This quiz will expose whether you used to skip classes to watch Nollywood movies.
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Tolani Tayo Osikoya Owner and Creative Director, Diary of a Kitchen Lover recently began what appeared to be an animated diary series, which was the curation of her experiences while building the established Diary of a Kitchen Lover (DOAKL) brand, recognized by many today.
Tolani had previously announced to her fans and followers via her Instagram of her intentions of starting a “Fresh New Chapter”. In what looked like a ‘Goodbye’ speech, the successful Food Blogger thanked everyone for the love and support thus far in establishing the Diary of a Kitchen Lover brand, according to her “the brand has grown tremendously over the years and now it is time for a New Chapter…” She also promised to share her success story before the unveiling of this New Chapter.
See post below:
Whilst she gave no hint as to what this New chapter is, in her newly released animated diary series, Tolani shared her struggles, the highs, the lows, achievements and how Diary of a Kitchen Lover (DOAKL) grew to become the recognised and successful brand it is today. This creative series is one that should inspire creatives such as herself, educating them on the importance of patience, hard work, perseverance, consistency and continuous improvement.
Check out the series below:
Her story is indeed impressive and inspiring for all goal-getters and we look forward to what her Next Chapter unfolds.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: He Needed Affection I Couldn’t Give
*Arinze (25) and *Ebi (25) love each other but broke up after dating exclusively for a month. In today’s episode of Love Life, they admit to their parts in the breakup and talk about navigating their new relationship as “friends with benefits who are in an undefined open relationship and often say ‘I love you’.”
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Arinze: We met on Grindr. I messaged him first, we exchanged Instagram handles and we kept texting for weeks. And then he blocked me because he thought I wasn’t into him.
Ebi: In my defence, he was giving lacklustre energy. He would only reply me but not make conversation. Then he cancelled our plans to meet like two or three times in the name of being “busy”. I think I’m an intense person, but after waiting for a change and it didn’t happen, I decided to stop the foolishness. My solution to life is “block and move on”, so I blocked him everywhere and moved on. Normally, I would have had a conversation about his lack of energy before I blocked him, but it just felt like too much for someone I just met, so I opted not to.
Arinze, were you giving lacklustre energy?
Arinze: In retrospect, I think so. If he had asked me, I would have given him my reasons. One, I’m very guarded with personal information when talking to new people; two, his Instagram page was empty so I had only a vague idea of what he looked like from the two photos he sent me. But I was enjoying some of the topics we were discussing, and finding out that he’d blocked me was a bit confusing. My Instagram messages were not being “seen” anymore, and I couldn’t find his account. I tried calling him to figure out why I was blocked, but apparently, he’d blocked me there too. That was when I concluded none of it was my problem and moved on.
Ebi: To be fair, I know him now and can say his behaviour then is just how it is. His schedule is pretty tight too.
So who unblocked who first?
Arinze: Funny enough, he didn’t block me on Grindr. A few weeks later, I saw him online and messaged him to ask if he forgot to block me there. That’s when he explained why he blocked me.
Ebi: Yeah, I blocked him everywhere but Grindr because I wanted to keep that door open.
Arinze: I found his explanation unsatisfactory, but I was willing to meet him because I thought he was fine and wanted to know if the dick hit.
We also seemed to have similar tastes in music, tv shows, books, pop culture, etc, and I was curious to find out if that would translate in real life. He asked if I wanted to come over, I said yes.
Ebi: After I blocked him, I got into an entanglement with some dude in an open relationship, so I didn’t need to go on Grindr. When it ended, I got back to the streets and installed Grindr again. When he texted me, I was partially happy to reconnect. We talked, he teased me for blocking him and being childish, I asked him if he would love to come over, we had sex. He was hotter and more handsome in person, I must add. And he’s a very smart spec of a guy.
LMAO. Romanzzzz. So what happened next?
Arinze: We were both interested in moving forward with being “exclusive”. We arranged a date to watch A Quiet Place 2 at the cinema, but this he-goat came late and we missed the film, so we had to go all the way to IMAX in Lekki. We ordered a lot of food, and made out a lot in the dark cinema room. That was our first date.
Ebi: Oh, we got very terrible chicken wings on that date. The next day, I sent him wings with a note that said “Palate cleanse to fix the disaster we had the day before”. On our second date, I asked him out and he said yes. It was my first relationship, and he said it was his too.
Arinze: We went on more dates, invaded each other’s privacy like animals, it was very consuming. We met on a Thursday, had our first date the following Monday and then the second date on Friday. The time we met on Grindr to when we started dating was about a month and a few weeks.
How did it feel to be in a relationship for the first time?
Arinze: It was good. Commitment felt good. It was my first exclusive relationship with someone I liked. It felt different in the beginning because I’m not used to checking in on people or talking to them constantly — morning, afternoon, evening — but I got used to it because I really liked him.
Ebi: For me, it was great! Arinze is really smart, funny, and very vast in trash (my kind of trash), so our conversations were amazing. Even though it was my first relationship, I didn’t need “practice” because I have so many friends I’m very affectionate towards, and he was someone new I was sleeping with and could be deeply affectionate with. Oh, and he sent me songs very often and I put all of them in a playlist and I typically play that playlist every day.
So, the relationship was all love and light?
Arinze: Yes, it was. We had inside jokes and got excited about the same things, which was great until we broke up a month later.
I’ll leave Ebi to give you the full details.
Ebi: LMAO. Okay, okay. Arinze is a great person, but throughout the relationship, I was concerned about the level of thoughtfulness I got from him. I’m a giving and very affectionate person, and while the goal of being that way is not to always receive, it’s not wild to expect my partner to match the energy. But I did not get the impression that Arinze was trying to match that energy.
I tried to rationalise it: does he not like me in the way that I like him; does he not have the capacity to be affectionate towards me; was he apprehensive of showing too much affection because it was too early in the relationship? It was a very confusing state, but I didn’t have a conversation with him because I wanted to give him space and give it time so I wouldn’t appear too pushy early in the relationship.
Did this work?
Arinze: We ended up breaking up on our one month anniversary.
Ebi: And even then, he did something too. He knew this was our first relationship and our one month anniversary was up in a week. It was on a Sunday. I know he likes staying in on Sundays, so a week before, I texted him: Our one month anniversary is up, I know you’re kinda busy and need to be booked 5 years in advance. Want to do something on that day? He said yes. We didn’t make concrete plans; but it was a marked date.
Even till the night before, he still did not agree to make any concrete plans. And then on the day of the anniversary, he “fell sick.” Him being ill wasn’t the problem, it’s that we made no plans or had anything for this important one month milestone for each of us. Even if the relationship wasn’t important, it’s our first relationship, and it lasted one month, so I expected fireworks for reaching that milestone.
On that day, there was still some lacklustre energy and I was already just overthinking the whole relationship, so I called him and had the first conversation about why I thought he wasn’t affectionate or intentional. I told him I had thought a lot about it and that I came to the conclusion that he just wasn’t wired to show me the kind of wholesome affection that I wanted. I told him it was hard for me, and trying to change him would take too long, so it was best for us to break up.
Oh wow. So sorry this happened.
Arinze: The crux of the matter was that Ebi didn’t think I was as thoughtful as he was because he felt like he was spending more money on me than I was on him. He might not want to admit this, but I think this was why he felt conflicted about the relationship. In my defense, we lived very far apart from each other — mainland to island — and it was too expensive for me to keep coming regularly. He never even offered to come over to my house to visit. Of course, sex at my parents’ was a no-no, but we definitely could have had fun if he came over.
Ebi: Thoughtfulness is not only about money. It’s showing you care for someone and they’re your priority, and you were not giving me that in the relationship. I wouldn’t deny that the money spending wasn’t a factor; I’m just saying it was less about that and more about the rest.
Also, I didn’t know coming over to your place was an option at all. My bad, I’m sorry.
Arinze: Fundamentally, I’m not a needy person. I’m always good on my own. And so, when we got together, my mindset was, “If this relationship doesn’t work, I’m going to be okay. I have been okay before this guy and I’ll be okay after him”. I didn’t know how to be “affectionate” in a new relationship because nobody ever needed me in that way before. And so, when he said to break up, I didn’t take it too hard. I understood he needed the kind of relationship I wasn’t able to give him at the moment.
Ebi: I think we approached the relationship very differently. I’ve also always been alone since forever; I mean, this is my first relationship and I’m twenty-five, so even though I’ve always been isolated, I knew if I got in a relationship, I would give my whole self and not bits of myself.
Arinze: Fair point, but I still feel like my not spending as much money on you was a big part of why you felt neglected in a way.
Ebi: Again, no. We are in different tax brackets. It would be ridiculous to have expected that. I guess I just wanted a better semblance of your affection and I wasn’t really seeing it.
Now that we have broken up, I have freed myself from expecting anything from him. Expectations can make you miserable, and I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where I am not fully satisfied. I simply take him as he is, outside the confines of a relationship, and now, we are just friends that sleep together.
Arinze: After the break-up, we talked about staying friends. But the sex had been good, and we were both unwilling to discard that. It was weird at first but we’ve definitely settled into it well.
Ebi: Until this guy sent me a drunk voice note saying, “I love you.”
Hay God. What is this plot twist?
Ebi: I was busy minding my FWB business one day, when I got a voice note, which is uncharacteristic of him because he doesn’t send voice notes. I play it, and it starts with a big sigh like he knew he was mad at himself for what he was about to admit, and then he goes, “I love you” in the softest tone I’ve ever heard. Before I could process it, he added, “Or maybe I don’t, or maybe I do, I don’t know.” Best believe I backed that VN up on all my cloud providers.
Arinze: Now, why would you even save that VN? Are you down bad? See, I got drunk on a work afternoon because I had some vodka, and I sent him that VN with a couple of other messages about the world coming to an end and God being real.
Ebi: And here’s the most interesting thing. It was the first time he was saying that to me.
You both never said “I love you” during the relationship?
Ebi: I knew I loved him even before we broke up, but I never said and then there was the breakup. I didn’t think it would ever be said. When he sent me the VN, I didn’t say it back because he was drunk, and I needed to hear him say it to my face. But I made a playlist of songs that said “I love you” and sent it to him that evening. We met the next day, and I told him to his face after we discussed the circumstances surrounding it. The conversation felt freeing, because finally, I could interrupt him mid-sex to say I love you.
Arinze: Okay, this is melting my icy heart. I mean, I do also love you, just so you know. And I will always love you no matter what because our foundation was unconventional but also pretty solid. I feel like I have known you literally my whole life.
So what would you call what you have?
Ebi: I don’t know… Friends with benefit with a sprinkle of I love you and a side of undefined open relationship?
Arinze: Are you sure you’re sober?
LOL. So how are you navigating sleeping with other people, now that you’ve both said “I love yous”?
Ebi: Oddly, there’s nothing different, at least for me. My I love you was me letting him know I love him; I’m not sure it has changed anything in general.
Arinze: Same here.
Do you ever think you’ll get back together?
Ebi: We started the relationship knowing we were both moving to different countries, so that has always been an underlying “plan”. I think a relationship might be hard to fathom for now because of the constraint of distance, but I definitely love the affectionate man he’s becoming. If we’re in the same city, I’d definitely love to explore that.
Arinze: I really don’t know. I’m not an intuitive person or a person who likes to think about the future, but I definitely enjoy what we have now. God is unpredictable and men are trash, so I hope whatever is in the future is good.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Sex Life newsletter, so sign up here.
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Help Zikoko keep making the content you love
More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.
When shopping for beauty products in Nigeria, one of the most important things to consider is the price. It might be frustrating to pay more than you should for a product you love but it’s always better to have quality over quantity. The best way to find the best prices for beauty products is by looking at online stores such as Oriflame where you can buy products online or in-store and TradeMe, where sellers post their items and buyers can browse through them.
Even though many people don’t think highly of skin-caring products, in a study conducted in 800 villages it was estimated that 34.7% of the population had developed some kind of skin disease which are preventable and treatable.
This wouldn’t have been the case if people would have used some kind of skincare product, so you should really think again of the importance that creams have on your skin.
Anti-aging skin products in Nigeria
Skin is the largest organ in the human body and one of the most visible ones. Skin helps regulate temperature, moisture, and provides a barrier against germs and pollutants. Skin also acts as a body’s biggest filter by absorbing large amounts of bad stuff before getting inside the bloodstream.
The skin has a variety of benefits for health, such as providing a supporting structure for all body tissues, protecting against germs, and protecting vital organs from harm. Skin can be damaged by UV radiation, aging, and environmental toxins.
Hand Cream Brands to Consider in Nigeria and Their Health Benefits
If you’re looking for a new hand cream to keep your hands soft and moisturized, there are many hand cream brands available in Nigeria such as Oriflame, Clinique, Caudalie, Eucerin and more. Kimbino’s leaflets offer amazing discounts on hand creams and not only, have a look for yourself and treat your skin the way it deserves to.
Hand creams have many health benefits for your skin, and even though these creams are often overlooked by people, they serve a wide variety of health purposes. They help protect your skin against environmental pollutants, dryness, and damage from UV rays.
Scrub for Treating Face Skin and Body Skin
Scrub products are a great way to exfoliate your skin and cleanse pores while also promoting healthy skin. These products are usually made with natural ingredients such as oatmeal, sugar, and salt. The scrub is the active ingredient that creates a deep cleansing experience on the skin that is often followed by moisturizing agents.
However, scrubbing for a good skincare routine can be challenging. In order to get the most out of this scrub, you must focus on what your skincare needs are. It can be difficult to determine what the right scrub is for you because of how many products there are on the market. A popular scrub that works well is called the Lush Together Scrub, which helps exfoliate and remove dirt from your skin.
Lip Balm for Keeping Your Skin Healthy
Your lips are one of your most important assets. They are the gateway for all the moisture and lip balms you need to keep your skin healthy and smooth.
Lip balms contain cells that produce a natural oil called sebum that keeps them moisturized and healthy. Unfortunately, these oils can make your lips look shiny and greasy which can lead to a dry, cracked appearance. To get rid of this unsightly appearance, you should use a lip scrub or exfoliate with sugar. So, be careful when you use lip balms, and make sure to choose a quality one.
Face Moisturizer for a Healthy Skin
If you’re wondering what moisturizer is the best, you’re not alone. Finding the right product can make all the difference for your skin. Going through numerous trial and error products can be time-consuming and exhausting. As a result, many people end up settling with whatever their dermatologist recommends at the time.
However, Oriflame and Clinique have a lot of options to pick from when trying to settle for a face moisturizer. Have a look at the product description carefully before buying the product that you like since you have to make sure that it will be suited for your skin type.
Conclusion
There are a lot of skincare products out on the market today. Some are effective and some aren’t. There is so much information that it can be hard to know what to trust and what not to trust. You can never go wrong with the suggestions that we made in the article, and don’t forget the importance that skincare products have on your skin, be that your face or body.
Lagos is on the list of the most expensive cities to live in Nigeria. However, by many accounts, the quality of life in the city is not the best. I spoke to a few Nigerian living in Lagos about how they get by and the financial cost of living in the city.
1. Amanda, 26
“Living in Lagos is ridiculously expensive and the quality of life is poor. I’m aware of my privilege and I think my cost of living would be exponentially more expensive if I wasn’t living with my parents. We’re not spending too much or saving too much, we just don’t have money. The jobs don’t pay enough. However, the chaos in the city keeps me grounded, so I’ll take what I can. “
Occupation: Management consultant.
Monthly income: My salary is ₦100k a month. I get an additional ₦90k from my parents. Also, I get dividends from stocks. While they don’t come in every month, they run into ₦1m every year.
Feeding: ₦30k. I live with my parents and my feeding budget would have been nothing if I don’t eat out. I go to the office three times a week and I spend about ₦1k on lunch. Also, I spend ₦5k on Tacos every other Tuesday.
Accommodation: I don’t pay rent. My parents live in a 3-bedroom apartment on the Island. I think a 3-bedroom apartment in the area costs about ₦2.2m.
Transportation: ₦40k. I have a car and my dad gives me ₦10k every week for fuel. I don’t go out unless it’s a work thing so that does it for me. However, there are times I spend an additional ₦2k-₦4k on fuel.
Utilities: I don’t pay the power bill. Occasionally, I offer to buy diesel for the generator and this is between ₦9k and ₦16k. However, this is far and in-between and I don’t consider it a major expense.
Flex: I don’t have a flex budget. Anything I don’t save goes into this. But I’ll put the figure at ₦50k. The money mostly goes into buying my skincare products and investing in my wardrobe.
Savings: I save ₦40k from my salary and ₦40k from what I get from my parents. I still think I’m living above my means though.
2. Ronke, 27
“Lagos is all hype.It’s like everyone is surviving but not thriving. I’m praying for a breakthrough that will up my lifestyle and an opportunity to change location. “
Occupation: Teacher
Monthly income: ₦70k
Feeding: ₦25k. I cook all the food I eat and take lunch to work. I don’t eat out at all and I don’t spend a lot of money on groceries because I don’t eat a lot.
Accommodation: ₦100k for a room self-contained apartment in Berger. The average cost of self-contained apartments where I live is between ₦150k and ₦200k.
Transportation: ₦5k. I live very close to work and I rarely go out.
Utilities: My neighbours and I split the power bill with my neighbours, and my share is ₦1k. I don’t spend money on laundry — I wash my clothes myself.
Flex: I set aside ₦10k every month to buy something nice for myself. The bills are rarely on me when I hang out with my male friends because they take care of it.
3. Keji, 26
“I’m not exactly happy living in Lagos. This place is not good for my health and personality. I’m here because I don’t have another choice. The crime rate has also increased, which means I’m not safe. Going out requires a lot of planning to evade traffic and crime hotspots.”
Occupation: Graphics Designer and Content Writer
Monthly Income: My 9-5 pays me ₦132k. Side gigs bring in between 0-₦100k
Feeding: ₦40k. My younger siblings live with me and we cook a lot. However, I’m looking at ways to cut the feeding budget because there’s an increase in the price of food every time I visit the market.
Accommodation: ₦120k for a studio apartment in Alimosho LGA. I don’t consider rent a monthly expense because my 13th-month salary can take care of it. My landlord has been moving mad lately and has stopped maintaining the property. I may have to move out soon.
The average cost of studio apartments in the area is between ₦150k – ₦300k depending on the quality of the apartment.
Transportation: ₦6k. I go to work once in a week, so I don’t spend a lot on transport. I rarely go anywhere else. For the occasional outings, I rely on Bolt and Uber rides.
Utilities: ₦14k. Power is relatively stable where I live so I don’t use my generator often. I think the power bill is reasonable.
Flex: I don’t have a budget for this. If I feel like going out, I consider the impact it will have on my finances for the week or month before I make a decision.
Savings: Between ₦50k and ₦90k. It depends on how much I earn that month.
4. Dammy, 23
“There’s no such thing as too much money in Lagos. Just cut your coat according to your size.”
Occupation: Designer
Monthly income: ₦300k+
Feeding: >₦32k. On average, I spend ₦6k on groceries and other foodstuffs every week. On days I order food, I spend about ₦3500 per meal.
Accommodation: ₦500k. I have only had my place for less than a year. It’s a 2-bedroom apartment I share with a flatmate.
Transportation: ₦24k. I don’t have a car, so I use Bolt and Uber to move around. I spend an average of ₦6k per week on transport.
Utilities: ₦17k. Light and cleaning expenses are about ₦N12k monthly. I spend about ₦5k on laundry every month.
Flex: I don’t particularly have a budget for this. I put aside ₦10k every month for books though. I don’t have a budget when I go out but I can spend up to ₦10k or more on one occasion.
5. Olufunmi, 25
Occupation: Software Tester
Monthly income: ₦130k
“Living in Lagos is about survival. My quality of life is 4/10.”
Accommodation: ₦200k. I live in a very tiny self-contained room in Yaba. The bathroom is ensuite but the kitchen is not, and I share it with three other neighbours. Now my landlady wants to increase the rent to ₦250k. I’ve managed to convince her not to increase the rent this year but now, I have to fix the roof of my apartment myself. That will cost ₦25k
Feeding: ₦40k. I buy food in bulk at the beginning of the month. My basic foodstuff runs into ₦25k. The other groceries cost ₦15k. However, the price of food has increased. A litre of vegetable oil has jumped from ₦700 to ₦1700. A crate of eggs is now ₦1500 from ₦850.
Transportation: >₦6k. I only go out for work and church. I spend an average of ₦300 on my daily commute. My church is in Ikeja and I spend about ₦1k on a round trip when I take public transport. On days when I want to flex, I order a bolt ride — a trip is about ₦1300.
Utilities: ₦2500. My power bill is ₦2k and waste management is ₦500.
Flexing: The only thing I flex on is my GoTV subscription and it costs ₦2500. I don’t go out.
Savings: I try to save ₦60k a month to make rent. When that’s settled, I use what I have left to change my daughter’s wardrobe and splurge on things we’ve both wanted for some time.
6. Oluwadamilola, 21
“Living in Lagos is not easy. It’s the survival of the richest. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m just 21. While the quality of my life is good, I think it can be better.”
Occupation: Call centre representative (NYSC)
Monthly income: ₦58k. 9-5: ₦25k. Allawee: 3₦3k
Feeding: ₦15k. I live with my parents and they take care of that. But on days I don’t eat at home, I buy food and this costs between ₦500 and ₦1000 per meal. My favourite places to go to are the mama-put restaurants and chicken republic.
Accommodation: Haha, I live with my folk in a 4-bedroom apartment at Ogba. The average cost of rent for similar apartments in my estates ranges from ₦1.3m to ₦1.5.
If I was living alone, I imagine I’d be somewhere at Yaba and paying ₦300k for a studio apartment.
Transportation: ₦25k. I rely on the public buses on most days and spend between ₦700 and ₦800 daily.
Utilities: I don’t worry about those thanks to my parents.
Flex: I don’t have a budget anymore. I haven’t gone out in about three months because I can’t afford it.
Savings: I have a friend abroad who sends me ₦20k every month. That goes straight to my savings.
Zikoko can tolerate many things, but what we won’t tolerate is vintage revere shirt slander. They’re like the perfect pieces of clothing for any guy. Here are 7 reasons why we don’t allow vintage revere shirt slander in this house.
1. You can wear them anywhere
You can wear vintage shirts anywhere. Your mom’s 50th birthday party? Vintage shirts. Your uncle’s burial? Vintage shirt. Getting married? Just throw a tux on top of your vintage shirt.
2. They’re good enough to wear in any weather.
Too hot? Wear a vintage shirt. Harmattan is killing everybody? You can wear a vintage shirt. You might almost freeze to death but your swag should keep you warm.
3. They don’t make you sweaty
Imagine wearing shirts that’ll leave you dripping sweat everywhere? Couldn’t be vintage shirts.
4. They look great on bearded guys
If you have a beard and you think you’re pulling attention, imagine wearing a vintage revere shirt. Finish work.
5. Looks even better on bald guys
Shave your skull and wear vintage. Just wait till people start texting you “Hey, big head ”
6. You can leave the top button open and let people see your cleavage
If your inner ashewo wants to come out, you can leave a button or two off your vintage shirt, let people see the bad boy that you are.
7. It’s easy to take off
You can easily take this light shirt off in case it…gets wet.
8. It shows people that you are a man of taste
What better way to tell people you have good taste? That’s right.
More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.
A lot has happened in this season of BBNaija. We all thought the show was going to be boring in comparison to past seasons, but the housemates have amped up the drama and keep bringing entertainment to our screens. Here are some of our favourite tweets chronicling this week’s events on BBNaija.
1. Big Brother clearing Maria and defending Angel.
Please inject this in my veins!. The ”boys will always be boys” statement Maria made in an attempt to slut-shame Angel was quickly dismissed when Biggie came to Angel’s defence. We live for more moments like this on the show.
If you pay close attention to the show, you’d have noticed the intense slut-shaming Angel has received from both male and female housemates. Anyway, Angel Micheal came to her defence this week too.
First big brother defending with his full chest, now Michael vindicating her.. God of Angel, her battles steady being fought while she’s cruising #BBNaijapic.twitter.com/gv1dJqYo5U
5. Pere’s poor attempt at intimidating White Money.
The blowout on Monday was a poor attempt at intimidating White Money. Pere needs to explain what he has against everyone’s favourite net-singlet-loving Igbo man.
6. Cross and Emmanuel trying to figure out Pere’s behaviour.
Pere’s behaviour was totally silly and uncalled for, so Cross calling him demonic was good content for the viewers. It was refreshing seeing men stand up against the silly behaviour of other men.
Cross: WhiteMoney has patience sha I no go lie
Emmanuel: even person wey de owe me money I no go approach am like that
JMK has not brought in as much content as she promised us, but this was a moment worth documenting. We love Big Brother for his witty comebacks this season.
JMK: Big brother can we get a self care or spa day . I need pedicure , massage nd all that good stuff
Biggie : do you have some abeg naira
JMK: BB im broke
Biggie: people with no money shouldnt be thinking of luxury items, wouldnt u agree? #BBNaija
11. Jackie and Maria. (Ofcourse, Maria is gossiping)
Jackie has not really shown us a lot of content. Her body is mad sha and she is a serious gossip.
She called Angel dumb as fuck, blamed her for being slut shamed by Sammie because of the way she carried herself. Also, this is the Jackie that Angel owes some type of loyalty ?#bbnaijapic.twitter.com/k4wopozGMF
Getting over people isn’t the easiest thing, so it’s no surprise that not everyone knows how to get over someone. We’ve all had a period where we’ve had to do it. Sometimes it’s someone we were never even in a relationship with. Being the absolute sweethearts that we are, we’re going to tell you how to get over someone.
1. Accept it
You have to accept the fact that things have changed between you and them. There’s not much else you can do. Don’t fight it, just accept it. You might feel like it’s the end of the world, but it’s not. People might think crying is bad, but not really. Cry if you have to. Some kinds of tears reset your brain.
2.Talk to your friends
Talk to your friends, your mum, your therapist, anybody you’re comfortable with really. Just talk to someone. They might troll you a bit, but they’ll be there for you at the end of the day. This is also great for when you need someone to keep you in check and to prevent you from texting them.
3.Block them
If seeing them on social media is too much for you, block them. Nobody will beat you. And for goodness sake, don’t stalk them after blocking them. You can also delete their number so you won’t be tempted to call or text them. Deleting pictures and messages is a huge step too. No looking back at old messages and getting in your feelings.
4.Go out more
If the other steps don’t work, start wearing less and going out more. One, two or ten nights of partying or going to the movies should help. Meet new people, party, go to a bookstore, go to the beach. Anywhere that means you’re not locked in your room is fine. Just go out.
5.Distract yourself
Find ways to distract yourself. Start working out, start a new project, find new hobbies, watch TV more. That game night you’ve been planning on hosting for four months? Now is the time to host it. Honestly, the list is endless. There will always be something to distract you.
6.Be kind to yourself
Accept the instances where you were wrong and work on them, but be kind to yourself. Don’t let the situation define you. And most importantly, remember that there’s no shortage of good people in the world. You’ll meet someone else eventually.
Nollywood lover boys are the blueprint for modern-day nice guys. They all had one script and to be fair, they bodied it well. Here are 8 things you need to be a Nollywood loverboy.
1. Be broke
Nollywood lover boys had to be broke to move the plot. That’s the only way Rita Dominic’s character can dump a bowl of dirty water on you so you can think about your life?
2. Write love letters or poems
You don’t even have to be good at it, just pour all your feelings on paper and send a small child to deliver it to your love interest.
3. Go after the most happening babe on campus
You can’t be a good Nollywood lover boy without audacity. The babe you must fall in love with has to be beautiful, rich and way above your league.
4. Be Emeka Ike
Nobody played this role better than him. This role exists solely because of him and he bodied it every time. What a man.
5. Become magically rich
How can you suffer since you were born and not eventually make it? Come on. One day you’ll help a man who doesn’t have a child, he will take you under his wings, buy you new clothes, give you a job and eventually you will inherit all he has.
6. Have a sick mother
How dare you be poor and your mother will be of sound health? Every time she comes on the scene, she must look like she’s about to die. She must also be against you falling in love with your rich love interest. Why? Because your love interest is obviously spoilt and won’t be able to cook. Your mother doesn’t want you to starve. So what if you have hands to cook your own food? The game is the game.
7. Have an annoying best friend
Your best friend’s role is to warn you against pursuing that girl you like because she is bad news. They only exist to talk about your relationship and to invite you to eat the food that you didn’t contribute to.
8. Have another character that likes you
This character must go out of her way to make you happy, but you must dislike her. She will cook for your sick mother, buy you clothes, give your siblings pocket money and the best way to pay her of course is by shouting at her to leave your broke ass alone. Spoiler alert, you eventually realise that you love her after the rich babe’s father arrests you 10 times.
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Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.
Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.
Zikoko: Hi everyone. Zikoko is pleased to have you here today.
Breasts: But are we pleased to have Zikoko?
Bum Bum: Ahan, Breasts. Stop being rude.
Breasts: Um, excuse me? The interviewer said something and I asked a question based on that. Could you please do me a favour and point out where the rudeness is?
Bum Bum: Oh, please don’t play that game with me. We grew up together, I know you so well.
Breasts: Point of correction — we grew up in different parts of the same house. I live in the front yard, you dominate the backyard. We literally do not have any interactions. Please and please, don’t try to claim any familiarity because we are in public.
Okay, I think we started on the wrong foot… Hello once again. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Bum Bum: Thank you for contacting us. I am glad to be here.
Breasts: Yeah, what Bum Bum said.
Would you like some—
Breasts: Our Madam said you had things to discuss, and that’s why I’m here. So, if you don’t mind, could you please get to it? I’ve been in this bra all day and I need to get out of them so I can be free to roam around.
Bum Bum: Ah, no oh. This is where I must talk.
Breasts: About what?
Bum Bum: Don’t blame your rudeness on the bra. Afterall, I am currently experiencing the same discomfort.
What discomfort is that?
Bum Bum: I’ve been in jeans all day, and before that , there’s also panties which won’t stop entering my crack. But with how annoying all of that is, I’m still not losing my cool.
Breasts: Okay, and so?
Bum Bum: What I’m saying is that you are naturally rude, and the earlier you admit to that, the better your chances of you moving forward in life.
Breasts: LMAO. You must think I’m in the same position as you are.
Please, let this not lead to an argument. We are peace-loving at Zikoko.
Breasts: Listen to me, Bum Bum. I am already forward and that’s where I will continue to be. I don’t have to pretend to be humble or fake any kind of attitude in order to “move forward.” If you like, you can fake all the humility in the world, that’s your business. You will always remain at the back.
Oh, and you can try moving forward, but I will gladly show you an example of what that would look like.
Do am if e easy.
That’s NSFW, Breasts. Please take note.
Breasts: Sorry, I’ll do better.
Bum Bum: Amen oh.
Breasts: You mentioned something about panties being caught between your cheeks…
Bum Bum: I’ve moved on from that issue, Breasts. In fact, I am—
Can we pick something else to discuss?
Breasts: Look, I hate to compare suffering, but me and you, Bum Bum, our suffering is not the same. On the worst days,you’re covered by panties. But a bra? It is the worst cage I have ever been kept in. Sometimes, the straps will dig into our Madam’s shoulders and she’ll forcefully adjust it without thinking about my feelings. Sometimes even, wire from the bra will poke my skin.
Tell me, why else do you think bras are the first thing that gets removed on getting home? There is no greater joy than being free from the bounds of a bra.
That’s such a moving story. Sorry for what you go through.
Breasts: Please keep your apologies.
Bum Bum: So why then did you tell it if you don’t want them to tell you sorry?
Breasts: Do you even—
I’m going to stop you right there. Tempers are heated, so I’ll just ask a few more questions and leave you both to sort out your issues.
Bum Bum: “A few questions”. Hmm. Why do I feel like I know what you want to ask next?
Breasts: LMAO we all know what he wants to ask, but let’s pretend.
Wait oh, have you both settled your fight?
Breasts: When it comes to that question we know you are about to ask, we unite to tackle it.
Bum Bum: Lol you people think you are smart.
Um, I feel left out. Can you please tell me what the question is?
Breasts: Hian.
Bum Bum: Zikoko, no dey pretend. Ask what you want to ask.
Breasts: Yes, we are listening.
Alright. So… there is a constant argument about who is the greater one between Breasts and Bum Bum, and—
[Breasts and Bum Bum burst into laughter]
Bum Bum: I knew it!
Breasts: You people are so predictable.
Does this mean you will answer the question?
Breasts: First of all, I do not exist for men to wake up and make decisions about who is greater between me and my fellow sister.
Bum Bum: Preach sis!
Breasts: I have elevated myself beyond the male gaze and I shall not be brought low for the sake of cheap comparisons.
Bum Bum: Even if we will compare ourselves, will it now be for men?
No, women also—
Breasts: Oga please. Don’t even start. Do you know the rubbish I have suffered in the hands of men?
Bum Bum: The interviewer does not have breasts. Tell him your experience so he can know what his people are doing on Ngozi Ezeonu’s internet.
Breasts: My Madam will post a photo and men will come under to comment “Fallen heroes.” “Oluympus has fallen.” Like, first of all, Mr. Man, you are the one whose brain has fallen.
Bum Bum: See ehn. His life has fallen apart and he doesn’t even know.
Breasts: Now, women are afraid to post photos where they are wearing clothes with plunging necklines because of the he-goats that come to post rubbish under their photos. Some of these men don’t even have decorum. A breast cancer survivor will post photos and they will be there acting as breast constables.
I always beg our Madam to let me fight them, but she doesn’t like trouble, so she just deletes their comments and moves on.
Bum Bum: LOL please. What would you have done if our Madam gave you permission to fight?
Breasts: Plenty! First of all, if God intended me to stand at attention, he would have put bones inside me. So why are they bothering me?
Secondly, I am ashamed of these men. Many of them have not even touched real breasts. They watch porn and come out expecting breasts with nipples that are pointing towards the heavens. If any man knows he wants firm breasts, he should walk into the hospital and ask them how much it would cost to install silicone in his chest.
Bum Bum: Sorry dear. You are really trying. Uneasy lies the breasts that wear the bra.
Breasts: I tell you! At the end of the day, it’s all these things that make me greater than you.
Bum Bum: It’s like you are sick. You are greater than who?
Ahan. Another fight has started so soon?
Breasts: Bum Bum, I literally serve multiple functions. I make clothes fit better, for starters. That’s an aesthetic purpose. I produce milk to nurse babies, and sometimes, adventurous men like to suck on me. I provide a resting place for tired heads, and during sex, I perform a lot of functions I don’t even want to start mentioning here.
Bum Bum: Sorry oh, multipurpose supermarket. Is it now me that does not serve any purpose?
Breasts: Okay, mention them.
Bum Bum: I am aesthetic; I make jeans fit better. I even—, I—
Breasts: LMAO, go on now. You literally cannot produce milk, and try as you may, men cannot rest their heads on you.
I guess we have our winner.
Bum Bum: Not yet. Tell me, Breasts, if you are that perfect, why do women with big breasts complain of backache? In fact, why do you get tender and painful during periods? And you literally cannot keep secrets. When madam is aroused, your mouth has already become pointed, cho-cho, begging for attention.
Breasts: Versatility dear. You cannot relate if you don’t have the range.
Bum Bum: AT LEAST MEN EAT ME!
Breasts: Oh, so it’s me they don’t suck? Look at this joker.
Bum Bum: So, you are—
Breasts: Look, Bumbum, you have lost this argument. I am greater than you. Period. Maybe when you get better points, you can come back and argue. Right now, I have no argument to give. I need to get out of this bra so our landlady can massage me to check for lumps.
[Breasts walk out]
Wow. I am impressed! Bum Bum, thank you for coming. Will you drink water before you go?
Bum Bum:[Lost in thought]
Bum Bum?
Bumbum: [jolted back to reality] IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME, HOW COME SOME WOMEN ARE CONSIDERING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY? WHY IS THERE NO BUM BUM REDUCTION SURGERY?
In fact, a man denied his mother because of me.
Has anyone denied their parents for breasts?
Erm, Bum Bum. It’s like you have lost this argument oh. Shey you will you start going?
Bum Bum: I’ll go. Please ask them to open the front door for me so I can pass.
Front what? No oh. Breasts has passed there. Please use the backdoor.
Bum Bum: God will punish you.
You are the one who lost the argument. Isn’t that a clear sign of punishment?
Bum Bum: Wow. All of you at Zikoko are scum!
[Bumbum walks out angrily]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.
The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
Today’s subject on Abroad Life left Nigeria for the first time in 2015. After seven years and ten countries, she’s now finally settled in the US for her PhD. She talks about living in the Gulf, being underwhelmed by America and keeping her marriage stable by travelling to the UK frequently to see her husband.
When did you decide that you wanted to leave Nigeria?
My decision to leave Nigeria was borne out of my desire, early in life, to be an academic. I grew up in Ajegunle where I had to hide under tables in school when area fights broke out to avoid getting hurt. I was going through all of this, but inside, I wanted to enjoy school, get a master’s and a PhD.
I didn’t strongly consider leaving Nigeria until NYSC.
What happened during NYSC?
I got an opportunity to do my master’s abroad. Before that, I’d gone to university in Nigeria — there’s a hilarious story about how I went behind my parents’ backs to study a different course than they wanted me to. I thought they would be angry, but they supported my decision.
After uni, I decided to give back to my community by exposing children around me to a different kind of life. I taught them in the evenings, showed them technology and a different reality outside Ajegunle. NYSC year was the ghetto because in addition to my PPA job, I got a private lesson teaching job on the island, I sold drinks in the evenings and I continued my evening classes too.
I was trying to make ends meet and support my parents.
Nice. So when did you leave?
When I finished NYSC in 2015. During NYSC, I applied for programmes in different schools abroad and got a fully-funded scholarship to study in a country in the Gulf.
What country?
I’m not disclosing.
Haha, okay. Why the Gulf?
Because of the funding. Someone I knew was already there, so they helped with the process. I got free accommodation, and I was paid a monthly stipend to be a student there. You know the craziest part?
Tell me.
The university is an abroad campus of a top UK University. I couldn’t have afforded studying in the main campus without funding.
Whoa. What was it like living in this Gulf country?
You know the terms “Arab money” and “Oil money”? It’s not a lie. What my eyes saw in that place was marvelous. The infrastructure, the people, the culture; everything was just so rich. I could be standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus thinking the person beside me was also waiting for a bus. Two minutes later, a Ferrari would pull up and pick them. The quality of life there was splendid— things were more developed and fast-paced.
When did you leave the Gulf?
I left almost immediately after my master’s ended in 2017. I applied for jobs in the Gulf country and then went back to Nigeria.
How did it feel returning to Nigeria?
I returned to Nigeria with about ₦3 million — money I’d saved up from my monthly stipends. That was the first time I considered myself a millionaire. I had a few plans. I wanted to do my PhD and also make some money by investing some of the money I had.
When I went to a Nigerian university to apply for my PhD, they were shocked. It was almost like they were saying, “What are you doing back in Nigeria, and why is it here you’re choosing to do your PhD?”
On the business end, someone introduced me to an “investment opportunity”. I didn’t understand the details, but I would give them money and receive profits spanned out over time before I got my full capital back.
This sounds like a scam.
The way it worked, when you gave them capital, they would give you a cheque in the exact value of your capital so that if they couldn’t pay, you could cash it out.
I invested ₦500,000 and got ₦50,000 every week until I made a profit, and then I got my full capital back. It felt so good making money that easily.
I hadn’t been in Nigeria for long when I got called back to the Gulf because a job I applied for was waiting for me.
Nice!
Because I wanted to give my parents a steady source of income while I was away, I decided to do the investment thing again, but this time with ₦1 million. All the money was going to be for them.
Please tell me it didn’t end in tears.
I got ₦100,000 every two weeks a few times, and then nothing else. I couldn’t even reach out to them.
Wow.
I had a cheque this time also, and I left it with a cousin in Nigeria. When I stopped getting my money, I told them to give a banker friend to check if I could cash it. I found out that no one could cash it in the absence of the account owner.
Did you reach out to the person that introduced you to this investment scheme?
She was really embarrassed. She told me it wasn’t a scam and that the person she got me involved with got really sick and that was why he couldn’t pay. He was in a lot of debt. She said the entire thing affected her reputation. After some time, she reached back out to me, gave me ₦300,000 and told me I could refund her after I got my money back. I didn’t get the money back sha.
My friends think I was scammed. I don’t think I was.
It is what it is. How long did you stay in the Gulf this time?
One year. I enjoyed staying there because apart from the money I was making, I got to travel a lot.
Where did you go?
Georgia, Turkey, Italy, the UAE, Oman, South Africa, and a few other places.
All of this with your Nigerian passport?
Yes. It was easy getting the visas because I wasn’t applying from Nigeria, and I could prove that I had money and a good job, so I wasn’t going to go from living in the Gulf to living in those other places.
Why did you leave?
I got a fully-funded scholarship to do my PhD in the US. It’s a five-year program. I’m in my third year.
Goals. What was moving to the US like?
Let me use a Lagos analogy — it felt like I was moving from VGC or Ikoyi or somewhere really nice on Lagos Island to Surulere. America is nice, but the country I was coming from was new. I also don’t stay in a big city like New York or Chicago, so it didn’t really feel like I was moving to the America people shouted so much about. Maybe another reason I felt like that was that I had a lot of expensive fun with my friends in the Gulf, and in the US, I’m just here for school. The quality of life you get abroad depends on your purpose for living there and your income bracket.
I like that I can leave my slow-paced city and visit the big city whenever I miss it. That balance and choice is great.
One thing I don’t enjoy about the US is that my husband isn’t here.
Where is he?
He’s in the UK, getting his PhD, also on a fully-funded scholarship. We met a few years ago through a friend and finally decided to meet in-person in Georgia — the country. He asked me out in 2019, and we got married this year.
How do you manage a long distance relationship?
We travel to see each other a lot. Right now, I’m in the UK with him. The money we spend on flights, rent in both countries and the general cost of living is sometimes scary. We could be using all that money to travel around the world or giving back to our Nigerian communities.
Recently, I was travelling to the UK from the US and got stopped at the airport because the Irish airline I was going with was going to do a stopover in Ireland and I couldn’t stopover in Ireland with my Nigerian passport. My ticket was invalid unless I could get an Irish transit visa or a different passport that wasn’t Nigerian on the spot. I couldn’t miss his birthday, so we had to buy another ticket on the spot. $2000. I wanted to cry. But I made it in time for his birthday, and we had a nice time. It’s just those little things.
Omo.
It’s even crazier when I tell you that because we’re both on fully-funded scholarships, we’re allowed to work only on campus for a limited number of hours. That $2000 could have gone into our savings.
What are your plans for after you both graduate?
What we say is that we let God and opportunities be our guiding force. We want to give back to Nigerian communities, teach in Nigeria and all, and we already do that because we both run programmes that help young people in Nigeria. However, the truth is, we’ve both been exposed to a different quality of life in our journey through life, and it’ll be hard going back to Nigeria. The trick is to find the balance.
Hey there! My name is David and I’m the writer of Abroad Life. If you’re a Nigerian and you live or have lived abroad, I would love to talk to you about what that experience feels like and feature you on Abroad Life. All you need to do is fill out this short form, and I’ll be in contact.
This quiz is the only way to separate the clean people from the gross people.
Try now to know where you fall.
Questions
This is a question
Tick everything that applies to you:
You got #{score}/#{total}
You're either very clean or a liar living a fake life.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You're still upcoming in this game. Next rated on these iyama streets.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You're half in and half out. Better make up your mind before the Nigerian government bans fence sitters.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Ahan. Commander in chief of the Federal Republic of Iyama. Don't be shy, this is a safe space and we won't insult you too much.
Help Zikoko keep making the content you love
More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.
So, have you ever felt like you need to beat some people you work with? Well, if you were not sure which things are enough for a fight to happen, we are here for you. These are nine reasons why you should fight your coworker.
Imagine sitting through a long ass meeting that you know very well could have been sent as an email? That is enough to declare war even. Especially if the meeting stopped you from doing all the things you had already planned for that week. Whatever that coworker sees, they should take it like that.
2) Texts after work hours
It’s as if some coworkers don’t understand the meaning of “office hours”. If they did, they won’t be sending you emails and texts at 10 pm in the night, or if they’re truly unhinged, 1 am in the morning. Tell them to pull up.
3) Their ridiculous deadlines
Some coworkers just give deadlines without factoring in if you have any other thing to do. So what if they need it by 2 pm today? Why are they telling you by 11 am? Tell them to ask their dad, please. If you have any coworkers that do this, Zikoko gives you permission to fight them.
4) Never responding to work messages on time
What makes it extra annoying is that they are the same people that if you don’t reply on time, they will pour water in hellfire and cause a commotion. These kinds of people need to actually get beaten. So, fight your coworker.
Imagine shouting in the office that you are hungry and then your coworker has the audacity to order food without telling you. At this point, consider them your enemy and declare war.
6) If they make you come to the office when you don’t need to
Once they put semi in front of the remote work, wahala started. A lot of people don’t understand the concept of semi-remote work. If they start demanding your presence at work for no reason, then they clearly have a problem with you only a fight can settle.
When the sound of your slack notification makes you anxious because you are scared they are texting, then it is time to remind yourself this person is flesh and blood. The only way to do that is through violence.
8) Always dumping extra work on you
Anyone that gives you extra work without extra pay is the person your spiritual leader keeps warning you about. Don’t take the warning lightly o. While the spiritual leader handles the spiritual, you should tackle the physical.
9) They never inform you about office changes
If you have a coworker that never informs you when important changes are made in the office then you need to off shirt and face them, adult, to adult. The winner takes all, the loser faces shame.
The important thing is that you have to win this fight. Your reputation and ours cannot spoil like that. If you want to know more on what is inside this life, please click here
Help Zikoko keep making the content you love
More than ever, people are turning to Zikoko for stories that matter and content they love. But still, we, like many media organisations, are feeling the financial heat of these times. If you find us valuable, please make a contribution to help keep Zikoko zikoko-ing.
Memes come in very handy when you are tired of using words to threaten your onigbese. You need to let them be able to visualize how you really feel about their actions and help them feel some shame. Here are some memes you can send to your shameless debtor.
1. Rendered speechless.
Because you are in utter disgust and disbelief that they can continue living life and enjoying themselves while owing you money. They clearly have no shame, they are still going around shining teeth. This meme will help them know you are truly speechless that an onigbese can continue enjoying life.
2. ‘I’ll be your nightmare’.
This meme is definitely going to scare that onigbese, they need to know they’ll soon start seeing you in their dreams if they don’t pay soon enough.
3. Laughing mysteriously.
Any debtor that doesn’t tremble at the sight of this meme is a superior debtor and should be treated like a criminal. A woman holding a gun and laughing doesn’t seem like a woman that should be messed with.
Again, you need them to know that you are confused and irritated by their guts. The fact that they continue to live like they are not owing you a lot of money is displeasing you and your homegirls.
5. ‘Perceives disrespect’.
Send this meme to them every day. Let them know that owing you money is the highest height of disrespect and you can no longer tolerate such.
You don’t need to add any commentary when you send this meme. Send it to them and put it on your WhatsApp status, or any of your stories that they can view. There’s no onigbese that won’t be afraid of this meme.
7. ‘Building irritation’
This meme perfectly sums up how you feel about being owed money for a long time. A shameless onigbese is an irritating person and should be well aware of it.
8. ‘Trouble has arisen’
You were kuku on your own when they brought their two left legs to borrow money from you. Now it’s time to pay up they are doing shakara for you. You need to send them this meme so they can know that trouble has really arisen.
9. ‘Are you not tired of owing me money?’
This meme is really humble. Only send it when you are genuinely confused and shocked that they have still not paid you your money. This is the meme you send to an employer that has refused to pay you after many months of working with them.
10. ‘How could I do such a mistake’
Only send this meme to your shameless debtor when you need them to know how disappointed you are in them.
Is your crush even a serious person if they don’t like plantain? I mean, all that elite goodness and they choose to eat what, yam? Tueh.
1. Dodo
What is life without fried plantain? Whether you want to eat it with beans, egg, or noodles, it slaps. If you want to take it a notch further, try it with bread.
2. Plantain mosa
Plantain Mosa is like the elder sister of Akara, but finer, sweeter, richer and more filling. Top it up with your favourite bottle of cold something.
3. Plantain chips
Should we start the crispyness or how busy it can keep your mouth in traffic? Plantain chips should always be in your bag as a true plantain advocate.
4. Boli
Plantain with fish sauce or groundnut hot from the grill. Very elite food if you know you know!
5. Dominos plantain pizza
What better way to treat your guests or yourself than with Dominos new (spicy) plantain pizza and plantain chops? Take your love for plantain to a whole new level. Visit Domino’s website to place an order now.
JJW is making a comeback with the coolest party experience!
Now Johnnie, Jamz & Whisky, the nation’s premier platform for truly sensational music experience will ring the comeback with a retro-themed party, happening simultaneously in three locations – the BBN House, a virtual watch party and the JJW Lagos Turn Up, on August 28th.
All music enthusiasts and whisky lovers are invited to this unique blend of music and flavours to party along with the housemates. An amazing array of highball cocktails, food, party games, Johnnie Walker merch and other side attractions will be on hand for guests to toast and soak in the distinctive flavours of Johnnie Walker.
The experience promises to be an exciting adventure and you can secure an invite here
Keep your ears open and stay connected to @johnniewalkerng on Instagram to get an invite. Join the conversation with #JJW #KeepWalking
The first time I heard this song, I was lying on the twin bed of an AirBnB in Ibadan. It was a hot afternoon (aren’t they all?) and Twitter was the only thing to fill my time as I waited to meet up with friends later that evening.
I opened a video of Benin singer and I see songwriter, Rema, drifting on-screen in a boat, a thick curvy wake behind him and two thick curvy women beside him. The women obeyed the lyrics of the song and put their all into making their supple booties bounce, while Rema alternated between performing the song and steering the boat. The caption of the tweet promised one of the two women to Rema’s mentor and record label head, Don Jazzy.
As a fellow disciple of the temple of yansh, I’m immediately hooked on the song. I sharply ran to my YouTube Music app to find the track and connected my phone to my Bluetooth speaker. Yes, I am a fan of Rema. My personal playlist is full of my favourite works from him; the half-political, half-sexy Rewind, the 2020 anthem to the more beautiful half of the human race, Woman, followed by a lamentation, the relaxing jam aptly named Peace of Mind. I’m always eager to add another Rema masterpiece to my altar of his discography.
I found the song on my music player soon enough. The album art looks like the artist was tripping on LSD when he created it: there’s a giant teddy bear with a curvy babe you want to die for until you see her face; a skull with pink attachment. A thousand Remas are fighting all around, too. Basically, it’s something out of my malaria nightmares. It represents Rema’s cartoonish, quirky style which he’s always had since his Dumebi days.
Booty Bounce starts simple enough, immediately announcing to us listeners that Don Jazzy was responsible for this mad beat. It’s the kind of beat you find yourself dancing to even before the lyrics come on. The beat rolls on until Rema proclaims, as he always does, that this is “Another. Banger.” He’s rarely ever wrong, and definitely not on this song.
The synth, drums and violin strings join the sweet beat and make you want to jump off your seat. Rema jumps in with the sentence that’s repeated perhaps a hundred times through the song.
“Girl, I’m in love with your booty bounce.”
After you hear this line 47 more times, Rema informs us that he has already weighed the bum-bum, and it weighed an astounding 1 000 pounds. That’s 453.592 kilogrammes if you prefer using the metric system. Like a Fast and Furious movie, I’m not exactly interested in the physics and biology of this claim. If Rema says it is so, then it is so.
The Bad Commando also tells his woman with the jaw-dropping posterior that he would put in a total of seven rounds of knacks. Nigerian men are often found making boasts like this. They end up putting in seven pumps and calling it a day, so I’d advise this babe to take this claim with a pinch of salt.
Meanwhile, the Iron Man singer and songwriter, which was selected by former President Obama in his 2019 Summer Playlist, worships her posterior, praising it for being “original, no be that kind black China,” a witty double entendre playing on China’s reputation for substandard exports and at the same time, making reference to American model Black Chyna and her surgically-enhanced body. Omo.
Rema decided to do away with the normal knee-on-the-ground, diamond-ring-in-hand proposal, instead directly imploring the babe that is scattering his head to “be my wife, make I be your nnanyi.” “Nnanyi” Igbo of Nigeria is a nickname for one’s husband.
Before we know it, Rema takes control of this rollercoaster again by driving us to the kitchen. He then lets loose a string of lines that came straight from a cookbook. See below:
Chop you like kilishi
Pеpper me, girly, odeshi
Odeshi which translates to “there’s no pain” is a black magic ritual used to repel bullets, hailed by hunters, security forces and unknown gunmen.
Rema isn’t done feeding us:
“Shey you wan chop Italian
Shey you wan chop Chinese,”
A rare video of Rema making this song. Source: Classified
The verse winds down to my favourite lines of the track:
“And if you open your Pandora
I go give you everything wey you need.”
If you’ve read Works and Days, by the ancient Greek philosopher Hesiod (I can feel you rolling your eyes), you’ll understand this reference.
Pandora’s Box is the mythological artefact in possession of Pandora, the woman given to Prometheus’ brother by Zeus in order to punish Prometheus for stealing his fire – you know what? Let’s move on.
Right after, Rema lets loose a steady fire of lines, mixing in some of his signature gibberish lyrics to a melody that will move your body without your permission. Don Jazzy’s synth remains audible in the background, distinct without overwhelming Rema’s endless chant of “booty bounce.”
Another part I loved is the line where Rema quips: “Baby girl, no go play me like Woody.”
Here, Rema is begging not to be played like Andy’s pull-string cowboy ragdoll from Disney’s famous Toy Story movies. As a big fan of the animated movie series (don’t shame me), I immediately understand, and love, this line.
After, this synth beat drops off suddenly, leaving Rema’s rapid-fire verse chopping, like Wile E. Coyote running out of cliff in a Roadrunner cartoon, while the previously steady beat starts to gain momentum. The verse ends with Rema begging Blessing not to killi person, abeg o.
Abeg o, beg o, beg oooo.
While it is truly “another banger,” this bop also serves to show that Don Jazzy’s production hasn’t been impeded by his new skit-making hobby or philanthropy. I strongly believe that the duo of Rema and the former Mo Hits producer might bless us with songs that remind us of the Don Jazzy and Wande Coal hit-making era. I’m super excited about all the things Rema and Don Jazzy are cooking in the Mavin’s Headquarters. With Rema merely at the start of his career, we can expect to hear many other bangers. I’m super excited about this. We can only watch and wait.
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