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Here Are The Women Running In The 2019 Presidential Election

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Today, the 24th of January Aunty Oby who had been the most vocal female candidate for the 2019 presidential elections declared that she was dropping out of the race. Her reason? To help form an ‘effective’ coalition to defeat APC and PDP. Regardless of the fact that the election is less than a month away.

But we’ve all been so focused on Aunty Oby that we forgot that there are other superwomen running for the presidency who are worth looking into.

In a country where it’s only ‘asewo women’ who leave their fathers’ houses to live alone instead of entering husband’s house, these 6 women went  ‘fuck it’ and decided to run for the presidency.

Although we  acknowledge the odds of any of them winning as so slim it might as well be non-existent, we’ll forever stan


Angela Johnson

Running under the ‘Alliance for a United Nigeria’ party, Angela Johnson is ready to ‘Build a resilient Nigeria’. She describes her ambition as a divine inspiration from God and believes she stands a chance to be the first female president of Nigeria.

One of her slogans is ‘Emancipation 2019’. And if you check the current dollar to naira exchange rate you’d agree with her.


Adesanya-Davies Mercy Olufunmilayo

Remember how excited we were when Prof got into Aso Rock? Only for him to come and be sharing ten ten thousand to traders. Well, Adesanya-Davies Olufunmilayo who is a Professor of linguistics wants the opportunity to restore our faith in Acadas again.

Her slogan is choice. To remind you that there are 74 presidential candidates and lazily going for one of the most prominent without doing your googles is not good enough


Rabia Cengiz

Rabia Cengiz is vying for presidency under the National Action Council (NAC) party. Confusingly there is next to no information about her or her campaign anywhere. Almost as if she’s only box-checking on behalf of her party. At least she’ll go down in history as one of the five women who ran for presidency in Nigeria in 2019.


Atuejide Eunice

Running under the National Interest Party (NIP), which she founded, Eunice Atuejide is not only the youngest woman on this list at 40 but one of the youngest people to run for presidency in history.

Although her campaign has been rife with controversy, you have to admire her tenacity.


Maina Maimuna Kyari

With as little information as can be found on Rania Cengiz, even less can be found on Maina Maimuna Kyari. What we do know is that she’s running for president under the Nigeria Peoples Congress Party (NPC), with Oluwole Yetunde Folake as her Vice. Which makes them the only all-female ticket amongst the 2019 candidates and in Nigeria’s history.

Anyone with any more information on Aunty Maimuna should please share.

The post Here Are The Women Running In The 2019 Presidential Election appeared first on Zikoko!.


15 Things You Can Say During Sex Instead Of Screaming God’s Name And Possibly Incurring His Wrath

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Imagine for a second that you’re a god

 

I get that this may be a difficult exercise but just try.

 

Imagine that you’re a god who presides over a universe you created. You’re up in your version of heaven chilling, being all powerful and stuff. You can telepathically hear the prayers of all your creations at the same time. All of a sudden, you hear two voices screaming your name at increasing volumes. You zoom in (?) on them with your super vision (?), thinking they must be in terrible danger.

 

But it turns out they’re just furiously bumping genitals.

 

So you ready a lightning bolt, aim, and…

Because it’s bad enough that they’re disobeying your no fornication rule, now they’re calling your attention to it?

 

This is a scenario I think about a lot whenever I accidentally click on one of those colourful buttons on illegal music websites, get magically transported to a porn site,  and end up watching a few videos…for the culture. With this in mind, I came up with a list of 15 other things you could scream mid-coitus instead of alerting the Lord to your fornication session.

 

 


1. “Ah!”

Think of it like this: each thrust sends a bolt of electricity through your body so you’re like “Ah!”


2. “Ye!”

Like the Burna Boy song. Nothing wrong with singing what has become our national anthem while getting your back blown out/blowing out back.


3. “Yep!”

Think of it like you’re expressing approval by telling your partner that they’re doing a good job, but with sounds.

 

“Yep! Yep!! Yep!!!…”


4. “Kai!”

As soon as you make it clear to your partner that this is you thoroughly enjoying the penising/being penised and not you signalling that you’re in pain, all will be well.


5. “Buhari died back in 2018 and is currently being played by a lookalike actor named Jubril!”

Don’t think too much about it.


6. “Oh Zeus!”

Given his history, he seems like the type of god that’ll be all about that voyeuristic life.


7. Wookie Sounds

Where my Star Wars fans at?!


8. “Hian!”

As soon as you make it clear to your partner that this is you thoroughly enjoying the penising/being penised and not you showing shock at the disappointing turn of events during sex, all will be fine.


9. “The wig budget for the Wedding Party movies must’ve been like 3k!”

Beverly Naya’s wig in the first movie is all the proof you need.


10. “Greaaaaaat!”

You get extra points if you say it exactly like the Frosties mascot, Tony the Tiger.


11. “Lagbaja isn’t a real person but a character that has been played by multiple people over the years!”

Convince me otherwise.


12. “P-Square has been recycling the same 4 songs for almost 20 years!”

Don’t @ me.


13. “Chai!”

When you Igbo side rears its head.


14. “Choi!”

When your Igbo side completely takes over.


15. “Diamond Ring needs to be remade with Liz Benson still playing the ghost because she’s a goddess!”

I have a crush on Liz Benson.

The post 15 Things You Can Say During Sex Instead Of Screaming God’s Name And Possibly Incurring His Wrath appeared first on Zikoko!.

Voting In Nigeria: The Struggle Games.

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The 2019 general elections are a little over a week away. On the 16th of February, some 84 million registered voters, will defy the pull of Saturday morning television, to make their way to polling units scattered country-wide. They will make a choice as to who gets to most likely, but hopefully not — screw us over for the next 4 years.

As with everything in Nigeria, the electoral process for the 2019 elections, has been nothing, if not a struggle. And sure Nigerians have dissociated struggle with being well… struggle, slapping words like sacrifice on it, and extolling it as some kind of test in virtue.
But there’s only so much lipstick you can put on a pig, struggle is struggle, is struggle.

Take the PVCs for instance. These bad boys are so important, they have their own catch phrase- ‘no PVC, no vote’.
So riddle me this, for something that important, why does it appear as though INEC officials, in their little Whatsapp group, had a running bet as to who could make life the hardest for intending voters?

Despite having 4 years to plan for the elections, the majority of INEC officials were grossly under-resourced for the PVC registration process. There were centers with single (malfunctioning) laptops to cater to teeming crowds. These, among other things, produced queues long enough to test even the most ardent voting-activists. Are current fuel prices being double the cost they were in 2015, really worth attaining middle age, on a never-ending queue? Arguable, but I’m leaning towards a no.

Nigerians far and wide felt the stress of this process. Registering was hard, collecting- equally as bad.

And yet, while registering and collecting PVCs are crown struggles in their own right — no struggle is more apparent than the fact that despite shining our eyes, like all the music videos tell us to, Nigerians have been backed into 2 opposing walls emblazoned with an umbrella and broom respectively.

As it stands, Nigerians do not have the option of choosing between the devil we know and that which we don’t. We know them, their avoidance is the real issue.

This is because despite having 74 parties in the running for the presidency — when it boils down to it — the elections are really a struggle between 2 parties alone – The APC and The PDP.

These parties, with no real ideologies to begin with, are the outcome of so much in-breeding and cross-carpeting, it’s hard to tell where one ends, and the other begins.

Their front-runners are Nigeria’s current president and a former vice-president; 2 persons whose abilities in democratic governance, Nigerians are very well aware of.

While Buhari’s track record has seen him do everything from running the country perched in a sick-bay of sorts, to throwing hands and a tantrum with the laid down law. Atiku’s has seen him embroiled in corruption sagas so twisted, a US lawmaker lost his job on one occasion, and the United States had him banned from visiting their country in another.

And while yes, there is the option of voting with your heart and choosing a third force candidate to represent the country, the sad reality is, these parties just do not possess the range to compete against these super-powers.

Worse still, if PVC struggles and mirror-image candidates aren’t enough to contend with, voting day brings with it, the opportunity to play the most involuntary game of Russian Roulette yet.

Will your unit be the one to get attacked? Is someone going to run away with the ballot boxes? Perhaps your center will get shot up.
Trust the Nigerian voting process to always keep things spicy.

Like clockwork- every election suffers though some violence or other. In 2011 alone, about 800 Nigerians lost their lives to election violence that followed the victory of Goodluck Jonathan as Nigeria’s president.

And with news of arms being impounded every other day on Nigerian roads and borders, it’s hard to not view the upcoming elections with more than a little trepidation.

But that’s the repeated story of Nigeria. Why afford the people real choices and ease of life, when life can be made as difficult and unpleasurable as is possible?

Will the 2019 elections break the chain? Clearly not, but being the eternal optimists that religion and delusion have afforded us, we’ll continue to hope for better in coming years.

The post Voting In Nigeria: The Struggle Games. appeared first on Zikoko!.

#WomenExplain: How Sanitary Products Work

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For as long as time itself, women have used different forms of sanitary products. But disposable sanitary pads as we know them today surfaced sometime around 1888. Which means that for the last 131 years sanitary products as we know it today have been in existence.
So the fact that some men still ask questions like ‘Why can’t they use strips of cloth like their grandmothers’ or make statements like ‘Sanitary pads are not a necessity’ is mindblowing. In this 20th century, the age of smartphones and 4g internet.
Because women stay doing the Lord’s work, #WomenExplain is our new web series. Here women deconstruct in the simplest of terms everything and anything that has to do with the female struggle. Starting with how sanitary products work.

What are even sanitary products?

These include everything from tampons to sanitary pads used to absorb blood when women are on their periods.

What’s all the fuss about them these days?

Women have been talking about sanitary products and all of its shortcomings for years and years. And one of our biggest challenges has and is still its cost. Especially for women who live in a third world country. Organizations like Sanitary Aid For Nigerian Girls are doing the Lord’s work by providing women with free sanitary products and raising awareness about the need for them.

Shey there are reusable pads and cups, why can’t women just use that if it’s so expensive?

Sanitary products like these need constant access to bathroom facilities and constantly running water. It’s very unlikely that women who already can’t afford the disposable sanitary products will have this kind of access.

Ehn but it’s because they are buying the expensive ones, some are as cheap as 50 naira.

Cheap almost never equates to quality. If you had to use a particular product in the most sensitive area of your body 5 to 7 days every single month, I’m pretty sure you’d want only the best.

But our grandmothers used strips of cloth and nothing happened to them.

They only used it because there were either no other options or they just couldn’t afford sanitary products. Using strips of cloth is unsanitary and can lead to health complications for women.

What about tissue paper

Again. Unsanitary. Unhygienic. Can lead to health complications.

But what’s the difference between tissues and sanitary pads?

First of all, they are not as absorbent as sanitary pads which means you could soak through them in minutes. More importantly, tissues, unlike sanitary pads, have a ton lint which could travel up the vagina and cause a nasty infection.

But some of the women saying these things are expensive have money to be buying MAC makeup

How does that take away from the fact that they are expensive?

Don’t you just need like one or two packs every month? Can’t be that bad.

Menstrual flows vary from women to women. While some women might need only one or two packs every month, some might need up to 7 or eight. Over 120 million Nigerian live on less than 720 naira a day. The average cost of a pack of sanitary pads is 400 naira. Do the math.

The same Always you women are throwing away after every use, some women wash and use again.

The only reason these women feel the need to do so is because they can’t afford to buy sanitary products every months. It’s not a ‘savings hack’ and should not be encouraged. It’s beyond unsanitary and can lead to pretty severe health complications.

I heard women who use tampons are not virgins.

That is absolute nonsense and you really shouldn’t repeat this outside.

What other questions and misconceptions do you guys have about sanitary products. Feel free to ask, as always this a safe space.

The post #WomenExplain: How Sanitary Products Work appeared first on Zikoko!.

What If We Remade These Classics From Your Childhood?

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I can’t say if it was stumbling on Regina Askia’s Instagram or just plain nostalgia.

Nollywood Classics

But for whatever reason, I’ve found myself thinking about the classics from my childhood; the movies that raised me.

It would take a time machine to bring back the feeling of watching those movies for the first time so I got thinking; what if someone remade these movies for the present era.

Below is a list of my ideas for remakes of the movies I grew up on. If this seems too specific, it’s because I spent too much time thinking about it.

Also, if you read this in the future and someone has made one of this into a real movie, send me their address.


Just A Little Sin (Mike Bamiloye (2000)

This movie is the reason I spent my teens mortally afraid of sex.

You probably know the story – young lady has pre-marital sex, gets pregnant and dies for her sin.

Who needs such negativity though? Not me. Not my kids.

That’s why we need to remake a version that’s appropriate for the times.

In my version, a student has sex for the first time, but instead of all that fear-mongering, she goes on a tour of discovery where she learns about her body and having sex the safe way.

We can call it “Just a little knacks” for the culture and show it for free at universities. Sex education never sounded so good.


Most Wanted (Dozie Eriobu (1996)

I remember sticking the video cassette tape in the player in the middle of a school night as I and my mum consumed this movie in its entirety.

It was the first time I saw a gang of women challenge traditional gender roles and choose to be armed robbers.

That’s why Most Wanted couldn’t be anything but a feminist manifesto.

In today’s world, they would totally become the poster girls for sticking it to patriarchy and getting the bag in the same breath (operation).

And whatever happens, Toni Tones must be a part of the cast… just because, you know, those armed robber vibes from “King Of Boys” must not go to waste.


Issakaba (Chukwuemeka Emelionwu (2000)

Issakaba was our four-part answer to all the gang thrillers that came out of the black side of Hollywood in the late 1990s.

The only difference is the gang in focus was a vigilante group that fought audacious armed robbers in their city. But that’s all in the past.

I’m interested in seeing the story of Issakaba, 19 years later.

It will be a typical Nigerian story – the vigilante group has disbanded.

Half of them have formed an armed robbery gang, two members are in prison and their former leader is now the governor’s CSO.

We’ll call it “Issakaba: This Life Sha” because, what else?


Ale Ariwo (Wemimo Olu Paul (2004)

As far as Yoruba movies go, ‘Ale Ariwo’ is a complex maze of betrayal, infidelity and unfulfilled expectations that will have you wondering if your bae is actually your bae.

But nothing about the movie even comes close to its soundtrack – a piercing number by the inimitable Tope Alabi that is the only thing I remember from the movie.

In honour of one of our country’s best musical talents, I propose Ale Ariwo: The Musical.

Featuring 2baba as the long-suffering husband, Niniola as the adventurous wife and Teni as a random person who ‘freestyles’ her sister’s trade secrets in public and sets a family on fire.


Osoufia in London (Kingsley Okoro (2003)

I firmly believe, as seen as in his recent performances in movies like “Lionheart”, Nkem Owoh showed up a decade too early.

And while I enjoyed the original, I’m inclined to say even ‘Osoufia in London’ would have banged even more in today’s world.

My 2019 remake of “Osoufia in London” would retain its slapstick humour, except instead of navigating life in Europe as a Nigerian, we’d explore something more timely – Race Relations.

Imagine Osoufia getting arrested on his first night in the country for ‘looking suspicious’, or his reaction when a pudgy-faced 10-year-old flashes him the bird and calls him ‘nigger’.

Comedy. Gold. With a tinge of identity politics that would make Daddy Hov proud.

Odds are, among the remakes, this one would most likely strike a nerve and catch a buzz.

Imagine us bowing to a standing ovation at our grand premiere at Sundance.

The joy of re-posting reviews on Twitter and acting fake-humble when it wins its first award.

Maybe I and Nkem Owoh have some money to make together.

Osoufia, call me!

The post What If We Remade These Classics From Your Childhood? appeared first on Zikoko!.

7 Classic Cartoons That Taught Us Valuable Life Lessons

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The great thing about classic cartoons from the 90s is that they weren’t just fun and games. They also helped shape impressionable young minds with valuable life lessons while eschewing the cheesiness of Afterschool Specials.

 

Cartoons like:


1. Johnny Bravo

Johnny constantly getting turned down by women regardless of his good looks and charm taught us that while confidence is a good thing, too much confidence will most likely get you punched in the face and or spat on (i.e. unsolicited and relentless flirting is not the way to go when approaching a woman).

 

Also, the way he would pick himself up after each rejection (like nothing embarrassing happened) helped teach that rejection is a normal part of life.


2. Scooby Doo

Scooby Doo’s first lesson was to not judge a book by its cover. Most episodes featured a red herring character who the Scooby gang always believed was responsible for whatever was going on JUST because said character was creepy looking.

 

Secondly, each episode of the show’s original format ended with the reveal that the monster-of-the-week was really just a human wearing a costume. The key takeaway from this was that in real life, humans are the real monsters.


3. Sponge Bob

The show about the living sponge taught about the power of positivity. In the face of disasters hitting Bikini Bottom, Mr Krab’s annoying penny pinching, and Squidward’s eternal funk, Spongebob was always so damn positive. Something we need more of in the world today.


4. Powerpuff Girls

Powerpuff Girls was all about girl power and the fact that sometimes, big things do come in little packages. It also worked hard to destroy the concept of gender stereotypes. Here’s a conversation the girls had when trying to figure out the gender of a new neighbour based on the person’s property and Bubbles was being hella unwoke.


5. Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner

Wile E. Coyote is the dictionary definition of perseverance. Could he have tried eating some other animal? Yes. Did that ever occur to him? Occasionally (he tried eating Bugs Bunny a couple of times). But he was so intent on catching the Road Runner that he spent 3 DECADES going after it, gravely injuring himself in the process with his numerous malfunctioning contraptions.

 

And his perseverance paid off in the end. A lot of people don’t know this but he actually caught the Road Runner in an episode of the show released in 1980.

 

Then this happened:


6. Ed, Edd n Eddy

Watching Ed, Edd, and Eddy spend the better part of their teenage years trying (and failing) to scam their friends and family out of money to buy candy taught us all that NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SECURING THE BAG.


7. Captain Planet

Mostly primary coloured superhero, Captain Planet, and his obviously intentionally racially diverse group of Planeteers set out every episode to stop villains who were hell-bent on destroying the Earth via various environmentally unsafe activities (e.g. deforestation, poaching, pollution etc).

 

A bit more obvious about its intentions than the other shows on this list, the show taught kids about environmentalism by showing the dangers of activities harmful to the environment using the typical monster-of-the-week format. It even explored themes like drug abuse and HIV/AIDS discrimination, topics no kids show at the time would’ve touched with a 6-foot pole.


BONUS ENTRY: Super Book

The most exciting thing to come out of the religious genre since Mel Gibson’s “The Torture Passion of the Christ,” this show taught me that the Butterfly Effect is a scam. If I ever get my hands on a time machine, I am going to the past to intentionally fuck shit up, confident that, like Yuri and Gizmo’s adventures in biblical times, it will have no effect on my present/future.

The post 7 Classic Cartoons That Taught Us Valuable Life Lessons appeared first on Zikoko!.

A Handy Guide To Eating South-South Food

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There’s an art to cooking South-South food. Anyone from those parts will tell you free of charge. It’s more than just throwing ingredients together into a big pot. There’s a certain skill need to turn Starch. You need to know the exact proportion of yam to plantain to make a perfect pot of Onunu. There’s also an art to eating South-South food. You just don’t consume it, you savour every bite. 

So read this before you make your next trip down South.

You can’t leave this life without trying Ekpang Nkukwo from Akwa Ibom.

It’s like Ikokore but better. If you eat it without periwinkle your enjoyment can’t be complete.

You might think you’ve had proper plantain porridge before, but I’m here to tell you that you haven’t until you’ve had Kekefia.

Kekefia made with ripe plantain is the manna from heaven you read about in the bible.

Whoever the first person was, to discover that combining plantain and yam will birth the magic that is Onunu deserves a Nobel peace prize.

The way bread goes with butter is the same way Onunu goes with fish pepper soup. Please don’t go and eat it with Efo.

After its art, Black Soup might be the second greatest thing the people of Edo have given Nigeria.

Technically you can eat Black Soup with any swallow food, both the right thing to pair this with is pounded yam.

Delta people like to make noise about Banga so that we won’t discover their best kept secret – Ukodo. Well the gig is up.

The secret to Ukodo is finding the perfect plantain for it. The kind of plantain that’s just ripe enough to be sweet, but not too ripe. Ukodo is also not meant to be eaten alone, you have to eat it with friends.

There are a number of things every human being deserves to experience before they die. One of them is eating Native Soup. And not just any Native Soup, Ikwerre Native Soup.

Anyone who serves you Native Soup without fish is capable of murder, so you better hold their shirt.

How the unlikely combo of palm oil, potash and tomatoes results in Owo soup is beyond me. Owo soup is what you eat when you are in a bad mood and need a pick me up. Or when you’ve just come back from a long day at work.

Both Delta and Edo people lay claim to Owo soup, but so long as we are eating it with Starch or yam, we really can’t be bothered.

There’s a ton of great food in the South, so we are sure we didn’t cover everything. What’s your favourite South-South food?

The post A Handy Guide To Eating South-South Food appeared first on Zikoko!.

Invisible Borders Is Re-Imaging Nigerian Futures, And You Have To See It!

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In 2016 and 2017, 12 Nigerians, made up of a colourful mix of photographers, writers and filmmakers — set out to discover what it truly means to be Nigerian.

The project, called ‘Borders Within’, was organised by the Invisible Borders Trans-African Photographers Organization.

It lasted 81-days, and involved the explorers going from state-to- state, by road, in search of answers.

To properly cover the Nigerian landscape — the 12 divided into groups of 2. One part traveled counter-clockwise, retracing Nigeria’s sometimes rich, sometimes colourful and other times, downright terrible history – to see how it has shaped Nigeria’s present.

The other, went clockwise. Examining present-day Nigeria — of tear-inducing exchange rates, geriatric leadership, incessant strikes etc, to understand what it means to be Nigerian in changing climates. Both parties, thankfully documented their journeys.

Pause for a moment, with Nigerians doing purposeful things like seeking to understand Nigeria’s history for the present — what was the most exciting you did between 2016 and 2017?

For me, short of counting the days I got up five minutes ahead of my alarm, I’d have to say the most exciting thing that happened for me, both years combined – was discovering old episodes of Jim Iyke’s Unscripted still existed in recesses of the internet.
Send help, not judgment.

(Just look at this trailer. No need to thank me, just doing the Lord’s work.)

Lucky for those of us sorely lacking in excitement, or a thorough understanding of the Nigerian landscape, we can live vicariously through the 12 Nigerian explorers.

Having painstakingly detailed their journey, they have curated their experiences into viable art forms.

Following a grant by the Apex Art, New York, the ‘Invisible Borders’ exhibition will be on display at the Nigerian Railway Corporation Yard, Yaba. Between 10am and 6pm daily.

You can expect to be taken along on the road trip, examining a collage of images, audio-visual representation, public interventions on Nigerian attitudes towards masculinity, family, history, movement and the Civil War.

It will also feature two public conversations that are designed to ensure that the exhibition has a fuller and rounder narrative while also educating and stimulating the audience on their understanding of and relationship with Nigeria.

The program will feature works by James Bekanawei, Eloghosa Osunde, Kechi Nomu, Zainab Odunsi, and the remaining explorers.

Make sure you come through.

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UNDERGROUND Presents: Oluchi Obasi

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Singer/songwriter Oluchi first began to take music seriously after she left Project Fame in 2016.

She had made it to the top 10 but it wasn’t her day or her edition.

“I had been making music since after secondary school but I started taking it seriously after (Project Fame),” she tells me.

Her first release, “Chi Ihunanya” came shortly after in the same year.

The song, produced by YBNL’s in-house beatmaker, Pheelz is an African contemporary folk song about a woman’s search for love.


It was Oluchi’s foot in the water – and you can hear the early form of what she now describes as her “Afro-Soul” sound taking shape.

Love and the people she shares it with are key themes in Oluchi’s music. She’s not afraid to tell deeply personal stories.

On “xxxx”, an unreleased track from her forthcoming EP, she recalls her mother’s sacrifices.

It is brutally thankful, as a grateful child would do to a mother she adores but with a tinge of anxiety as if she worries if she could deliver on the faith shown in her.


Recently, Oluchi has been spending her time chasing her Master’s Degree.

It’s been a good couple of months but that chapter is done now.

And it’s back to her first love.

She’s currently working on her debut EP.

It’s set for release sometime this year. Here’s what we can tell you.

Just. Wait.

The post UNDERGROUND Presents: Oluchi Obasi appeared first on Zikoko!.

One Or Two Things You Need To Know About Rape In Nigeria

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There is a culture of silence around rape in Nigeria. If it’s talked about all, there are usually two kinds of reactions. There are the people who’ll tell you to not talk about it so that you can ‘cover your shame’. Because it’s you the victim who should be ashamed and not the assailant. The other group of people will ask you what you were doing at the scene of the incident in a short skirt.

People in the former group are also likely to tell you to leave the matter to God, instead of reporting to authorities. While people in the latter will tell you to ‘stop making noise about it, and go and report to police’.

What both people either don’t know or choose not to understand is that rape is ridiculously prevalent in Nigeria and for the most part victims never get justice.

So here are a couple of facts about rape, rape culture and Nigeria, I thought people ought to know.


In 2013, the Nigeria Police recorded 1,788 cases of rape. In 2015 that number went up to 1,827.

And we all know that as at today in 2019 these numbers are not any lower. Also, the numbers were gotten from cases that were actually reported. Which we all know makes up a very small fraction of the number of rape cases that actually occur.


As at 2015 only 18 rape convictions had been recorded in the whole of Nigeria’s legal history.

In Lagos alone between 2012 and 2013, 678 cases were reported. Yet as at 2015, only 18 rape convictions had been recorded countrywide.


One in four girls by the time she reaches 18 would have experienced at least one form of sexual assault.

And 70.5% of the girls experience multiple incidents of sexual abuse. This is what happens when assailants are tried at family meetings and given a pass, instead of in a court of law and imprisoned.


84% of girls who are sexually abused do not know where to seek help.

Or even whether to seek help. A large percentage of sexual assault cases involve family members. In a culture that priorities respect of adults and elders above all else, it’s very difficult for victims to come forward.


52% of the time assailants are personally known by the victim.

Which means 52% of the time it’s not just some random thug off the street. It’s a close friend, teacher, pastor, uncle. 52% of the time, the assailant is a face you know and trust.


93.9% of sexual assault victims in Nigeria are female.

If you are one of those people who scream ‘what of the men’ when people are advocating against sexual assault of women, please remember this number.


There’s no such thing as consensual sex between a child and an adult.

What that is called, is statutory rape. Disgracefully the age of consent in Nigeria is 14. 14 when some of our biggest worries were when our parents will finally allow us start using lipgloss.


88% of child sexual abuse victims know the abuser.

And so do their guardians that’s why you were told to wear something that covered your legs when a certain uncle came by. Or not wear certain clothes to a particular family friend’s house.


None of the above statistics are a hundred percent accurate. A ridiculous number of cases go unreported, or reported to pastors and family members who encourage victims to ‘leave the matter to God and stay silent.

But in this era of #MeToo were brave women like Monica Osagie refuse to stay silent, we can feel a revolution coming and we are here for it.


Meanwhile here’s a comprehensive list of where to get help for victims of sexual assault across Nigeria.

The post One Or Two Things You Need To Know About Rape In Nigeria appeared first on Zikoko!.

We Heard You Had Questions About The 2019 Elections.

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In a few days, Nigerians will besiege polling booths the country over, to make a decision on who gets to call themselves as “The President of Nigeria” for the next 4 years.

But before then, we thought to answer any questions you might have about the upcoming elections. Like say, what finger do I use to vote (the forefinger), and can I watch a KUWTK marathon before heading out to my polling unit? (you can, provided you take a little break to in-between to vote between the hours of 7 am and 5 pm).

Here are the answers to any other questions you might have about the 2019 elections:


When exactly are the elections?

The Nigerian general elections will hold on the 16th of February, while the Governors will get their moment to shine come March 5th, together with the candidates for the state assemblies and area councils.


What do I need to be eligible to vote?

First things first, you must be at least 18 years of age, so if the words — ‘Scrap Palace’ don’t mean anything to you, sit this one out kid. You must of course be Nigerian and must have registered for and collected your PVC.

.


Oh man, PVC! I keep forgetting to get that. Can I still get mine?

About that. February 11th is the very last day for PVC collection. So if you missed it all this while,you have a final chance, come Monday the 11th. Head to INEC Local Government Office, closest to the location you registered — then you just might stand a chance. A small one though, but try sha.


How many parties are contesting the 2019 elections?

Final figure locked, a total of 74 parties will be contesting for the post of president. Something about Nigeria’s dwindling economy and lackluster policies on education really got the candidates going.


Those are a lot of parties. Who should I be voting for?

Whoever you feel honestly and truly has the range to bring the dollar back into that 140-naira side, please dear. But really, any candidate you feel has Nigeria’s best interests at heart. Good luck finding one.


Got it! What are 3 things I absolutely have to bear in mind on voting day?

Do not forget your PVC. Make sure to have checked these INEC guidelines to know what to expect at your polling unit. And of course, leave your drip at home.

You do not want to ruin your favourite shoes if your polling unit happens to be attacked.


When can I start tweeting about Nigeria’s next official president?

The results for the presidential and senatorial elections will be released between 3 to 5 days after voting has been carried out. So mark your calendars for anywhere between the 18th and 21st of February.


When will the next leaders of Nigeria be sworn in?

Despite Democracy Day being moved to June 12th, the 29th of May will remain the valid date for the swearing-in of elected officials.


What else would you like to know about the 2019 elections? Let us know!

The post We Heard You Had Questions About The 2019 Elections. appeared first on Zikoko!.

UNDERGROUND Presents: BarelyAnyHook – Lyricist And A Half

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BarelyAnyHook is an MC you keep your eyes on.

barelyanyhook underground

Tall and gingerly with a constant gaze, BarelyAnyHook wears his quirk on his sleeve, in his glasses, his intimidating head of hair and the multi-lingual lyrics that often sit front and centre in his songs.

The rapper, real name Ejiro Ekperigin, first hit the public radar when he was featured on AYLØ’s “Honest Conversations” in 2016.

The next few months provided more fragments of who the rapper is. He was a guest on the delicious “Blunt Deals” by producer Goldkeyz.

More features came after. By now, the rapper had whipped up considerable interest and it was somewhat fitting that his first introduction of sorts came by way of a performance at the now-iconic 90s Baby Soundoff.


The alte-verse may have met him on an evening in Lekki but barelyanyhook’s story starts much earlier.

A minute or so of digging led us his oldest recording on the internet, a soulful number titled “Good Girl” featuring verses rapped over a Ryan Leslie beat. The track was made over seven years ago when Barely made music under the moniker – “DK”.

The new name – “barelyanyhook” – was the title of a project he was working on. But with time, the moniker detached itself from a body of work that never saw the light of day and stuck to its creator.

Barely’s first shift had more to do with genres than nicknames though; it dates back to a time when melody, not ‘spoken word with sauce’ was his chosen art form.

I’m actually a singer at heart. It’s what I began with,” he told More Branches’ Adedayo Laketu in 2017. “Then poetry. Rapping came after I swapped powers with a friend who did it. We rubbed off on each other and he encouraged it too.”


Convinced that this marauding, puzzle-like form was the way to go, the new rapper threw himself into his art.

You can still hear his first love in his music though.

The rapper enjoys building vivid motifs in his verses, by combing rapid delivery with a lyrical edge that makes every song feel like an intense conversation.

Yet, he’s built a knack for kicking off songs with new soul melodies that would remind you of a more laidback Anderson .Paak before plunging headfirst into his verses.

Take “Montezuma” for instance, where he takes your ears to Central America with a carioca-tinged hook, while he contemplates life by the ocean in his verses.

Understanding barelyanyhook’s unfolding as an artist will take you through both sides of his two releases. In 2013, he released “22“, a three-track collection of tracks that serves as his debut project.

5 years passed between that and his first full-bodied body of work.


The 10-track “Took You Long Enough” was released in 2018. The 10-track project features gems like “Johnny Seabass”, “Montezuma” and “Reasons”.

Hip-hop loves underdog stories. From an eager Jay-Z living in the shadow of Jaz-O and Biggie to a short black boy from Jos trying to wrestle the throne of Nigerian hip-hop, we love to see supposed underlings take a jump to respect and acclaim.

More importantly, we’re obsessed with whatever instigates that jump – from Cardi B’s “Bodak Yellow” and the years of Instagram infamy that stimulated interest in her to Zlatan Ibile and how a dance style rebranded an underground rap vet as a pop prince.

It would make sense that fans of BarelyAnyHook, and the artist himself, would be in wait for that moment. And if anyone knows how to take an opportunity, it’s Johnny Seabass.


In 2017, while Jidenna was in Lagos during one of his frequent visits, BarelyAnyHook caught him after a show at Beat FM.

The rapper decided to strut his stuff to another eclectic Nigerian brother.

The video of that short freestyle made its way online via Beat FM’s Twitter and turned several heads his way.

It’s been over a year since then and Barely shows no signs of slowing down.

On his latest single “Line-Up”, he insists he’s closed the chapter on an old flame, even though she keeps blowing his line up.

That’s it, really. I’m exploring the range of my emotions and states of mind as a person regardless of the context or location. And emotions are a lot like a colour-changing gas inside a crystal ball for me sometimes,” he says.

We’ve just gotta be cool with all sides of ourselves, basically.

Keep your eyes on this guy.

The post UNDERGROUND Presents: BarelyAnyHook – Lyricist And A Half appeared first on Zikoko!.

#WomenExplain Catcalling And ‘Toasting’ In A Way Men Can Understand

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In Nigeria, it’s almost impossible for a woman to walk past a group of men, without one or more screaming something like ‘eys fine girl’ at you. If you are lucky that’s where it ends, if you are not, one of the men will proceed to try and ‘toast’ you.

The toasting usually involves stalking you and being called ugly after declining to give out your number for the upteenth time.

The biggest problem with catcalling and this form of toasting is that the men who engage in it don’t seem to see the problem with it. It’s no big deal, they are only complimenting you and you should feel flattered, na you get wahala.

So this week we explain catcalling and toasting in ways men might find more relatable.

Once you enter Yaba market, before you blink ten traders are in your face asking ‘fine boy you wan by chinos’. You might not have even entered the market to buy anything, you are probably late for work hurrying to your next bus stop but the traders won’t let you see road. There’s no point telling them to leave you alone because they no dey hear word. And if you lash out that’s when they’ll balance on your head.

That’s how it feels when you and like five of your friends approach a girl who’s just walking on her own. And instead of leaving her alone when she says, you decide to start following her.

You know how Nigerian police stops you to ask for something for the boys if you have a nice car or if you even just wore fine shirt that day? The entitlement they even use to ask for the money, as if you were owing them money before. You are doing the exact same thing when you expect a woman to give you any attention or her number just because you told her ‘is she an angel because she looks like she dropped from heaven’.

Has your car ever broken down on a lonely road at midnight before? And before you knew it, a man or some men appeared out of nowhere to come and ‘help’ you. In that moment you don’t know if they really want to help, or if they are ritualist going about Nigeria collecting peoples’ penises.

You just hope your mother’s prayers are actually working. In that situation no matter how many times they tell you ‘baba calm down’ you don’t let your guard down until you are in the safety of your car and on your way.

Now imagine how a girl feels when you approach her alone late at night.  Persistently asking her for her number and trailing her down a lonely road.

I guess what we are really trying to say is that the next time you stop a girl to tell her that her bum bum is big. Or you tail a girl from Ikoyi to V.I just because you want to collect her number, stop, think and put yourself in her shoes.

The post #WomenExplain Catcalling And ‘Toasting’ In A Way Men Can Understand appeared first on Zikoko!.

If Your Bank Account Is Currently Not Smiling, This One’s For You

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You see this life ehn, the thing can be unpredictable sometimes.

 

One moment you’re financially stable, with a lot of disposable income. The next moment, circumstances spiral out of your control and unplanned expenses appear out of thin air, leaving you wondering why your village people suddenly have your time.

 

And then you’re left unable to do the things you genuinely need to do. Things like:


Pay Bills

Electricity, water, phone, data, gas etc. All essentials you need to properly function.


Secure new equipment for your business.

Whatever equipment your business might need e.g. computers, grinders, tractors etc.


Getting a car to finally start that cab service hustle.

Because a  little extra money every month never hurt anyone.


Make repairs around your house.

Because you’re tired of setting a bucket under that patch of leaky roof in your apartment and then having to frantically rush back home every few hours so the bucket doesn’t overflow and flood your room.


Go to the hospital

Your biggest prayer now is to not fall ill. Because if you do, you have no choice but to wait the illness out while hoping to God it’s not something serious.


Pay school fees

School fees are pretty pricey these days and they have to be paid on time to avoid embarrassment.


Pay rent

Rent is due and your landlord has given you so many warnings (you’ve ignored) that you wouldn’t be surprised if the next one comes via aeroplane banner.

 

 

Now that we’ve gone over all the things you desperately need money for, let’s talk about a way you can solve your problems.

 

You could get a loan.

 

I know. You’ve heard that loans are difficult to get. But with Renmoney, you get to avoid all that stress.

 

Renmoney is a fintech lending company that operates under a microfinance banking license in Lagos and provides loans to individuals and small businesses. They offer loans of up to N4,000,000 with a flexible repayment pattern for new and existing customers.

 

And the best part? Getting loans from them is super easy because collateral isn’t required!

 

Oh, yes way. 

 

Click here to get started.

 

Don’t say we never we never did anything for you.

The post If Your Bank Account Is Currently Not Smiling, This One’s For You appeared first on Zikoko!.

Everything To Expect As You Go Back To School

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On February 8th,2019 the Academic Staff Union of Universities announced their decision to suspend their strike after reaching an agreement with the Federal government. Students across the country came to a solemn realisation – school was going to resume soon. On the plus side, the final year brethren get to graduate this year. On the other hand, the battle with our archaic educational system for a degree continues.

Hope you’ve enjoyed waking up by 11 AM and eating whenever you like because it’s back to crappy hostels, terrible power supply, hot weather, boring lectures, mandatory pseudo-fasting, and “this-school-is-a-scam” rants.

 

Nationwide, academic activities are set to resume and we thought it would be nice to remind you of a few things.


Get Ready To Lose All The Weight

You’ve been at home for more than 3 months so it’s only natural that you’ve put on some extra weight. If you haven’t, contact your village people immediately and beg. 

Things are about to change though, you’re all going back to your respective war camps and torture facilities. That means that some bald middle aged man with his notes from the 80s is about to bore and stress you till you can play do re mi with your rib cage. 


Do You Still Remember Your Matric Number?

If, like me, you gave up on school and forgot your matric number during the strike, please line up according to your height. We’re buying zobo to wash away our sorrows make we dey alright.

 

PS – Ask your class rep, he’s been signing your attendance for you so he knows.


Time To Become A Bread And Beans Warrior Again

If you’ve grown accustomed to Basmati rice and Chicken fillet with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice to wash it down, I’m already crying for you. Brethren, forget the comfort you have known and return to your bread and agoyin ways as quickly as possible. 


Hope You’ve Been Happy For The Entire Year

Fun fact about most universities – as you walk (or drive if you’re now a big somebody) through the gates, you’re leaving your joy and happiness outside, you’ll pick it up when you exit the premises.

 

Las las, may the joy of the Lord be with you.

 

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Will You Be Voting In The Elections? We Asked Nigerians, And They Have Very Mixed Feelings About It.

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In only a matter of days, Nigerians everywhere will make the decision, from a pool of options, as to who gets to call the shots in the country for the next 4 years.

But how do they feel about this? Are they excited, will they be voting with their chests, or are completely resigned to the thought?

We decided to find out how they felt, here’s what they had to say:


Elections?

Nope, never have, never will.
It’s not worth the stress. I actually almost contemplated getting my PVC, but when I saw the queues and heard all the stories on Twitter, I fully hung my towel. It’s just not for me.
Adebanji


INEC, Release me.

I won’t be voting in the elections, but hear me out. INEC has refused to release my PVC.
See, I actually considered taking this matter to Allah in prayer, in fact, I did. I went to their office three times, and three times they sent me back.

The last time was the most annoying. I was told to return after the elections to collect it.

So you see, it’s not by my power at this point.
Sly


Come the 23rd, catch me outside at my polling unit.

By the grace of the almighty God, on the 23rd, or whatever date they push it to, count me in.

If they like, they should fix it for next year, one day it will hold, and that day, I will be front and center, with my thumb inked.
Adaobi


It’s a no from me.

I won’t be voting in the elections, and there’s no real reason to it, I just don’t want to.

We asked if she thought her vote wouldn’t count, this was her response:

I think votes do count. Otherwise, politicians wouldn’t be dying on the line trying to buy them with tin-tomato and bags of rice or whatever. I just really can’t be bothered about it.

I’m only a casual observer of Nigeria at this point.
Daniella.


My church and I will be at the polling units.

I’m so bent on voting, I made a Whatsapp group for my church members, to make sure every single youth got their PVC and will be coming out to vote.

Except they postpone the elections indefinitely, myself and my church will be coming out to vote.

Can I add you to the groupchat?

Emmanuel Jnr


I even fought on top of this voting matter.

I will be voting, you can count on that.
In fact, as I’m talking to you now, I’m fighting with my wife because she wants me to vote for somebody, whose name I don’t even like saying.
But that’s in her pocket, we’ll make up after the elections, but I’m voting oh.
Adesegun.


Election day that I’ve booked for sleep.

Voting? It could never be me.
I didn’t even pretend to get my PVC. But people should vote though, I just won’t be one of them. I’ve already booked sleep for the election days. We should have this thing every 3 weeks, far as me and my sleep are concerned.
Asmau


Depends on how I wake up.

You know what? I have my PVC, I have all the facts, I just don’t know if I’ll be voting.
For one thing, I’m not completely sold on my candidate of choice. Plus, what if it’s my side looters decide to attack? I have a bad knee, I can’t be running race with anybody.
Anyway, depends on how I wake up election day, you just might catch me at a polling unit.
Oladapo.


No! On behalf of my family and myself.

I will not be, same with my family.
It’s so deep,my family and I don’t even want to be around for the elections. This weekend, we’re going to be in Benin Republic.
Last week, it was Togo. If they move it again, I don’t know, maybe Senegal.
But come election day, and maybe the week after, you won’t smell me in this country.
Mumuni


I will be voting.

There are no ifs, buts or maybes about it. Provided I’m alive come the 23rd, nothing can stop me from bringing this election home for my candidate.
Jonathan.

The post Will You Be Voting In The Elections? We Asked Nigerians, And They Have Very Mixed Feelings About It. appeared first on Zikoko!.

Two years after Odunsi’s “Desire”, What Does It Mean To Be Alté?

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Odunsi The Engine's "Desire"

Every week, Zikoko will take you through the moments that defined Nigerian pop culture or signalled a shift from the status quo or the birth of a new approach. Let’s take you through the WATERSHED–moments from which things were never the same.


As the hottest name in the alté-verse, Odunsi had quite a few doubters to silence in 2017 when “Desire” was released.

It was understandable. Why, for instance, was a 19-year old who had only been making music for a year heralded as the future? One of the more common questions was whether Odunsi and his fellow ‘SoundCloud artists’ could deliver on their potential. Other more worrying questions and suggestions followed. Do they plan to be successful? Why are they lighting marijuana blunts with candles? Are they cultists?

February 19, 2019 marked the second anniversary of Desire–there are fewer doubters now. In that time, the song has turned out to be an answer to many of those questions. One thing particularly stands out–the issue of what exactly alté

is all about. Nothing is the same anymore.

Every culture obsesses over its own history, and rightly so. From music to language, we’ve never been able to explain how art evolves. All we have are benchmarks or better still, “moments”–flashes of innovation that change how we see everything.

Nigerian hip-hop has collectives like Swatroot and Trybesmen. Afropop has albums like “Grass 2 Grace” and “The Entertainer”. The English Premier League has Cantona’s arrival and Aguero’s last-ditch winner at QPR in 2012.

 


Moments.

Odunsi the Engine, by Thompson S. Ekong.

Odunsi’s Desire, released on the hip of a bubble created by events like Idris King’s 90s Baby Pop Off and Minz’s first steps towards pop success, is one.

For starters, Desire is still one of Odunsi’s most streamed songs. It’s remarkable given that it came at a time when ‘alté’ referred to a class of rich hobos who were on an exercise of hope.

Much like the LOS’ night in the stars at Federal Palace Hotel in 2012, or Tay Iwar’s “Passport“, Desire marked the beginning of an era.

 


Lifting The Veil

Ragers at an iconic edition of he 90's Baby Sound Off. H/T 90s Baby.

Before its release, the community that birthed the alté movement had grown into a loose group of diverse creatives. Today’s alté artistes are mostly second-generation creatives. Like Odunsi’s mum who ran a culture club and played the music that formed his tastes, they were shaped by free-thinkers around them, in family, friends and on the TV.

Over time, they would take their inspirations from everywhere. In some cases, those influences are as close to home as Nigerian disco music and Nigerian home videos. Others looked to the distant and unlikely, like Japanese anime, grime and dubstep. 

Most outsiders, however, saw only the taste for the unusual. In a sense, it was a veil of sorts that covered the alté scene. In the period since DRB released “Marry You” as an email blast in 2008, many explained the DIY culture and innovation that connected the scene as a rich kid’s fad.

It’s common with certain sub-cultures. But in the case of the alté scene, when Desire dropped, a lifting of that veil was long overdue.

“Desire was more radio-friendly and got more people to get accustomed to me.”, Odunsi would tell Pulse Nigeria‘s Ehis Ohunyon in 2018, weeks before his first tour of the UK.

It’s easy to see why. The biggest songs from the alté scene at the time were more quirky than anything else. Take the instant classic, “Gangsta Fear“, for instance.

Odunsi’s verse is one for the history books. I’ve seen fans rage to the line “I’m only 19, but shawty, I can change your night” for two years and counting. But on either side of that verse is the hyper-melodic mumbling that the mysterious Santi has become known for. For his tribe, it was true to form; for first-time listeners though, it often proved difficult to absorb.

Desire is as familiar as an R&B song about impassioned love could be. It’s done in the typical verse-hook-verse format, held together by a breezy instrumental that screams secluded nights with a love interest. And as if to let you know where he’s coming from, the song is built around a sample of “Gum Body” by Nigerian reggae/dancehall veteran, Baba Dee.

In the weeks that followed its release, this familiarity spurred new interest in the artiste and the scene that birthed it.

More than anything, Desire created a point of reference for a new set of ears to understand alté.

 


To Be Alté.

In 2018, as the anticipation for his album heightened, Joey Akan and I interviewed Odunsi for our “No Ketchup” podcast. By the time we got talking about the community he represents, I tried to stop Joey from using the term ‘Alté’. Odunsi didn’t mind. He had embraced it; he was an alté artist if it meant people understood him more.

To be alté in 2019 means to be part of a community of creatives that are documenting influences in a manner that is at once subversive and stylish.

Take Santi, for instance. OzzyB’s evolution into the mystery that is Santino is almost parallel to the culture he stewards. On Friday, as fans awaited the next chapter before his album’s release, the dreadlocked singer, producer and director released a trailer of the music video for the unreleased “Sparky”.

And after years of missing the point, critics and spectators finally recognised the movies that raised us in Santi’s visual style.

 


Welcome To Shalté.

DMW affiliate, Oxlade is flanked on both sides by Barry Jhay and Fireboy DML.

That lifting of the veil has also helped to widen the umbrella of what this sonic movement is. For the longest time, the slightest sprinkling of 80s pop or a disregard for formats, almost natural for a post-Kanye West creative, was all it took to be alté. But those lines in the sand have been cleaned out.

The murky place where those two classes meet is now home to an interesting class of musicians. Some describe them as shalté–from the words ‘shepeteri’ and alté.

There’s Teni the Entertainer, a multi-hyphenate who freestyles eventual hit songs on a whim and has fans across the board. Ears are perking up to the sound of Barry Jhay, a vocal powerhouse who writes preachy pop songs inspired by his father, Fuji pioneer, Chief Sikiru Ayinde Barrister. Oxlade, a playful R&B fan who makes infectious Afropop currently has one of the hottest songs in the country. GoodGirl LA, a sultry singer/songwriter who feels as at home across genres is racking up buzz. Olamide recently introduced us to Fireboy DML whose turn on songs like “Jealous” has us excited for what’s next.

 

The best example of Desire’s impact is perhaps Odunsi himself. Months after he released Desire, Odunsi created another watershed moment with “Alté Cruise“. It is a song that seemed to capture the movement’s energy so much that Spotify named an entire playlist after it.

Notable performances at NATIVELand and Homecoming followed. Then, in 2018, he released “Divine” with Davido, proof that the mainstream was being won over. ‘rare‘, his debut album was released to favourable reviews. He’s kicked off 2019 with an appearance on Apple’s Beats 1 and a single with UK singer, Raye.

This Tuesday, Odunsi tweeted to mark the anniversary of the project that really kicked off his career.

thank you @TayIwar @Funbimusic & @HigoMusic for creating this classic with me. & thank you @_Falomo_ for bringing my vision to life.” he wrote.

Hours later, Tay Iwar debuted a scenic music video for “Space” available only on Tidal. Days before, Lady Donli had shared snippets and photos from her sessions with Jamaican producer Diplo and singer Mr Eazi in South Africa.

 


Everything Is Alternative Till It Becomes Pop.

Odunsi the Engine sits with host Julie Adenuga on Beats 1 following the release of his single, "Tipsy" featuring Raye.

And Desire was the first step on the road to bringing a somewhat-hostile audience to understand that. It wouldn’t have been possible without the doubtless gifts of Funbi and Tay Iwar, two talented acts in a league of their own who are racking up their own benchmarks. The man who produced Desire, GMK, is now known for crafting, alongside BankyondBeatz, the sound of the alté scene. They must feel like proud fathers.

It’s impossible to ignore the influence of alte on the mainstream in the years since “Desire”.

“Rendezvous”, MI Abaga’s first release of 2018, was basically a showcase of the scene’s finest talents. The veteran has repeatedly told of how he surrendered artistic direction on the year’s second release, ” Yxng Dxnzl: A Study On Self Worth” to Odunsi and GMK. Lady Donli, who appeared on the album, has featured on some of the most popular projects in the last year as well.

What does it mean to be an alté artiste in 2019? To be unafraid and intent on reflecting your influences, in your own voice, with no eyes for limitations. That’s the only thing that ever mattered anyway. We just understand it more now.

 

The post Two years after Odunsi’s “Desire”, What Does It Mean To Be Alté? appeared first on Zikoko!.

4 Nigerian Music Videos You Should Re-watch For A Good Laugh

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Oh, come on. Who else would be on this list if not them?

 

“Isn’t it amazing how stuff can look like the best thing ever one day and then look like absolute garbage the next?”

 

This is the question I ask myself whenever I revisit music, music videos. and movies from the late 90s/early 2000s to see if they still look as awesome as they did to me back then.

 

Today’s edition: Music Videos.

 

 


1. P – Square – Senorita

What I love the most about this video is how Jude Okoye, the video’s director, memento’s the hell out of it by throwing the timeline of events all over the place. You’re never really sure of when anything is happening until the video ends. It’s weird that it’s a love song too because the video’s main character, Vivian, is a fucking horrible person. She constantly shits on the brothers for being broke and then tries to hit them up when they hammer. She’s so fucking horrible that when she eventually dies (by somehow running into the path of their car after they blow her off for being a gold digger), I let out an excited yelp.

 

Then there’s that iconic dance break where they morph into a Michael Jackson tribute band by violently ripping off his dance moves.  Let’s not even talk about how the gravestone one of the brothers spends the entire video singing to doesn’ even have the right name on it.

 

 

Either that or the character’s real name was Senor White. And to that, I say, “lol wot??”

 


2. Seyi Sodimu – Love Me Jeje

“I’m here, I’m back. I’m taking over. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I’m mean and sober” – Seyi Sodimu, after walking into a bar.

 

A modern day music video with this premise would’ve been set in a club. However, this video was shot in a bar, which would be fine if it wasn’t obviously daytime. Also, the bar is packed at midday, which brings up a question I’m very sure no one has asked in the 22 years since this video was released:

 

“Isn’t being at a bar at 12 noon a telltale sign of having a drinking problem?” 

 

That being said, what makes this video truly amazing is the extras, who seemingly received no direction on what to do or how to dress so they just shuffled about in the background at different energy levels, while dressed for completely different occasions. Like this one woman, who made the bold fashion choice to wear a pantsuit on an afternoon out to pick up men.

Iconique!


3. Rasqie – Ati Ready

In a move I suspect wasn’t intentional, the video starts like a 50s vampire movie, with ominous music playing over random shots of the setting sun and full moon. Cut to Rasqie walking into a casino/night club with an enormous guitar on his shoulder (that plays no role in the plot of the video because he never plays it), then the music starts. Unlike “Love Me Jeje,” all the extras here are energetic AF and are actually dressed like clubgoers ready to rhythmically dry hump each other till the early morn.

 

Except for the featured vocalist in the song, who’s decked out in a flowing Ankara gown and a Kelly Rowland wig.

Tragique!


4. Tony Tetuila – Na You Sabi

A food vendor (played by comedienne, Princess) is chilling in her shop when Tony shows up to tell her about his plan to go to Abuja so he can make money.  The following conversation ensues:

 

Woman: “So how are you paying for this trip?”

 

Tony Tetuila: “Well, I was hoping you’d give me the money.”

 

Woman: “Boy bye! Also, PAY THE MONEY YOU OWE ME!!!”

 

This song has one verse and that’s pretty much all that happens in it. Also, it’s never revealed what exactly he owes her money for.

 

Shaky plot aside, the pièce de résistance here is how Kaffy and her backup dancers are dressed in yellow t-shirts and blue jeans, inadvertently making the video look like a 3-minute long Blue Band advert.

 

 

 


I get it.


These videos are very much products of their time.

They’re still fun to make fun of though. 😏

The post 4 Nigerian Music Videos You Should Re-watch For A Good Laugh appeared first on Zikoko!.

To The Final Year Brethren

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The end of another strike means the continuation of another struggle – Final Year.

Final year is the most frightening year in school. One wrong move and you’re getting slapped with an extra year. Add the emotional punishment called ‘project’ and you have a full stack horror movie.

It isn’t all nightmares though, and being a few months away from your great escape has its perks.


Clear The Way, Final Year Brethren Coming Through

You can’t be in final year and not raise shoulder. After years of suffering and emotional torment you want to be humble? My friend, raise shoulder and stunt, strut on these streets like you own them. Have your own entrance song if you can. Brothers and Sisters, you’ve come this far with pieces of your sanity intact, you deserve some respect.


One Lecturer You Don’t Like Will Adopt You

This is the one that’ll shock you to your bones. The same lecturer that said A is for God and gave you an F in year 2 will start saying you’re his son or daughter. Excuse me sir, we’re not friends like that.


You Don’t Know Them, But They Know You

In every class it’s normal to have people you may never say a word to, especially if it’s a big class. There are also people you didn’t know were in your class to begin with. It will come as a surprise that you’re all friends, they know your name, your favourite food, and your BVN too.


Final Year Week

Get your dancing shoes ready because its party time. 7 days of food, clothes, hangouts with your classmates and going wild. But not too wild because there’s still your project defence. Be guided.


After Your Defence

The crown jewel of the final year race – your project defence. It marks the end to your rite of passage into the real world. The moment you close your project supervisors door and step into the sun a free human, the rest of your life begins.

 

Good luck and may the force be with you.

 

The post To The Final Year Brethren appeared first on Zikoko!.

We Imagined What Election Eve Must Feel Like For The Candidates.

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Buhari

He’s probably plotting his fourth televised speech of the day, to break the record for “most unnecessary consecutive televised addresses”.

His speechwriter and human teleprompter are whimpering in a corner, signaling Osinbajo to make it stop.


Atiku

You can find him currently in a serious meeting with his campaign advisors, debating the pros, cons and logistics of dropping a photo shoot in front of JFK Airport and returning to Nigeria in time to vote.

“If I lose this thing because people don’t think I can enter America, it’s on you oh” he fumes.


Dino

Melaye, who is contesting for the Kogi West Senatorial position, is home, scrolling through his Instagram, while reclined in the front seat of his rotating Cadillac, Fuji garbage blaring from the speakers.

Something comes to mind and he beckons his assistant to the car.

“Am I healthy in the media right now, or should I be walking around with a brace?”

She assures him of his health, but reminds him to brace up, a week before his court date.

He smiles, produces his handy tripod and camera from underneath the car seat, and begins the Harlem Shake. His next Instagram post is about to be explosive.


Oby

Mrs Ezekwesili just blocked the last member of the ACPN hounding her for campaign spending details.

She added all of them to a groupchat, dropped the link to her website, where all campaign spending details are present and simply exited the group.

She’s currently waiting to see what presidential candidates will RSVP to her coalition party, later tonight.


Eunice

Mrs Atuejide just parked in front of Atiku’s campaign headquarters, fruit basket in hand.

Since she has pulled out of the race, best believe she’s going to cheer her preferred candidate to victory come February 23rd.


Yele

Sowore is currently shooing off red-eyed party supporters, hanging around his residence, reminding him of his promise to legalise weed.

He’s planning his final town hall meeting, which he has been most consistent with since the start of the campaigns.


Durotoye

Mr Durotoye has three laptop screens open before him, and is feverishly refreshing his social media accounts.

If he crosses a collective 1 million mark, he’ll take it as a good sign of victory, if not…


Moghalu

Moghalu has shouted ‘ONE TRILLION NAIRA INVESTMENT FUND’ at every single mirror he can find, this election eve.

He’s incredibly pumped for the elections and can barely wait for the results to be out.

The post We Imagined What Election Eve Must Feel Like For The Candidates. appeared first on Zikoko!.

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