If any of these veteran Nollywood actresses were to be a mother-in-law, what kind would they be? Wicked? Nice? Carefree? This post tries to imagine it all.
NB: This is not a reflection of their true personalities.
1. The one who will help you care for your baby.
She will help you back the baby so you can relax. With her, you don’t have to worry about bathing the baby because you know she will handle it. And she will. She will back him, stroll around with him on her back, and play with him. At night, she will insist that you let the baby sleep in her room.
2. The one who will accuse you of bewitching her son.
If you want to have peace, just tell her son to always visit her and send money every week unfailingly. Because if this does not happen, she will not hesitate to say that you are keeping her son from her and maybe you have used jazz on him.
3. The one who will assist you to collect extra money from her son.
Just talk to her and she will devise the means. She is fun-loving, and enjoys a good time out. Her son will give her everything she demands. And she knows it too.
4. The one who will set you up with potential dates so you can make money.
And she doesn’t even consider it serious. She understands that you are a beautiful girl. In her prime, she was the hottest chick in town and all the men wanted her. She has developed her tricks from there. You’ll be her protege, and if you play your cards well, you’ll never have any problem with her.
5. The one who is a slay mama herself.
Dresses to kill, might have a sugar baby on the side. Has no time for any crying baby. When she comes visiting you, she spends a long time on her phone. She has an Instagram account and a Facebook account. Each she dresses up, she asks you to take pictures of her.
6. The one who will demand for male children.
She likes you, but she will like you more when you produce a male child. Her belief is that male children will help carry on the lineage. It will take a long time to change her train of thought.
7. The one who is studying for her PhD.
Education matters to her, and each time she comes visiting (which is usually once in a while), she reminds you not to get carried away with the distraction of marriage. She is quick to remind you of her many degrees, quick to tell you of her plans for the future. She might end up as a professor.
8. The one who will always take your side.
Even if you are not her daughter, once she loves you, she loves you. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. So whenever your husband reports you, she is quick to take your side whether you are wrong or not. She will support you as opposed to supporting her son. Once her son leaves though, she will state the areas where you are at fault.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships”.
With a cover like this, I’m no longer sure if this a book about the sinfulness of oral sex or the deliciousness of foot fetishism.
The book starts off defining oral sex as improper use of the body, which is putting it mildly but you know, whatever. It says our bodies are temples of the Lord which means that we’re not supposed to violate our ours (or anyone else’s) by using body parts for what God never intended.
What follows is this list:
Eyes for a definite purpose for sight.
Nose for perceiving odour and breath.
Ears for the sense of hearing.
Hands and legs for general operations.
Mouth specifically for eating and communication
Tongue for the sense of taste.
At this point, I was just like:
How else would I know what my ears were for?
The book goes on to state that God carved out (ouch) the genitals for definite purposes:
The Penis (for urination and sex)
The Vagina (for urination, sex, and childbirth)
The anus (for defecation)
The fact that whoever wrote this book thinks that women pee out of their vaginas is killing me. Then there’s the fact that the anus is listed as a genital.
But I don’t have all day so let’s move on.
The book uses more paragraphs than it needs to explain that God designed sex to be enjoyed the way he intended, which means that any deviation from his design falls in the realm of sexual perversion. There’s also a line about how regular penetrative sex (penis to the vagina) is sexual intercourse and literally anything else counts as a sexual act.
Then there was this:
Girl 1: “Where you going, girl?”
Girl 2; “Just over to Daquan’s house to soak some dick.”
If you’re wondering why the writer is so gung-ho about masturbation being a terrible thing, click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.
The writer goes on a long rant about how oral sex is a sin of lust, not love, and is also a gateway act to exploring other perverted forms of sexual release like (and I’m quoting the book verbatim with these examples): sex toys, vibrators, internet sex, fantasy, sex videos, masturbation, pornography etc.
You know what? Forget it.
According to this book, opening Pandora’s Box of Perverted Sexual Delights in a marriage will lead to sexual bondage: a stage where a person becomes addicted to sex. Not just regular vanilla sex, but messed up nipple-clamping-anal-fisting-candle-wax-on-the-scrotum type of sex. Once one gets to this point, they get trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying sexual sessions with their partner. “Mutual love is gone and fleshy sex has taken over.”
I can’t be the only one that expected the backdoor to be the anus.
At this point, the writer implies that the real reason people don’t go about talking about their sex lives to everyone that’ll listen is that the devil convinced them not to. Here’s the devil’s reason for doing this:
Girl I…
Now, the writer is sure to explain that foreplay isn’t forbidden in Christian marriages. In a chapter named “The Art Of Romancing In Marriage”, it is explained how Christian foreplay works:
What I love the most about this book is how the writer comes off like some kind of Artificial Intelligence created by the same people that write the scripts for Mount Zion’s Cinematic Universe. After the explanation above, he says that during coitus, couples are allowed to get each other “activated” for sexual intercourse by kissing mouth to mouth (NOT MOUTH TO GENITALS) and rubbing of the body’s sensitive parts (neck and chest/breast).
After this, the writer proceeds to drop what I consider to be the funniest line I’ve come across since I started recapping books like this. He makes a statement about how one should be able to praise God in all situations and he is convinced that praising God is impossible during oral sex.
HOW?!
The book ends with a question I’m convinced will haunt me for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX? YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX???!
The entire time I was reading this, I kept waiting for the writer to address the effects of oral sex in regular relationships but he never did. Then I remembered that this brand of Christianity doesn’t acknowledge dating.
Damn.
Anyway, here’s a shorter summary of the book using one meme:
Spot on.
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
Click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.
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Don’t deny it, you sometimes feel the urge to cheat on your partner. To, you know, look outside. Only that you are afraid of being caught. And sweetheart, we understand. That’s why we are here to make things easier for you. Read our advice and you’ll do just fine.
One thing though: take this advice at your own risk. If it backfires, don’t mention our names, please.
1. When you’ve been caught, say that it’s the devil’s work.
If you were not caught naked, you can simply say that he’s your cousin or brother. And if you were caught naked, just say you’re auditioning for a movie role and this is just practice. He will not believe you, and this will move you to step 2.
2. Quickly scatter the table and accuse your partner of not trusting you.
Shout. Say that: “You mean after all these years of being together you think I’ll cheat on you? You don’t trust what we have? You think I’m cheap?”
3. Break down in tears.
Men love a vulnerable woman.
4. Strip naked and say the following:
“If you break up with me, I’ll will give this beautiful body to someone else. I will share my body!” Men can’t stand the thoughts of that. He will beg you quickly.
5. But if tables turn and he doesn’t not beg you, go on a hunger strike.
You’ll appear remorseful. But when you’re alone, eat to your satisfaction. Men are not worth your hunger.
6. In the midnight, wake him.
Ask him: “Do you remember when we first met and you promised to always love me? Remember? Why are you now going back on your words? Why are men so unfaithful?”
7. Swear, promise that you’ll never do it again.
But you know that you will. Is it not just cheating? After all, you did not break up with your partner.
We understand that there’s a lot of mystery surrounding why women cheat. To help clarify it a bit, we spoke to 7 women. You’ll find their answers enlightening: 7 Women Share Why They Cheated
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual man who has slept with over 300 women. He talks about regretting the unbelievable number and the stories behind a lot of the encounters.
What was your first sexual experience?
I don’t know if this counts, but the maid used to make me sleep with her when I was 8 years old. It happened about 10 times and finally stopped when she left. I now know that it was sexual assault, but I don’t think it affected me in any way.
I actually forgot about it for a while. Then when I got older, I just randomly remembered the experience. I don’t think it left any major scars. I just think of it as something that happened a long time ago.
Damn. I’m sorry. When was your first consensual experience?
The first time I intentionally slept with a woman, I was 16. She was a little older — I think around 22. She came to stay with my neighbour during one of these long holidays, and we hit it off.
I didn’t even think it would happen. We just used to have friendly bants. It was actually my older cousin who wanted to sleep with her, but she was scared and apprehensive because he was almost 30.
How did the relationship transition from a platonic one to a sexual one?
We both felt comfortable with each other, so we’d just spend hours talking. One day, I was talking to her about feelings, and she said something about liking me. I then jokingly asked her if she liked me enough to have sex with me.
To my surprise, she said yes. I decided not to tell her that I hadn’t had sex before, because I thought she would change her mind. Anyway, we had sex and it was really nice. Then we did it every day until she left.
What happened after?
Funny enough, while the experience was definitely great, it didn’t turn me into some sex-hungry monster. The next time I hooked up with another person was almost a year later. I was very patient about it.
What’s your sex life like these days?
I think I am officially on the road to retirement. My sex life is nothing at all like it used to be. This year has been really tame, especially when you compare it to what went on in my past.
What went on in your past?
It’s a mix of fun and regretful memories. I’ve been with north of 300 women, and while that might sound unbelievable, it’s unfortunately very true. I even find it hard to believe sometimes.
300? Seriously? How did you manage that?
I honestly don’t know. Many times, I feel like I actually haven’t had that much sex, but I know that’s just me trying to make myself feel better. I know it’s an insane number, but it’s a mix of motivations that got me to that point.
What kind of motivations?
Sometimes it was because I wanted to prove a point to friends. Sometimes I’d be mad at a guy and decide to punish him by sleeping with his babe. Sometimes it was a bet. Sometimes it was because I saw a couple smiling and I wanted to test their bond.
Honestly, this is really hard for me to talk about because I see how terrible I used to be. It wasn’t always for a messed up reason though. Sometimes I’d sleep with a babe, and she’d recommend me to a friend.
Wait. People used to bet with you to sleep with women?
Yeah. My friends and I would give each other a time frame — usually around a month — to sleep with a woman in a relationship, and if you pulled it off, you could win up to N200k. I did a bunch of these kinds of bets, and I only ever lost one of them.
Did you ever date anyone during this time?
Yeah, I did, but during that period, I didn’t take any bets.
Did you sleep with other people though?
I did, but we were on a break when it happened. So, I didn’t feel like I was cheating or anything. The sex wasn’t even that great, so it only happened once and I told my babe once the break ended.
So, you never cheated, but you were testing other people’s relationships?
I’ve never felt the need to cheat. I also think cheating is impossible to stop once you start, so I just never went there. About testing people’s relationships, it was fun for me at the time. I enjoyed the thrill.
Like, in retrospect, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I just really enjoyed seeing how strong their commitment really was. I also liked the fact it was never really more than sex for the women. Once we were done, they’d just return to their boyfriends.
Would you ever forgive a partner for cheating on you?
My answer might sound insane, but if there’s a way I can be sure she used a condom, then yes. If she had sex raw or gave him head, then nope. There’s no going back if you cheat without a condom.
What’s the difference?
I don’t know how to explain it, but sex without a condom just feels way too intimate to me. Also, giving him head is just too far. I mean, she’s going to come back and kiss me with that mouth. It feels extra disrespectful.
Were you using condoms during all your sexcapades?
A lot of times, yes. I’m a huge fan of condoms and I always have one on me. Sometimes I’d feel like having sex without them, but 80% of the time, I used a condom. I also get tested for STDs on a yearly basis.
Did you ever turn down a chance to have sex?
Ah. Yes now. I wasn’t that bad. Not to sound like an ass, but I don’t like ugly girls. It’s very difficult for me to get it up for an ugly girl. That’s not to say it never happened in a moment of weakness, but I typically turn them down.
I’ve also never slept with a married woman, a friend’s babe, a friend’s ex or a friend’s sister. Those are lines I’ve never been willing to cross, even when I was at my worst. So, yeah, I’ve been able to turn down sex a number of times.
So, what exactly happened that made you decide to change your ways?
I think it’s age. I did most of these things in my 20s. Now, I’m 31 and I feel the need to settle down. I want to focus on being with one woman. I actually like the idea of love and commitment, and I would like to try that again.
Will you tell whoever you choose to be with about your past?
Yeah, I will. I feel like I owe it to them.
Have you had to tell anyone yet?
Not in this much detail, but yeah. She was actually very understanding. She knew that it was in my past, and everyone has something in their past that they aren’t exactly proud of. So, she didn’t let it bother her.
Do you think you’d be as understanding if the situation was reversed?
Ah. I don’t think I would believe it if a babe says she’s slept with over 300 guys. However, if she insists that it’s true, I would definitely feel some type of way. But, if I really like her, I don’t think it would stop me from wanting to be with her.
Really?
Yeah. As long as she’s gotten tested and I don’t know any of the guys, I’m fine. I also need to be sure that it’s in the past, and she’s not like that anymore. I really don’t think it would be a big deal for me.
Knowing the guys would make a difference?
Not necessarily. It’s just to see how they behave around her when we’re together, so you know the fools and the normal people. Some guys can be stupid and try to flirt just because they have history. I just don’t want to have to deal with those ones.
So, body count really isn’t a factor for you?
Lowkey, I actually prefer babes with more bodies. I’m used to babes running or telling me to wait or stop or reduce my pace or whatever. So, when I hear that a babe has been with her fair share of guys, I assume she’ll be better in bed.
Oh?
Yeah. Igbo babes are usually the ones that can keep up. I love them so much. Yoruba babes tend to disappoint.
Is that a fair conclusion?
Well, in my experience, it is. I’ve been with between about 250 Igbo babes and maybe 30 Yoruba babes (probably a little less), and the results don’t lie. I have been with two Yoruba babes that were great, but at the end of the day, Igbo babes reign supreme.
Lmao. Ok. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Currently at 0. I’m trying to be a different person. I’ve decided not to be with anyone just for sex anymore. I want to learn how to be on my own, instead of just racking up more bodies. So, yeah, my sex life is virtually non-existent right now,
So, you’re celibate at the moment?
No oh. I’d have sex tomorrow if the right woman came along. I just want to stop having meaningless sex, not stop having sex entirely. I mean, my head might touch next week and I’ll scrap this entire thing, but for now, that’s my goal.
Check back every Saturday by 12 pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.
Being in self-isolation has driven me to experiment with a lot of things, especially food. And while some of these experiments have come back to slap me in the face, a lot of them have resulted in mind blowing, toe-curling orgasm. One of them is this Golden Morn experiment which I’m about to share with you.
Your Golden Morn experience is about to become lit.
1. Golden Morn and beans.
This gives a different flavour. One spoon of Golden Morn, another spoon of beans. Honestly, it slaps.
2. Golden Morn and groundnuts.
Think of it as drinking garri, actually. And isn’t Golden Morn garri that went to university?
3. Golden Morn and fried plantain.
Plantain makes everything better.
4. Golden Morn and Stew.
For the Yorubas who want a bit of pepper to go with everything.
5. Golden Morn and moi-moi.
Just think of it as drinking garri and eating moi moi with it. Besides, moi-moi is made from beans, so it’s technically like eating Golden Morn and beans.
The idea of a pre-wedding photo shoot is supposed to be fun and cute, but it looks like Nigerians like to take things too far. That’s what we thought when we looked at these pictures too.
1. What is the point of this?
What is the narrative behind this shoot? We need answers.
2. The sexual innuendo in this one is so glaring.
And we honestly are cheering them on, but really, is it necessary?
It is indeed sad that even in this day and age the Nigerian society still holds onto archaic notions about women. People still reference the silliest stereotypes about women, most of which have been steeped into deep seated misogyny. This is the year 2020 and it is time for this ridiculous Nigerian stereotypes about women need to die.
1. Women are their own enemies.
This would have been true if it wasn’t so ridiculous. Going by this logic every Nigerian woman hates every Nigerian woman. But in reality Nigerian women are collaborating together to start companies, run businesses, form supportive girl squads and change the narrative. The gaslighting this this stereotype is simply trite.
2. “Women are weak”.
You must not be acquainted with the fact that women as breadwinners in Nigerian families is on the fast rise. Women are holding down jobs while juggling other side hustles and raising children but somehow “weak” is still considered the right adjective?
Jealousy is a human trait sufficiently present in both genders. That’s why some men still consider “seeing you with him made me jealous” a cute thing to say. It’s not cute bruh.
5. “Women cannot play politics”.
A cursory google search will get you a long list of Nigerian women killing it in politics. But we’ll do you one and mention 2 of them here; Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala and Oby Ezekwesili. Google really is your friend.
6. “Women should get married in their 20’s if not there is a problem”.
Pele o, accurate time keeper. What else do you want us to do before we hit 30? Cook a maximum of 1357 times? Invent 56 indigenous recipes? Talk to us, we brought our jotters.
7. “Women don’t know what they want”.
Ok, we are going to need the source for the research that deemed clarity a function of gender. Please use the 7th edition of APA with your reference. Thank you.
8. “Women with anklets are hoes”.
The idea that an accessory is an accurate indication of anything other than the wearer’s style is simply ridiculous. You must have stumbled into 2020 by mistake so we’re going to wave you bye as you find your way back to 1816 where you belong. Bye!
9. “Women are too emotional”.
We’re the emotional ones but we’re not the ones devoting years of loyalty to football clubs that consistently disappoint. What is the logic behind football fanship? Yes, we know why you are still an Arsenal fan because the first jersey your grandpa bought for you was an Arsenal Jersey.
10. “Women spend too much”.
And men exist on nothing and indulge in nothing? Before you answer, keep in mind that PS4 comes with a 6 figure bill and we have receipts.
While you are here we need your review of our “What she said” series. Please be a darling and leave it here.
Bored and alone? Well, the feeling is mutual. This social distancing is not helping matters. But one has to do it; staying safe matters. While you are staying safe, we made a playlist of evergreen Nigerian love songs that you can listen to.
NB: This is by no means a definitive list. There are a lot of love songs by Nigerian musicians.
If we’re going to be honest, the people at Mount Zion did us all dirty as children. A lot of their movies was a major cause for nightmares for many of us. Well, thank God for growth; we now see the light. Now we can throwback to these movies and laugh at how fearful they made us.
1. The Ultimate Power (aka Ayamatanga).
It’s actually “Ayah Matangah.” Here’s a summary from their page: The Village of Muwonleru is besieged by an amalgamation of several forces of darkness with their eartly representative, Isawuru, a powerful herbalist wielding enormous powers for oppressing the villagers until a young couple missionaries showed up with God’s mandate to declare Jesus Christ as the Saviour and Deliverer from the powers of darkness. The battle line was drawn and the tussle began. The whole point? Jesus is the ultimate power.
2. Esin Ajoji (The Strange Religion).
A synopsis: A king brutally killed the missionary that brought the gospel to the land of Agbayun alongside all those who have believed in Jesus. Several years later, The Prince who was delivered of an agelong curse on Princes, brings back the gospel to Agbayun and confronted the gods of the land, though the battle’s fierce but victory is of the Lord. Again, what is the whole point? Jesus is Lord.
3. The Gods Are Dead.
Synopsis: A missionary who was initially sent out of the village Bode Ajuwon was caught eating the food sacrificed to the gods on behalf of the King’s ailing prince. The prince died, the priest wants the missionary sacrificed to appease the gods but the missionary challenged the priest and his gods to the battle of supremacy with Jesus Christ, the Lord of Host.
Again, Jesus is Lord.
4. Majemu Ikoko (Hidden Covenant)
Even the poster gives me trauma. Anyway, here’s the synopsis:
Shola walked out of her three years courtship for a wealthy Christian brother, she is left in the cold with the consequences of her wrong action.
Moral lesson? Don’t walk out of your courtship. You go face the consequences, nne.
5. Captives Of The Mighty.
Synopsis: She suffered several miscarriages because a spiritual husband claims to be her lord with evidences of children. She runs to Jesus and in oneness with her husband, they confronted and defeated this evil being that made her marriage a nightmare.
Hmm. You will be on your own and one spirit will come and claim that he is married to you. Jehovah dear, save us.
Same, sis. Same.
6. The Beginning Of The End
Couldn’t find a synopsis for this, but it was one of the scariest movies that plagued us. Whew!
7. Apoti Eri
Synopsis: The king of Iremoje is terribly sick and requires a young boy for rituals to redeem his life from death, the boy kidnapped became unusable because he carries the power of God on his inside. The boy ended up ministering healing to the king in the name of Jesus, only to discover later that the king is actually his grand father. Watch “APOTI ERI”, a movie that illustrates the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Moral lesson? Carry the power of God in your inside!
Lekki Epe Expressway from the pedestrian bridge by Lekki Phase 1.
This is what Lagos without people looks like: there are no cars, so roads are empty, there are no people hustling to get buses to get to work on time, there are no hawkers, no school children, no buses.
I kid you not, the photo above is a road in Lagos, specifically the Lekki Epe Expressway. You’ll only ever see this road this clear during the day a few times in year: Sunday mornings and some public holidays like Christmas or New Year’s. Certainly not on a normal weekday — which was when the photo was taken.
Where did everyone go?
You probably already know this, but a recap is useful nonetheless: a week ago, the Nigerian President, President Buhari addressed Nigeria on the Covid-19 situation and declared a lockdown in Lagos, Abuja and Ogun state due to the rising cases of Covid-19 in these three states. Since then, these three states — especially Lagos the epicenter of traffic — have seen a tremendous change.
Oh there’s more where that came from. Do you recognise any of these places without people or cars?
Here are three of the hottest spots for human and vehicle traffic in Lagos as documented by Ikem Emelieze:
Ikoyi, Lagos:
Falomo underbrige, Ikoyi.Road Block at Falomo roundaboutLagos State Waterways, Ikoyi and Falomo Bridge
Victoria Island:
Civic Center, VISheraton Four Points, OniruPolice car at Oniru with run-flat tiresOriental HotelMoil Headquarters, Victoria Island.
Going by these photos, Lagos without people looks like the stuff dreams are made of. Can someone tell the Jagaban to include this in the megacity plan?
If you’d like to share photos of your street, road or city post-lockdown from anywhere at all in Nigeria, here’s how: fill this form to do this and we’ll reach out to you. Shout out to Ikem Emelieze for the photos!
And if you’re feeling stressed, take a break from coronavirus everything for a moment here.
Since we are all staying at home, everyone has been shouting the importance of taking online courses to improve yourself. Well, some of us are only just trying this online course thing for the first time, and this is how our experience with it has been.
1. How you calculate data expenses.
How many gigabytes will I need to watch all these videos.
2. You, fighting the temptation to watch music videos on YouTube.
Devil, I rebuke you. I must learn this thing!
3. How your parents look at you when they see you acting busy.
What is this one doing?
Is this child serious like this?
4. Of course, they have plans to do this:
Duke talking about online lectures on Zoom. Watch my whole class hear my mom yell “Chizoba, bia sie rice”. Bruh.
We live in uncertain times and that can be scary. What if we promised you some form of certainty? Every day by 12 noon, we’ll bring you the latest updates on the fight against the Covid-19, both in Nigeria and globally.
The weekend sure went by quickly. In one weekend, we got an increase in the number of reported COVID-19 cases in Nigeria. We also got a scandal by the ambassador for the Nigeria Centre for Disease Control. It definitely wasn’t boring for such a stay at home weekend.
Nigerian Update from the past 24 hours:
As at yesterday, 5/04/2020, these are the number of reported cases in Nigeria.
Ten new cases of #COVID19 have been reported in Nigeria: 6 in Lagos, 2 in FCT and 2 in Edo.
As at 11:15 am 5th April there are 224 confirmed cases of #COVID19 reported in Nigeria. Twenty-seven have been discharged with five deaths pic.twitter.com/zztdRENzUF
The discharge ratio is a source of hope. It means this disease is beatable and that in itself is comforting.
Worldwide stats:
The United States has the highest number of reported cases and here’s what that looks like:
We sure hope they come out of this stronger and better.
Today’s misinformation:
There’s a new kind of virus which is even worse than the COVID-19 – Misinformation virus.
It’s sad that in this age of fear and uncertainty, some people are spreading misinformation and inciting panic. The latest wave is that 5G is directly linked to the Coronavirus. This is untrue as there is no correlation whatsoever.
Here’s some clarification from the Nigerian Communications Commission debunking myths about 5G causing the Coronavirus.
Try to disconnect from stressors (the internet) for a few hours every day so you can have non-COVID thoughts. This is a good place to start.
Stay updated:
Stay updated with the latest and factually correct news on COVID-19 by visiting Coronafacts.africa. If you need a reason to visit, just know that we are endorsed by the Africa Centre for Disease Control.
In partnership with @AfricaCDC, we are happy to announce funding support for 8 companies focused on the delivery of vetted #COVID19 information in multiple languages, to educate and curb the spread of misinformation.
As a way to curb the spread of COVID-19 aka Coronavirus, President Muhammadu Buhari has announced that there will be a lockdown and a restriction on movements in states with the highest number of coronavirus cases; Lagos, Abuja, and Ogun.
Even though certain things have been put on hold during this time, there are still things that haven’t been paused, like bills. Paying important bills like electricity, internet etc will prove to be a hassle this period. However, we’re here with a way to make things easier.
1) Airtime
It’s safe to say that your neighborhood credit guy/girl isn’t going to want to risk getting infected or getting bodied by police so they’re not going to be at their usual spot this period. Top up your airtime using PAGA.
2) Internet
Without the internet, how else will we be able to keep track of what’s going on in the outside world and receive WhatsApp BCs from loved ones about how onions scattered around your house will scare Miss Rona away? Renew your subscription with PAGA and give your mother rest of mind by assuring her that you are in fact eating handfuls of garlic and drinking boiling water.
3) Cable TV
Don’t let boredom be the reason Nigerian police use you to catch trips because you left your house to look for an open DStv office. Renew your subscription from the comfort and safety of your home using PAGA so you can keep watching Keeping Up With Kardashians in secret.
4) Electricity
Do you really want to be the person who has their light cut during a pandemic due to outstanding bills? Because make no mistake, Nigerian electricity providers WILL do it. They won’t hear “I can’t go outside as an excuse.” Pay your bills from home using PAGA.
5) Boomplay
You can’t possibly go through this lockdown without music. Renew your subscription to Boomplay Music with PAGA and create your very own Lockdown Playlist full of songs you can:
Dance to like no one’s watching (because no one is watching).
Workout to
Cry to whenever you feel lonely
The Paga app is available for free in the Google and Apple play store.
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If there’s a lesson to be learned at the end of this lockdown, it’s that: staying at home is only sweet if it’s your choice. Otherwise, it’s like being told to wash plates when you already had it in mind to do it. It’s not just the same.
That being said, here are some Funke Akindele memes that perfectly sums up my life during this period.
1) When I hear someone cough:
Last warning.
2) Once I see yet another “data balance is running low” message:
These network providers want to finish me.
3) When a time-waster from the past hits me up out of boredom:
If you’re trying to find your perfect partner, you may think this isn’t going to be possible during the coronavirus pandemic. Sure, you won’t be able to go on a face-to-face date at your local restaurant or enjoy a walk in the park. Social distancing has put a spanner in the works. However, it’s still possible to meet your soulmate during this time through following our steps.
1) Start Online Dating
It’s no secret how popular online dating has become. It’s become the new way to meet people in a modern and busy world. This means it’s still possible to meet a partner online. So, once you’re finished scrolling on social media or enjoying sports betting, jump on one of the popular apps. For example, you can try tinder on your mobile device. There are also websites you can use to meet people in your area.
2) Have a Conversation
Since social distancing means you can’t meet in person to get to know each other, you can still have a conversation online. Make the time to talk to them over the website or app. Ask them questions and get to know them just like you would over dinner. It might take a bit more effort, but you can still see if you like them and if you think it can go anywhere.
If you like them, try giving them your phone number and texting. Often, this is a better way to have a good conversation than being on the app. It can show that you’re interested and aren’t speaking to lots of people at the same time.
3) Try Video Calling
Once you’ve been chatting with somebody for a while, why not video call them? Of course, you can always talk on the phone first and see if you’re able to have an effortless and fun conversation. When you’re more comfortable, you can progress to video calling. This is a good opportunity to see if they’re like their profile and you can get on with them on a personal level. In addition, you can make it like a real date. Grab a drink or something to eat. Dress up and look your best. The first virtual date can still be fun!
4) Make Plans
Yes, you’re social distancing. But this doesn’t mean you can’t make plans for when you’re not. Nobody knows when restrictions will end here or in other countries. It’s likely that things might be this way for a while. But if you start talking to somebody that you believe you have a connection with, start making plans with them. This can give you both something to look forward to. It can make sure that the time you’ve spent chatting wasn’t wasted and it can create some excitement for when the lockdown ends. Of course, make sure that you don’t make any formal arrangements yet. So, don’t book restaurants or flights across the country. If things continue for longer than we thought, this will just leave you disappointed. Instead, make temporary plans with no exact date. When we know more from the government, you can make solid arrangements for the future.
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One more 5G network conspiracy theory and I will be sick. Do you know what kills faster than fear? Wrong information.
There is a fraudulent message being passed around on Whatsapp that 5G network causes Coronavirus and that’s just tragic. The message is spreading faster than it takes for souvenirs to finish at a Yoruba wedding, so that’s alarming.
Yesterday, the Nigeria Communications Commission which is tasked with providing efficient communication services in the country debunked rumors that 5G is linked to Coronavirus.
Here are some important points from the briefing:
What is 5G network?
In summary, 5G is 4G’s elder brother.
Should I be worried about 5G?
Nothing to be worried about.
Does 5G cause Coronavirus?
No, it doesn’t.
Who owns 5G network?
It belongs to no one and it also belongs to everyone.
I hope with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince and not confuse you that 5G is not our problem. As Nigerians, we have endless options of problems to pick from so let’s not manufacture non-existent ones.
Take your mind off all these wahala and get lost in articles of happiness below:
While we are sorry that the relationship ended and left you with a broken heart, we are also interested in seeing you move on and glow sis. If you can relate to the signs you are not over your ex yet on this list then you need to put more effort into moving on. You’re allowed to mourn the end of a relationship but you shouldn’t put your life and happiness on hold because of it girl.
If you’re still significantly contributing to the profile views on his social media accounts then there’s a problem. You my dear, are slowly becoming the stalker ex girlfriend the movies talk about. And you need to stop before the embarrassing plot twist comes. For your own good.
2. You keep engineering accidental run-ins with him.
And it keeps getting awkward. You need to stop bumping into him too girl. At this point he can probably already tell that it is no longer coincidence.
3. You are almost always texting him.
…or even outrightly texting him. Both of which are unhealthy choices if you really want to move on with your life.
4. You keep wanting other men to be like him.
Because you have made him the bar. But he is not be the bar. You determine what or who the bar is. You need to take control of the narrative.
5. Everything reminds you of him.
And not in a good way. But rather in that deep melancholic my-life-is-in-ruins without him kind of way.
6. You are always talking about him.
You keep talking about him to anyone who cares to listen. So much that even friends who don’t really know him can write a full essay on him complete with an accurate picture of his personality.
7. You have decided to maintain beef with his new girl.
Even when she didn’t do anything to instigate it. You keep beefing his new girl for no reason other than that she replaced you. But she is not the problem dear, she is living her best life. The problem is that you somehow think she stole the key to yours. But she didn’t.
While you are here would love some feedback on our “What She Said” series. Please be a darling and drop it HERE.
in a marriage will lead to sexual bondage: a stage where a person becomes addicted to sex. Not just regular vanilla sex, but messed up nipple-clamping-anal-fisting-candle-wax-on-the-scrotum type of sex. Once one gets to this point, they get trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying sexual sessions with their partner. “Mutual love is gone and fleshy sex has taken over.”
