1. Eniola, 22

Children ask the most irritating questions, and they don’t mind their damn business. They’re always poking their noses in things that don’t concern them. For example, I have a little cousin who’s always looking into my phone, even when I’m not there. I wonder what will happen if one day, I leave my porn tab open. She’ll just be scarred forever.

2. Teslim, 27

Look at it carefully. Kids are never associated with organization. All they do is take down and destroy. And then they get away with a lot of shit. I’m a very organized person, so when I have someone’s kids over and they just come and start jumping on my bed it’s extremely maddening for me. And no matter how many times I say, “Hey, get off my bed”, they’ll be back on it in the next few seconds. Sometimes I wish I could fight children.

3. Glory, 21

I hate to say this, but children are dumb, they’re annoying, and they have “coconut head”

4. Ayo, 19

If there’s one word I’ll use to describe kids, it’s “annoying”, and there’s a couple of reasons for that. First of all, they make too much noise. Way too much noise. And I hate noise. And it doesn’t make it better that taking care of them is such a struggle, like an uphill task.

5. Bayo, 25

Maybe I don’t hate them so much anymore, because I found out that some uncle I had used to hate me as a kid and that didn’t just seem fair. But I used to hate them because they just feel entitled to all forms of pampering.
Even from people they do not know or are not related to.

Ii’s just like “Who are you, and why do you feel like you deserve this”?

6. Aisha, 23

I don’t just hate kids, I despise them. But I feel like God might just hear me and refuse to give me kids.

It doesn’t just sit well with my spirit that I have to put my entire life on hold because of one child. I keep asking myself questions like “Why do I have to think of another person my entire life?” You literally toil over them your whole life and at the end, they just become their own person? I might sound selfish, but that’s just not okay.

Then you’ll now have to pack shit and vomit when they’re toddlers. I can’t pack someone else’s shit or vomit. I just don’t see myself doing it.

The post 6 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Absolutely Hate Being Around Kids appeared first on Zikoko!.

One thing every student will tell you is this: The library is one of the most important places to visit as a student. It does not matter if you lied to your parents that you were in the library when really, you just needed time alone with your school partner. Truth is, when the exam was close, we all ran to the library for some help.

Now it’s 2020 and nobody expected COVID-19 to take over our lives, especially for students who have had to put their academic journey on hold so they could stay safe. Despite these, libraries play an important role in the life of students and they cannot get over it. Here are three valid reasons why:

1) Boredom: Hahahahaha! We know you did not see this one coming but we will be honest. You are home, stuck with the family, and it’s not like it’s a bad thing but when on campus, you can be seen walking around at 12 midnight. At home, you know you can’t even try that so what do you do when you are tired of Twitter, you search for libraries, as an excuse to hide from mama’s call, to catch up on your syllabus, to brush up on general knowledge. Whatever it is, you know you definitely visited a library. Don’t worry, we will keep your secret.

2) University eLibrary: This is our favorite, federal universities are fast getting digital libraries. Maybe they were inspired by COVID-19 or maybe because the MTN Foundation is really investing in youth empowerment and education. For instance, the MTN Foundation officially handed over a digital library to the Vice-Chancellor of the Obafemi Awolowo University with over50 desktops to enhance students’ access to learning.

This was done in commemoration of the Foundation’s Chairman, Prince Adelusi’s birthday, who commissioned it during a virtual event on Thursday, July 30, 2020. Judging from the appreciation videos we have been seeing on Twitter, we guess the OAU students cannot wait to get back to school.

3) Access to the world: With the growing technological advancement, one can have access to just about anything. Infact, libraries have transcended from the conventional hardbacks to e-books, video resource materials, online courses, animations and so many other materials. It’s like learning just got interesting. Everyday, new discoveries are made, new editions are published. We now have different ways to comprehend knowledge and understanding. Somehow, it feels like we were blind to this and isolation opened our eyes.If you think about it, there are many reasons to be obsessed with libraries this year. We took the first step and offered three reasons.

What’s yours?

The post Three Reasons Students are Obsessed with Libraries in 2020 appeared first on Zikoko!.

Money makes the world go round and if you’re Nigerian, the Naira makes you sad. Very sad. We tried to imagine the kind of energy the different currencies would have if they were students.

1) U.S dollars is that talented and popular kid that everyone likes.

Dollars secretly hates everyone but doesn’t show it.

2) Pound Sterling is the smart kid that can’t understand why other people aren’t smart.

Pound Sterling is definitely a snob and keeps to himself.

3) The Euro is that transfer student no one paid attention to until she came first in class. Now, everyone is wary.

Euro likes group work and collaborations.

4) The Canadian dollar is the kid who was assistant class captain and has now made it his life mission to be class captain.

His tactics is to rally the marginalized towards his cause.

5) The Japanese Yen is that kid with integrity. They’ll write their own sibling name in the noisemaker list and submit to the teacher.

This is the kind of person that cheats in an exam and reports his/her self.

6) The Naira is that kid who always raises their hands and gives the wrong answers.

They brag about knowing all the answers but still fail exams. In addition, they always blame everyone but themselves for failure. Olodo rabata.

The post We Re-Imagined Some Currencies As Secondary School Students appeared first on Zikoko!.

One of the things students enjoy about university is the noticeable absence of parents. Hm, freedom. But the thing is lecturers are kinda like parents, only that they use different titles. 

I had a lot of “E b things” moments when I was in university. The vice-chancellor of my uni liked to throw in the ‘in-loco parentis’ line at every chance he got. I was in my second or third year when he made his ultimate Nigerian parent move — we were protesting something (I don’t even remember what it was). He didn’t have time for nonsense, so he went to the school radio station to announce that he’d suspended academic activities and shut the school down for two weeks. The man basically told us to get the hell out of his school. That was the uni equivalent of your parents sending you to your room to think about your many sins. 

Anyway, if you don’t see the similarities between the two sets of people yet, the rest of this post should open your eyes. 

1. They are both hung up on respect

A Nigerian parent will question your home training if you don’t call them mummy/daddy, even if they’re not your actual parents. A Nigerian professor will act out when you don’t address them by their proper title. We know you put in the work to get that title but be calming down sometimes.

2. They try to be sarcastic and do a poor job of it

“Put it on my head” is an expression every Nigerian has heard from their parents. While a Nigerian lecturer won’t exactly tell you this, they have loads of other things they say to achieve the same effect. 

3. They both have their favourites

Nigerian parents will never admit that they like one of their children more than the other, but the signs are always there. Nigerian lecturers are slightly less subtle in this area — you will know the student they genuinely have a soft spot for. 

4. Gadgets and phones make them feel some kind of way

Both Nigerian parents and lecturers genuinely believe that your phone is ruining your life. Your parents will blame your phone for your headaches, the lecturers will blame it for your grades or something else that suits their agenda. 

5. They love to tell hilarious stories about their past

Nigerian parents love to tell stories about their glory days of coming out the top of their class. Nigerian lecturers will tell you stories about how things were more ‘difficult’ during their time at the university. They do it for the same reason — they hope these stories will inspire you to do better. Uhm, if only most of them are true. 

Well, I guess the average lecturer is someone’s parent too. That should explain it. 

If you think we missed anything, let us know in the comments.

The post Nigerian Parents And Lecturers Are The Same People And We Have Proof appeared first on Zikoko!.

Love is such a beautiful and wonderful feeling. Sometimes, this wonderful feeling takes your sense for vanishing and makes you do some really crazy things. So, we asked nine Nigerian women to tell us the craziest things they have done for love.

Halima, 20

I once cancelled a 70k gig because this guy I was talking to said he was not feeling well and I should come see him. Only for me to get there and he was lying.

Ada, 27

Every Saturday, I would go to his house and cook enough food to last him a week. From soups and stews to even pastries because he liked a light snack before breakfast.

Elizabeth, 21

When I was in Secondary school, I left my house to surprise this boy on his birthday. I did not know I locked my father out of the house because he did not take his key. We were the only ones around, so nobody to open the gate for him. My father had to climb the fence to get in. He let the anger marinate because he did not beat me black and blue until the next morning.

Amina, 21

One time I was very broke and I was talking to this guy on my phone. My airtime finished then I borrowed two thousand naira airtime on both my sims to continue the call. When that finished, I took my food money to repay what I borrowed and then borrowed again. When everything finished and I had no hope, I told Oga to call me back. He told me he does not have airtime to waste because we were not saying sensible things.

Cynthia, 26

I sold one of my wigs to buy him a new phone because he told me his phone was bad. Turns out it was not bad, but he gave the phone to his girlfriend. Apparently, I was the side chick.

Ini, 20

I travelled to see her for the weekend because we were having issues and I wanted us to work out. While there, we went for lunch with two of our other friends. When I got back, she broke up with me two days later. I spent so much on that and my chest still hurts when I think of how much left my account.

Ana 22

I used my WAEC money to buy her a birthday gift. I still found money for WAEC because God no go shame us.

Adeola, 31

My boyfriend at the time asked for threesomes with me and other women. I did it because I thought if I did not, he will cheat on me. Very stupid time of my life honestly.

Bimbo, 29

Declined a scholarship to study in the UK, so we could both be in the same University in Nigeria. She cheated on me though and that was the wake up call I needed.

For more stories of all things women, click here

The post 9 Nigerian Women Tell Us The CRAZIEST Things They Have Done For Love appeared first on Zikoko!.

I had a conversation with a 24-year-old who suspects that her husband cheated on her with his cousin while they were still dating. She talks about the age difference between them, the disrespect she had to endure while dating him and the choice she had to make.

There are so many decisions I have made that I regret. My only excuse is that I was young and very naive. Looking back, I can see how easy it was for people to take me for granted. First off, I was a 17-year-old dating a 32-year-old man. Secondly, I got pregnant and married him 4 years after. Within those 4 years, so many things happened that threatened our relationship and I wish I saw them for what they were, red flags.

When my husband and I were dating, it was a rollercoaster ride. The contrast in personality and age was so vast but the idea of dating someone older held a thrill for me. 

My life was pretty much simple. I lived with my parents and he lived with a family friend because he needed to be close to school and work. For someone who was a big deal in the area, people didn’t get why he would date me. In a lot of ways, I felt lucky that he was dating me. His ex-girlfriend was such a babe that waves of insecurity hit me every time she came up in a conversation.

I thought my husband was only with me cause I was a virgin and he wanted to fuck and go. In fact, that was his initial plan but after a while, he decided to take things more seriously. I made up my mind to have sex with him cause I felt I was going to do it anyways and it was best to do it with someone I won’t regret being with.

The real problem started when the younger sister of the family friend he was living with got very close to him. I figured she didn’t like me at all because when I started dating my husband, I would greet her and she won’t respond. The way she’d look down on me, I could tell she couldn’t imagine what he saw in a small girl like me when she was there, a working-class lady with her own car.

After the 2nd year of dating my husband, she realised that we were getting pretty serious so she started speaking to me. However, it didn’t stop her from laughing at me with her friends when they came around.

I was hurt but I just ignored the whole thing out of love for my husband. But, there were so many times that this same man that I was enduring insults for would leave me on the bed in his flat and go to her flat.

I would wake up in the middle of the night and I won’t see him on the bed.

Sometimes, I’d worry so much I’d start pacing. The first time it happened, he said he went out for fresh air cause the room was so hot with lots of mosquitoes. This was a blatant lie because he didn’t want me to follow him to get that fresh air he was receiving

And I couldn’t go to the other flat cause nobody knew I was staying in his flat for the night. He had to sneak me in at night and sneak me out early in the morning after everyone goes to work.

 When it became too much, I confronted him about it. He swore that they were cousins and he had never done anything with her. While he was talking, I kept thinking “why are you cheating and lying about it? The lies are so disrespectful because you don’t even rate me enough to put in the effort.” I felt extremely hurt. 

I knew for a fact that he was cheating because there was a time he was talking to his friend and he mistaken let out that he has seen the other girl naked. He didn’t know I was in the room. He just went on and on about how the girl likes to touch herself and fuck her pillow cause she doesn’t have a man. 

I would cry and ask my friends for advice. Some told me to leave the relationship. They believed we won’t end up together because I was so much younger than him and had nothing to offer. I was also scared to leave him because I had already gotten an abortion for him and he was all I knew.

In our 4th year together, I left him to date someone else. I really liked the new guy. He was everything I could ask for in a man. The new guy was kinder and just perfect but I found out I was pregnant for my ex, I couldn’t abort this one again. The guilt from the first abortion almost killed me. Honestly, I just didn’t have it in me to do it the second time.

 I really didn’t want to go back to the relationship. After being taken for granted, I was tired of him sleeping with other girls and reassuring me of my place in his life. He was so freaking arrogant. He planted the impression that if I tried another relationship, they will fuck and dump me. I held on to him for so long because I didn’t feel desirable.

My current boyfriend thought the pregnancy was for him and wanted me to keep it but I had to tell him the truth. I didn’t want him to care for the child and one day find out the truth so I left him.

My ex took responsibility for the pregnant and we got married. His “cousin” was at the wedding giving me the stink eye. Her mother and herself were just acting strangely throughout. I knew it was because they didn’t expect my husband to marry me. But I don’t care.  I have learnt to just put myself together and live without regrets.

Anyway, he is nicer now. Much better than when we were dating but I sometimes wish things turned out differently.

For more stories like this, read Sex Life: Why I’m Now Celibate After Several Terrible Experiences.

The post I Suspect My Husband Was Sleeping With His Cousin appeared first on Zikoko!.

Not much makes you prouder than your first car. But when will you buy yours?

Take the quiz to find out?

The post QUIZ: When Will You Buy Your First Car? appeared first on Zikoko!.

I want you to know that no matter how creepy, unhealthy and problematic the title of this guide sounds, this is a safe space and I am not judging you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep tabs on someone you have no business keeping tabs on. Ok, that didn’t read well. You know what? This is a safe space shikena.

1. First step; create a new account for this.

Stalking with your main account is a rookie move, you need a burner account for this unpaid work you want to start.

2. Keep in mind that it spans across all social media platforms.

You need Instagram for pictures of them looking good and chopping life without you. Then you trek to Twitter to check out what ideologies they now roll with and what else is going on in their life. When you are done, stop by LinkedIn to see if they finally got that promotion.

3. Make sure to read ALL their posts.

And I mean every single post they have made since they started existing on social media. Why are you squeezing face? Don’t you know stalking is a high maintenance hobby?

4. Check the comments on their posts and check out the commenter’s profile too.

People in the comments section are always a good lead. They probably know something you don’t. Travel to their page to find out.

5. Check their followers and the people they are following.

Keep a close strategic eye on the people they follow, they may have proposed to or accepted marriage proposal from one of them.

6. Check every person they have tagged.

There’s more gist waiting for you there.

7. Check mutual friends and family members. 

Those things they don’t want to say, one busy body family member will most likely have said it on their behalf.

If you enjoyed reading this guide then we have more knowledge and insight waiting for you in this guide: An Exclusive Guide to Nailing The Perfect Nigerian Marriage Proposal.

The post The Complete Guide To Stalking Your Ex On Social Media appeared first on Zikoko!.

When it comes to skincare routines, different products work for different skin types. The fact that many beginners in the skincare game don’t know this (coupled with them taking advice from people who have no idea what they’re talking about) always leads to hilarious, and sometimes, dangerous results. I asked 4 people to tell me the biggest mistakes they made at the beginning of their skincare journey. These are their stories.

*chung chung*

“When I was in secondary school, all my classmates were having puberty-induced pimples. The rest of us who didn’t have it yet were terrified. Someone spread the news that the only way to fight this was by applying a mixture of Nixoderm and Dettol antiseptic liquid on the face every night before bed. This was way before the internet became easily accessible and since we were all in the hostel, we had no way of confirming the validity of this claim. The rest of us who hadn’t gotten pimples yet procured these products and began applying the mixture as instructed. It didn’t take long before it burned our faces. I still have the scars, from the sides of my nose down to the sides of my lips. The worst part? I still got major pimples later.”

“A friend told me that to get rid of my acne, I needed to start exfoliating, explaining that it’s a way to remove dead skin cells so they don’t clog stuff up. Now, while I was willing to do this, I was not willing to spend money. So I bought the strongest bathing sponge I could find at the mallam’s shop close to my house and scrubbed my face super hard whenever I took a shower. My face became dry and my acne got worse. I gave up there. Na acne I get, I no kill person.“

“So there’s an American beauty influencer on YouTube I used to be a huge fan of. In one of her videos, she talked about the benefits of lemon juice on the skin. She swore by it and seeing as her skin was amazing, I didn’t hesitate to try it. It fucked me up. My face turned red and started peeling. For weeks, I refused to leave the house. I went to the comment section of the video and found other people complaining of the terrible effects lemon juice had on their skin. She eventually turned off the comments on the video. I refuse to say her name but there is no way that girl will make heaven.”

“I was using toothpaste to get rid of my pimples. On one hand, it worked because the pimples were drying up. But then, they left red spots on my face. I was torn between having pimples or having red spots so I convinced myself that the spots would leave eventually and continued using the toothpaste. It ended in tears.”

The post 4 Nigerians Talk About The Worst Skincare Mistakes They’ve Ever Made appeared first on Zikoko!.

Things will not always go your way — no one knows this better than a Nigerian student navigating the occasionally murky waters of uni life. We’ve all been there, so why not be a little nostalgic about it?

Here we go:

 1. When your laptop has no backup power and NEPA takes light in the middle of an assignment

If you’re not one to hit ‘Control S’ very 5 seconds, you might be in trouble.

2. When you need to use the toilet and all the toilet seat covers  in your  hostel are down

It’s an unspoken rule: if the toilet seat is down, just respect yourself and leave.

3. When you’re dashing off to an early money lecture and you remember that you forgot your money at home

Slaps harder when you’re already in a cab

4. When a lecturer asks a question in class and no one answers

A test nobody asked for is about to happen

5. When the invigilator you thought was distracted asks you to submit your exam sheet and leave the hall

Game over! Get your begging face on.

6. When the lecturer asks everyone to come to check their test results in the office

Even though it usually means nothing in the end, your initial thought

7. When you stay out a little late and your hostel gate has been locked before you return 

If you live off-campus, this is a nightmare.

8. You, every time you’re out of garri, rice, noodles, or spaghetti  

You’re dead, literally!

The post 8 ‘I-Don-Die’ Moments Every Nigerian Student Has Experienced At School appeared first on Zikoko!.

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is an online sex worker in her early twenties. She talks about hating her body, the Nigerian factors like NEPA that affect her work, and her biggest fear of one day getting exposed.

MONDAY:

I’m up by 3 am every day. I don’t say wake up because I have no choice in the matter. I get up early because my audience lives in the USA and 3 am in Nigeria is their midnight. At midnight, they are all awake and horny. So, once I’m awake, I start pushing out content (pictures and videos) to my abroad subscribers until like 6, 7 am. Once I’m done, I go back to sleep until around noon. 

Today, after waking up and showering by noon, my day resumes. I’m not filming so I decide to do promos (a discount on my OnlyFans content) on Twitter and Reddit. I schedule my promo to around 3 pm Nigerian time because that’s when the Americans wake up so this ensures that they see me. These promos, especially on Twitter, help to keep engagements up and get new subscribers. I also reply to one or two messages because it’s important to interact with current subscribers while trying to get new ones. 

The Reddit promo stresses me out because Reddit is a rabbit hole. Like today that I’ve decided to focus on Reddit promo, I’m ignoring everything else for the next 2hrs to do it well.

How Reddit works is that you have to find different subreddits to post in. Sometimes, you have to search with keywords. Sometimes you have to check other girls’ pages; girls that look like you. I can’t post in a subreddit where they want skinny girls (I’m not skinny), I can’t post where they want tight tits (I have saggy breasts), I can’t post where they want light-skinned girls ( I’m dark-skinned). So, I have to search for keywords. For example, there’s a subreddit called “chubby” that has 200,000 members so girls like me can post there. There’s another one called “ass” that has almost 200k members where you just go to post your ass. But Reddit also has rules – some subreddits don’t allow you to sell content while others are specifically for selling. Some won’t allow you to post a picture with your watermark in it so I have a folder for pictures without my watermark for those. 

Some have no rules so you can do whatever you like. I like the ones without rules because I can manipulate it however I want —  I can advertise my work and put whatever caption I want without the fear of getting banned. 

The only upside is that Reddit subscribers are profitable. A lot of big tippers and people who are into fetish come from Reddit. And because fetish videos are expensive, they give me tips. So, this makes it worth it.

So, I plan to keep searching groups and posting links until midnight. Then I’ll sleep because by 3 am, I go again.

TUESDAY:

Today, I start my promo a lot earlier because it’s Titty Tuesday and everyone loves Titty Tuesday. I have to get my post ready so I can post under some babe’s thread. She’s the organizer of this movement and because she has over 400k followers this means that I’ll get a lot of engagement. I always make sure to send her my post early so she can add it to her thread.

People ask me how I’m comfortable sending pictures of myself but I tell them that I’ve always wanted to do OnlyFans. I think that it’s a talent I’ve always had. Initially, when I started, my content was lazy. But then I started looking at other girls and I realised that if I wanted to do this, I had to pick up the pace. 

Another worry I had at the beginning was that someone would identify me, but no face, no case. Plus after a while, people learn to mind their business. Only my closest friends know what I do and as long as I have their support, no one else exists. 

All the time people come up to say “You’re the one in the photos” but I always throw my face away. Once you throw away your face, they will not have the audacity to ask again.

Another thing that keeps me going is that there is potential to cash out. I have friends that are crazy successful from this and this is their main job. Anything can happen, as long as I keep grinding, I’ll keep seeing results. Even when it seems slow, or sad, I just have to keep going. Sometimes when I get frustrated, I remember my British friend who made $3000- $4000 in July and made almost $20,000 in August. Even though I recently started and things are slow, I know that there’s potential for me to start earning six to seven figures if I put in the work. 

Thinking about these things is what makes me look for the best pose to take photos so I can send my entry for Titty Tuesday. There’s money to be made, please. 

WEDNESDAY:

One thing doing this job has shown me is that I’m very open to fetishes. More open than even I thought. Sometimes, I’m the one that suggests things. I understand that it might not be the same for other people because you have to consider a lot of things. However, a lot of people have fetishes that I also share so it’s a win-win for me. Additionally, fetish content is very expensive especially videos of you acting out the fetish. 

I charge per minute for fetish videos. It helps that I have a price list for specific fetishes, unlike other girls who size customers up and price them. So that makes my subscribers happy. 

Today, I’m making a custom (we agreed on a fetish) video that’s supposed to be three minutes long. All I can say is that it involves recording myself doing a very specific fetish. The better I get at these videos, the more the possibility of making between $90 – $150 for 3-minute videos. 

However, NEPA wants to ruin my vibe. We haven’t had light all day so I can’t record anything. My phone battery is low and coupled with the sound of my neighbour’s gen, I can’t do anything. I definitely don’t want generator noise in my background because I don’t like when things aren’t right. 

I’m going to spend the day apologising to the client and I’ll even give a discount for the stress. 

I need to distract myself from all these thoughts so I’m going to watch Fat Dog Mendoza to pass time before Nigeria frustrates my enemy. 

THURSDAY:

My biggest challenge with this job is showing my body. I know that it sounds like a paradox but I struggle with body dysmorphia. This also manifests as social anxiety. I don’t like being outside because I feel that my body is ugly and hideous. Sometimes if I have to go somewhere, I start crying. I think that if I go out, people will see my ugliness. I know that it’s weird doing this work and feeling this way but it’s a daily struggle that I can’t help. I often get so sad and don’t want to work.

Even when I’m filming, there are some things I try not to do because I think my body is ugly in an outfit. When I get a scar or something, I get really insecure. One time, I got a scar on my belly from shaving and for a week, I didn’t post anything that showed my belly. I haven’t taken an ass pic in a month or two because I don’t like how my back rolls look. Also, I have cellulite on my ass and I don’t like how they look in photos. Another time, I went for two months without taking breast pics because I felt my breasts were too saggy and I didn’t want to see them. Sometimes, when I want to take titty pics, I hold them up with my hands to feel better with myself.  

I haven’t taken pictures sitting down because I feel my hips won’t pop out. Struggling mentally and doing this work is really hard. I’m constantly scrutinizing my photos. I zoom in on my picture and say what if someone is looking at this scar or those rolls. The reality is that many times, I’m the only one noticing these things. There are times I start going “Oh my God, my content is trash. Oh my God, my content is trash.” Throughout last week, I didn’t open my OnlyFans feed because I didn’t like how I looked in any video. Like sometimes you’ll be sad and you just have to keep going. Thankfully, I’m not alone, some other girls doing this work also feel this way.

Sex work also saved me from drug dependency and alcoholism. Usually, I’d be drunk or high to get away from sadness. But when I’m drunk or high, I’m inefficient and can’t work. If I don’t work that means I can’t earn so I’ve been way more sober due to having to work[hehe]. 

Today, I feel sad and can’t do anything. I can’t do promos on Twitter or Telegram so I’m just going to lay in bed. The only difference now is that instead of escaping and not doing anything, I’ll brainstorm.  If I’m going to be sad and not do anything, I might as well plan my content strategy for when my mental health break is over. 

Who no work, no go chop. 

FRIDAY:

Nigerians living in Nigeria are terrible towards online sex workers. Today, I think of how hurtful this is because I have no community. The abroad guys are accepting of us but there are still differences even when we are in group chats. Many of the girls in this group are white so there’s a disconnect. White girls have it one hundred times easier and being black makes you accept the fact that some people will automatically decide not to fuck with you. Our realities are just too different and they can’t relate. It’s easy to feel alone —  how many Nigerians are doing this on an international scale? I only know of like two other people on Twitter. And to be honest, in this industry where everyone is busy chasing the bag, there’s no time for many many.

I remember one time my friend (who does OnlyFans) hinted about her potential earnings in an article. She just said you can make up to four figures in dollars and Nigerians started reporting her account. She got locked out of her account for two days. I just advised her to unfollow and block everyone she followed from Nigerian Twitter. And that she should start integrating herself into abroad Twitter. When I started doing this, I knew that I wasn’t working in Twitter NG space so I just blocked half of them because they were body-shaming me. Sometimes, I just see a random Nigerian account and I’ll just be like fuck off and block it. It’s just bad vibes and negative energy. You can’t actually survive in this climate with people that hate you for no reason when you’re not doing anything to them. They just hate you for no reason. Let me not lie, sometimes I tell people that I’m Ghanaian because Nigerians hate my existence. 

Sometimes I get anxiety attacks. I have nightmares. Getting my identity revealed is my biggest fear. My real name out there on the internet. American girls will get their content leaked and move on but I don’t know what will happen to me. 

But if I start thinking, I won’t do anything. If you find something you love, I think you should do it. As long as you’re not hurting anyone and your conscience is clear. 

SATURDAY

I don’t work much on weekends. So, today I try to stretch out as much as I can. I also need a break. I’m going to do Telegram promo and that’s the worst of them. I legit need to hire an assistant to do that for me because it’s so hard. 

It’s because of how difficult this work can get that I want a partner who’s loving and accepting of me. I see a lot of girls like me who have boyfriends and husbands that love them for who they are. I know I can’t settle for less when I see girls like me being valued. I know a girl that makes content with her boyfriend. One time, they did a thread on sex workers and their partners and how long they have been together – I saw people who had been together for  5 – 6 years and I saw love and acceptance. 

Some of these girls, their boyfriends do their filming, planning and budgeting for them. I also know someone who’s married doing this work whose husband is an engineer. So imagine seeing all that genuine love, you definitely won’t settle for less or for anyone that will be talking to you anyhow. These decisions become easier because you now have your own money on top.

Thinking about this again, I’ve made up my mind that I don’t need anyone’s approval to follow my dreams.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

The post A Week In The Life: The Online Sex Worker Who Hates Her Body appeared first on Zikoko!.

Imagine you could turn back the hands of time. What would you have studied in University?

Take the quiz to find out!

The post QUIZ: Which Course Should You Have Studied In University? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Every Weekday, Zikoko’s Citizen will explain the biggest issues in Nigeria’s politics and policies, especially as it affects you – the Citizen.

CTRL J – Japa

Last Friday, Jason Njoku, the CEO of Video-on-Demand platform Iroko TV dropped a not-really-bombshell bombshell on Twitter. He announced via a blog post and Twitter threads that the tech company is fully exiting (read: leaving) Africa after so many years of losses and losses.

Amidst a series of reasons about why the company loses about $300k monthly because of its Africa operations, Jason Njoku spoke of how the CBN Naira devaluations of this year and the previous years have greatly affected the business. For example, in 2015, a N3,000 annual plan was introduced for customers, which was converted at $18 (N166/$). In 2017, that N3,000 plan became $8.33 (N360/$). Today that N3,000 plan is $6.3 (N477/$). And there’s still more devaluation coming, allegedly.

You can see what happens when a currency keeps falling to another. Money keeps leaving the table. Miraculously.

Why Is The Naira Always Falling To The Dollar?

One phrase – Demand Imbalance.

Nigerians generally need dollars to meet a lot of obligations – including for international school fees, business travels, medical expenses, international airlines tickets, student maintenance allowance, including the importation of crucial raw materials.

What’s more? There is no actual dollars to meet those demands. Our traditional means of gaining dollars which gives us 90% of foreign exchange earnings is through the sale of crude oil, but the Covid-19 pandemic means we are selling less oil for even lesser prices.

Our other sources are all depleted at this time. The Forex reserves which is supposed to serve as a buffer in these times has a little over $36 billion dollars in its coffers, an amount certainly not enough to bridge the dollar demand gap.

All of this means that when the market smells a dollar scarcity, traders begin to hoard the dollar. The price then goes up and and you need more Naira to buy it. The Naira’s bandwidth is then widened through devaluation to allow for a purchase of dollars, and cycle continues.

How Will You Survive These Times?

Tbh, we don’t know. You can send a mail to Godwin.Emefiele@cbn.gov, or pray that oil prices miraculously begin to trade for around $70 and above. But, reading all of our Naira Life stories is a good place to start. May the force be with you, and with us.

Check back every weekday by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen stories.

The post The Naira Is In A Toxic Relationship With The Dollar. What Should You Do? appeared first on Zikoko!.

You can’t possibly stand everyone, so odds are that you have a couple of people you’re not a fan of. This quiz will reveal the kind of people you hate.

Go ahead:

The post QUIZ: What Kind Of People Do You Hate? appeared first on Zikoko!.

People with bad handwriting have been persecuted since the day writing was invented. We don’t know what we’ve done to deserve all this, but we live with this stigma every day. #BadHandwritingMattersToo

Writing exams is war

You know your writing is bad and you don’t want to fail CHM 301 for the second time, so you have to carefully write out your letters one by one. The after you submit, you have to cover your script with the blood of Jesus and pray that God should open the eye of the examiner. Stress.

Constantly having your name misspelt.

You write your name on a list and suddenly they call you a whole different name. Is that what I wrote?

Getting dragged publicly

One vivid memory of secondary school was the teacher announcing to the whole class that your handwriting was chicken scratch after you’ve submitted your script. Okay but who asked you?

Not being able to send handwritten notes to your lover

You know how people send cute penned letters to their partners? Yeah that’s not happening.

Is this 5 or 8?

You’re at the bank, trying to withdraw money for the weekend. The cashier can’t see what you wrote so they say, in a really loud voice: “Sir, please, I can’t see what you wrote here.”  Aunty please reduce your voice. I’ll correct it.

This is good too: 5 Things You Can Do When You Enter A Bus Without Money

The post 5 Annoying Struggles People With Bad Handwriting Will Understand appeared first on Zikoko!.

We are all afraid of something, the important thing is to never let our fears stop us from being great. Take this quiz to find out your biggest fear.

The post QUIZ: What Is Your Biggest Fear? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is incredibly difficult. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their takes on everything from sex to politics right here.

For this week’s What She Said, I decided to do something a little different by asking women from different parts of Africa about their marriage experiences. While the answers form a wide range of experiences — from the woman who hates sharing a room with her husband to the woman who doesn’t want to have kids — the truth is that they are similar and show us that our experiences as women in spite of our backgrounds, sexuality, age, religion, etc. are quite universal.

Name: Eliza
Country: Uganda
Age: 25

‘My husband is mostly progressive online, but expects me to wash his boxers.’

Before I got married, I was looking for someone who was on the same progressive wavelength as I was. I really didn’t want anyone that would stress me as past boyfriends had. Then I met my husband online and he said all the right things. He also did (and does) some of the right things, but the truth remains that he’s a man and men, they expect some things from you that they consider mundane. Like he expects me to pick up after him and to do things like wash his boxers. Hell no. 

Name: Ifeko
Country: Nigeria
Age: 38

“It’s having to share a room with someone for the rest of my life.”

I’ve never liked sharing spaces with people. Never ever. On getting married, the plan was to have separate rooms. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen due to Lagos and other financial reasons. The one time when we got the opportunity to have separate, my mother-in-law came over for a while. She was so mad that we were not sleeping in the same bedroom. My husband tried to tell her it wasn’t her business, but she wasn’t having it. I’d have to add that in-law wahala is another thing I hate about being married. Now that we have children, I’m back to sleeping in the same room with my husband. The worst part is that he snores. Sometimes, I go to the parlour to sleep, but it’s not just about sleeping at night. There’s nothing like having a room of one’s own.

Name: Efi
Country: Ghana
Age: 26

“It’s being married.”

I got married when I thought I was ready to get married which was when I was 22, right after university. After the wedding which I loved and the honeymoon, which I loved even more, I realised that I wasn’t ready to be married at all. I always have to consider the needs of my husband before doing anything. This is stressful because I feel like I could be out there, having multiple boyfriends, having fun. Some of my single friends from university or high school are living their life. I’m here, preparing dinner at 8pm, watching television with him like we’re an old couple and then going to bed by 10pm. It doesn’t help that my husband doesn’t like stress. We’ve tried to have fun together a couple of times, but he finds nightlife boring and too much. I’d rather have fun without him too, but if I have the fun, I’ll end up in another man’s bed. 

Name: Ireti
Country: Nigerian
Age: 45

“It’s people calling me Mrs A, when they can see that I am Ms B.”

You’ll go somewhere and introduce yourself as Ms A, but because they know your husband, they’ll insist on calling you Mrs Y. That’s rubbish. It’s the one thing I cannot stand at all. 

Kaya*
South African
Age: 30

“I’d have said the flirting, but it’s the fact that he’s allowed to flirt and I’m not.”

We’re not religious, so everything has been on the table since we got married. Every single thing. At least that’s what we said before getting married. Five years in, we haven’t explored much. No threesomes, no open relationships, no foreplay. I was okay with this until recently when I noticed my husband flirt with other women. At first, I wanted to talk to him about it. But I changed my mind and decided to flirt with other men. The reaction wasn’t pretty at all. So now I asked him, you can flirt, but what about me? He said he’s a man and he has needs. I won’t be surprised if he’s cheating. 

Hauwa*
Nigeria
32

“My husband doesn’t rate my cooking, but he makes me cook because it’s my duty”

I went into marriage with the belief that the kitchen and bedroom were the two most important places. The kitchen even more because ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his belly’. The catch is, I’ve never been a good cook. I know it, my husband knows it, even my children know it. I recently began to understand that cooking is not a validation of my person and neither does it make me a good wife. I wanted to stop cooking, but my husband has refused. We can afford a cook, but he says it’s my duty to cook. How can I allow my kids and him eat outside, he asks me. Is this some kind of punishment? I don’t know. I hate it here. 

Dorcas*
Kenyan
38

“For me, it’s the foolish arguments. Who left soap suds on the wall? Who didn’t put the toilet cover down? Things like that sometimes become big things.”

When I got married, I imagined that it’d be a fairytale. I like to think my husband and I are quite compatible. We can go months without arguing. Then something tiny would happen and we would start screaming at each other. We’re not hot tempered people typically. In fact, we can be very good natured and we don’t have any issues — the sex is great, our conversations are great — but sometimes, those arguments creep in and make us look like fools. Sometimes it is perhaps taking out our stress on each other. Other times, I can’t even explain it. 

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

If you’d like to share your experience as a Nigerian or African woman across a range of different issues that affect women, send me an email.

The post What She Said: What We Hate About Being Married appeared first on Zikoko!.

If you grew up left-handed, then you’ll relate:

1) You grew up ambidextrous.

At some point, your parents forced (mostly with flogging) you to learn how to use both hands. They tried to “correct” your hand

2) While growing up, you were constantly beaten for using your left hand to do everything.

Is it my fault that I was born this way?

3)Your face anytime someone refuses food because you served it with left hand.

You’re not hungry.

4) Your face anytime you meet someone not bothered by which hand you use.

An angel.

5) You’ve had to live with people calling your hand “devilish” or “useless.”

Na wa oh.

6) You’re tired of people saying “Aren’t lefties meant to be smart?”

Free me.

7) You’ve been told as a left-handed Muslim or Christian that you couldn’t touch the holy books.

So painful. Especially when people try to use religious texts to call you a sinner.

8) Your fear of eating outside is very real.

Because you can feel eyes judging you.

9) Doing mental calculations anytime you want to give an adult something.

You can’t even afford to loose guard because the drama is not worth it.

10) Not being sure of your left or right side.

Because all the years spent trying to change your hand from left to right has confused your brain.

11) Your face anytime someone goes: “So, you’re a leftie?”

And so?

12) You’ve had sellers slap your hand because you touched their goods with your left hand.

The audacity.

13) Or traders refuse money because of your left hand.

Mschew.

14) The very real struggle of trying to open car doors or flush toilets.

No one makes anything for left-handed people!

15) Using scissors is a big struggle because the blades are so darn confusing!

God, why is it so confusing? Please don’t let me cut myself.

16) You still get flashes as an adult of all the trauma you had to deal with while growing up.

Some things just never completely go away.

The post If You Grew Up Left-Handed, Allow Us Tell Your Story appeared first on Zikoko!.

As a Nigerian, subtlety shouldn’t be your strongest suit. You need to let people know when you secure the bag. You know, money stops nonsense. If you’re not sure how to tastefully do this, let the following suggestions guide you:

1. Hold a stack of cash to your ear every time you take a picture

Make sure it’s dollars. That’s the only acceptable currency.

2. Invest in a bunch of gold chains, rings, and watches

The bling won’t bling itself.

3. This goes without saying, but you can only use Apple products

You know, the trio — an iPhone, a Macbook, and an iWatch. Throw in an airpod for good measure

4. Get yourself a nice British accent to match

Something befitting of your status, innit?

5. At least once a week, record a Snapchat video showing off your wardrobe

I mean, there are necks to be pressed

6. Pretend to be mad when someone complains about the exchange rate

To be honest, though, you can’t relate.

7. Offer to borrow your friends money and forget to collect it back

We rise by lifting others.

The post 7 Things You Need To Do When You Start Making BASTARD Money appeared first on Zikoko!.

Every Weekday, Zikoko’s Citizen will explain the biggest issues in Nigeria’s politics and policies, especially as it affects you – the Citizen.

So, its fair to say that it is becoming standard procedure to be invited by the Department of State Services (DSS) if one makes any comment that is deemed to be targeted at the Government, or that is considered ‘hate speech’ or inciteful or any other related kind of public statement.

But, in short, we still do not know the exact reason why the DSS invites people over comments. But let’s find out.

Origin of the SSS (or DSS)

The State Security Service (SSS) was created in June 1986 by Decree 19 of the Ibrahim Babangida Military administration. This decree dissolved the National Security Organization into three different splinter security organizations under the office of the Co-ordinator of National Security.

These security organizations were: The State Security Service, The National Intelligence Agency and the Defence Intelligence Agency.

Ironically, the SSS is now commonly known by many Nigerians as the DSS (Department of State Security) – a name that is still controversial and many say is not in line with the law.

Mandate of the SSS

The major mandate of the SSS is in Subsection (3) of the National Security Organizations Act which charges it with the responsibility for:

a) the prevention and detection within Nigeria of any crime against the internal security of Nigeria;

b) the protection and preservation of all non-military classified matters concerning the internal security of Nigeria; and

(c) such other responsibilities affecting internal security within Nigeria as the National Assembly or the President, as the case may be, may deem necessary.

Is The DSS Abusing Its Powers?

Within the past few weeks, we have seen repeated invites from the ‘DSS’ to people who were deemed to have made hate speeches and/or inciteful comments.

Obadiah Mailafia, a former CBN deputy Governor and Presidential candidate was invited by the department over claims he made on a radio interview that he had intelligence that a sitting governor is a commander of terrorist group – Boko Haram.

Just recently, news also surfaced online that celebrities Don Jazzy and Tiwa Savage were allegedly invited by the outfit over comments and claims made about the President Buhari administration. The report further claims that these celebrities were warned to be careful with their social media posts and that a certain #WeAreTired hashtag has been discontinued by Tiwa Savage.

But, given that the DSS has recorded huge wins in the past, including the October 2010 interception of a large shipment of ammunitions from Iran through the Apapa port, one cannot argue that the security outfit can not be effective when it wants to be.

We just hope that intelligence and counter-intelligence activities are properly balanced with human right considerations, and the freedom of all Nigerians to many rights, including speech, and subject to all relevant laws of the land, including the constitution.

Check back every weekday by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen articles.

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