Yoruba people are the kings of parties. Undisputed. They are the kind of people who will throw a party to celebrate the success of a previous party. And they ALWAYS go all out. Always. Aso ebi in place, excess food; most times, they even hire a live band. This list will show you a list of other things Yoruba people can throw a party for.
1. To celebrate a new transformer.
Ever been to a street where Yoruba people live? Ah, parte after parte every Saturday.) Now imagine what will happen when such a street buys a transformer after a long period of darkness? Trust them to go all out.
2. When their child gains university admission.
In 100 level, this family cooked Jollof rice and invited people for their daughter’s matriculation ceremony. I can’t make this up. They came with their boot full of Jollof rice coolers. E shock me oh.
3. To remember their great grandparents who died thirty years ago.
There’s an expression for it: they want to turn the dead body to another side, in case the side that the body is lying on has begun to ache.
4. When they marry a second wife.
Celebrating the addition of a new member to the family.
5. When their child passes junior WAEC and is promoted to JSS1. Or when the child passes out of secondary school.
A friend’s family printed jotters and picked aso-ebi to celebrate their son’s great’s success. That was when I feared the people of my tribe.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Mystery And Origin Of Artificial Hair And Women Attachment”.
I feel like using a picture of Medusa as the cover of your Christian book about the origin of artificial hair is a little on the nose. Then again, the authors of the books in this series aren’t the best at subtlety.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This is the second time I’ve recapped a book written by Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo. The first recap was of the book she wrote about how the devil created football as a way to destroy humanity because he hates us so much. That same book also contains all the underworld tea she claims to have gathered while serving the devil for 990 years.
Fun Fact: Recapping that book gave birth to the entire So You Don’t Have Toseries. So I guess in a way, I have her to thank for all this.
She starts the book like every Alessia Cara song, by telling the reader that no matter how much makeup they wear or the quality of weaves they sew to their heads, they will never be beautiful. She also says that any woman who abuses their natural God-given beauty with artificial add-ons should be ready to “dance to God’s unquenchable fury and anger.”
What follows is this picture:
I don’t know why.
After this, Evangelist Fumilayo gets into the meat of the matter by revealing that there are demonic covenants people unknowingly get into with Satan and the Queen of the Coast whenever they use artificial hair.
She pauses proceedings at this point to tell us a story of a church she was once invited to as a guest minister. A church that, according to her, didn’t believe in modest dressing.
I will not rest until HBO adapts this story into a period movie starring Emma Thompson as the pastor’s wife, Meryl Streep as Evangelist Fumilayo, and Dolly Parton as the fashioner designer/hairstylist.
Damn.
A few months later, the pastor’s wife died, and not long after, the fashion designer had a dream. In this dream, she saw the pastor’s wife in hell, sitting in what she described as “the department of worldliness with great torture and pain.” This department contained seats with the names of the other women in the church who wore weaves.
And that’s not all. According to fashion designer lady, the pastor’s wife hair had turned to snakes that were biting her, adding to the pain of hellfire.
DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNN!
Fashion designer lady claimed the pastor’s wife spent the entire dream cussing her out for stopping Evangelist Fumilayo from preaching that day. It was in the midst of this cussing session that she woke up.
After reading this next part, try not to roll your eyes too hard lest they get lost in the back of your head.
What did the female church members use to cut off their weaves?
Evangelist Fumilayo says she was invited back to the church two years later. She says that on her way there, she spent time thinking of how she was going to shade the hell out of them using bible passages because of how they disgraced her the last time.
However, to her surprise (and disappointment, I’m sure), the women had changed their mode of dressing, leading her to ask what the hell happened. This was when they informed her that she wasn’t actually invited to preach but to witness what God had done in their lives through her.
Ok, sis.
THE ORIGIN OF (AND COVENANT BEHIND) ARTIFICIAL HAIR
Before the reader has time to poke holes in this story or complain about the grammatical errors, Evangelist Fumilayo starts reminiscing about the time she and the Queen of the Coast came together in hell’s laboratory to create hair relaxer. What led them to create this?
Because hell’s comms department received a report one year saying that 8 souls made it into heaven. 8 souls out of the millions that died that year. And to Satan, that was unacceptable.
I mean, have you ever seen both of them in the same room?
Because relaxers were exclusive to people that actually had enough hair to relax, Evangelist Fumilayo suggested to the Queen of the Coast that they needed to create something with the potential to trap every woman on the planet. This was when the Queen of the Coast realized that they needed help and proceeded to set up a meeting between Evangelist Fumilayo and Medusa.
Yes, hunny. THAT Medusa.
You know, the same Medusa who is part of Greek mythology.
At her temple (in GREECE??), Medusa agreed to help, but on one condition. That any human who used what she was going to provide and died with it, would end up looking like her (Medusa) in the afterlife, hindering them from entering heaven. As soon as Evangelist Fumilayo agreed, Medusa handed her a chemical that would become the main ingredient in making artificial hair.
Remember this when next Darling Yaki is being sewn into your hair.
I can’t believe this woman just casually dipped toes into Greek mythology. I feel like I’m in an episode of ‘Supernatural’.
Also, this:
Evangelist Fumilayo ends the books blaming women who seemingly can’t get husbands and women with failed marriages for their misfortune.
How to be free of Medusa’s curse:
Girl, bye.
Click here to read the recap I wrote for Evangelist Fumilayo’s first book.It chronicles her experiences as an intern in hell for 990 years and how football (created by the devil) will bring about humanity’s downfall. Trust me, this is stuff you want to know.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
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In the early hours of Saturday, 28th of March 2020, the residents of Iluabo, Akure were shocked by an explosion that occurred in the area.
The governor of Ondo state, Rotimi Akeredolu confirmed the incident in a tweet. According to him, the details of the incident are being ascertained.
I've been briefed by security agencies in the state concerning the loud blast that was heard in Akure. I will be at the scene to assess on the advise of heads of our security agencies.
I ask that all citizens remain calm as we ascertain details of the incidence.
This is barely two weeks after the Festac explosion. A lot of Twitter users are speculating that it is Batch A rapture for Ondo residents. Some others claim it is an asteroid. Not that we believe them, but really, why is 2020 trying to kill us before our time?
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a woman in her 40s who has been divorced three times. She talks about how not using protection and the lack of safe clinics for abortion in Nigeria affected her Sex Life.
When did you have sex for the first time?
Ah. That was a long time ago. Maybe when I was 16. I can’t remember. I had just finished secondary school and I didn’t know what came next. So I went to stay with my aunty in another state for a while. Then I met this guy in the neighborhood. Every day, after me and the other children finished our chores, we would hang around in the neighborhood. That’s how I started hanging out with him and before I knew it, I was pregnant.
Wow. Did you have sex with him more than once?
A LOT. In a day, maybe 3 times. We were having sex every day except maybe weekends. That one I’m sure of. That guy had a sweet mouth oh. He’d promise to buy me this and buy me that. I think the very first time, he promised to buy me biscuit* if I let him touch my breast. Me too, I asked myself, what’s the big deal? But from breast touching, it led to something else and we had sex for the first time inside one uncompleted building.
Wow. Lol. What did you think about sex before this experience?
Nothing much. I grew up with my father and his own was if you’re having sex, just don’t let him finish inside you. He told me and my brothers this — they weren’t to ‘finish’ inside anybody. That it’s not easy to raise a child. That he won’t have had us if he had sense.. Then I had an aunty that used to call it the forbidden fruit when gisting with her friends. But other than these, nobody was talking to me about sex.
So how did sex become regular between you and this guy?
Once I had sex that first time, walahi, I didn’t know how to stop. It was so sweet, I went to look for him at his house the next day. The only thing was that we had to be careful, so other people didn’t find out. It wasn’t good for a young woman to be seen with men anyhow back then. Everyone would just conclude that they’re having sex.
Did you continue to have sex in uncompleted buildings?
Hahaha. We found other places. One time in the night, it was inside an old car parked on the street. Then another time, we went for one programme and before we knew it, we were having sex at the back of the building, near the toilet. In fact there’s no place we didn’t have sex. Although we had sex in his house and my Aunty’s house a few times, those were once in a while. We didn’t want to get caught by our family.
When did you discover you were pregnant?
After about three weeks, I went back to Lagos and then I did not see my period. I started praying. That this period should better show its face. I had just started a job — I was so tired all the time. Somehow, my father found out and, well, he asked who the father was. I told him I didn’t know.
My brothers were ready to find him and beat him, so I had to protect him. My father asked if I wanted to keep it. I said yes. I didn’t think I had a choice. All the while, me and this guy had already started love. We would write letters to each other. He was going to move to Lagos. And when I told him I was pregnant, he was happy. He wanted to get married.
Did you get married?
Married? At a very young age. No oh. We were both young. He didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a good job. I said no, please. But I asked if he could support me and the baby.
Did he?
For a few months after I had my child. Then he stopped when he heard I was with another man. And truth be told, I was just sleeping with this other man for money.
What was sex like with this other man?
It was okay. But you see, I didn’t like him like that, so I think it affected the sex with him. The only reason I kept doing it was the money. He would give me money to buy something for myself, but I would use it to buy something for my baby. My father and brothers were supportive, but there’s nothing like having your own money as a woman.
Did the guy know you were just sleeping with him for the money?
He knew.
Ah. Seriously?
Yes. It’s not as if I told him but he knew that if money didn’t drop, there was no way I’d come to his house. And I didn’t feel bad. Why should I feel bad for something I will still do for free? Money is the principal thing in this life.
Can’t fault that. So how long did that go on for?
For about two years, off and on. In fact, he even got married at some point, but he would still come to me for sex. Then he even promised he would marry me so that I would be his second wife. I was about 20 or so then, but I still didn’t want to be married. Talkless of being a second wife. So I ended it. The mistake I made was that I still wasn’t using contraception or condoms.
Why weren’t you using contraception?
I didn’t know anything about them to be honest.
What happened next?
I got pregnant again. I found out after we ended it. I was going to abort, but an old classmate had just died from abortion. So I was very scared. And this time, my father said I should go and get married oh. That he doesn’t care if I’m the second or tenth wife.
I’m sure it wasn’t funny then.
It wasn’t. I didn’t want to get married, so my “forbidden fruit” aunty intervened. I started to live with her with my daughter. Because I was living with her, I started to learn more about sex and knew that I could use condoms. She would buy me a lot of condoms sometimes.
Did she tell you about birth control?
No. But I knew about them when I went to a clinic for a checkup. A nurse was talking about it and that’s how I knew. But when I came to get one, they didn’t give me. They said I had to come with my husband. Another clinic said the same thing — they didn’t even allow me to see the doctor. I told them I was not married and the woman, an old woman — I think she was a nurse — said that I should just stop sleeping around.
Wow.
Yes and because I had two children without being married, people said all sorts of things about me. That I was a prostitute, and if they said it when I was passing, I would ask, “and so what?” They said I would never find a man to marry because no man wanted to marry someone with children from different men, and I carried face because who needs men? All they know how to do is sleep, eat and have sex — and they never want to use condom.
People don’t know how to mind their business.
People ehn. Eventually, I met a guy that I really liked, we dated for a long time because I didn’t want to rush to have sex and then get pregnant. But one day, I went to see him in his house and I couldn’t hold it anymore, so we had sex.
How was it?
It was sweet. He knew how to do things that the other men I had been with didn’t. I really enjoyed it. I was really blinded by this, so we ended up getting married. He was my first husband.
First husband?
Hahahaha. Yes. First husband. We didn’t last. I’ve had the misfortune of being with men that are somehow. This one was a drunk. At least that’s better than husband number 2 that was a beater.
Wait. Two husbands.
Actually, three.
I have a lot of questions.
Oya.
Were you legally married to all of them?
Yes. Traditional wedding.
And divorced legally from all of them?
I carried my things and walked away
Haha. Energy. Did you have any children for them?
Two for the first and the second man respectively.
What about the third husband?
Having a baby just never worked out. I was so happy! He was the one that left me — said that my eggs have finished.
Still no birth control or condoms?
All the time I was married, I was begging them to use condoms, but they never agreed to it — that it was necessary for me to have children for them.
Nawa oh.
And that sex was better without condoms. I did not want children at all. I was tired.
In all this time, had your thoughts about sex changed?
Sex? I had even forgotten what sex was. Marrying was just so that I look respectable in society. So that nobody goes around insulting me or my children.
Did it work?
Somehow. But being divorced meant I still received the same insults. They don’t want to know why you left. As long as you don’t have a man around, you’re not a serious woman.
I wasn’t thinking about sex at all. The men I married, like most men, really liked sex. They wanted sex all the time and I would lie down there and let them do their thing. While thinking about other things like where is tomorrow’s food going to come from? When you don’t have plenty money like that, you won’t be thinking about sex as something to enjoy. The men too, they will just do their thing, four or five minutes and they’re done. No kissing, nothing.
How is your sex life nowadays?
It’s hard for a woman my age to meet good men. But I met one man recently and it has been nice. I forgot what sex could feel like. But now I remember. There are things we do that I’ve never tried before, even when I was younger. He really takes his time with me. I feel like a young girl again. Importantly, he knows that he’s supposed to use condoms.
I also have another man that is looking at me. This one has money and he buys me things. If he asks me to marry him, I probably will because I know he will take care of me. And I can take care of my children.
What about the first guy?
He’s nice for the sex but not as a husband or father.
If you had to score your sex life, what sccore will you give it over ten?
Wo, maybe 5. I don’t really know. Sex is nice oh. But it’s not the thing on my mind at all.
What’s on your mind?
Money. Going back to school to make something of myself.
If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?
I would have been more careful with sex and made the men I slept with use condoms. I love my children but maybe I would have had abortions if there were safe clinics.
This interview took place in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.
Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
There’s something to be said about overstretching the limits of your relevance. And from the look of things, these people are starting to reach that point.
1. Zlatan.
In the words of somebody, this Zlatan guy dey use him hand press spoil on top his own career. And it’s true. Recently on Twitter, he has been blabbing and jumping and even insulting people based on poverty reasons.
I prefer girls that still stay under their parents roof than the ones that are independent…. to control those ones Dey hard like bike wey the gear get fault
To make ham for life no go hard you my brother but you see some ppl eh .ordinary N800 chicken republic package dem no go fit afford ham till Dey reach 80 , if dem see N700 hundred Naira ehh the remaining 100 Naira no go show face because of how bitter and DEMENTED they are !!! https://t.co/fyKjDLyDJH
To be honest, I blame all of you that wrote essays on this guy and gave him a depth that he does not even have. Talmabout “Our President,”“Philosophy.” Now that he has been yarning okoto all over Twitter, are you still proud to call him your president? If they say Marlians should come out, will you boldly come out? Lol I don’t think so too.
Have you just joined Twitter? Do you need to become popular and gain followers? Do you need tips on how to become a Twitter influencer? Then you have come to the right place. Read and digest this post, then put it to good use. Watch how your followers will multiply in days.
1. Start by creating a catfish account where you will post nudes.
People are horny, especially guys. And they will not support their fellow guy who is hustling. It’s not their fault, they believe that a guy can’t offer them anything reasonable, #NoHomo. So if you’re a guy, create an account with female details, and put breasts on your profile picture. It doesn’t matter if they are a goat’s breasts or so; many guys can’t tell the difference. They will follow you and retweet your profile. Business don start.
2. Join every follow for follow thread possible.
Turn on my post notifications now!!!
Shoutout for the first 20 to retweet my next post.
Retweet to get 500 followers? You sef retweet am. Retweet to get 1M followers? You sef retweet am. Anything can happen. God of 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes can enter into your matter.
3. INSULT NIGERIAN CELEBRITIES.
I put this in caps so you can realise how important it is if you want to become popular on Twitter. See ehn, my dear reader who wants to be popular on Twitter, insult is the way oh. Insult Buhari, Osibanjo, Mercy Eke, Ini Edo, just keep insulting. Insult your fellow Twitter users too. Don’t worry, it’s called Savage Responses. They will screenshot it and post you on Instagram where new followers will find you.
Tweet that you caught your girlfriend with seventeen dildos. Say that your mother had 47 male children. Say that you tripped on a box of cornflakes and fell. Just lie anything. People will follow liars. You should hit 5k followers already.
5. At 5k followers, do giveaway.
Sinzu money. It doesn’t matter if you don’t give away anything. Who go accuse you? And even if you give away your old bathroom slippers, it’s still a gift.
6. Fight with only popular people.
You want to be popular, shebi? Then attack the popular people. That’s how to be popular on Twitter. Tweet that someone has cotton wool in her brain. Tweet that someone has an okrika sex doll. Just do things that will help you trend. You’re on your way to fame.
7. At 15k followers or more, then you have arrived.
It’s time to come into your real self now. Change your username to Mr./Miss Popular. Charge money to promote products. Your hard labour of popularity is finally paying off; why not use the influence to secure the bag? Go try this and come and thank us later.
Self-isolation can be fun for many reasons. You get to stay at home, relax, get actual work done (if you’re not lazy). But who you self-isolate with also matters. If you are self-isolating with your parents, then it can be a new level of wahala.
1. When morning devotion turns to revival.
Because Coronavirus must be banished into the pits of hell. Amen?
2. Your mother judging you every 5 seconds.
“Have you washed your hands, eh? You dirty pig!”
3. How they analyse news updates.
Your mother: They said we should not eba again oh. Your father: Ah, my dear!
4. And it’s annoying how they don’t believe you’re actually working.
Someone needs to explain to my mum that just because I am at home during work hours does not mean I am not working, she entered my meeting this morning to tell me come and peel yam for her.
If Aunty didn’t pair the love guests after a week, we could have gotten maybe one or all three ships. Coulda woulda shoulda won’t bring things back, but let me live a little.
Therlouis and Slyke would have been fire!!!
Iyke and Sylvia would have been especially hot. #UltimateLoveNG
— Kechi Ehinome(Myopic Concaves) (@kechi__ehi) March 28, 2020
Nkechi and Jerry
These two were so aesthetically pleasing. Whew! Jerry came in some days after the show started, which affected his “game” and limited his resources. Even before he started having a conversation with Nkechi, we already picked their wedding date. For reasons best known to her, she chose Jay and that made her lose some of her fans. Must be stressful being a fine girl, because Nkechi had too many men on her case.
Sylvia and Iyke
These two met at the audition and planned to be a couple if they both made it into the house. Unfortunately, Sylvia also came in late, like Jerry. Sylvia thought it was okay to respect Iyke’s relationship with Theresa, instead of going for her man and giving us drama. Clearly, she learnt nothing from PreshDavid. Iyke was uncomfortable for a minute, but best believe we might have a Sylvia and Iyke ship, if Sylvia decided to pull a Presh on Iykeresa.
Iyke and Sylvia better hook up outside of the house.
— Kechi Ehinome(Myopic Concaves) (@kechi__ehi) March 28, 2020
Louis and Theresa
These two came in together, unlike others. Theresa was interested in both Iyke and Louis, but Louis wasn’t putting in as much effort, and Iyke wasn’t giving her breathing space. Home girl probably pitched her tent with Iyke because she knew her chances of winning is higher with Iyke, seeing how laid-back Louis was in the Love Pad.
Giveaway threads are common on Twitter. They promise everything from money to iPhone. On a Twitter giveaway, anything is possible. But what happens if you post your account number and never win it? This post is for you.
1. You, when you see a giveaway thread.
Time to go make some free dough.
2. But your crush is following you on Twitter so you cannot afford to be shameless.
What will I do like this?
3. You posting your account number like that.
Because who shame help?
4. You patiently waiting for alerts.
It will sha enter my own account today. After posting on six giveaway threads, one has to enter.
5. Your face when you hear that people are receiving alerts.
What about me? What about me oh?
6. And then you realise that you commented on a fake account.
How could I not have noticed?
7. You promising not to enter another giveaway again.
But you know you will. You’re too greedy to let free money go like that.
I think everyone can agree that we weren’t ready for adulting. Since most of adulting problems are tied to money, a glucose guardian might just be the lifeline you need. Well, a good way to start is to find the perfect glucose guardian. This quiz will help with that.
How far? is one question Nigerians ask a lot. It can be a nice question, if you are asking for directions to a place or the distance to somewhere. What I don’t get is Nigerians using it as a form of greeting, because how does on respond? All that is in the past now, sha. Today, the gods have inspired me to share these brilliant responses with you.
1. You could respond Biblically. You know, go a bit spiritual.
After all, we have been told to confess positive things. Besides, what if that person was sent by your village people to see wetin dey happen for your life? Let them know that you are ready to destroy them by fire. Halleluyah?
2. Or you could act like Sia from Mushin.
Give it to them hot hot, Sia mama.
3.And if you are Igbo, go all the way back and borrow a leaf from King Phyno.
And you’ll be right, because God is your father who takes you farther so you can get further and become a father. Chai, see bars! Somebody nominate me for a Grammy already!
Funny Toheeb (@FunnyToheeb) is an Instagram comedian whose main niche is recreating celebrity outfits using the cheapest items possible. This is called cosplay, from the words ‘costume play.’ He has recreated several celebrity outfits and the results are a mix of funny, scary, disgusting and maybe outright annoying, depending on how you look at it. This list shows a few of them.
Rosie and Kachi (Roksie) have emerged winners of the 2020 Ultimate Love reality show and we are so excited! It’s been seven weeks of watching people search for their missing rib. Some probably found it, and the ones that have been putting up a show can finally go home and rest now. Show is over!
The Ultimate Couple
Rosie and Kachi emerged the ultimate couple, and it was really a tough battle between Roksie and Iykeresa’s fans. For the most part of the show, everyone expected Iykeresa to win, but Roksie’s fans didn’t come to play. Iykeresa were so sure they had this win in the bag, they lost their composure for some minutes when Roksie was announced Ultimate Couple. Good thing they are going home with three hundred thousand naira too.
Roksie’s love story.
Unlike Iykeresa who started professing love to each other forty eight hours into the show, Rosie and Kachi had their ups and down and it’s somehow a miracle that they ended up together.
A COMMITMENT
KACHI – "I tie this as a commitment of my love to you and PLEAD, that you spend the rest of eternity with me."
This made us so emotional RT if you're happy for #Roksie.
Kachi and Rosie’s ultimate prize should be each other’s ultimate prize, but I’m not going to act like the money and other gifts aren’t important as well. To start with, they got a five million naira cash gift on the stage. Kachi was made to commit to Rosie, if he stays true to this commitment and make a proposal ninety days from now, they will be getting a house, and a lavish traditional marriage worth ten million naira. Well, he proposed to Rosie and she said yes!
You can see that Rosie and Kachi (Roksie), winners of the 2020 Ultimate Love reality show are not here to play. They are definitely collecting their house and finessing a traditional wedding out of the producers. I have to stan.
It was said that President Muhammadu Buhari will address Nigerians by 7PM on Sunday 29th of March, 2020. For people that missed it, here’s everything that happened.
There’s been a lot of wahala on Twitter lately. Call it boredom if you may, but self-isolation has shown a lot of Nigerians that this country needs a fix. Yes, God is the major fixer, but what about President Buhari whom the masses elected president? Well, Twitter people seem to think he vanished.
No, not abracadabra, but given how presidents of other countries have addressed their own citizens on this Corona pandemic, it’s strange that our dear president did not do the same. When asked why, Femi Adesina, President Buhari’s Special Adviser on Media and Publicity, said it is “a matter of style.”
Channels Tv: Why does the President not brief Nigerians regularly as it is done in other countries?
Femi Adesina: It’s a matter of style. The style that A adopts may not be the one that B adopts…So, everybody is at liberty to adopt a style that suits him.
That was how Nigerians vexed. For a couple of days or so, the #BuhariChallenge trended on Twitter. We can’t tell you everything our eyes saw, but see ehn, there was a drag.
Look at:
Chief of Army Staff, General Sani Abacha earlier today at my Big Aunts Introduction.
And then one morning a certain Mohammad Tawhidi (@ImamOfPeace) came online to open our yansh to the public.
Ah, this tew much! What did we carry what did we throw?
Sha, people started saying they want to see Buhari. After all, we voted him in. Don’t we have the right to see him? Long and short, these happened:
President @MBuhari receives briefing from DG, National Centre for Diseaase control and minister of health today, 28th March, 2020. pic.twitter.com/tvkegP1Fbv
1. No cure has been found yet, so maintain regular hygienic and sanitary practices as well as social distancing.
2. Support the Federal Ministry of Health and the NCDC in their work to curb the spread of the virus.
3. Nigeria is taking a 2-step approach: a) To protect the lives of our fellow Nigerians and residents living here. b) To preserve the livelihoods of workers and business owners to ensure their families get through this very difficult time in dignity and with hope and peace of mind.
4. Lagos and Abuja have the majority of confirmed cases in Nigeria. Therefore, from 11pm on Monday, 30th March 2020, there is to be no movements in Lagos and the FCT for an initial period of 14 days. This restriction will also apply to Ogun State due to its close proximity to Lagos and the high traffic between the two States.
Nigerians looking at Daddy like:
Hilarious tweet reactions following the address:
1. NEPA doing their business.
Buhari dey broadcast live.. Nepa still get mind take light. And dem the Nepa suppose dey work from home so who come switch am off? All of us dey mad here#BuhariAddressNigerians
What’s your biggest fear? Snakes? Death? His biggest fear is not a person or people, it’s a system, a culture.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
What’s your oldest memory of money?
My mummy took me and my brother to this park, which was close to where we lived. After riding one of their motors, I wanted to go again and my mummy said no, let’s go home. When we got out of the place, she opened her purse to pay the okada man, I think I saw three ₦50 notes inside. I was about 10 or so.
Man.
When I think of it, following my parents to their work once in a while influenced my purpose in life. I remember following my mummy to where she sold stuff on the Island. I wished we would never go back home again.
This is a lot. What’s the first thing someone ever paid you for?
Not cash payment, but in 2007 I helped my father retrieve his MTN line all by myself, I set it up with an internet-enabled Nokia 3510 phone and went to a cafe to complete the rest. 24 hours later the thing worked. My father was so proud of me that he gave my mummy money to buy me chinos pants. I was 14 or so at that time. I spent those periods helping people set up proxies that would enable them to browse free on their Nokia and China phones.
How about your first job?
I was working as one of those bakery boys carrying hot bread trays up and down all day. Then I put money together and bought three textbooks: English, Government, Economics. I schemed for the remainder of the year on how I was going to pass JAMB without Maths — I’m super awful at it. This was 2010.
Tell me what led you to the bakery.
I’d just finished failing JAMB in 2010 and I was becoming useless at home. No factory at Apapa would take me because I looked too small, unlike the others. One of my uncles took me to this bakery, and the owner hired me. I earned ₦10k per month.
I travelled out of Lagos for post-UTME in 2011, met some students who seemed to have swag and loved music. One of them was saying he ran a blog and needed someone to write.
I said, “ah ahn, I can write it for you na.”
I’d never written anything serious at that point, but I felt, if they could do it, I could too. Also, the barrier for entry was very low. I remember writing it on a piece of paper, then typing it using a Nokia C1.
From that point, everything I knew how to do came from the fact that I thought ah ahn, if this guy can do it, I can do it too na.
These boys talked about things I didn’t know at the time, but I lapped up everything. From Voltron to Lion King, anything these boys talked about, I’d rush to Google and Wikipedia to go read about them.
Interesting.
The longer I stayed with these guys, the further I moved away from the boys I grew up with. It was also access to these guys that made me realise that I had to do well in my polytechnic so I could get into university like them.
These new set of people I was meeting, they had things I didn’t have; relatives abroad, a university education. Their parents were professors, doctors, pilots and all those shiny professions.
What did your parents do for a living?
My father was a mechanic. My mummy shuffled between selling herbs in Ajegunle and rich people fruits and vegetables in Ikoyi.
Uhm, rich people fruits?
Grapes, aubergine, cauliflower, cabbage, eggplant, avocado, berries, Irish potato, lettuce, soursop, all those things. Every time my mummy gave neighbours, they vomitted some of them.
My siblings couldn’t eat some of those at some point.
Anyway, when I got into uni in 2014, my financial life got better. The market was shaping up for my mummy and from the money she was earning, she was sending me some in the university. Every 2 weeks, my mummy was sending me ₦15k to ₦20k. But I never balled with all that money.
Also, I now had somebody abroad too. And this person, he sent me dollars once or twice in a semester. And some badass polos and quality sneakers too. So, I was in a good place in the university.
I focused on saving things. Even down to food. By the end of the semester when most people didn’t have food again, my food was still there. When I finished uni in 2017, Ambode came and demolished my mummy’s shop. So, finances crashed.
Woah.
They’d rebuild and Ambode will come and scatter it again. Repeat. But this didn’t affect me much and it also didn’t stress my mummy. I kind of had savings to get by on.
They still run the shop now inside someone’s closet there, but people don’t know they’re there, so sales are awful. My mummy right now, she’s taking some of these basic A-B-C classes. When she’s able to read and write, I have plans to get her to run her own business. And it gives me joy that she’s pushing herself and taking those classes.
How was your dad doing?
Bad. He’s been convalescing from a stroke since 2010. It happened early on a Monday morning. Before that day, he was supposed to go to the General Hospital, but everybody was on strike. Three appointments missed because of a strike. Then stroke.
He ended up in a private hospital where my mummy dug into the money she was saving for my university to save her husband.
That stroke collected the Vanagon – he drove a danfo after his day shift as a mechanic. He actually bought it after he sold the Subaru.
He woke up one day and said, “this Subaru that I’m driving, it can’t send these children to school finish o,” so he sold it.
It’s one of the reasons I got health insurance for myself last year, and when I start to earn better money, I’ll get a more comprehensive package.
Man. Tell me about post-Uni.
I finished Uni in 2017, and after NYSC one year later, it took me about 3 months to get a paying job. That’s because I wanted to work in the advertising industry. So I made a list of all the agencies in Lagos – over 50. I selected my top 30 and sent cover letters to them. No one answered. So, I looked elsewhere. I even looked at Ghana.
After three months, I decided to work anywhere else to sustain myself, then I’ll keep searching for advertising opportunities. Mid 2019, I finally got a job at an ad agency – ₦100k a month.
About two months after, my mummy told me the house we were living had been sold.
Ehn?
My grand-uncle owned it, so we didn’t pay rent there. Everybody else living in it too was living rent-free — they were always owing rent.
My father moved to another house, still owned by my uncle. And my mummy looked at me one night and said, you’re never following us to that house. So I gathered money and moved when the new owner of the house showed up to claim his thing.
“You’re never following us to that house.”
Yes. She was going to hustle and get me going, but I was already preparing to leave too. I just didn’t expect that I’d need to make the decision quick-quick like that.
I’m curious about what it was like when you joined your team.
Their first impression was that I was soft, cute boy – they always said it. But things got really uneasy when they start talking about Uber and Taxify like that. I only ever budget for danfo. And when I spend slightly higher than the danfo budget, I try to even things up and I do that very well. I’m good at it.
Also, because I wear confam, they usually don’t even think of me first as the guy from the back-back.
The only thing that usually opens my nyansh is when they start to talk about these fancy restaurants and their French-named cuisines, I usually don’t have the range, so I just keep quiet.
Most times, I feel like people even forget whenever I talk about where I started from. Because before you know it, they’d start talking about how I didn’t suffer.
And when I look at it in pari passu with my university years and some other moments, I feel like they’re right. My mummy didn’t make me suffer, even though I was a ghetto child. I had it better than most people I grew up with.
What’s interesting, people in the ghetto don’t believe I’m like them and I came from there.
On the other hand, when I hangout where those rich boys are and their expensive perfumes fill my nose, I feel a bit comfortable, but I know deep down that my father doesn’t have money and I don’t have a trust fund.
I felt that.
I also hated that my barber in Ajegunle and other people spoke English with me whenever I speak Pidgin or Yoruba.
How do your old neighbours perceive people who ‘made it out’?
Lucky. And they tell people leaving that “they’ll miss the convivial and the bubbly ghetto air”. But I think they say that because they have no idea what it’s like to live better without going to shit outside.
There are certain expectations that come with making it out. You have to lift others out too and in most cases, these others, they don’t want to be lifted out.
This happened to my cousin. He’s carrying everybody in his family, but this everybody, they don’t want to come out. They just want to be able to say we supported him until he got there.
This is an interesting perspective.
See, people never ever leave the ghetto. They’ll always find a way to drag you back. To leave and to never return, you have to swear with the conviction that you’ll never go back there again.
Because if you don’t, one day you’ll miss it and go back to rent a 3-bed apartment or to live in your uncle’s house rent-free and the people will start to feed off you until you become poor again.
Let’s come back to now. How has your income grown since you started at that job?
Definitely not the kind I want. I started from ₦100k in February 2019. Then I took a pay cut for a job in advertising to ₦50k — I needed to do it. However, it was easy for me because I was only spending ₦30k from my last salary. The adjustment wasn’t as scathing. By July, I was back on ₦100k, but I was no longer excited about the money. I still want more.
Do you have older siblings?
No. I am the first – I have three other siblings. One is trying to get into uni. The last one is still in secondary school. The second one is hustling – trying all kinds of things here and there. I don’t know what he’s chasing currently, we’re not so close.
How’s coronavirus affecting you?
It’s costing me unnecessary money. For example, I’ve been spending money on table water since because the water finishes faster now. Whereas before you just drink water at the office and you’re okay, you won’t even have to touch your own bottles at home.
I also have to spend extra money on food now that I can’t eat lunch at the office. But to tone that down, I’ve been doing fruits and Mai Shayi because those ones help my spendings even out.
Coronavirus walks up to a Mai Shayii, how do you think this story ends?
I’ll go home – no face touching and all that – bath with soap. Then I’ll sit inside and hope for the best.
So basically, you can’t afford to leave 100% isolation.
Yes, but I reduce how much I go out. I can’t afford to stock up on all those things that’d make me sit inside for long – no fridge or microwave. Right now, I only go out at night, when foot traffic is really low. And I also try to avoid supermarkets, because that’s where people who are returning usually shop.
Mai Shayi is low risk, he’s less likely to have made close contact with someone that’s just returning from the UK, compared to the cashier or security at a supermarket.
I either die of hunger or catch Coronavirus and be treated for free by the government.
I wish I could stay inside all through, but na condition make crayfish bend.
Just so we’re clear, it’s still risky. But I hear you.
What’s a purchase you made recently that significantly improved the quality of your life?
My house rent – a room with a toilet and no kitchen + the bed. It cost 400k, the rent alone. For the first time ever, I am living and waking up without having to worry whether there’d be water to bath or whether there’d be light. I got a room in a house with an inverter/generator.
I know right now that I have a disposable income problem. And to fix that, I must seek another job elsewhere. However, I’m not willing to jettison my growth in advertising for that money yet.
Still, my first mission is to secure my financial base; I’m putting some money down every time to, first of all, have the capital for proper investment. I’ve made little progress with that.
What’s a financial regret you have?
2014/2017. The fact that I let my money, over ₦70k stay in the hands of FirstBank without getting ₦1 in interest is vexing me. These days I prefer to pay for knowledge because all the times that I paid, I saw the reward.
Let’s rate your financial happiness, on a scale of 1-10
3. I’m always one silly incident from going back. I have managed to build a little cushion, but that cushion, I’ve now transformed it into savings for my abroad masters — which will eventually also become a cushion for me forever. The better the degree the more likely I am to earn more and that also means the more likely I am to be far far far away from where I’m coming from.
Godspeed man.
Thanks, bro.
Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people. But, if you want to get the next story before everyone else, with extra sauce and ‘deleted scenes’, subscribe below. It only takes a minute.
Depending on a number of factors, a lot of people change once they get married. So, to help alert your future partner, we’ve created a quiz that will reveal just what kind of spouse you’ll be — romantic, unfaithful, reliable, detached or supportive.
The coronavirus pandemic has affected the world in many very clear and undeniable ways — ranging from loss of life to the devastating economic impact — but one of the less visible ways it has truly taken a toll is on a lot of people’s mental well-being.
From the fear and anxiety that comes with this much uncertainty to the feeling of loneliness that has been exacerbated by self-isolation and social distancing, we asked seven Nigerians to share how the virus has affected their mental health.
Halima, 29 — My Meds Aren’t Working
My mental health has been in shambles for a while now — I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. At least before the virus, I was seeing some improvement because of my meds. I was actually hoping to go off the drugs by the end of this year, but it looks like that won’t be happening.
My drugs don’t even seem to be working because I am always anxious. I struggle to get out of bed and carry out my daily tasks. I try to dance to one song at least once a day and I’ve stopped working out. If I’m going to die, I might as well go out with a fat booty and food in my belly.
Sarah, 32 — I Attended The AMVCA
I attended AMVCA, so I’ve been anxious for a while now. I was at work when the news that we could have been infected officially broke. I had to keep working even though my chest had sunk to the bottom of my stomach. I’m pre-diabetic, so I started panicking about my chances.
It also did not help that 7 days after the event, I had a fever, sore throat and dry cough. I called NCDC’s Lagos team and they promised to come to take my sample the next day, but they didn’t. I got a call, instead, asking for my symptoms. They said it was mild and told me to self-isolate.
Self-isolation itself has been easy since I like staying at home. My anxiety has also mostly disappeared. It started with the rumours, got worse with my symptoms and peaked with the announcement. Right now, all that really keeps me up is whether I’ll still have a job when all of this is over.
Tolu, 25 — I’m Scared I Will End Myself
I’ve been struggling with depression for the past couple of years, as well as recurring suicidal thoughts. I’ve also attempted to take my own life in the past. This experience has definitely worsened it because I have no way to escape my own head.
I feel trapped and sometimes I can’t breathe — I call it existential claustrophobia. Too much screen time makes my head hurt, and I’m stuck isolating with my parents, who are prayer warriors. I’m afraid that if this doesn’t end soon, I will end myself.
Jimi, 30 — My Anxiety Is Back
I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life — I used to be a chronic nail-biter and I’d always sweat profusely. It finally reduced when I told my family I was gay and dropped my unhealthy dependency on drugs. Since this pandemic started, my anxiety has been back up.
I had the stomach flu the other day. It turned into diarrhoea and a slight pain in my upper stomach — not even my chest — and I was fully panicking. I started thinking about my life and cried for almost 30 minutes. This whole experience has really put a lot of things into perspective for me.
Ada, 23 — I Had My First-Ever Panic Attack
I had my first-ever panic attack last week. I was on the HouseParty app with my friends when I started struggling to breathe. I walked to my balcony to get air, but I still couldn’t draw in enough. My heart started racing, and I was certain that I was going to die.
Luckily, my friend helped calm me down. The next day, I learned what it was. I’m meant to go for my MBA in September, and I’m worried it won’t happen. I’m also very lonely because my family is far away. So, I’ve just been worrying a lot more, and I think that’s what caused the attack.
Deola, 31 — I’m The Calmest I’ve Been In Years
In the past, I’ve suffered from anxiety. I tend to call it high-functioning anxiety because it was never crippling to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed. My symptoms were an inability to sleep or shut my mind off, worrying that bad things would happen, memory loss and constant fatigue.
I saw a therapist a few years ago and was diagnosed with anxiety and moderate depression. I was told to make lifestyle changes, and I have been working on that for a few years. It’s not been easy, but I see progress. I’m now able to tell when a funk is coming and work on it before it escalates.
Surprisingly, while I am concerned about the virus, I am the calmest I’ve been in years. I’m a germaphobe, so I can finally let my freak flag fly. I’ve also been working remotely since January, so I’m used to that too. This pandemic has taught me I can’t control everything, and I’m ok with that.
Folake, 27 — My Brain Went Into Overdrive
I’ve always struggled with bouts of anxiety and depression. So, with each new update about the virus, my anxiety kept rising and I couldn’t function at work. I also just moved to a new place where I don’t know anyone, so this made me feel even lonelier. I was sure I’d get it and die alone in my house.
My brain was in overdrive. I was scared of how a full lockdown would breed criminals, and I’d definitely be robbed, raped or killed. Thankfully, I called a friend and he basically calmed me down. Then I started contacting more friends, and the more relaxed everyone seemed, the calmer I got.
If you listened to the President’s speech yesterday, then you already know that Lagos, Ogun, and Abuja are going to be on lockdown so as to curb the spread of Miss Rona.
This means an economic shutdown for a period of two weeks. Sometimes in life, you are looking for one public holiday, then you get 14 days free. Wouldn’t you just look at that?
While many people have created a list of all the things they plan to do with the 2weeks #productivity #2020mustobey. We are here to remove the carpet under your legs to prevent your holiday from ending in tears.
Let’s begin:
1) Finally read all those self-development books in your library = Press phone.
2) Catch up on series= Press phone and sleep.
3) Finish that online course = Text your ex.
4) Start your own business = Miss your office husband/wife.
5) Bond with your housemate = Press phone and ignore each other.
6) Start to exercise = Finish lockdown food in two days.
7) Stick to normal routines to avoid lethargy = Not having a bath in two days.
8) Stay off social media = Participate in all social media challenges.
You should note that at the end of the day, regardless of what this list says, you have control over how you spend your lockdown. Try to set realistic expectations and most importantly, don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t hit all of them.
This is the perfect time to take a break from the 1-0-1 life you’re used to living at school and take a crack at the bougie lifestyle. The best part about this is that you won’t even have to worry about finding food — you will be served on a silver platter. So, why don’t you milk everything you can out of this opportunity?
Disturb your class WhatsApp group
Look, everyone is bored. No one has the will to fight someone because they are “disturbing the group”. Send loads of messages and memes and keep the conversation flowing. However, in whatever you do, don’t be boring.
Catch up with people you’ve not touched base with
The one excuse you liked to give when school was open was that there was no time to check up on people and whatnot. But now, you have all the time to do this. Don’t throw it away. True, you can’t make plans for lunch or any physical hangout — but messages and calls will do.
Stay busy and productive (if you can help it)
Let me guess; when you were leaving school, you packed a shitload of study materials, determined to study as much as you can. How’s that going now? See, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to study. In fact, you can ditch your school books for now and try something new. Decide what that is and give it your best try. It would be nice if you can study too, but the most important thing is staying productive and that’s what you should optimise for.
Take a break from everything
There is a chance that you will be overwhelmed with news about this Coronavirus thing going on. It’s perfectly normal. But your mental health is also important, so do yourself a solid and take time off social media. Sleep, read a book, binge-watch a series. Do anything that will transport this thing we’re fighting to the back of your mind.
Stay safe and have a good break. It will soon be over.
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