Last week, we guessed how many people you’d slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it.
So, take and see:
The post QUIZ: Who Will You Sleep With Next? appeared first on Zikoko!.
Being a Nigerian receptionist isn’t just about kitten heels and drab suits, you also need to learn how to treat everyone that walks into your office like trash. So, if you’re interested in this occupation, here’s a list of everything you’ll need to know to excel at your job.
Take a minute to think about the rudest person you’ve ever met, now multiply their attitude by 7. That’s how rude you’ll need to be to succeed as a Nigerian receptionist. Make sure you treat every single person that walks into your office like their mouth is smelling.
A few years ago, the distraction of your choice would have been Africa Magic, but based on a memo that was recently sent out by the Nigerian Receptionist Federation (don’t google that), Telemundo is now the occupation’s official channel.
When you first get the job, your contract will most likely allocate just one hour for your lunch break. Well, consider that as more of a suggestion than a rule. You are actually free to eat anytime you want. In fact, they should always be food, preferably rice and beans, right on your desk.
After you spend most of your day eating and watching Telemundo, it’s only fair that you get super tired. This is why you should be able to sleep whenever you want. Some people might call it “sleeping on the job”, but for a Nigerian receptionist, not actually doing your job IS part of your job.
Even though you’re getting paid to answer them, let’s be clear: Work calls are not nearly as important as personal calls. Your boss will just have to understand that you missed that important message because a friend was gisting with you about Papa Nkechi’s latest affair.
While you are allowed to do many things as a Nigerian receptionist – from crashing midday to eating consistently – the one thing you’re not allowed to do is smile. A scowl is essential, making everyone who comes in feel like they are the cause of all your problems.
Once someone steps into your reception, their time essentially becomes worthless. Keep them waiting for as long as possible, and if you want to earn your gold star badge, make sure they still don’t get to see your oga even after you waste their time.
This is your biggest power play as a Nigerian receptionist. When someone comes all the way to look for your oga, you have the ability to completely extinguish the light in their eyes with these three powerful little words. Utter them wisely.
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Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.
Do you remember this song? “Holiday is coming, holiday is coming, no more morning bells, no more teacher’s whip, goodbye teachers, goodbye students, I am going home. Holiday!”
When I wake up, I remix it: “Going home is coming, going home is coming, no more bugle o, no more morning drills, no more parade, nothing, nothing at all.” Mhen, the bliss.
Today, no bugle wakes us up. Sunday, like I said, is indeed a day of rest in this camp.
After service ends, I return to the hostel. There is not much to do, not much to pack. I am donating my bucket, rubber shoes and whites to the NCCF. They often take it for the Rural Rugged Evangelism. If this were a school, perhaps a university with the liberty of space, I would tour it. Take a final walk around, look at things, places, and allow myself a final moment of laughter, a time to say goodbye to the city. But we’re in a camp, bushes and soldiers around us, what is there to say goodbye to?
I lie in bed doing nothing until sleep takes me away.
Suddenly, there is the sound of the bugle. Next thing, soldiers are chasing us out of the hostels, asking us to go to the parade ground now. We dash out. People doing laundry abandon it and leave for the parade ground. We grumble, but we are happy because we know this is the last time.
And let’s be honest, what exactly are we being summoned for that cannot wait until we assemble for evening parade? These people and the unnecessary ways they use power.
When we get to the parade ground, we are told that we should go back to our hostels, get lunch, and come back to the parade ground at 3:40 PM. Dismissed.
This is so absurd, so annoying I don’t know what to say or do. This is what he wants to say and we are summoned? What happened to OBS? Why could it not wait till parade? Why oh why?
Lunch is rice and chicken. For the first time, I get a very big piece of chicken. My joy knows no bounds and I devour it with glee. After I finish with it, I go to the bankers to get my ATM card, and then I head to the accounts section to get my bicycle allowance. By God’s grace, I am given. Lol after days of going to and fro and I finally get paid. Chai.
The address is brief: tomorrow, we leave the camp. We are to drop our mattress before leaving. When we do, we get a ticket that becomes our pass to leave the camp. He tells us that the next batch will arrive on Thursday, and that we can stay if we want to welcome them. He’s joking though. He says that tomorrow’s breakfast is meant to be pap and beans, but he feels it won’t be ideal for us, given that we are to undertake a journey and so he has decided that we have bread and tea instead. We clap.
He tells us that those of us who are relocating will know our states of deployment tomorrow, and that given the closeness of the next batch’s resumption, provision has been made for us to visit our PPA, drop our letter or whatever, and resume second of January. Now we really clap.
The parade comes in, and when it is over, we leave there. It is the last time we will ever be on that ground.
There are no social activities tonight, and we are free to do what we want with our time. Many people head to Mammy Market where they shop for fabric, jewelry, perfumes, and other souvenirs to take home. Many head to get henna. Many head to spend time with their lovers at Mammy market. Many others wander around. I visit the photography stall to get my photos from the Man O War drill, the NYSC swearing in, the march past. I visit the tailor to amend my khakis.
When I am done depositing my khaki with the tailor, I head to OBS for our hangout/get together.
The hangout turns out to be even more fun than I expect. We eat skewered meat, drink Fanta and Sprite and Coke. We laugh. We take selfies. We exchange numbers. In so many ways, it feels like school, and I feel pricks of sadness when I consider the truth that very soon I will no longer see these people. We meet to depart is one statement I hear often, but this night, the truth hits me hard.
The Camp PRO who is also the head of the OBs gives us tips about life, about getting ahead. Fatherly advice which is also professional and tender. I listen. When he is done, we clap and clap. We present gifts to him. We take photos. Later, the OBS president plays a tune for us on the mouth organ. We become tear-eyed. This night is a night for cutting onions.
Tomorrow, we will leave here. Tonight, right now, we make memories to last us forever.
The post NYSC Diary Day 20: What Happens On The Last Day of Camp? appeared first on Zikoko!.
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a daily series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
Leonard Cohan’s “Hallelujah” is widely regarded as one of the greatest songs of all time. Since its release, it’s been covered by a ton of talented musicians — from Bono to Justin Timberlake — and the latest artist to take a shot at the classic is Timi Dakolo.
Appearing on his delightful new Christmas album, Merry Christmas Darling, Timi Dakolo’s rendition of “Hallelujah” is jaw-droppingly good. His voice not only sounds better than it ever has, but it’s clear that he feels every word he’s singing.
With a fantastic assist from The Eben Voices Of Gabon Choir, “Hallelujah” serves as an undeniable reminder of the singer’s gifts. This song has been covered by Grammy winners and living legends, and Timi Dakolo’s version could stand toe-to-toe with any of them.
The post #BumpThis: Timi Dakolo’s “Hallelujah” appeared first on Zikoko!.
You’ve just done the usual monthly subscription. A few hours of texting and navigating the Instagram explore page, and three Youtube videos later, you get the dreaded text message from your ISP in the different variations they come. You are out of data, and because they are not running a charity, you’ve been cut off the internet. Because capitalism sucks, everything goes downhill from here and you are left to figure out how to get back to civilisation. But before you do, you may go through any or all of these phases:
With boredom looming, the first thing you try to lean back on is the games you have installed on your phone. But a couple of minutes in, you realise that they can only do little for you, especially if you have the kind of games that require you to pass a level before you go to another.
By the time you are still stuck on one level after five tries, the boredom becomes full-blown. Twitter will never treat you as though you’re garbage, but the games will, and that’s why they suck.
Not quite ready to face the truth yet, you turn to your gallery. Those fire pictures and videos you have of yourself living your best life are now a mashup of moments when you had it together – time you cannot go back to. Two things will probably happen here; you either delete some photos or you fling your phone away in exasperation.
You are one minute close to being irritable now, but to put your mind off it and hold on to scraps of your vibrant energy, you begin to pay attention to the funniest and weirdest things; the tiny mole on one part of your cheek, the design of the chandelier hanging from the ceiling, the depressing space of the room you are in, and stuff like that.
You’ve now realised that you hardly have friends when you are offline. And nobody cares about you if there is no green dot next to your name. You are not sure how it’s going to happen now, but you couldn’t continue living like that. You need to get back to your friends and how they fill the void in your heart.
During this trying period of your life, you think back on what your mother likes to tell you every time she sees you on your phone “This phone will kill you.” Not that she means it, but you start to wonder if there is some truth to it because now you’re ready to risk it all so you can get back online. Like a wise woman once said, ” No leave, no transfer.”
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You’ve lived in Nigeria long enough to know what this means. But in the first moments, you hold your breath and choose to live in denial. Maybe it was a plane crash somewhere close, or a bomb had gone off. But the transformer that services your area cannot decide to develop a fault now.
You’ve always believed in prayers, and that’s what you fall back to immediately you realise what has just happened. Before you make an effort to confirm anything, the recurring words on your tongue are “God, please.” “God, please.”
Again, because you’ve lived in Nigeria all your life, you know how the light schedule works. It’s time for power to come back on now, but the light bulbs are not illuminated with bright orange or white light, and the blades of the fan are still. That explosion was definitely from your transformer.
You were not expecting this to happen, obviously. And this means that you’ve not ironed your clothes, or charge everything that needs to be charged. Also, you don’t have a lamp, which means you will be plunged into darkness at night.
Well, no light, no water. That’s a universal pattern. You dash to the bathroom to fetch into buckets and anything else that can serve as a reservoir, and you see that you cannot collect more than two buckets because the other tenants have beaten you to it.
He’s the owner of the house; he should know what to do. But again, you think about the futility of it all. He did not spoil the transformer, and that’s exactly what he is going to tell you.
The first thing that makes you a little hopeful is the fact that the whole street is affected. For all you care, this will spur them into taking action as soon as possible. A week later, and the whirring sound of generators have taken over the streets. But you keep hoping.
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The most popular food combos in Nigeria work for a variety of reasons — anything from the mix of sweet and savoury, to how their opposing textures complement each other. So, we’ve decided to create a quiz that tells you which of these iconic food combos best describe your relationship.
Even if you’re single, you can still take it with the future in mind:
The post QUIZ: Which Food Combo Represents Your Relationship? appeared first on Zikoko!.
As important as life insurance policies are, a lot of Nigerians still don’t have one. This is mostly due to the lack of education regarding the subject and the perpetuation of myths and misconceptions about the scheme. The aim of this article is to dispel the myths about life insurance and counter them with cold, hard facts.
Let’s get into it.
MYTH 1:
There are life insurance policies to cover people of all ages. Literally, no one is too young for life insurance. Claiming this is you probably being stingy with money that could work for you later. Which is why you should know that when buying a life insurance policy, the younger the policyholder, the lower the premium.
MYTH 2:
Thankfully, life insurance companies understand that not all fingers are equal and made sure it was possible for everyone to cut their coat according to their size (get the policy that’s affordable for them). E.g, low-income earners usually opt for the term life insurance because it has the cheapest monthly premiums.
MYTH 3:
Biko shhh. While it is important for the breadwinner – or the person that makes the majority of a household’s income – to have a life insurance policy, there’s also value in getting policies for other family members, even if their contributions aren’t monetary. For example, if a housewife (whose job it was to take care of the home) passes, it just won’t be emotionally difficult for the family she left behind but also financially difficult because they might need to pay someone to take over those duties. At least until they themselves get the hang of it.
MYTH 4:
That’s superstitious thinking perpetuated by 51 Iweka Road Onitsha Nollywood movies. We’re 19 years into the 21st century and you can’t be thinking like that. If terrible things wanted to happen to you, they wouldn’t wait till you get life insurance. They’d just go ahead and mess you up. The whole point of life insurance is to have a safety net and be prepared for any terrible things that MIGHT happen.
MYTH 5:
Normally, life insurance exists to help those who depend on you after you pass. But, there are situations where the policyholder needs the money way more than their beneficiaries (e.g in case of chronic illness). That’s where the concept of “Living Benefits” comes in. Living Benefits let a policyholder get an earlier payout than usual (while they’re still alive). But for that to happen, it must’ve been included in the policy during initial agreements.
The post 5 Facts & Myths About Life Insurance appeared first on Zikoko!.
For the love of the real stars, the producers, we created #Beatsmith — a series that focuses on the connections and inspirations that led to the creation of that hit song or album.
Burna Boy’s exceptional African Giant is easily the best Nigerian album of 2019, as well as one of the best of the past decade, so it comes as no surprise that it recently nabbed a well-deserved Grammy nomination for ‘Best World Music Album’.
While Burna Boy’s talents cannot be praised enough, it’s also worth noting that this album wouldn’t be what it is without the brilliant Kel P, who produced over half the tracks. So, we decided to reach out to 2019’s defining beatsmith to ask how the game-changing album came to be.
So, around August last year, Ceeza Milli recorded Burna Boy on one of my beats. Burna Boy asked who made it, and Ceeza told him about me. The next day, I got a call from both of them to link up and that was how I met him.
I never knew I was coming to make an album. I just knew I was there to record songs. We didn’t really have any serious conversation or even a moment to get to know each other beforehand. We were just working and the vibe was smooth.
My main inspiration was Burna Boy himself. His previous songs, the ones he released before I met him, influenced my work on the new songs. I was also influenced by his unique vocal texture and writing.
It was very tasking. I was basically indoors for an entire month, grinding to make sure every song sounded different. Burna is a fast writer — he can record four complete hit songs in a single day.
My favourite track is definitely “Wetin Man Go Do”. The composition is somehow simple and dynamic all at the same time. The vocals and adlibs also blend really smoothly together.
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Everyone knows how finding a person to marry usually goes.
List of desirable traits in hand, you spend years – sometimes decades – wading through the dating pool in an attempt to find that one person who possesses all those traits (or most of them at least) so you can proceed to convince them to spend the rest of their life with you.
But what if you were in a position (not unlike the beast’s position from Beauty and the Beast) where you absolutely had to meet a person, fall in love, and get married in just eight weeks? What is that one trait a person has to have before you scream “YOLO” and walk down the aisle with them after just eight weeks?
We asked eight people and their answers ranged from mild to chineke god!
1) Kay says that her ideal guy would need to be level-headed.
“I would lookout for a guy who’s cool, calm, and level-headed. I’m a super chill person and cannot be with anyone that proceeds to flip tables whenever he’s upset. We are not toddlers, biko.”
2) Martha says that whoever she decides to spend forever with must have a sense of humour.
“Can you imagine anything worse than explaining jokes to your partner for the rest of your physical life? I reject it in Jesus’ name. AMEN!”
3) Biodun says his number one desirable trait in a person is spontaneity.
“My biggest problem is that I think too much. By the time I’m done thinking, the opportunity for whatever I was thinking about is long gone. I need someone to take my hand and quickly make those decisions that would usually turn me into a nervous wreck.”
4) Aanu says the most important thing to him is the other person’s bank account balance.
“Let it be clear. This does not mean that I am a gold-digger (I am a strong independent man who can take care of myself), I need my partner to be a working-class individual with their own money. I do NOT want a liability.”
5) Chioma was brutally honest about her needs when she revealed that she had to find out how good her potential partner is in bed.
“Sweetheart, would you buy a car without test-driving it first? The only thing I hate more than sad stories are sad stories that could’ve easily been avoided. Do you want to end up as yet another poorly-written blog entry talking bout, ‘Woman flees marital home and files for divorce citing husband’s non-existent sexual skills as the main reason.’? No, you don’t. Check that thing and have peace of mind. Shalom.“
6) Ann says that her man must know how to throw down in the kitchen.
“Because I ain’t raising no adult babies. That’s why. How will we both go to work and come back exhausted but he’ll be waiting for me to cook because his cooking skills end with boiling eggs? Both of us need to sabi the work. Shebi, you get?”
7) Toheeb says that intelligence ranks high on his list of desirable traits.
“The only worse than being with a stubborn, hard-headed person is being with a stubborn, hard-headed person who, no matter how much you explain, can’t even understand why their behaviour is bad. You’ll die super early of high blood pressure and they’ll live on to frustrate more people.”
8) Alex says the perfect partner is one who understands the art of proper communication.
“Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dodging pots and lamps because my partner thinks I want to physically fight her whenever I gently confront her with something she’s done wrong.”
DStv has a new show coming named ULTIMATE LOVE.
On this show, 16 strangers will be paired into 8 couples based on their interests. These 8 couples will then spend 8 weeks battling each other for the grand prize: a fully-funded traditional marriage and a brand new fully-furnished home to begin their new lives together!
Click here to head over to the show’s site to find out more info about the show and how to get in.
The post If You Had To Get Married In 8 Weeks, What’d Be The Main Trait You’d Look For In A Partner? appeared first on Zikoko!.
Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.
Now, my watch has finally ended. Or maybe it has just begun, because I still have 10 months to go. But I have just read somewhere that it is nice to focus on the now, to dedicate my energies to doing the things that seem short term, and so I can say I am happy, truly happy, but also a little bit sad.
Regardless of your experience in camp, the last day is usually the one where all the emotions hit, especially when you consider the truth that you will never be together in one place again. Many people are relocating, and people are bringing reports of the new states they have been posted to: Akwa Ibom, Anambra, Enugu, Oyo, Ogun, Lagos, Ekiti, and all other states. Many more are flung to places in Maiduguri. We won’t ever be whole again, you know. We can only meet in twos, in threes, and these meetings are sometimes a thing of luck.
I go to get my khaki ironed and when I return, I sit on my bed and watch everyone pack. There’s that guy who once angled his butt to demonstrate a sexual position. There’s that other guy who said he could sleep with his friend’s wife. The guy we all refer to as Landlord, he’s over there. A guy we refer to as HIV passes a paper around for us to drop our WhatsApp numbers so we can create a group chat. We laugh. We joke. A guy pushes his waist pouch to his chest area, covers it clothes and calls it breasts. We strip the bunks of mattresses and return them. The metal framework glares back at us, bony and bare.
I dress up, but this time, there is no force. We have all the time in the world. We also have no time. There is the parade, the final parade. Before that is breakfast. After these two things are done, we have to make the trip back to our various destinations and people who are staying back in Maiduguri will get their posting letters.
I wear slippers and a shirt over my khaki and created vest. I turn my cap backwards, something I have been dying to do for days but am unable to, because it would attract punishment from soldiers who refer to that act as “Dragging Nigeria backwards.”
I spend time with my friends from OBS. We spent only two weeks and some days together, but suddenly it feels as though I have spent four years with them. F. who came second in the Mr. Macho contest takes bad pictures of me. I take bad pictures of him too, and some really good ones. We laugh. E. sets the self timer and we spend time jumping and making poses. I head to the kitchen to get what will be my last breakfast in camp. They serve bread and tea, and the man in charge takes my card from me, tells me to detach my passport.
It all comes down to this.
I head to the parade ground with A. He studied pharmacy, and will be staying back in Borno. People in medicine/medical professions are hot cake. In my next life, maybe I will study medicine. Dr. Kunle will be such a nice name.
“Hurry up, make una dey go. Leave us na,” a soldier tells us as we walk to the parade ground. They too cannot wait to be rid of us. They have families to get back to. Camp for the incoming batch resumes on Thursday, I hear. A little family bonding before that time is necessary.
“We don fall in love with you,” I say. “We no wan go again. We love you.”
“No don’t love us. Dey go house. We sef, we wan go do Christmas.”
Hard man, hard man, but love shed abroad during Christmas melts us all. I laugh as I move on.
This is the first time we are on the parade ground and I am not bothered. In all honesty sef, we are not on the parade ground. We take seats in the bush, in houses far from the field. Another world entirely while those marching are doing their thing. Our minds are no longer here.
When the parade is over, we burst out like school children released from a boring class. Those heading to Borno state go to receive their posting letters. People are posted to universities, polytechnics, colleges of education, ministry of health, and other places that are enviable. Someone I know gets posted to NAFDAC.
But it’s all fine and good, you know. It’s all fine and good. We all will find our places in life. Everyone should bloom where they are planted.
K. is heading to Lagos. I should too, but I have unfinished business at the bank, and I cannot leave it and dash to Lagos
Outside the gate, there are many motorcycles and tricycles and corps members waiting to leave Katsina, eager to leave this place. Was it not just three weeks ago that I received my posting letter and dashed from Ilorin to Lagos to Katsina just to be here? Three weeks gone by, just like that?
And I realise that it is not the time that matters or the number of days. It is what you make of it. I realise that it is just like life, living. One day you’re young, the next you’re old, dead and people are gathered, talking about the life you lived. Your years won’t matter then, I think. If you’re a hundred and there’s nothing to show for it, then it’s like dying at birth. But even if you’re thirty and you’ve done great things, touched plenty lives, then it’s almost like you’ve spent an eternity living.
I’m sorry if I am sounding too philosophical or whatever. Goodbyes often have me like this. I guess what I am trying to say is that the next way is forward. I don’t know what will happen there, but I’ll see.
The post NYSC Diary Day 21: On The Last Day Of Camp appeared first on Zikoko!.
We’ve accurately predicted when you will have your first child with this quiz (you can request to speak to a manager if you don’t agree.) Anyway, we are moving on to something new; we will now help you figure out which trait you will pass on to your children with another accurate quiz.
Let’s do this.
The post Quiz: Which Trait Will Your Children Inherit From You? appeared first on Zikoko!.
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a daily series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
After dropping two impressive, albeit slightly underrated singles this year — the YCee-assisted “ANTI” and “Mind” featuring Psycho YP — Zamir has now come through with his strongest 2019 release yet, “Munchies”, which features the always great Amaarae.
On the immensely sultry track, produced by GMK, Zamir raps about wanting to get down with an attractive girl. Using the term for the hunger spike every stoner will recognise, Zamir paints a pretty vivid picture with the fantastic “Munchies”.
Amaarae, who is consistently the best thing about any song she’s featured on, unsurprisingly shines. The Ghanaian pop star has never shied away from singing about the joys of sex, and she brings that same energy to her standout closing verse.
The post #BumpThis: Zamir & Amaarae’s “Munchies” appeared first on Zikoko!.
Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are.
Take and find out:
The post QUIZ: How Good-Looking Are You? appeared first on Zikoko!.
Every Nigerian family has that child, the black sheep that doesn’t conform to their parents’ expectations, either because they are legit troublemakers or because they simply don’t share the same beliefs. If you grew up being that kid, then you’ll relate to this post.
Growing up as the black sheep in a Nigerian family, you could never directly ask your parents for anything. You always had to go through your siblings. If you didn’t say, “Junior, tell mummy to allow us to go to Ope’s birthday party”, you were definitely going to sleep at home.
While you were getting slippers and eba sticks thrown at you for every little thing you, it seemed your siblings could never upset your parents. Even when they made the exact same mistake that got you beaten for 30 minutes straight, your parents just shrugged it off.
Whenever your parents managed to acknowledge the fact that one of your siblings just fucked up, you somehow still got blamed for it. It’s either you “set a bad example” or you “allowed them to do it”. At some point, you just accepted the fact that you could never win.
Whenever your parents got everyone gifts, you either didn’t get one or you got the absolute worst one. At this point, your parents were no longer even trying to pretend that they loved all their kids equally. They’d get everyone watches and give you Okin biscuit.
As the black sheep, every single child your parents ever came across was unequivocally better than you. You got compared to everyone, from your distant cousin to the pastor’s niece. Even the kids you knew damn well were way worse than you were put on a pedestal.
There was always one aunty or uncle being sent by your folks to come “talk some sense” into you. While they were never as harsh or overbearing as your folks, it was still very annoying, especially since you knew just how much your cousins screwed up as well.
After years of stressing, beating and disturbing the hell out of your life, old age finally took over and your parents just freed. Sure, they still bring up the mistakes you’ve made, but it’s clear that they’ve given up on the dream of you actually becoming a different person.
The post For Every Nigerian Who Grew Up Being The Black Sheep Of Their Family appeared first on Zikoko!.
Would it be a Nigerian end of year if the government doesn’t threaten us with something sure to ruin Christman, New Years and most parts of the new year? Fuel price hikes, POS charges, social media bills …
Particularly annoying in the year of our Lord 2019 is the Social Media Bill which is as vague as it is oppressive. Promising to prevent and punish the spread of ‘falsehoods’ on social media, the bill looks to imprison for a period of 3 years or to impose a maximum fine of ₦300,000 on persons found guilty. Only thing is, these falsehoods can be any and everything the government wants them to be. See how this can be problematic?
So we decided to get away with a little something-something before it literally becomes illegal to speak against the Führer and the people within his government.
Can somebody please tell Mr. Bello he looks gaddem ridiculous wearing aviators 24/7? I mean yes, the drip is forever but even the Lord rested Yahaya.
How about you channel all that slaying energy into something more deserving, like say paying the teachers in Kogi State their outstanding 39-month salary arrears?
A working economy.
We picked out your prison uniform and everything from the children’s section since July. Tick-tock.
Also, how is this satyr still speaking on the floor of the senate foggosake?
Now speaking of the Senate, we have craters with a hint of bitumen passing for roads. We have the highest number of poor people in the world, beating out India which has 5 times out population. A severely overcompensated Senate, juxtaposed with a working population unable to receive 30,000 as minimum wage.
We have a democracy that requires blood as libation. A raving mad police system where citizens feel more ease in the hands of touts, than t policemen. A crowdfunding industry for our health care ministry. A financial crimes commission too afraid to go after the real big dogs, and somehow a social media bill is winning 400m relay race to a second reading?
Hope all is well?
Now we’re not selfish, if you have anyone in government you’d like to tell a little something-something too, feel free to go off in the comments.
The post We Had To Go Off On A Few People, Just In Case This Social Media Bill Gets Passed appeared first on Zikoko!.
If you haven’t conditioned your mind to accept this, you should just go ahead and live on your own. Damn the financial consequences. You see, that space you’re in and everything in it belongs to everyone. Your expensive perfume, favourite shoes, and other stuff are for everyone’s use. Accept that and be free. You can try to have the “let-my-stuff-be-my-stuff” talk to fulfil all righteousness, but chances are that it won’t change anything.
Before you go down the roommate route, make sure that nothing has the power to break your will or your concentration. Nothing! How else would you manage to sleep at 2 A.M when your roommate’s terrible music is on full blast?
Ha, this one. Before you can agree on whose turn it is to take the trash out or clean the bathroom or any other house chore, you will have to square up to each other. Only after that can you reach a compromise. It’s nothing serious; It’s just one of those universal laws that cannot be changed.
If you know your irritation wells up quickly, you have no business with having a roommate. Actually, scrap that; you can hardly control that. What you can control is how you manage every complication. There will be a lot of times when your patience will be tested, and for the sake of everyone, you need to reel everything in. Nobody needs to get a black eye or a busted lip.
If you get along well and get to the level where you cook your meals together, ensure that you eat to your fill before you leave the house. Don’t go out and expect that you will come home to some leftovers. It will end in tears, beloved.
Nothing makes you more disillusioned with the idea of roommates than when you have to leave the house for them because their partner or some other lousy visitor has come to visit. But that’s exactly what you need to do. Privacy, right? If you can’t do that, get your own freaking room.
The post The Ultimate Guide To Living With Roommates appeared first on Zikoko!.
There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a daily series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.
Tanzanian hitmaker, Diamond Platnumz has collaborated with a number of Nigeria’s biggest artists – from Davido on “Number One” to Tiwa Savage on “Fire” – and for his latest single, “Sound”, he enlisted another Nigerian star, Teni.
On the track, Diamond Platnumz makes his intentions clear from the jump: He wants listeners to get up and dance. As he lists off some of the decade’s biggest African dance moves, the song’s infectious beat makes it impossible to stay still.
While Teni doesn’t steal the show as she typically does, her contribution is still felt. Not that we still need any convincing, but “Sound” is further proof that Diamond Platnumz is one of Africa’s most consistent and far-reaching afropop stars.
The post #BumpThis: Diamond Platnumz & Teni’s “Sound” appeared first on Zikoko!.
There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this quiz exists.
Find out which Nollywood star you’re meant to be with:
The post QUIZ: Which Nollywood Actor Is Your Soulmate? appeared first on Zikoko!.
Your favourite musicians also have favourite musicians, and that’s why we created #MyLoop — a weekly series that asks Nigerian stars who they like to listen to when they’re feeling any type of way.
Ladipoe has been one of 2019’s most quietly impactful rappers. He not only dropped one of the year’s best songs, the criminally underrated “Jaiye”, but he’s also been soaring as a featured act on a number of phenomenal deep cuts (Bella Alubo’s “Summer’s Over”, PsychoYP’s “ViBES”).
Granted, he didn’t drop as many singles as we might have liked, but the year wasn’t devoid of his stellar penmanship. So, we reached out to learn which songs the gifted rapper has been jamming, specifically when he’s feeling any major emotion or doing something seemingly mundane.
From Wizkid to Tems, here are the artists that made Ladipoe’s loop:
The post #MyLoop: Songs For Ladipoe’s Every Mood appeared first on Zikoko!.
@shayxjones #kelpvibes #burnaboy #Lic
