Today, we’ll be observing the Nigerian politician in his natural habitat — an overpriced state house whose renovation, running into the millions of dollars is probably on the books for the state’s annual budget.
If you’ve never known what to look out for with a Nigerian politician, you’re in luck, we made a whole list of things to look out for:
How to spot a Nigerian politician by his leadership abilities.
Has a 16-year itch or perhaps a 5-year itch, depending on the political party they belong to.
Trust a Nigerian politician to heap blame at everyone but himself when his office faces shortcomings. Can’t fix a simple road? Blame the guys that had the job 16 years ago. No longer in power? Blame the guys that currently have the job for any drawbacks.
You might find the Nigerian politician unknowledgeable in the position they hold.
But don’t fret. The fate of millions/thousands isn’t such a serious affair that it can’t be learnt on the job. Get that stick out of your derriere.
If you’re a woman in Nigerian politics, excluding senatorial/ representative roles, you’ll probably be placed in a token position.
Women leader, deputy governor, chair lady of some committee etc. Options, options.
Physical features.
Will most likely have a potbelly.
That’s what happens when you skip the daily cardio chasing the poor public transportation systems the citizens in your ward/state have to face. Being chauffeured everywhere will do that to you.
Any attempts at physical fitness will be televised.
It’s in the politician’s handbook.
You might spot them in ankara fabrics.
But that’s only during campaign szn.
That’s not to say they don’t kill it in local attire.
But they’ll probably switch it up for the gram and dress in westernised clothing abroad.
Health conditions.
The Nigerian politician suffers from so many conditions, we’re almost worried:
Suffers from a condition that causes him to go into a slumber after every election, only to be awakened by the smell of ankara fabrics with imprinted faces on them, 4 years after.
It’s a real medical condition, he will only awaken right before election season. Seek help early if this is you.
The politician is also prone to a serious fit of laughter whenever the president is near.
91 million Nigerians living in poverty must be hilarious.
If you think that’s bad, you should know about the case of arbitrariness most Nigerian politicians suffer from.
It’s what causes politicians to cast hardworking citizens out of their homes with little notice, and why the dissembling of markets if fair game to them as well.
But perhaps the worst is the yearly dementia Nigerian politicians face.
This is what prevents him from planing ahead for cyclical issues affecting his state/local government like say flooding, erosion, collapsed buildings, fires etc.
In response to the recent okada and Keke bans, which has left millions of Lagosians with no last-mile public transportation, we have developed and are rolling out en masse a smart and not-so-smart phone solution to all your transport woes: iWAKA, a movement app that takes advantage of our original god-given tool of transportation — limbs aka legs and feet !
I’m delighted to introduce you to the latest innovation in transportation technology, coming out of Africa’s biggest mega city ?? , Lagos state.
This innovative technology is a big fat WAKA! to the Lagos state administration who thought they could surprise us with the ban of okadas and kekes and leave us stranded without alternatives. Well guess what, Administration? THE JOKE IS ON YOU! We have legs and we have a badass app to help us use them for moving about. Keep your measly 65 buses! We got our own FEET !
iWAKA is the most innovative and intuitive technology, enabling anyone of any age, gender, ethnic group, sexual orientation, political agenda, religion, socio economic class, occupation, nationality, race, disability, food and drink preference, habitat, hair color (all blondes are welcome!), hairstyle (dada is so in!), anyone at all; regardless of who you are iWAKA is for you .
It’s so easy to get started!You download the app or send sms “iWAKA” to 55566. And voila, you instantly have access to your legs! Want to go to work? Use iWAKA! Buying groceries? Use iWAKA! Paying Sanwo-Olu a visit to protest the okada ban? Just iWAKA.
And that’s just the beginning!
Over the next couple of months we will be rolling out new features like feet-sharing, which allow people to trek to their various destinations together. We will also roll out iWAKA for business, for hawkers, and iWAKA for couples — for romantic walks this valentines . Also look out for our sista app weWAKA, which lets you experience Lagos traffic while walking by congregating thousands to walk on the same road at the same time!
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PS: Buy our exclusive online Merch today! Featuring fresh pair of feet in different colors: oyinbo, dudu, caramel and yellow pawpaw; it also comes in two models: kpaco and buta.
Olamide is one of the most consistent hit-making stars in the Nigerian music industry. Since his 2011 breakout album, Rapsodi, the Lagos-born rapper has worked hard to remain on top of the food chain.
To celebrate the release of his new project ‘999’, we have created this quiz to decide which one of his hit songs suits your personality.
Should you pay N1,000 for the delivery of an item or should you take out 45mins – 1 hour of your time to pick it up?
Well, this answer differs per person but the good thing is that at the end of this article, you’ll know where you stand.
Time and its use differ among people. The simplest truth is this: the more time you invest in something, the greater the value you get out of it. People who spend their time building interpersonal relationships form stronger bonds with others. If you spend time in a high paying job, you make a lot of money. Also, if you volunteer for charities and N.G.O’s, you do highly rewarding work.
Whatever you want out of life, it all boils down to how you spend your 24 hours.
How much should I charge for an hour of my time?
I know by intuition that if you offer me N100 for one hour of my time I would curse you. However, if you offered me N10,000 for an hour, I’d be all smiles.
If only life was that straightforward and predictable. Many things that can’t be adequately charted happen in between these extremes. The sweet in the middle of N100 – N10,000.
So, how do I calculate how much I am worth?
For me, I used the Realized Income Method. This simply means I calculated based on the money that I made last year. The one that entered my account after tax over a period of 12 months.
For this, I got two crucial values:
How much time did I spend earning money?
How much was in my bank account after all the hustling?
And the answer is…
The last step was to divide the total money earned by the total number of time spent hustling.
So, I spent a total of 2,160 hours earning money:
At 1,469,436 per year = 1,469,436/12,600 = N681 per hour.
Conclusion:
Dear 2018 Self,
Wtf were you doing paying for all those deliveries when it was above your hourly rate? Remember, danfo is cheap and it’s also your friend.
I hope you are wiser now and you have more perspective on life. These numbers show you that when you calculate how many hours actually go into earning an income, you realize that you are being paid for some of your hours and not all of them. I.e commute time is not factored into your hourly rate.
When you factor in all of the time spent in pursuit of a salary, you realize the true cost of your time – and many times, this is way below what you get paid at your 9-5.
So, do your calculations based on your own hours and income and get an idea of what to outsource and what to do for yourself.
This post was inspired by this article by James Clear.
I mean, what are the odds that the dozens of people you say “hi” to every day actually like you? Not to make you paranoid but the odds aren’t that high. Yeah. That neighbour that smiles at you enthusiastically every morning on your way to work would most likely watch your house burn to the ground if she was sure it wouldn’t affect her apartment.
These 10 people figured that out the hard way.
This girl whose beauty made her friend jealous AF.
When she told me not to take pictures with her cause anytime she posts it they give me compliments than they give her
This girl who left out of a friend group one time and never recovered.
Five girlie group in secondary school, a teacher made a remark about our bond calling us PENTAGON, and they just said "we're actually a SQUARE", held hands with me out of the shape Typing this, I still feel that sharp pain I felt years ago.
Isn’t it insane how people just like lying for no reason?
We went to Togo for a six months course.. During our first semester break, one of my friends and i came to Nigeria. Only for us to get back and hear that our third friend told almost everybody that we came to Nigeria to meet our sugar daddy among so many other lies.
— Prezzdent Of The Forehead Gvng (@Gbemmysolahh2) February 9, 2020
Why are people wicked like this?
When she invited me for a wedding in a town I’ve never been before , got there , called her a thousand times and she did not pick a single phone call
She told her boyfriend that I spend all my weekends with different sugar daddies. Somehow it got to my mum and what my mum said was "I know it's a lie, but be careful of that girl, she's not your friend"
I know I shouldn’t laugh at these but LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!
The day I and my friends planned to break the rules and wear sexy outfits to class not knowing they put well ironed packet shirts in their bags as backup, when it was time to seize phones, everybody don change to choir member https://t.co/z18tqSFukk
It was final year. My friend had two working laptops; mine crashed. I asked her to lend me one. She said her boyfriend said she shouldn’t give me that I’ll spoil it. https://t.co/gdpXFSLv26
When my supposed friend got married in our final year and stopped picking our calls. I heard her mum said she should avoid us because we might break her home. I still feel bad anytime I remember. She was the only friend I approached in uni to be my friend and we were like 6tas https://t.co/QDkUxK24Uz
Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone.
Okay, let’s not jump the gun with the addict name-calling; check this list we made about phone addicts and see if you fit the bill:
Your phone is the very first thing you reach for when you wake up in the morning.
Your Open Heavens looking at you and praying you change.
2. You need your phone with you when you’re about to take your bath.
Who’s going to supply your early morning gbedu otherwise?
3. It’s in your hands when you’re all up in the toilet too.
*Shudders at the memory of reading the Glade ingredients the last time you used the toilet without your phone*
4. How you rush to charge your phone when the battery goes below 5%.
Your baby side-eying you, wondering why you don’t rush to feed it like that.
5. The way your heart beats when the moment you get a notification.
The actual best feeling.
6. The sadness when you leave your phone for hours and no one messages you.
Where is the love?
7. The way you start eyeing the new model of your phone, the minute it comes out.
Just to touch the hem of the garment of this new iPhone.
8. Obsessing over phone cases to give the phone.
Should I do pink or black? How about pink and black?
9. How you behave when you’re in VI and you realise you left your phone at home in Agege.
It’s not too far, let me quickly go back. Maybe she has replied my DM.
Welcome to the daily Ultimate Love recap. Ultimate Love is the hottest reality show in town, and we’ll be giving you all the gist complete with the drama, the awwns and the ehyas. Stick around!
Aunty’s Chat Room
As you read this, Aunty is in the love pad, having a one on one discussion with the each of the Love Guests.
Because all the tea is about to make this show twice as lit.
This one is really sweeting me because I need to know if my predictions about some relationships are right. I bet viewers are getting tired of struggling to read the minds and actions of the Love Guests. Even me, I’m tired of adding 2 and 2 together. A chat with Aunty should let us know who they would be interested in getting paired with, long term. I’ll bring all the juicy details of this chat same time tomorrow.
Task Presentation
Yesterday evening, the love guests had short presentations on Nigerian culture and tradition, with each guest representing different tribes. All 16 LG were dressed in traditional attire that represented the tribes they talked about. It was pretty interesting, and importantly, it made the LGs loosen up.
Meanwhile, on the pairings and speed dating end of things…
A lot of the love guests are still treating speed dating like investor’s meeting.
When will they learn that it’s from these sessions that they’ll pick their life partners, ehn?
Then new partners were picked for the next 24 hours. So far, they don’t seem to be putting a lot of effort into knowing their new partners and this is possibly because they already know it’s temporary.
RelationshipsTo Watch Out For:
Remember how I said Rosie was getting really comfortable with David? Well today, Rosie is thrice as comfortable, despite having a new partner. Her efforts are being reciprocated as David on his end makes effort to spend time with her. Too early to predict, but we stan a power couple.
Iyke and Theresa:
Same ol’ Theresa, trying to see who’s best for her by spending time with both Louis and Iyke. We stan a mutitasking queen.
Random Conversations
in the House
Ebi was kind enough to some tips that could help Kachi secure Rosie, in case he’d love to win her heart.
Kachi casually asked Rosie what she would do if her husband brings home a child that’s not hers for her to raise. Oluwa, wetin dey happen.
Iyke and Nkechi tried to bond today, only for Theresa to develop some sudden illness that flew off her body, the moment Iyke caressed her arms. After God, fear women.
Now that the Love Guests are relaxed and getting along pretty well, the drama is bound to come anytime soon.
After creating a quiz that revealed how you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day, we’re now here to tell what gift you should expect on that very stressful day. From lazy hampers to affordable underwear, this quiz knows the main gift you’ll get on February 14.
Take to find out:
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
Are you a Unilorin student with no idea of what to do this Valentine’s day? Don’t panic. That’s why we are here for you. We have brought you correct prophecies, wonderful love tips, even food hacks. What’s a Valentine’s Day idea that we can’t provide? Settle down and hear what we have to offer.
1. You and your bae, both of you should go to ShopRite.
Buy bread to eat beans with, Ariel soap to wash your student tag, and Supreme Ice Cream that you will sit down outside and lick. Or you can just be pushing yourselves around inside the trolley. We Found Love in a Hopeless Place, Unilorin version.
2. Or Dominos and Coldstone, if ShopRite is too razz for you.
We know that you always lie to collect extra money from your parents. Why not spend it here? You’ll get the full worth of your money, and your lover will love you more.
3. You can also see a movie at Viva.
Fun tip: Sellotape bread to your partner’s body and ask her to wear a big sweater on top. Tie stew inside black nylon and keep it in your head warmer. These are places nobody checks. Enter that cinema and eat your bread and stew in peace. Movie date + dinner night. The greatest.
4. You can buy Item 7 with extra rice, extra chicken, extra plantain and coleslaw.
Then you will take it to your hostel and watch a movie on your laptop. Valentine’s Day dinnor pass that one.
5. Don’t forget the Chicken Republic at Tanke Junction.
They always have a Refuel Combo that will not tear your pocket.
6. Or Succoth Gardens and Water View.
Especially if you want to plan your future together. Just carry home cooked food and wrapper that you will spread on the grass. Spend Valentine with nature.
7. You can also visit Charcoal at Tanke Junction.
This place is quite new, and so beautiful. And they won’t charge you for ambience.
8. Because it’s Friday, you can also visit the central mosque on campus.
This is where you know if your partner is a demon sent to ruin your life.
10. Or Chapel of the Light.
The heavenly race your mates are running, is it not more important than Valentine?
Watch Zikoko’s Blind Date Premiere
We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
Listen up, guys! It’s about to be that time of the year again. When all the red and whites, plus the ghost of St.Valentine, put your mercury in Lucozade and you get very bad ideas to do very bad things on Valentine’s Day.
Because we care about you and there are only so many times one person should get their hearts broken, here’s a quick little guide on everything to avoid this Valentine’s Day:
1. Calling that ex.
You did it last month. You flashed her last week and you’ve been looking to see when she’ll be online on WhatsApp ever since. Plis stop. Miracle probably won’t happen on Valentine’s Day call MTN customer care if you’re feeling lonely.
2. Wearing red and white.
And not killing it.
Look, we want MET gala, we want Oscars Red Carpet, AMVCA if you can manage it. Go hard or go home.
3. Drunk texting.
Read number 1 again. Dun do it Jackie.
4. Don’t go broke in the name in the name of love.
If your bobo has been tweeting how he wants a PS 4 for Valentine’s and your money doesn’t is only long enough for brick game; let your account balance dictate the tune. Don’t let your story be one of had thy know.
5. Don’t get too drunk when you’re out drinking alone with no one to love.
Na single you single, you no kill pesin.
6. If you’re in Lagos and you haven’t already started heading to the restaurant you want to go to for Valentine’s Day, you are wrong.
You know how the traffic is. Oya, wear your suit and start walking there, you know there are no bikes.
7. One major thing you absolutely shouldn’t do is miss out on the Zikoko Blind Date.
The show drops on February 14th, 2020. Here’s a quick trailer.
Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.
Today’s episode is about Aisha*, a 300 level student of Biological Science at Ahmadu Bello University. She talks about discovering her sexuality in university, after several years of suppressing it.
When did you get into university?
I got into university in 2017, which was also the year I graduated from secondary school. I applied for Medicine and Surgery, but I got Biology. In retrospect, I’m glad that I got Biology — I don’t think I’d have coped as a medical student.
How did medicine get into the mix in the first place?
Ben Carson inspired me. At first, I wanted to be a neurosurgeon, but the sight of blood frightens me. I thought about Neuroscience, but it wasn’t available in any Nigerian University. My mum convinced me that Medicine and Surgery would do. I should add that Ahmadu Bello University was also my parent’s idea. My plan was to study at University of Ilorin because it was a good distance between me and home in Abuja. But my mum insisted it was too far, and as it turned out, I had no stake in the conversation. She has visited me only once since I started here, by the way.
How did that make you feel?
I felt caged at first. I thought ABU would be like the rest of the north.
What do you mean?
I’ve been visiting my grandmother in Kaduna since I was a kid. She lives in a conservative community, and I don’t dress like the typical Hausa Muslim, so I usually get weird looks and stuff. It got unnerving at some point. I thought ABU would be like that too — it is in a way, but it’s not as bad as what you’d find in other communities
Got it. How excited were you about university?
My heart was still set on Medicine and Surgery even after I got in, so I was excited to make a switch. I planned on writing UTME again or getting a First Class in my first semester, so I could facilitate my switch to the Medicine and Surgery department. That didn’t happen. Lmao.
Generally, I was psyched to be in university. I was on my own for the first time in my life. Before I got into university, I didn’t know what the night sky looked like. I was always inside the house before 7 PM. I was basically grounded at home.
So, university was exciting as hell at first, but the novelty started to wear off after I realised how stressful it is.
How easy was it for you to navigate the new environment?
I was confused for the better part of my first semester. It didn’t help that I was a terrible decision-maker — I still am, by the way — one minute, my parents were making the decisions for me, then the other minute, I was making decisions myself and I often made the wrong ones. Those were dark times. But things started to get more interesting when I started to learn more about myself. I don’t think I knew who I was before I got into school.
Could you talk more about this?
It was the most random thing ever. I was with a friend when she looked at me and she was like, “You’re bi.” I laughed it off because it sounded ridiculous, but deep down, I felt uncomfortable because she had hit too close to home.
Did you ever have a feeling that you might not be heterosexual?
As a child, I didn’t know a lot about sexual orientation, but looking back now, I think I might have had an idea that I wasn’t heterosexual from the first time I had a vivid dream about this Nigerian actress. I knew that I was slightly different from what others would term as ‘normal’, but I suppressed the feelings and refused to accept them.
Why was that?
I didn’t know any better, so I didn’t think I had the option to be more than what the society had decided was normal. There was no space to be anything but heterosexual, even if I wasn’t. It was a “fake it till you know nothing else” situation.
Fair enough.
But my friend had opened a door, and no matter how hard I tried to fight it, the realisation wouldn’t go away. I talked to another friend about this and she assured me that I was okay.
Now, I’d accepted that I might not be heterosexual, but I still wasn’t sure what I was. Not until recently when I watched ‘Sex Education’ and I discovered this character, Ola, who was pansexual. I was curious about that, so I googled everything I could and every piece of information I found was the perfect description of me. This was a relief because I always thought I was weird. Prior to this time, I couldn’t relate to what my bi-sexual friends were going on about when they talked about liking girls more than boys or liking boys more than girls. It was such a huge relief to find out that there’s a spectrum where I fit in.
Also, I think it took this long to realise who I am because I wasn’t like the other bi-sexual people I knew in school. I didn’t feel like I belonged with them or that we shared something in common.
What do you mean?
They were in a crew and they knew who they were way before I did. Whenever they described their sexual attraction to other people, I always felt strange. And I was really confused about that, making it easy to stick with heterosexuality until recently when I discovered that I have the option of pansexuality.
What did discovering your sexuality mean for you?
It solved a portion of my identity crisis. I had always felt that something was wrong with me because I didn’t fit in. I discovered and accepted that I was pansexual and I found a missing piece to the puzzle.
What has been the toughest part of this discovery?
Well, I can’t tell most of the people closest to me. I was having a conversation with my mum about Jussie Smollet’s scandal and I mentioned that he was gay. You should have seen her reaction. I don’t remember what she said, but it was something along the lines of “God forbid giving birth to a bad thing.” I knew at that moment that I couldn’t tell her, even though I wanted to so badly. I went into the bathroom and cried.
I’m sorry about that.
I felt unnatural. It’s one thing for everyone to condemn queer people to hell, but it’s another thing for your own mother to react condescendingly to someone who was, in essence, like you. That put a dent in our relationship. In fact, no one in my family knows, not even most of my friends, except it comes up in a conversation.
The loneliness can get overwhelming sometimes, but there are people I’m completely honest with and I’ve found a community in them. Not everyone needs to know me, so not everyone will, and that’s fine because this is my journey to self-discovery. I’m trying out new things and removing all constraints in my way. I’m excited to see how far I can go.
What has changed for you since you had this sexual awakening?
A lot, fam. This might come off as cliche but I’ve become more comfortable in my skin and willing to try out new things. It’s liberating, really.
How has it affected your academics?
My academics fit into this journey of discovery. When everything started, it came with the realisation of the best reading methods and changed how I retained information. So yes, school became more fun.
Would you say you’ve figured it out completely?
Nah, I’ve not. As a matter of fact, I don’t think anyone has. Even the people I look up to still struggle with their sexuality, so I know there’s a lot more to learn about myself. I’ve not explored most of my attraction towards people because these streets aren’t safe. The university is pretty small and word travels fast.I’m waiting to get out into the real world to fully come into myself.
Do you think you won’t have discovered this if you didn’t go to uni, or went to another university?
I don’t know for sure. However, I think it would have come into full glare one way or the other, even if I was in another school. It might take longer for me to realise, but ultimately, there was always going to be the reveal.
What do you expect you will find in the coming years?
I’m excited and open to more discoveries, but low-key, I’m keeping my expectations down a notch. I’ve realised that expectations lead to disappointment. I don’t think I’m equipped to deal with such disappointment, so I’m just going along with the flow. It’s better that way.
*The subject’s name has been changed to protect her identity.
Are you currently studying in Nigeria or elsewhere and have a story to share about your life in school? Please take a minute to fill this form and we will reach out to you ASAP.
Can’t get enough Aluta and Chill?Check back every Thursday at noon for a new episode. Find other stories in the series here.
For most people, the number one thing on their list of New Year resolutions is joining #FitFam. Well, if you made that promise to yourself as you entered 2020, then this post is for you.
1. Your body, when you promised to join #FitFam in 2020:
“We’ve heard this before.”
2. You, dusting off your gym clothes from #FitFam2019:
I swear this time will be different.
3. You, refusing to return to the gym after one session:
Nah. Nope. Never. I can’t come and kill myself.
4. When you see how much you spent on healthy food.
From where to where?
5. You, shamefully waking up at midnight to eat eba:
Don’t look at me.
6. You, judging yourself whenever you cheat on your diet:
“After all the mouth you made?”
7. You, begging the calories in shawarma to reduce:
Please na. Just reduce for today.
8. When you climb the scale and the number has gone up.
What sorcery is this?
9. When someone posts their body transformation.
Abeg, shift.
10. When someone who is eating says “come and join me”.
Please, don’t tempt me.
11. How you reward yourself after eating a salad:
I’ve earned this.
12. You, secretly hoping the Okada ban helps you lose weight.
At least, let one good thing come out of this nonsense.
See ehn, in this life, everything isn’t about money. Okay, about 99% of things or 99.9% of things are, but let’s not get carried away. Included in these things that do not have to be about money, is no other than Valentine’s Day.
We’re not calling you broke, but we took a little peek into your account balance and called an emergency meeting to discuss how to help your life, especially with Valentine’s Day looming.
Straight from our minutes of meeting, here are easy ways to maximise that last ₦ 1500 in your account:
1. Appreciate nature!
Who needs to buy a dozen roses for 24k? Ixora them-them are right outside. Use hand to pack like 58 and give the LOYL, it’s the thought that counts.
2. A home-cooked meal.
Now we’re not saying Indomie super pack (except things have gotten that bad, then do you boo), we’re thinking more native soup with a sweet shared bowl of eba. The romance when you both touch hands as you reach for the water bowl at the same time, ugh!
3. Act a play.
We know your DSTV subscription has expired and you won’t be renewing until payday in a couple of weeks. We need you to get creative for your night in on Valentine’s Day. Play charades or act out the first part of Black Berry babes for the LOYL, they’ll appreciate how you bring so many characters to life.
4. Take a long romantic walk together.
If you’re in Lagos, the roads will be crowded because everyone’s walking now, but again, it’s the thought that counts.
5. Get you and the LOYL matching school uniforms and go see a movie at student price.
They’ll appreciate the ingenuity, trust us!
6. Taking a romantic bucket bath together after a long day of work and trekking back home.
Whoever said bucket baths aren’t romantic, clearly hasn’t shared the dramatic waterfall finish with a loved one before. Clearly.
7. And the very best thing you can do is to use office wi-fi to download our new show – Blind Date.
Valentine’s day is coming and Nigerian men are tired of the boxers agenda that has been making the rounds since 90B.C
As part of our C.S.R, we have curated a list of affordable yet sweet gifts for the sweet man in your life.
1) Sandals:
You definitely do not need to break the bank to make your Nigerian man look as sweet as he has the potential to be. Imagine this paired with freshly laundered native, he will forever thank and love you.
For less than N10,000, your man can be the sweetest today.
2) Native attire:
Your Nigerian king deserves only the best and you should treat him as such.
3) Perfume:
You can never go wrong with perfumes, and you don’t have to go over N10,000 before you find something that makes him smell like a million bucks.
4) Bracelets:
One of the best-kept secrets is by how much a man’s appeal is boosted by bracelets and other essentials. The beautiful part is they don’t cost too much.
5) Sunshades:
“See my dark shades on like I can’t see you but you know say me fancy you.” – Oluwaburna.
Everybody has pictured how badass they look in a pair of sunshades walking down the road. The beauty is that there are relatively affordable sunshades out there that will do the trick.
If he uses prescription lenses, you can throw in cool frames as a gift.
6) Shoes:
From sneakers to corporate shoes, the list is unending, The options are limitless.
7) Shirts:
Casual clothing, formal wear, pls. The list is too much and many are not overly expensive.
8) Gadgets:
Earphones, headset, new charger, new USB cord, new laptop battery, new fitness watch. Again? Not too expensive gifts.
9) Skincare products:
A couple that moisturizes together glows together. From lip balm for harmattan, to hand lotion, to body lotion to even shampoo. Depending on how willing he is, you can even throw in face cleanser and a face mask.
10) Pay for his DSTV subscription:
Don’t let him miss his favorite football matches or shows. Subscribe for either his DSTV, Netflix, or GoTv.
In the spirit of love, we present Zikoko’s blind dating where we link up strangers and send them on an all-expense-paid date with the hope that something kicks off from there.
Welcome to the daily Ultimate Love recap. Ultimate Love is the hottest reality show in town, and we’ll be giving you all the gist complete with the drama, the awwns and the ehyas. Stick around!
ICYMI, Aunty was in the love pad to chat with the love guests yesterday. It got so juicy, we just had to write about it as promised. Let’s get straight into the details, shall we?
Let’s start with Arnold:
From his conversation with Aunty, we learned that Arnold spent his young adult life in a refugee camp, but that he’s currently based in Lagos and really, really serious about meeting the love of his life here — he’d love to tell his kids he met their mom on reality TV show.
Then Chris who is super sure she’ll find a man during the show:
Chris revealed that it’s SUPER important to her that she finds a man on this show and she’s quite positive it’s going to happen. Her mum doesn’t pressure her about marriage, but when her mum is praying, she cries and hope Chris finds a man soon.
Kachi is here to get his ultimate “missing rib” – his words, not mine.
He grew up with his uncle, a knight, whom he really looked up to. As usual, he talked about his business. Given he’s been going on and on about the scar fading cream he sells, it’s a surprise he didn’t talk to Aunty about it.
Me, genuinely shocked.
Theresa on her worries about making the wrong choice:
Theresa might be the youngest in the house, but she is ready to show someone to her parents this year. Her bosses at work encouraged her to audition for the show so that she can stop bashing men on her WhatsApp statuses.
Whatever Theresa has accused men of doing, they did it. Periodt.
She’s confused as to who to pick because some of the men are quite straight forward with her, and she’s worried that she won’t select the person who selects her back. Hmmmm, Iyke, you are in my prayers. Hottest babe in the pad might not pick you oh.
Obichukwu caught his ex in bed with another man on his way to surprise her. Surprise jam surprise.
We’re not sure whether to laugh or cry.
Not so surprisingly though, Obichukwu is a mummy’s boy; he wouldn’t be at the Love Pad if mummy didn’t agree to it.
He’s here because he’s ready to give love another chance and to start having kids. It be the human specie that don’t have to carry another human or two in their stomach that’s always ready to start having kids. Abeg.
Worth noting though, sex before marriage issa no from him.
Ebi, Ebi, Ebi…. Hmmm
This was quite an emotional chat. She has some deep daddy issues, and she’s quite sad because she’s unmarried without kids.
Girl, relax, you’re just 26 — well, unless she gave us football age sha.
Ebi used to hate men because of the way her dad treated her mum. Throughout the chat with Aunty, she was really open. She told her that she worried no one would be interested in marrying her and about her self-esteem issues. She’s willing to work on it, as she’s really looking for a man to love her.
Deadbeat dads, do better abeg. I’m really hoping she ends up with a patient and understanding partner.
Louis believes love is a tree…
… with different fruits. His favourite fruits from the tree of love are mutual respect and understanding, as he believes that’s the foundation for a lot of things.
He’s a Gemini who’s really into horoscope. He’s been single for over a year, and he’s going into this relationship with a business mindset. He’s ready to get married, and he’s pretty certain his job can pay the bills.
Come through, awon eyan Dangote.
He met Dangote’s daughter to discuss business for real, so I mean this literally and figuratively.
Let’s talk about sharp girl, Bolanle.
Bolanle’s last boyfriend was an Uber driver she met when she booked his ride, but the relationship ended because they had issues with communication. Because she’s lost two of her cousins to the sickle cell disease, she’s always quick to ask her prospective partners their genotype. She’s so full of life and I love hearing her talk. She grew up in Mushin with 12 siblings. Because she’s from a polygamous background, she really wants a small close knit family. We have no choice but to stan a woman who knows what she wants.
I really enjoyed Aunty’s chat with them, especially because we finally get to know their lives before the show. Aunty will be back in the house later this evening to chat with the remaining Love Guests, and Koko will be bringing you more juice.
Every day at 5 pm, we’ll publish a new update on this show – complete with the drama, the awwns and the ehyas. Stick around!
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and this piece of news can mean many things for different people. That’s why we came up with this list of the different types of people before Valentine’s Day. Now read and tell us which one of them you are. We are number… never mind.
1. Those who wax their body parts in anticipation of only God knows what.
We are not judging you oh, we just want to know why you are doing what you are doing.
2. Those who are busy putting themselves on the map.
This one that nobody has asked for my home or work address against friday, How will delivery man find his way?
Are you studying in University of Ibadan but you can’t decide on what to do with your partner on Valentine’s Day? That doesn’t sound like fun, and we’re here to remedy it. Continue reading for our suggestions.
Take an evening stroll to Awba Dam
A simple visit to Awba dam could be all you need to have yourself a memorable Valentine’s day. Fetch yourselves, walk hand in hand, talk about stuff and connect more deeply. The gate to the dam itself is probably going to be under lock, but don’t let it deter you — you will still get a good view of the dam. To reward yourselves, you can make for Jay’s spot in Independence Hall for a much-deserved plate of one of the best noodles, chicken, and chips in the university community.
Spend quality time at Botanical Garden
Pay the cheap gate fee and make your way through the plethora of plants and trees you probably don’t know their names — but that’s where the fun it. You can attempt to read their names from the tags and laugh at your futile efforts. Also, there’s a hill at one end of the garden — you can carve your names on it if you’re feeling it. It’s Valentine’s Day, after all.
Hangout in Love Garden or Heritage Park
Well, Valentine is about celebrating love and where better to do this than the UI ‘Love Garden’. There’s not much to do here but there’s a lot to see as it’s a hub of activities. All you need to do is to find a seat and watch as everything unfold.
However, if you’d like some privacy — for whatever reasons — Heritage Park, across Queen’s Hall is your spot (you didn’t hear this from us.)
Spend the day at Agodi Gardens
The #500 (#1500 if you want swimming pool access) gate fee gets you into the garden. Now, all that is left is to explore all its offerings, which include a zoo and other fun options (you will have to pay extra for most of them, though.)
Find what works for you at Ventura Mall
Ventura mall is only some distance away from the university, and pretty much everything you will be looking for is there — from the arcade to Filmhouse cinema. A piece of advice that you didn’t ask for: we’re not saying that you’re broke oh, but you should probably avoid that lounge on the ground floor.
Grab a steaming plate of Amala at Amala Skye
Is well-made Amala and orisirisi your love language? Say no more, Amala Skye in Bodija is there for you.
Grab a couple of drinks at Spices
If it’s doing you to grab some drinks, you should go to Spices in the Abadina area. Get a table and order away.
WatchZikoko Blind Date
We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
Too many Nigerian music videos are boring retreads of already tired concepts. That’s why we created #WatchThis — a series that focuses on the visuals that absolutely deserve your attention.
Lady Donli — “Corner”
Lady Donli’s debut album, Enjoy Your Life was easily one of 2019’s most compelling releases. Now, the captivating star has dropped an instantly iconic video for LP standout, “Corner”.
On the fantastic track, featuring VanJess and The Cavemen, Donli sings about people trying to take advantage of her. For the video, she expands on this theme, exploring how women are generally treated in Nigeria.
Beautifully directed by Shaun Kalu, the Nollywood-inspired clip thoughtfully tackles the effects of sexual harassment, the power of female solidarity and the importance of having our voices heard.
In perhaps the worst case we’ve ever seen of somebody using their sand-sand to spoil another’s garri, the Bayelsa State Governor-Elect – APC’s David Lyon, just had his victory nullified. It’s all thanks to the efforts of deputy-governor elect, Biobarakuma Degi-Eremienyo.
FYI, this nullification happened just one day to the Bayelsa State inauguration.
We promise this whole thing wouldn’t even be funny, except for the fact that this same guy – David Lyon, already won a ‘Best Governor of the year 2019‘ award without even being sworn in. Majik.
His Excellency, the former Governor Elect of Bayelsa State David Lyon who received an award early this year as best Governor of 2019 has been sacked by the Supreme Court less than 24 Hours to his inauguration as Governor.
We know you probably have a number of questions as to what happened, so we’ve listed them out with answers to go.
Why did David Lyon lose the Bayelsa Governor-Elect post?
About that. It would appear that his running mate – Biobarakuma Degi-Eremienyo — many, many years ago, decided he didn’t have the gaddem energy to shade his long names into those little boxes they make you fill for the GCE. Almost understandable. He allegedly took a short-cut and got fake certifications instead.
Fast forward a few years and our guy allegedly submitted educational certificates with different names to INEC. This led a Federal high court to disqualify Biobarakuma from contesting the elections in November 2019. However, an Appeal Court allowed his qualification in December 2019, permitting him to contest the Bayelsa elections as Lyon’s running mate.
But maybe they shouldn’t have, because the Supreme Court finally decided that he wasn’t qualified to be deputy governor on February 13th, 2020. Welp.
Why does the Bayelsa Deputy-Governor’s disqualification affect the Governor’s?
Glad you asked. It would appear that because it was a joint ticket, what happens to the GCE- deficient goose, affects the qualified gander. In other words, it was a tainted joint ticket and his Deputy’s sins affected David Lyon’s gubernatorial fate. Womp womp.
What happens after the Bayelsa State disqualification.
Well, you would expect that a re-run election would be carried out to enable the Bayelsa people pick a candidate that suits their wishes. However, things don’t work like that over here in Nigeria.
Instead, the Court has directed INEC to issue the certificate of return (i.e. the governorship seat more or less) to the candidate with the next highest number of votes – PDP’s Diri Duoye. He is expected to be inaugurated in Lyon’s stead.
You just know this is how Lyon is looked at his deputy when the news of the nullification came in.
Biobarakuma Degi-Eremienyo now joins the ranks of Kemi Adeosun and Salisu Buhari who lost their posts to forged certificates. This is Nigeria!
Valentine’s Day seems as good a time as any to interrogate your love life (or lack thereof). So, we created a quiz that tells you why you’re not in a relationship. From your insanely high standards to your lack of time, we discover why you’re still single.
Go ahead:
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
and Keke 
bans,
solution to all your transport woes: iWAKA, a movement app that takes advantage of our original god-given tool of transportation — limbs aka legs 
to the Lagos state administration who thought they could surprise us with the ban of okadas and kekes and leave us stranded without alternatives. Well guess what, Administration? THE JOKE IS ON YOU! We have legs and we have a badass app to help us use them for moving about. Keep your measly 65 buses! We got our own FEET 
. 
this valentines 
. Also look out for our sista app weWAKA, which lets you experience Lagos traffic while walking by congregating thousands to walk on the same road at the same time!
(@julesbabyyyyy) 
(@Gbemmysolahh2) 
(@ofima3) 
