To the dismay of my rapidly expanding waistline, I’m the biggest bread fan. I consume it almost daily, in all of its many glorious forms, from sliced to Agege. One of the most important things to ensure the optimal enjoyment of bread is carefully selecting the accompaniment to go with it. There are several options, and I’ve ranked them from worst to best.
Bread & sardine
My beef isn’t with the pairing but with sardine itself. Sardines seem like the type of food one should only consume as a necessity. Like if there is a gun to your head, or a zombie apocalypse had happened. Or you know, you are in a worldwide lockdown because of a global pandemic. But only then. Just so it’s clear my barely concealed distaste for this pairing extends to the travesty that is sardine bread.
Bread & corned beef
For me, corned beef belongs at the bottom of the same bin you’d find sardine in. There is no situation you find yourself in that makes eating bread and corned beef ok. That includes boarding school and NYSC camp. Corned beef stew isn’t a better alternative either.
Bread & tea
Say what you want about people who like to dunk chunks of bread in tea, but it can be oddly comforting in certain circumstances. Like on a very rainy day or when you’ve just gone through a breakup and your salty tears keep rolling into your tea, giving it an extra oomph.
Bread & fried egg
Bread and fried eggs aren’t the worst pairings, in fact, it’s standard. But it isn’t the best pairing either and life is too short for you to not indulge in the best. Plus, if you are going to consume all those carbs, you might as well make it worth it.
Bread & beans
When I say beans, I’m not talking about your regular sad pot of beans, I’m talking about the only form in which boiled beans should exist – Ewa Agoyin. If you live in Lagos and are trying to find the best Agoyin spot, I’ve got you. Quick enjoyment tip, make a hole in your bread, spoon in your Ewa Agoyin and top it up with some pieces of overripe plantain. You’ll thank me later.
Bread & akara
Bread and Akara you make yourself is alright. But for some reason, it just tastes better when you buy the Akara from a street hawker and collect it in an old newspaper that the oil from the Akara will soak through. Forget Bread and Akara, that’ s the best kind of Akara, period.
Bread & stew
Eating bread and fish stew for breakfast is one of my fondest boarding school memories. I always thought it was one of the more elite breakfast options. Imagine my surprise when I found out it bangs even more when the stew isn’t 80% water and there are actual fish chunks in it, not just a faint hint of fish.
Bread & Suya
Bread and Suya is an elite combination, and here’s the perfect way to enjoy it. First, the bread has to be Agege bread, sliced bread could do if you are in a pinch. The Suya has to be hot and fresh if you don’t know where to get that, try these spots. To wrap it up, put your Suya in and toast it in a pan until the edges are crisp.
Bread & egg sauce
When it comes down to it, nothing goes more perfectly with bread than eggs. But if you are shooting for true perfection, you can’t settle for just any style of eggs, it has to be spicy egg sauce. The type that will go perfectly with anything from yam to rice if you dare.
In 2002, Jack Ma stood before a group of young entrepreneurs and investors and told them that the future of the world is digital. They thought he had lost his mind as the .com bubble had just burst and many across the globe were seeking refuge from the internet and everything related to it.
As young Jack looked his skeptical audience in the face, he was faced with two choices – accept what they had said and take his 3-year old business offline or stand his ground and his belief in the future of the internet. Mr. Ma chose the latter, thereby placing a huge bet on the future of the internet and his business, Alibaba.
His friends who stood with him in that room bet against the internet and retreated to the safety of the offline world, a decision that proved to be a huge mistake in retrospect.
As of this writing, Alibaba Group of Companies is worth $480 Billion (USD) and Jack Ma is worth $47.6 Billion (USD) all from his ability to correctly see the future of the internet and online businesses.
Another defining moment is before us and this time, the world is looking to Africa. Numerous financial experts have called Africa the New Frontier and have said that Africa is very capable of becoming a hugely successful region if we adequately utilize what we have.
What we currently have are the active minds of our youths who are seeking answers to questions placed by their parents. What we have is a population of over 200 million young people. What we have is over 200 million able-bodied young people who are eager to make a change in their lives and continent. What we have is more than enough to make the change Africa needs.
This change will only happen when these young people are aware of the importance of digital entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship is well embraced here, but more digital entrepreneurs to make the change we desire. The digital world and the opportunities they bring is to every entrepreneur what the hammer is to Thor – power, ability, success.
Someone once said that the best time to plant a tree was 100 years ago, the second best time is now. Allow me rephrase that: “the best time to go into digital entrepreneurship was 30 years ago, the second best time is now.”
With a passion to digitally empower young people across Africa with the skills and knowledge they need to succeed, Global Wissen Consult was born. We researched and found the African youths have embraced entrepreneurship much more than their parents did, but many of these businesses are lacking the advantage of the digital world. This means that many of them are delving into entrepreneurship, but a far smaller number of them are enabling their businesses with the digital world and tools, hence crippling their businesses with the limitations of the offline
world. Take Covid-19 as an example, the businesses that thrive during this pandemic are the businesses that leverage on the internet.
In a response to enabling digital entrepreneurs across Africa, Global Wissen Consult has launched a Digital Entrepreneurship Program for young people in Africa. This program is self-paced and it is for aspiring entrepreneurs as well as already existing entrepreneurs who seek to grow their businesses, increase their customer base, learn how a digital business works, and in turn, boost their revenue and cash flow.
We teamed up with successful digital entrepreneurs from across Africa to make this program comprehensive enough so that everyone who takes this program will benefit from it. Some of the digital entrepreneurs you would find in this program are: Joke Silva, Steve Harris, Kehinde Balogun, Blessing Abeng, Uwem Uwemakpan, Nancy Nnadi etc.
The DE Program is broken into 3 chapters made up of 26 modules. In this program, we cover topics like:
· To create a compelling brand story
· Find your competitive advantage
· How to maximize your sales and profit
· To influence your customers
· To perform digital market research
· Create a digital business plan and digital elevator pitch
· Create a successful digital marketing promotion.
· The necessary skills for a digital business
· Some profitable digital business ideas
· How to position your market offering
And so much more…
Allow me paint an illustration on the necessity of digital entrepreneurship. This illustration isn’t far fetched, but something that happened these past weeks as the impact of Covid-19:
Solake and Yemisi are make-up artists based in Lagos. Prior to Covid-19, Solake made a lot of money offering her services to to-be-brides in Lagos, while Yemisi made just a fraction of Solake’s weekly revenue, but Yemisis has leveraged on the internet to open her skill to a wider
range of customers. Solake never bothered with the internet and she would often say: “My customers know where to find me, They know my studio address.”
Covid-19 hit and globally, businesses were paralyzed, but Yemisi had an edge because she had capitalized on the digital space. She seamlessly moved her services completely online and began to host online classes for budding make-up artists.
Solake on the other hand was badly squeezed by the pandemic as brides-to-be didn’t have any use for her services. Soon, no one came to her studio and she had no income. Subsequently, her business closed down, but Yemisi’s business strengthened.
This is one of the effects of the pandemic to businesses around the world, and only the well-positioned businesses thrived. This is what Africa needs now – digitally-enabled businesses that would thrive in spite of the circumstances.
The time is now and the cause is urgent. What will Africa give to the world?
The person that said “awoof dey turn belle” knew exactly what he was talking about. And to prove it here are 5 ways awoof will cost you more money than you bargained for.
1. Free wifi.
Whether in public places or if you are stealing from your neighbour, connecting to free wifi leaves you vulnerable to cyber-attacks. You are putting yourself at a risk of being hacked, and have your information intercepted. Information like login details and password. So basically while you are tapping into someone’s wifi for free data, someone else could be tapping into your bank account for free money. See why you need to buy and use your own data?
2. Dropping your account number on social media comment sections for giveaways.
You may win the giveaway but you would have also exposed your account details to random people. These people could use it for whatever they want like collecting money for internet scams which could make the bank start monitoring your account. So even if you got free 5k, you’ll still add free wahala to the list.
3. Or “miracle” alerts.
A.k.a Money entering your account from “nowhere”. First of all, money never comes from nowhere. I know that for a fact because I have been willing it to happen to me and it never did, not even once. So when you get an alert for money you were not expecting whose origin you know nothing of, what you should do is report it to the bank, not give a testimony about it at church. The money obviously came from somewhere, and if you don’t give it back, you would have stolen it and thus be treated like a thief.
4. Pyramid schemes
A.k.a Get rich quick schemes. A quick flashback to MMM and LOOM. Both pyramid schemes made Nigerians a lot of money at first but that also eventually crashed while holding on to a lot of their money.
5. Buying cheap variations of stuff.
Which will most likely end in a “What I ordered vs What I received” scenario. Spend your money on the real thing or leave your money in your pocket fam.
Yesterday, the business and marketing section of Twitter decided to do a ‘Night Market’ thing where goods were offered at discounted prices. There were a lot of items on sale: from wig to bed sheet to spaghetti and two meat to perfume. And it was quite lovely.
As they prepare for the next night market, we have some items we would like to see on sale.
A picture of us at the next night market.
1. Romantic partner.
Honestly, the body needs what it needs and what is the point of a night market if you cannot go single and return with a man in your handbag. See ehn, men are stressful, but a man bought from the night market is less likely to stress you. He misbehaves, you tell him: “If you don’t stop that rubbish, I’ll return you to the night market!” Wouldn’t that be absolutely adorable? Sha take this quiz so you know the kind of romantic partner to buy: QUIZ: What Kind Of Partner Are You Drawn To?
2. Canadian passport.
It is only if you are lying to yourself that you will say this Nigeria is your father or motherland. Better snap out of it. Canada is your true place of origin. A mix up occurred in heaven, that’s why you ended up in Nigeria with the name Kamali Arogundade. But if our market people start selling Canadian passports, you can rectify this mix up. Here is one japa story that will inspire you: So You Want To Move To Canada: The Toronto Japa Abroad Life.
3. A plot of land in Lagos.
Lagos is kuku bound to go underwater anyway. Why not sell a plot of land for N28,000? Installmental payment too, and if you don’t agree, keep your land and we will keep our money.
Sallah is coming. We can buy the ram and keep. Just sell it for 5k and we have a deal. Don’t worry, we will cut grass to feed it.
6. BDSM equipment.
Shebi it’s night market? We will cover eyes and come. Buying online makes us shy. You know, we sometimes feel like the online bot will judge us for liking to be choked and flogged like we stole money.
Oh no. We are not buying 2020. We would actually love to sell 2020 at night market and buy 2021. Abeg, the coordinators of night market should do the needful.
A nice person did research for me and realized that hashtags can work if it revolves around organic conversations just like the night market movement.
‘My Name Is A-Zed’ is a written series on the popular online platform, The Naked Convos (TNC). It tells the story of a university student named Azeez who, in an attempt to make enough money to take care of his mother, begins moonlighting as a cab driver in Lagos and gets caught up in the dangerous world of Lagos nightlife.
After reading the series, here are 5 things we love about ‘My Name Is A-Zed‘.
1) The Protagonist:
Azeez (later nicknamed A-Zed) is super easy to root for. He’s a broke university student hustling and trying to make money so he can pay the hospital bills for his sick mother. Those are struggles almost everyone can relate to.
2) The details:
The show is set in Lagos and doesn’t just leave information about things like locations up to the imagination of the readers/listeners. In the first episode, Azeez drives all the way from Yaba to Badore, Ajah and the level of details given about the journey is almost Tolkien-esque.
3) The peek into politics:
Azeez gets caught up in the world of shady politicians and through his eyes, we get a glimpse at the inside workings of politics at the local government level, which is something many people aren’t familiar with.
4) All the twists and turns:
Plot twists are usually stressful to observe unfold because a lot of the time, they’re not done right. But the writers of ‘My Name is A-Zed’ nail it just right. Every revelation made will make you go “No way!” as opposed to “Wow. This is garbage.”
5) It’s being adapted into a web series!
Given the success the series has had in every format it has existed in (written web series and fiction podcast), the news of it being adapted for the small screen came as no surprise. We know that a lot of book to TV adaptations don’t get it right. But we’ve seen the first episode of ‘My Name is -Zed’ and believe us when we say that the show does justice to its source material.
The first episode of the show was released yesterday (25th of June 2020). Check out the trailer and the first episode below:
In May, Cynthia Morgan appeared on an Instagram live session with Sandra Ogebor (@MsVanila7) where she discussed her comeback to music, what led to a change of name, and her battle with depression.
Today, there’s something new.
This was the letter she wrote in May after a GoFundMe was created and people clamoured for her to return to music.
Why this letter? Well, Cynthia Morgan said that Jude Okoye seized her accounts, made her stop using her name and did not promote her. She also claimed that she does not own rights to the music she produced while she was signed with Northside Inc, which made her lose everything.
But then Jude Okoye released a copy of the contract and disproved everything she said.
Today, Cynthia Morgan took to her Instagram to call out Jude Okoye and a few others.
Reactions have since followed these posts:
Cynthia Morgan shouldn't turn out another Blackface tbh. Forget what has happened and move forward. You have the support of people on and offline. Drop new songs and rebuild.
Cynthia Morgan coming for Jude Okoye, Paul Okoye and Joy Tongo via her IG Stories. – Only God knows what she is going through, for her to come at them like this. pic.twitter.com/2NWMn9EMBe
Dubai Police has arrested “international online scammer” Hushpuppi and 12 others to answer for multiple fraud charges.
In a four-minute video released by Dubai Media Office on Twitter on Thursday, June 25, 2020, the police revealed full details of the operation that brought down the gang.
— Dubai Media Office (@DXBMediaOffice) June 25, 2020
Earlier this year, Dubai Police launched an investigation, called “Operation Fox Hunt 2” into Hushpuppi and members of his gang. After four months of scrutiny, which included hours of monitoring the gang’s social media accounts, the team had everything they needed to bring the gang in. More importantly, they had their locations.
Apparently, the police didn’t buy Hushpuppi’s story as a “successful businessman”. For months and unbeknownst to Hushpuppi, the police were tracking his every move and taking note of his social media activities. Eventually, 6 raids were conducted simultaneously and the gang was rounded up in their Dubai residences.
According to the police, Hushpuppi and his team defrauded unsuspecting victims by creating fake pages of websites and redirecting payments to their own accounts. Also, they were known to hack corporate emails and divert financial transactions to their accounts, robbing victims of their money in the process.
Let’s Talk Numbers
1. During Hushpuppi’s reign of terror, he and his team amassed about 1.6 billion dirhams (about N169 billion .)
2. Hushpuppi and his crew successfully defrauded one million, nine hundred and twenty-six thousand, four hundred (1,926, 400) victims.
3. Hushpuppi and his team allegedly bought 13 luxury cars worth 25 million dirhams (N2. 640 billion) from the proceeds of their fraudulent activities.
4. During the operation that led to their arrest, the police recovered items worth more than 150 million dirhams ( N15.845 billion), which included 21 personal computers, 5 hard drives, 47 smartphones, and 15 flash drives.
In related news, Nigeria and the US are fighting for the custody of Hushpuppi following his arrest.
We’ll be sure to update you as more information comes to light.
“At least half of Lagos was born in Ayinke House” is a very common statement to hear from time to time.
A worrying number of Lagosians seem to share this sentiment, so, the Zikoko team decided to get to the bottom of this. We spoke to Ayinke House in a bid to better understand this trend and why this sentiment is prevalent.
Zikoko: Well, hello there. Glad to have you.
Ayinke House: We bless the Lord, my child. It feels good to be here. Do you remember me from when you were born?
Zikoko:
Ayinke House: It’s fine my child, let’s start the interview.
What would you say is your biggest pet peeve?
It’s disrespect. I know we’re all woke these days, but I can’t take the disrespect from the kids. I was literally there when they were born and they keep calling me by first name. Me, Ayinkus baby? Ayinny baby? Me, Omo ologo of Lagos.
It’s sad.
I’m sorry. How would you like to be addressed?
Either call me Supreme maternity Yinkus or General Ayinkus. Anything in between is an insult because I’m not your mate.
Okay, General Ayinkus.
That’s right.
What has been your biggest challenge, General Ayinkus?
It’s amnesia. Nigerians forget too quickly and they no longer remember their heroes. Look at the government that recently cut the health care budget. How do they expect me to survive? I’ve health workers who depend on me. Is it fair?
It’s not.
It’s not oh my child. But in vibes we trust.
Is there anything that at least gives you hope?
It’s two-faced for me: On one hand, I’m happy that some of the kids I helped give birth to are escaping to Canada the way cockroaches escape when you turn on the kitchen light. But, on the other hand it also makes me sad.
In the 90’s, it used to be a thing of pride to be born here. However, these days na condition. Even the children born here don’t look happy to be here. It’s like they can sense the despair in the air.
I’m sorry. How does this make you feel?
Stuck. For obvious reasons, I can’t just get up and leave. So, I’m stuck between looking back at the past I’m coming from and towards the future that could have been.
Damn. That’s heavy.
Mabinu.
Before we go, is there anything you want to tell Nigerians?
Yes. For people who are conservative about sex, una too dey born pikin. Either warn yourselves or accept sex with your chest so there can be proper awareness. What kind of Nigerian politician behaviour are you people exhibiting?
A lot of Nigerians are disobedient. For real. And their fellow Nigerians (who are also disobedient) have found alternative ways to keep them in check. Alternative ways being curses that involve them and their innocent generation. This is Nigeria, darlings. You fight fire with fire.
1. No time to waste.
It’s like bend down select. Bend down to dump your refuse and select generational curses while you’re at it.
2. This one with bonus beating.
First, they collect your money. And then they beat you on top of it. Just because you came to drop bread nylon and toilet roll paper. This life no just balance.
3. Yoruba curses are so potent. We’ll translate it for you:
Throw refuse here and perish. Literally.
4. This one isn’t exactly a warning, but I have questions:
Question number 1: If a potential wife finds it, how is she supposed to reach him, since the number is not clear?
5. Akiyesi Pataki. In other words, “IMPORTANT NOTICE.”
This is more hilarious because it is written in first person. As you read it, you are personalising it. The worst part? There’s an “Amen” at the end of it. In other words, a confession and a big amen to seal it. No time.
6. See ehn, Nigerians are chief at this thing.
Funny thing is that someone will still see this and urinate there. No be Nigerians?
7. They even made a signpost for it.
It’s sign that they mean business LMAO. Y’all better start being obedient.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I decided to shake things up by recapping a movie instead. For the first movie in the series, I picked the infamous Polish erotic romantic drama film, ‘365 Days’.
This movie was actually released back in February 2020 but didn’t pick up steam until it hit Netflix in June, 4 months later. Then no one allowed me to hear word on the internet because of it. Everywhere I turned, there were people fantasizing about being kidnapped while on vacation by an Italian hunk named Massimo. I was going to ignore it but then I heard that the movie is complete garbage, and my interest was piqued.
The movie starts with a conversation between the leader of an Italian Mafia family and a group of guys looking to sell teenage girls into sex slavery. The Mafia leader is initially reluctant to get into the child trafficking business but it takes the traffickers all of 30 seconds to convince him to do it.
Mafia leader’s son, Massimo, is spying on a woman on the beach. Mafia Leader tells his son to stop being a harlot and focus because the business will be his one day. Then they both get shot by someone (some people?) and Mafia leader dies.
5 years pass and we’re introduced to the female protagonist named Laura. Laura comes home after a hard day at work and attempts to bump genitals with her boyfriend, Martin, (who looks like a discount Michael Chiklis) but he rebuffs her advances, citing her weak heart as his reason. She goes to her bedroom and masturbates. At the same time, Massimo is receiving the most dramatic blow job I have ever seen from an air hostess on his private jet. Both scenes are shown to us at the same time.
The reason for this sequence is still unknown.
To celebrate her birthday, Laura goes on vacation to Italy with her asshole boyfriend, Martin, and her friend, Olga. At some point, she runs into Massimo, who asks her if she’s lost and then vanishes. Laura’s asshole boyfriend ignores her and hangs out with his buddies the whole time because he’s an asshole so she confronts him, storms off by herself, and is promptly kidnapped.
She wakes up in a fancy house and comes across a giant painting of her…
…after which Massimo appears in the room and repeats what he said to her the first time they met.
She recognizes him and faints. She wakes up later to find him shoving a block of ice in her mouth to suck on because her heart condition made her body react negatively to the sedative used during the kidnapping.
Whatever, I guess.
He proceeds to tell her how he decided to kidnap her after seeing her at the airport when she landed in Italy. He reveals she’s the woman he was checking out on the beach right before he and his father got shot 5 years prior, and he wants her to be his, giving her 365 days to fall in love with him. He tells her that he won’t touch her without her permission and THEN PROCEEDS TO GRAB HER BOOB in a moment of passion and chokes her whenever she talks back to him. Laura tries to escape while screaming about how she has a boyfriend and Massimo informs her that he’s sent her boyfriend a staged breakup note from her. When she’s like “WTF?!”, he shows her proof of her boyfriend’s infidelity (super clear photos of him sleeping with another woman) and threatens to murder her entire family if she tries to escape again.
All this made me ask:
After this, we’re treated to a montage of Massimo taking Laura shopping. This goes on for like 5 minutes and it’s set to a song obviously performed by Michele Morrone, the actor that plays Massimo.
A lot of nothing happens for a while. She gets the bright idea to start seducing him any chance she gets.
And with anything she gets.
She does this until he snaps and forces her to watch another woman give him head.
This turns her on so much that she seems ready to put out right there and then. But he just tells her to get dressed and get out. They go to a club where Massimo is meeting with a few colleagues to discuss Mafia business stuff but he gets pissed because Laura is wearing a super-revealing dress, which is insane because he’s the one that insisted she come. In an attempt to piss Massimo off even more (a thing she clearly enjoys doing at this point), she flirts and dirty dances with a random guy in the club who turns out to be a member of a rival Mafia family. The guy tries to force himself on Laura and this makes Massimo whip out two guns from his extremely spacious crotch and threaten to shoot up the place. Laura wakes up on a yacht and overhears Mario, Massimi’s adviser, telling him that something wicked this way comes because he shot a guy. She apologizes for what she did and asks if the guy Massimo shot was the guy who groped her the previous night. He says ‘yes’ and she’s horrified but he doesn’t notice because he’s too busy blaming her for shooting the guy’s hands off, RoboCop style.
They get into a huge fight during which Massimo accidentally (and hilariously) knocks her into the water. He jumps in and rescues her. While all this is happening, Massimo’s adviser, who he was having a conversation with before Laura interrupted, just stands there looking like:
Mario didn’t give a shit. LMAO
When she wakes up, she is shocked to hear that Massimo saved her. Massimo thanks God he was nearby to save her before she drowned, even though HE WAS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED HER OFF THE YACHT. Touched by his “act of kindness,” she offers to eat his penis…
…after which they proceed to have sex ALL OVER the yacht.
I chose this screenshot because I know y’all can’t see shit in it.
After bumping genitals, Massimo says he’s taking Laura to a ball and she freaks out because she has nothing to wear. Massimo solves this problem by summoning two fashion gays to dress her.
You know they’re gay because of the flowery/leopard print suits, limp wrists, and insane amounts of eyeliner.
At the ball, they run into a woman named Anna. It’s revealed that Anna was one of Massimo’s booty calls during the years he spent searching for Laura. After trying and failing to get him to date her officially, she swore to kill the person responsible for his inability to reciprocate her feelings. Laura leaves and Massimo chases after to apologize. He promises to never let anyone hurt her and then they have sex in the PUBLIC BATHROOM.
Did somebody say DISGUSTING?!
As soon as they’re done, he tells her that she has to go visit her family in Poland. She starts to protest but remembers that she has no say whatsoever in this disgusting ass relationship and keeps quiet. He proclaims his love for her and promises to join her in Poland soon, leaving her sitting on the sink of a public bathroom.
In this shot, she’s probably wondering why her life is suddenly a discount ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’
Laura returns to Poland and weeks pass. She reunites with her friend, Olga and explains everything. Olga tells her to stay away from Massimo but Laura says ‘no’ so Olga gives up and suggests they both go to a spa and a night club. Laura runs into her ex-boyfriend, Martin, at the club. Martin follows her home, begging her to take him back. She finds Massimo in her apartment and slaps him for abandoning her for so long. They proceed to have sex in front of a giant open window.
He proposes to her and she accepts on the condition that he doesn’t tell her parents what he does for a living. Laura reveals to Olga that she’s pregnant and Olga tells her not to inform Massimo. Mario (Massimo’s adviser) gets a tip that the rival family (whose member Massimo killed for groping Laura) plans to kill Laura. At that moment, the car Laura is in is shown entering a tunnel but doesn’t come out of the other side. Police cars show up. Massimo finds out what happened from Mario and screams to the sky, even though Laura can’t be dead because the source material for this garbage is a trilogy of books.
But whatever, I guess.
The End
After watching ‘365 Days’, I have to agree with the people who described it as ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on steroids. Everything about this movie (acting, writing, plot etc) is fucking terrible. It legit took me a week to get through it. That’s how bad it is. If you haven’t seen this movie already, SAVE YOURSELF!!!
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
See ehn, there are certain meals that look so simple. In all honesty, they are actually simple too, but it looks like they just don’t seem to agree with you and you can’t figure out why. We made a list of some of them.
1. Pap
Pap is supposed to be the simplest thing ever. Just mix the paste and put hot water, right? Why is it now that it doesn’t rise until we have to put it on fire and cook it? Why?
2. Custard
There is nothing anybody can tell us: custard is working hand in hand with our enemies to shame us. But we serve a living God and all agenda will crash. Custard, you will bow!
3. Oats
Have you ever stayed away from a food, not because it’s bad or you hate it, but because you cannot cook it? Yep, oats is that meal for us.
4. Ogbono
This one no dey ever rise for pot. Again, maybe we are just the ones who are bad at this cooking game. Because really, what is this embarrassment?
5. Pancakes
We know we are the only ones who have issues with pancakes. But you people won’t talk because you don’t want people to know, right? It is well.
6. Semo
This stage is where the wahala starts, really. Just add a little more powder and it’s koko waves from that moment on. What’s worse? It always spoils the next day.
7. Amala
To think that some people have an entire business dedicated to the cooking and selling of this swallow is a wonder. Amala that always turns to smelly cocoa powder in our hands. Hmm. This life no just balance at all.
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 22-year-old trans woman who only began transitioning 5 months ago. She talks about how hormone therapy has affected her sex life and why she needed to join OnlyFans.
What was your first sexual experience?
My first-ever experience was anal sex. I think I was 15 and he was 29. We’d been talking for a while and we finally decided to meet up. I remember it being very, very painful. I bled all through and it continued for days after. It eventually stopped on its own.
Damn. Everything about that sounds awful.
It’s fine. It’s all in the past; it’s actually something I really wanted at the time.
Okay. So, when did you realise you were trans?
I’ve always been very feminine. Growing up, a lot of people mistook me for a girl. That’s not why I believed I was a woman though. It’s just something I’ve always known. I knew I couldn’t be me until I was finally in the right body.
Does that mean you’ve taken medical steps to transition?
For me, transitioning is about becoming my most authentic self, not changing into someone I’m not. I was never a man. I was just a beautiful woman trapped in the wrong body. To fix that, I’ve had to alter myself with medication.
So, yeah, I’m currently undergoing hormone therapy. I started in January this year.
How hard has that been in Nigeria?
It’s been hard, but not as hard as you’d imagine. The drugs I use were made to provide estrogen for women with hormonal imbalances. So, whenever I go to the pharmacy to buy them, no one questions me. They just assume I’m getting it for someone else.
The real hard part is getting the money to consistently buy the drugs.
So you’re self-medicating?
I have to. I don’t think there are any doctors in Nigeria that can or will help someone like me. I’ve had to do a lot of research on my own to figure out the drugs I can take to get what I want. I’m still doing research.
How’s your family been throughout all of this?
Well, my family has always known that I like boys, and that’s one thing, but expecting Nigerian parents to be cool with their child transitioning feels like asking for too much. When my mum and older relatives found out, they were very upset.
Oddly enough, some of my younger relatives have been quite accepting. Even though my entire body is visibly changing, they still see me as me. That’s something a lot of the people in my life have not been able to do.
What are some of these changes?
For the first month, my skin felt very soft; almost like you could pull it off my bone. Then I got used to that. By the second month, my breast tissues started developing, I noticed fat moving to my face and I began losing muscle.
Then all my body hair started thinning out. The hair on my head is also a lot softer and fuller. I still grow facial hair, but it’s not nearly as much as it used to be and it’s a lot thinner. Even the bumps I got from shaving are mostly gone.
So, how has hormone therapy affected your sex life?
It’s changed it in so many ways. Before I started the therapy, my sex life was very active. I could literally have sex for hours without getting tired. Now, my sex life has totally depreciated. The drugs have really decreased my libido.
For the first two months on estrogen, the idea of sex totally repulsed me. Before this, I used to follow a lot of porn accounts on Twitter, but I had to unfollow all of them. I just couldn’t deal with seeing people have sex, not to talk of masturbating.
Wow. Did that change in the following months?
Yeah. By the third month, my body began to adapt a bit. I started to feel a little horny, but I still wasn’t ready to have sex. At that point, I only wanted to be touched by someone and nothing more.
I still don’t know how to explain everything I was feeling, but it was so funny. One minute, I’d want someone to come around and caress me; the next minute, I couldn’t stand the sight of a man in my house. It was a lot.
Funny enough, it did have a positive effect. It made me more decisive about who and what I wanted. Before all this, I would sleep with literally anyone as long as I found them attractive. With my libido reduced, I wasn’t being controlled by my sexual urges anymore.
That’s interesting.
Yeah. Now, the only time I’m outwardly sexual is on Twitter, but that’s just me putting on a show. It’s how I make my money. People that follow my account want to see a trans woman from Nigeria being sexy and sexual, but that’s not who I am in real life anymore.
There are a lot of myths people believe about trans women, especially those who watch trans porn. So, people come expecting me to have huge breasts and a big dick that I just want to stick in everything and everyone.
These days, simply having and maintaining an erection is a lot of work. That being said, my body has been doing some new and interesting things. I’ve actually been getting double orgasms and dry orgasms, which are really fun and intense.
That’s incredible. So, how exactly do you make money from Twitter?
I mostly charge people to do video calls. I rarely meet in person for sex because it’s not safe. I also recently started an OnlyFans page. A lot of people don’t know there are trans people in Nigeria, so whenever they find me, they become curious.
People kept asking to see me naked, so I decided to make them pay for it.
LMAO. I stan. How long have you had the account?
I actually started the Twitter account before I began transitioning. I had a boyfriend at the time, and we’d make porn videos together and post it for fun. We weren’t making any money from it, but that’s how I got thousands of followers.
Now, this is the only way I can feed myself. I can’t work anywhere because it isn’t safe. Simply existing in Nigeria makes me a target for transphobic and homophobic people. So, all I can do is make money from curious people online.
That’s awful. What happened with that ex?
When I told him I wanted to transition, he told me he didn’t want to be with a woman.
I’m sorry about that.
It’s fine. I used to cheat on him anyway.
LMAO. So, what kind of clients do you typically get?
Most of the men that solicit me are straight.For a few though, I think it’s a way to avoid the ‘homosexual’ label. I guess liking dick is not as gay when it’s attached to a woman. Those ones are always fixated on it. They always want to touch it and suck it.
Does that bother you?
It used to, but I’m now cool with it. My dick is what makes me different from cis women. I plan to keep it until I’m in my 30s or 40s, then I’ll undergo gender reassignment surgery.
Alright. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a 5. I’m still getting to understand my new body.
Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
If you grew up in Nigeria, chances are that your Saturdays were lit. Thanks to the Cadbury Breakfast shows.
How many of these shows can you guess based on their opening scenes? As a bonus, I added two other shows that weren’t a part of the Saturday lineup but were equally great too.
How well do you think you’ll perform in this quiz?
Before you read this post, here is one thing we beg of you: if you have the phone number of any of these actresses, please link us. We need to be taken kiarof by them.
Shaffy Bello would be the kind of unproblematic sugar mummy that will spoil you silly. A fancy car to cruise town, maybe a tidy apartment in Ikeja too. It’s a sure thing that you will follow her on Dubai trips to flex. And if you are cool-headed, she will likely sponsor your wedding. Who doesn’t want that kind of flex?
2. Tina Mba
She will be discreet and coded, probably because of her political career or her children who wouldn’t like that. But she is likely to be a caring sugar mummy, the one who will remind you that she is old enough to be your mother and which is why she knows what is best for you. So, stop fooling around and get that Master’s Degree. Yep, na like that.
Mama the mama. With her, no dulling, always flexing. She is likely to be the kind of sugar mummy who is ever ready to spoil you, but you must be loyal. No girlfriend of your own, because she needs your 100% devotion. And don’t try to think you can outsmart her or something. You mess up, you get thrown out and another person will take your place ASAP.
4. Ireti Doyle
We need Ireti Doyle to be our sugar mummy because there is this badassery about her that is completely alluring. She looks like the kind of woman who will talk down any police officer who might try to be rude, and that power is intoxicating enough. A sugar mummy that fights for you. Hook it!
5. Eucharia Anunobi
Are you seriously going to pretend that Eucharia isn’t the essential sugar mummy you all want? We need her to spend cool dollars on us and shower us with gifts that we do not deserve.
Since we are in this sugar hustle together, we think you should take this quiz to know what kind of sugar might come your way.
After many seasons of dating, your man has finally decided to introduce you to his family. Congratulations for reaching this promised land. A lot of ladies don’t get to this stage; they perish in the wilderness of dating. Your case is not like that, thank God. Meeting his family is the last battle, and this is how to win it:
NB: Follow this advice at your own risk.
1. Carry an expensive gift hamper with you
Include Bournvita, Peak Milk, one giant loaf of bread and all the fruits from the garden of Eden. You’re not saying that they’re greedy (which they might be) but you’re just showing that you’re potential wife material who will do anything to please her husband’s family.
2. Kneel down to greet every member of his family.
His mother o, his father o, the unborn child in his family o, the neighbours o, the neighbours children o, all of them. It’s not kuku that you’re foolish. You’re just showing them how well behaved you are.
3. This should be your smile at every joke.
But sha be ladylike, so you will not laugh your way out of holy matrimony.
4. As soon as you have greeted them, carry broom and start sweeping the floor.
No time to waste, baby girl. Put your back in it and show them the skills your mama gave you.
5. After sweeping, ask them if they have dirty clothes.
They’ll probably say no, but that is because they are playing hard to get. So ask again and again until they take off their clothes and give you to wash. When you leave, they will talk about how well trained you are, and that’s good PR for you.
6. If at any time his mother asks you of your sexual history, say that the only sex you know is the male and female sex.
If she mentions the word penis, ask her what that is. A pen with an “is” at the back? You’re a good girl from a good family. You don’t know what penis is.
7. Yes, you’re meeting his family, but it is also a test of your cooking.
So, carry apron in your handbag. And a tuber of yam too. You don’t know what they might test you with. But whatever happens, you can rest assured that the yam in your handbag will not put you to shame.
8. If they offer you food and put more than one meat inside, know that it is a trap.
Tell them that you’re fasting. That’s one sure way to win their hearts.
9. At the end of the meeting, kneel down and thank your boyfriend’s mother for giving birth to him.
That is how your man will stand with his arms clasped together. His babe has done him proud. Wife material wey no go ever tear forever.
10. That’s all there is to do.
Once you get home, prepare and wait for the official call back that you have passed the audition and will be moving to housewife soonest.
It’s 3 days to the end of June 2020 and NYSC has not yet shown up with the June payment. What in the N33,000 is occuring? Well, we have an update:
It’s good news: NYSC will pay the June allowance. There’s been rumours about the payment being postponed so that NYSC will pay the June and July salary together. Well, NYSC has debunked this rumour with an update posted on their Facebook page that confirms that allowance will be paid for the month of June, 2020.
In other words, NYSC June 2020 payment is on its way.
Here’s a line from the release:
For the avoidance of doubt, all qualified Corps Members shall be paid allowance for the month of June, while in addition, those passing out from Service in July shall receive July stipend, as well as transport allowance.
We hope they make good this promise. You can read the full update on the NYSC Facebook page: Official NYSC
Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx
We appreciate comedians a lot. They do God’s work, make us laugh and ignore how this country is slowly coming down on our heads. Thank you. But you people need to start coming correct with your skit ideas. This is 2020, a knowledge update is needed.
1. Skits that propagate rape culture.
We all know these type of skits: most times, a guy buys something for a girl and expects sex and when she refuses, he takes her inside and haves his way with her then comes to tell his friends who cheer and call him bad guy while the girl slinks out in shame. Y’all should really stop this rubbish. Rape will never be funny.
2. Skits that try to discredit feminism.
Bold of you to think you can discredit feminism with your 1 minute concotion of a video, but okay. This kind of skit is easily recognizable: always features a lady who needs a man to feel complete, a lady who cannot do anything without a man, a lady who needs to be saved by a man and all the many iterations of that yamayama. Abeg x3.
3. Skits that normalise homophobia.
This one is rampant: sometimes it features a male comedian dressed in female clothing and coming on to another man and trying to ‘seduce’ by licking his lips and making gestures that are cringe worthy to watch. How does it end? Most times, a beating for the crossdresser or an unnecessary speech on how they cover their yansh with the blood of Jesus. Pfft. Save the blood of Jesus for something more reasonable, please.
4. Skits that glorify poverty and sufferhead romance as true love.
You know, my babe will leave a rich man and come to me who is selling pure water. Or, my babe will sit on the floor and drink garri with me because she loves me. If your babe does not do that, she does not love you. Oga, perish that idea. If I were a babe, you think I would join you to drink garri or sell pure water? Nah. Suffer your suffer alone, and leave me out of it.
5. Skits that normalise parental abuse.
Slaps and beatings that are very unnecessary to the sequence of events. Abeg ehn, because they beat you while you were younger does not mean you will make it the blue print of all parent-child relationships. There are genuinely funny moments in parent-child interactions that don’t involve beating. Dig deep and find it.Skits that normalise parental abuse. Because they did it doesn’t mean it’s normal. It’s up to you to break the cycle.
There’s been a lot of talk about the reputation of Yoruba men on these dating streets. Are they truly demons? Or are they angels with just bad PR? Well, the Zikoko FBI team went out and did some digging. In this post, we present our findings to you.
1. This is the opening statement of every Yoruba man.
An attempt at salvaging what is left of their reputation.
2. It is always the men themselves who do their own PR.
Why? Are they afraid that women will tarnish their image? Stay with us, we are trying to get to something.
3. Finally, a man speaks.
And the shaky reputation begins to crumble…
4. Oh, are we shifting blames now?
A very smooth tactic, innit?
5. And finally, someone has come to shatter the whole table.
It’s a paper padlock, so we’re guessing she can’t resist the allure and charm of Yoruba men. Nawa.
6. This proves our previous point.
Yoruba men and their charms>>>
7. Yoruba men are masters of the word.
Kings at using you against yourself. If you are planning to date any, better be careful.
8. Wiun!
E don happen. Yoruba men = questionable loyalty.
9. Kinds of men to flee from?
All of the above.
10. Erm what?
The devil works hard, but it appears Yoruba men work harder.
11. The truth is coming out.
Reinforces our previous point about the questionable loyalty of Yoruba men.
12. Looks like sweet mouth is the selling point for Yoruba men.
It’s two days to the end of June and NYSC is yet to do Father Christmas for corps members. There is an update from them that the allowance will definitely be paid, but for a lot of corps members, the question is “When?”
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