boarding school students decades ago affectionately called biscuit flakes (even though the end result couldn’t be further from being flaky).

3. Cabin biscuits and sardines

Squeeze your face all you want, but I can personally vouch for this outrageous but totally delicious combo.

4. Raw instant noodles soaked in cold water for like 40 minutes.

Is it kinda disgusting? Yes. Will you gag the first few times you try it? Also yes. But it does get better after a while, and you really don’t have a choice because you’re broke. So shut up and learn to love the taste of vomit.

5. Eba mixed with palm oil and pepper

Pouring the oil and pepper in during the eba-making process. I’ve never tried it myself but I imagine it’ll taste a lot like stale palm oil flavoured cotton candy.

6. Raw instant noodles.

Because who has all that time (and technical know-how) to actually cook it, right? Just take it out of the pack and eat it like a snack. No one will judge you (too much).

7. Mayonnaise

Just Mayonnaise. Eat it straight out of the jar or put it in a bowl so you can lie that it’s ice cream if you get caught. And even if you do get caught, you’re a (broke) grown-ass adult and you can do whatever you want.

8. Butter

Just butter. If you like some crunch in your munch (and don’t mind a little diabetes when you hit 50), throw some ground sugar in the mix. Eat it straight out of the container or put it in a bowl so you can lie that it’s custard if you get caught. And even if you do get caught, you’re a (broke) grown-ass adult…

9. Bread and Gala

Works with any sausage roll, really. For when the bread and butter/mayo combo becomes too mainstream.

10. Salad

Did you really think I was going to end this without including some healthy greens? The best thing about salads (apart from their high nutritional value) is that you don’t have to cook them. Just cut up and enjoy. Too lazy to cut? Eat the ingredients individually and wash it down with a cold bottle of salad cream.

No need to thank me, you guys. I’m just…

If you’re Nigerian and currently living in Nigeria (sorry), chances are, you probably rang the new year in church, mouth open, one hand in the air, with the other hopefully not snap chatting the countdown. You, together with a congregation of other faithfuls threw prayers up, hopeful that 2019 comes with better promises than 2018.

To reinforce this sentiment, your pastor probably prophesied prosperity into your lives, promising 2019 breakthroughs, just like they’ve been promised for the last seven years. You left church pumped and ready to take on 2019 with your chest. Yay for you!

Or perhaps you’re Muslim, prosperity and breakthrough are common themes for a New Year, you probably prayed these for yourself for 2019. Good stuff.

Well, I’m here to tell you one thing that may or may not have been missed. If you’re looking to do the prosperity thing, or have breakthrough this year — then please, for the love of yourself, do it out of the Nigerian land of Zanku.

See, almost anywhere will do, Canada oh, Ghana oh, even Benin Republic might not be bad. They have nice beaches, see. The important thing is now, or in the near future — your bags are packed, or ready to be packed to enable you miss Nigeria from the abroad. Because the way things are looking, Nigeria go hot this 2019.

Okay, maybe we’re being a tad dramatic. But we’re looking at predictions for Nigeria’s 2019 and they are not looking good. Here’s the very first problem:

These 2019 Elections They’ve Been Shouting About

There’s a reason Nigerian hearts do a collective gbim-gbim when we hear elections are coming up, and it’s not because we’re excited for the next round of looters to roll through. Nope, never that.

Ever since we’ve had the privilege of elections, some people (who were once president) have taken it to be a literal do or die affair. About 300 people lost their lives to election violence in the 2003 elections. More worryingly- 800 died in the wake of the 2011 elections. Even in 2015, about 58 people lost their lives to election violence, and this was even before the polls that brought Buhari in took place.

As it stands now, we don’t know how this 2019 elections might turn out. If you’re planning on finding out, do so from a safe distance — that visa agent is just a call away boo.

Dollar Price Is Going Waaay Up.

Remember the good times when $1 went for 140 naira and we were still complaining like the Lord wasn’t doing us a good thing? Well, cherish those memories, and even this 350 we’re currently ‘enjoying’, because 2019 is going to give the dollar more muscle against the naira.

See, it goes back to these politicians. To steal sway votes, they need a lot of money. So their increased demand for dollars to fund this, is reducing the dollars Nigeria should ordinarily have in her back pocket (reserves) and that translates to a weak naira against the dollar.

But that’s not all…

Oil Prices Are Not Smiling

This oil Nigeria always carries on her head, well, it might put us in a sticky dollar situation this 2019.

If you missed it, there is an oversupply of oil the world over, and it is causing a reduction in oil prices everywhere.

What that means for Nigeria is, our primary source of revenue is currently not bringing in money like it used to, with analysts predicting that these low prices might weaken the naira to exchange at ₦380 for $1.

On the plus side, if you remain, you’ll be encouraged to #buyNigeriantogrowthenaira. Ain’t nobody got time for ASOS exchange rates!

Nigeria May Not Have Heard The Last From The Herdsmen

These people scare me so much, I was actually a little scared to write their names out in full. For the better part of last year, the herdsmen or whatever group poses as herdsmen – terrorised farmlands and areas across Nigeria.

Lately, we haven’t heard too much from them, and that’s great. But before you think Nigeria is peaceful and get distracted from your plans to seek gay asylum in Greece or wherever, statements like these have started flying around.

Quadruple that visa hustle friends, don’t say we didn’t tell you.

No matter how much the highs of a good year take the most avid fan, January inevitably brings with it one question; What next?

2018 was, in ways, a watershed moment in Nigerian music. A new king took the throne, a new queen sent out her statement of intent, and on the international stage, we won big.

The question will now be asked of the people who dominated the conversation in 2018, like Burna, and those who, like Peruzzi, have everything to prove.

These artists may still be reeling from the hangover of a very detty December but it’s never too early for new music.

Some of my faves have already announced they’ll be dropping new music this year. Others are, well, toying with our emotions.

But that never stopped anyone from expecting what we deserve. Definitely not me.

Davido – TBA

It seems like a century ago that Davido dropped that debut album.

Ice Prince was the superstar. Reminisce was finally breaking out. And Davido’s music seemed, to most casual fans, like a labour of love.

Now, he’s the big dog–record label chairman, international hitmaker and father of two daughters. He’s entering this year at the peak of his powers, with two of the best songwriters on his team and an expectant audience.

David’s mentions of the project have hardly gone past references to “My album…” but it’s almost certain OBO’s sophomore drops this year. The timing couldn’t be better. God safe us when it happens.

Maleek Berry – TBD

I can imagine a future where a white-haired former journalist explains to a room full of kids how a record producer reinvented himself as a pop star over the course of two brief, delicious EPs.

After learning the ropes as part of Wizkid and Wande Coal’s teams, Maleek is now a verified heavyweight on his own.

Now established on two continents, and already shaking the right hands in the US, Mr Berry’s debut is due, and he knows it.

Melodies abound for this man, and Maleek on his day can take you from Ikoyi to Rio in the same song.

That and his Afropop leanings have reflected on two stellar EPs–now it’s time for the coup de grace and the final chapter of a transition made in Gbedu Zion.

Santi – TBA

“Santino has this city in a headlock”–a tweet read after Santi, the mysterious, dreadlocked rager who makes anthems for a generation rocked a crowd of his peers to a sweat-soaked frenzy at a concert last December.

Over several years, Santi has built the cosigns, the records, the loyal cult following for the moments that are bound to come.

He may be little more than the face of the alternative music scene in Lagos now but almost everyone who’s a fan of the kid swears he’s the one.

After ending the year on a high with “Rapid Fire”, it’s a good thing that Santi began the year by announcing an album for January. We’ve been waiting for a while.

Wizkid – Made In Lagos

If you listen to the people who treat music as a lifeforce, the face of Afropop’s tour of the UK and the US is on his way back home.

Few pop stars can spend a decade topping charts while carrying a genre’s finest elements to new ears around the world.

But it would be unwise to count Wizkid out.

His fourth studio album has been touted as a return to the source – to Lagos and the overcrowded studios where it all began.

It may be where Wizkid finds the sauce to blow our minds again.

Burna Boy – TBA

Burna Boy’s 2018 was written in the stars–a beautiful story of overcoming one’s predilections that you could adapt into 30 languages.

But it’s over now. And no-one will know more than Burna that you’re only as good as the people’s last memory of you.

There’s word that last year’s “Outside” is the prelude to something else; a mixtape that took on bigger importance with an international record deal and a few collaborations.

Now Burna’s settled into big boy mode. Let’s see him swing for the stars.

Falz – TBA

Steady, consistent, calculated. Falz is a marketing course waiting to be studied. First introduced to us as a quirky, funny gimmick, Falz now comes up in conversations about new Felas and the best Nigerian rappers.

All of this while taking statues at award shows and offering poignant commentary.

He is in the big league now, which is why he must punch at even higher weights. Can Falz take Nigerian hip-hop to a new place? Can he take a very vacant throne even? What happens when he stops trying to be funny?

This could be the album that answers all those questions.

Tiwa Savage – TBA

The only woman in the game who can touch Tiwa lives in France.

Mummy Jam-Jam is proof that angels never die or get old.

Just when we thought we’d seen the best, Tiwa underwent a reinvention in 2018 helped undoubtedly by rumours of a fling with a certain Starboy.

Never mind that while all that was festering, she dropped one of the biggest songs of the year in “Ma Lo” and took a ride on the Duncan Mighty train with one of the better collaborations, “Lova Lova”.

The Tiwa who made R.E.D seems so far away now. Which is why this one has to drop that album so we can get to know her better.

Reminisce – TBA

Reminisce’s nickname literally translates to Chairman. Chairman in the sense of a gang leader who tries to usurp a king of boys, or an indigenous rapper who will hold his own in Queen’s English with the finest of the bunch.

Staying in the conversation in 2018 would have been enough for Reminisce, but the man’s role in one of 2018’s best movies reminded us of all the things we love about Baba Hafusa – grit, ambition and versatility.

2019 is the year where Alaga reminds us what he can do behind the mic.

Lady Donli – TBA

To some, she’s the female face of the Alte community. To others, she’s the unknown young singer who made a criminally brief festival on the intro to Mr Eazi’s 2018 album, “London To Lagos”.

Either way, Lady Donli is coming for your necks in a flowing dress, with cowries in her locks and the sensation of an old soul.

After a year spent in bars and arenas in Europe and North America, she’s back at home.

Her tweets suggest she’s in the studio, and with the experiences she’s gathered on the road for inspiration, we won’t be against Lady Donli striking gold on her debut.

Runtown – TBA

Runtown is like the uncle from Texas who we hardly hear from, until he calls on a Friday afternoon and the entire family gathers around the phone like loyal fans. Label battles have played their part in keeping him away for stints at a time but the singer says the worst is in the past now. If songs like “Oh Oh Oh (Lucie)” and “No Permission” are anything to go by, Runtown has finally found his aesthetic.

It may seem obvious that we’ll get the laid-back, dreamy Afropop he silenced doubters with in 2016, but that’s fine because it’s just what we want.

Teni – TBA

Love abounds for Teni. Unknown to most at the start of the year, she ended 2018 as the year’s biggest revelation, a viral sensation that is fiercely loved by her fans. Teni ticks all the boxes that should matter–she has the range, she writes like a ghetto poet and her talent for making songs is freakish–as evidenced in those Instagram videos where she makes demos out of unsuspecting friends.

She’s begun the year with a headstart–the absolutely uplifting “Uyo Meyo” and if we can rely on her record, another single should be in the offing.

Few Nigerian prodigies have ignored such raw desire for their music over time.

In Teni’s case, it would be almost criminal, because we know Makanaki can pull off something beautiful.

Tekno – TBA

As with most nascent spaces, Nigerian music has regularly churned out a new successor (or pretender to the throne) each year–one artist who changes the texture of the popular sound, puts out the year’s biggest single or just shows an astounding level of promise.

In 2017, that person was Tekno. Yet, despite heavy demand for a full body of work, Tekno chose to ride out on the strength of singles.

There is little doubt that the man knows his stuff–melody and an innate sense of rhythm drive his music and has also provided hits for peers like Davido.

Sadly, illness ultimately slowed down his pace as 2018 wound down.

With all the big dogs dropping this year, it might be time for Tekno to put his hat in the race and finally claim his place.

I saw a tweet recently about a Nigerian woman who boldly declared that when she got married she’d not be taking her husband’s last name.

The backlash from Nigerians was swift and expected. – ‘You people just open your mouths and say nonsense’, ‘and you think you will find husband?’ ‘you went to do masters in America now you think you are oyibo’.

What I was curious about was just how many Nigerian women thought like her. So I asked forty-five women if they’d take their husband’s last names and forty-three said yes. Here’s what ten of them had to say.

Wait is this a thing now. There are women who don’t want to take their husbands’ last names? I mean I guess it’s done in some parts of the world, but not here so I’ll definitely be taking his name. – Fatima, 23

What reason would I have for not taking it? If we have different names what name will our children bear? Or will he take my name or what? I don’t understand it. – Sikemi, 26

It’s a little complicated in Nigeria, but I understand the logic behind women who refuse to take their husband’s last name. It does feel like you are losing your identity. But abeg I’m a Nigerian woman, I’ll most likely marry a Nigerian man and live in Nigeria. To avoid any wahala it makes sense to take his name. – Funke, 25

Who else’s name would I take? If I refuse to change my name, even the name I’d be clinging to is my father’s name. What of my mother’s name. I think it’s pretentious and people who do it are all these extreme feminists trying to prove some point. – Lola, 24

For me it’s simple. I’ve come a very long way in my life and my career and marriage isn’t even on the horizon yet. By the time it is, I’d have gone even further up the ladder in my career. A career which is tied to a name which I currently bare. Why then would I voluntarily change that? It’s my identity and I refuse to exchange that for a ring and a signature on a dotted line. – Omotoke, 24

People these days sha like to form different. Which one is not taking my husband’s name again. To what end? It will only confuse people. Especially my children. When you marry, you and your husband become one and bearing the same name reflects that. – Ayoola, 28

It’s not something that is a big deal to me. I had never given it much thought until recent times when it became a popular topic of conversation. I grew up expecting to change it now I’m a little on the fence. I get all the arguments for and against it but I’m not sure yet. – Susan, 25

Abeg abeg abeg, why is this even a topic of conversation? Someone just woke up one morning and decided to start wahala. We are Nigerian and even beyond being a cultural thing it just doesn’t make sense not to take your husband’s last name. – Cassandra, 23

People like to make mountains out of molehills. I’ve had this conversation with my friends who are self-declared progressive feminists. And it’s not as if I’m not a feminist too. I believe in equal rights, and taking your husbands name doesn’t undermine that. – Feyikemi, 25

Shey I won’t find the husband first. Lol. But yes I’ll take it, why won’t I? What’s the argument against it? Is there any disadvantage? In fact, if you even wanted to compare there are many advantages. I can’t think of any now but there are plenty sha. – Titi, 23

What do you guys think? After saying I do, would you take your husband’s last name or not?

It’s a few days to the end of my internship, and I’ve been thinking about the coming weeks.  My editor asked me a bunch of questions about my birthday, I found it weird and suspicious.

A bunch of conversations later, I ended up here.

1999

The 6 billionth human was born in 1999, and while I was also born that year, that human wasn’t me.

You know what else makes 1999 an important year? The first ASUU strike and the switch to the democratic government we’re ‘enjoying’ now.

Out with the military and in with the thunder. I wonder what those 5 months were like for students.

2001

I was a chubby baby, walking around the house causing mischief.  I don’t know if my mum was tired of me draining milk from her body 49 times a day, but I ended up in Kindergarten. 

While I was just starting school, University students were about to take another L for 3 months.

49 lecturers were sacked from the University of Ilorin and ASUU wasn’t having it. OBJ wasn’t ready to deal with their feelings, so he called them lazy Nigerian youth ‘lazy and ungrateful’. 

2002

The baby boy was getting bigger and moving up the ladder. I like to imagine KG 2 was my boss year in Kindergarten.
I probably sat in the middle of the class, beside a pretty girl.

While I was enjoying my 3rd Christmas, ASUU was serving thunder again but not for very long.

The previous agreement had not been implemented and ASUU went on a 2-week long strike.

2003

Did anyone else have a long WWE wrestling phase? I know I did and it started when I was 4.

I’d come back home, speedily lose my uniform and beg my brother to play wrestling with me.

I always tried to do Kurt Angles ankle lock. Keyword being “tried”. ASUU too was experiencing trial and failure, the agreements still weren’t implemented.

While I was falling in love, ASUU embarked on the longest strike till date, a full 6 months.

2005

Four words – Lord of The Rings. The best movie of this century, argue with your pastor or priest. 6 years old and going outside every day.

After watching “Fellowship of The Ring”, I became Legolas with the bow.

The downside is that I may have fired it at my sister and got a major ass whooping that evening. University students were about to feel some heat too, as ASUU was getting ready to interrupt academic once again. 2 weeks later things were back to normal and I was scheming how to make another bow.

2006

The first time I ever heard the word ASUU was in 2006. My big brother was in his first year and I had outgrown wrestling.

To be honest I didn’t have a partner anymore so I lost interest. He came home one day, ASUU had issued a warning strike and it was safer being at home.

He was back to school a week later though.

2007

Being the only child at home when I was 8 was beyond boring. My sister was in year 1 now, she had left me too.

I had my mom and dad every day, but making the lives of your elder siblings a bit more stressful has a unique taste.

I was busy playing outside, as usual, some parts of me missing them, some parts wondering if I should make a new bow and risk my mom knocking my teeth out, and they strolled into the compound.

Surprise surprise, Asuu had done it again. But I didn’t care really, it was the best 3 months of 2007.

2008

Junior secondary was when the real survival course took place. Avoiding seniors, trying to get food during break time and having my first real encounter with the sorcery called Math.

Normally I’d cry to my brother or sister and get them to show me a few tricks, but they weren’t around.

The one time I needed Asuu and they betrayed me.

You can imagine my delight when I overheard a conversation between my mom and my brother, mentions of a strike and ASUU. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the chance to come home.

I failed Math that term. ASUU went on strike for a week over demands for an improved payment scheme and the 49 “lazy” lecturers from the University of Ilorin.

2009

I hit 10 in 2009. I was still a short yellow chubby-faced boy, taking more note of the world but still having adventures outside.

The term had ended earlier than usual and the fun was about to begin. I was getting ready to “shoot” some arrows when 2 familiar figures strolled through the gate.

It had happened again, but this time it wasn’t going to be as much fun. My siblings wanted to graduate, not stay at home and count trees.

Those were 4 long months but in October, my siblings were back to chasing the GPA.

2010

It was bye-bye and see you later a few days to my siblings a few days after my 11th birthday. Once again I was Lord of the house and I would run around naked, stamping my authority with my royal buttcheeks. It was way more fun than it sounds.

I was done with another term and happy the holidays were here but I didn’t expect to see my brother and sister for another few weeks. I stepped into the house and there they were. I knew the routine by now. On the bright side, my Math scores went higher in the following term.

It’s safe to say I stunted on everyone in my class but it didn’t matter much, an extra year had been added to my sibling’s graduation date as the strike lasted for over 5 months.

2011

Moving to a new state is a life-changing experience. I didn’t know what to expect. But 5 months in Lagos gave me a growth spurt and puberty. It wasn’t bad so far.

My siblings were schooling in another state so it was weird to see them come home early December. No one needed to tell me ASUU was pon the strike again.

It didn’t last very long and some days after my 13th birthday, they were off to school again. It was the year my brother graduated.

2013

When you’re in SS2/SS3 your biggest concerns are WAEC and end of term parties. Thanks to having siblings I was also thinking about ASUU and the coming battles. Luckily my brother had already graduated and my sister was months away from leaving school too.

She dodged the bullet by a few weeks and finished her exams just as ASUU went on strike for 5 months.

On the flip side, it made her NYSC service a full calendar year, with all the many public holidays for the good of her sanity.

2017

At 18 both my siblings were long done with school, it was just me now. After the riot that happened in my school during my first year, I was praying nothing would try to mess with my graduation date. 

I should have used that time and energy to grow my Instagram honestly.

A few weeks into the second semester of year 2- like a thief in the night – ASUU came and did their magic. I started calculating how these people were about to mess with my graduation date but my God is bigger.

They called off the strike in September and it was back to hustling for the GPA.

2019

Now I’m in my final year, months away from escaping this psychological torture for a certificate I’m not sure will mean much and they have come again. When we’re talking about village people being online, it’s ASUU.

At this point, I don’t know how to feel about the strike anymore, but I’d still like to graduate this 2019. On one hand, I almost enjoy not being in school, being able to write, have a job and focus on my side hustle.

On the other hand, the sooner I leave this nightmare, the better. It looks like the strike will be called off soon, or it could last another 5 months as it did in January 1999.

Things are never as they seem in Nigeria.

One thing’s for sure now, I just want to be happier with a healthy bank account.

No one likes to think about sex injuries but the truth is they happen a lot. And I’m not even talking about the injuries that can arise from handcuffing your partner to the bed, clamping their nipples, and flogging them with a koboko as you both roleplay as village headmistress and barely literate adult school student. I’m talking about the ones that happen during simple vanilla sex.

Here are 5 of the most common ones.

1) Fractured Penis

The name for this one is just super dramatic, seeing as a penis can’t be fractured because it contains no bones. However, it can be bent real bad until the two tubes of blood that fill it during an erection rupture, causing swelling, bruising, and severe pain. If you’re a penis-haver, then you already know how this can happen and how much it’ll hurt. So please, aim carefully.

2) Vaginal Tears

This mostly happens as a consequence of engaging in coitus when the vagina is dry. So please dears, avoid this crazy painful situation by engaging in foreplay first. Or at least, have a bottle of lube (i.e. groundnut oil) on standby.

3) Back Pain

This goes out to all those people that love having sex like they’re Mr Fantastic playing a particularly violent game of Twister but have forgotten they don’t possess the flexibility required. Luckily, most back injuries gotten during sex can be treated with ice packs, constant massaging, or painkillers. But keep writhing during sex like an earthworm doused with salt and watch yourself snap something serious.

4) Head Trauma

This can happen anywhere. Hitting one’s head on the tiles after slipping in the shower, hitting one’s head on the headboard of the bed, accidentally shoving someone’s head through the windshield during car sex etc.

Kinda takes the term “mind-blowing sex” to a whole new level.

5) Rug Burns

For when y’all roll off the bed in the heat of the moment and end up on the rug but keep going at it without noticing that you’re both starting small fires with your knees. As with any burn, wash the affected area with cool water and antibacterial soap.

Also, refrain from wearing shorts or skirts that stop above the knee to avoid the embarrassment that’ll come with having to explain yourself.

Everyone in Northern Nigeria is not Hausa.

The whole of Northern Nigeria isn’t being ravaged by Boko Haram or herdsmen, so don’t listen to your friends that keep shouting it isn’t safe.

Try to respect yourself.

You know how you call all Northern looking men Aboki in your city? Keep that nonsense there.

Learn how to keep your ignorance to yourself.

Not everyone is Muslim, a very large percent of Northerners are actually Christians.

So except you are sure someone is Muslim, keep your Assalamualaikum to yourself.

Google maps works great in cities like Abuja, Lagos and Port Harcourt but will betray you when you find yourself in a village in Jos.

So let the locals show you around, and if you have money MONEY just get a guide.

The popular places like Yankari and Kajuru Castle are great but there’s so much more to see.

It’s ridiculously beautiful and you are going to ask yourself several times why it took you so long to come see it.

If you want evidence that northern Nigeria is not just brown grass and cows before you go, then you need to see Up North. Watch the trailer below.