Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman living with vaginismus, a condition that makes it impossible for her to have penetrative sex, undergo a gynaecological exam or even insert a tampon.

What was your first sexual experience?

I remember being molested when I was 5 years old. My parents weren’t living together. I was staying with my mum, and she had a very good friend who often visited and dashed us money.

One evening, he stopped by and my mum went to cook him dinner. He sat me on his lap and began fingering me. It was unbelievably painful, but because he’d been like a second father to me, I just assumed he knew what he was doing. It wasn’t until much later that I realised what had happened.

I’m so sorry.

He wasn’t the only one. My grandmother’s houseboy used to touch me and my cousin until we moved to Lagos. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. In Lagos, there was a guy who was living with us; he molested me every single day for three years — it started when I was 7 and ended when I was 10.

I actually got addicted to it, and I hated myself so much because of that. It got so bad that I even started begging him to touch me. When he finally left, I went through serious withdrawal. Family friends would come over and I’d try to get them to touch me — some agreed and some ignored me. 

Damn. When did you end up having your first consensual experience?

I attempted sex with my first boyfriend when I was 16. I always thought I was just scared of having sex, like the normal fear that comes with being a virgin. Everything I’d read about sex made it clear that my first time was going to be painful.

But every time my boyfriend attempted to insert anything into my vagina — from his finger to his penis — it was a huge problem. After six months of failed attempts, we broke up because he said I was useless. He started dating my friend and I almost died.  

That’s awful. What exactly was the problem?

The thing is, I was so scared of penetration that I couldn’t even open my legs. Whenever I attempted to open up, it felt like someone was shooting me in my vagina — that’s the only way I can articulate the pain. I eventually tried to insert my own finger and I couldn’t get past the opening.

When did you realise what was wrong?

It was totally random. In 2017, I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw a retweet about vaginismus. I thought it sounded interesting, so I opened the thread and found so many African-American women talking about their symptoms, specifically the pain of penetration. 

I was shocked. It felt like they were describing my reality. I immediately went to google the term and that’s when I realised what had been wrong with me for so long. So, I started looking for treatments in Lagos, and I couldn’t find anything. There was just a lot of misinformation.

Did you eventually find someone that could help?

Yeah, I did, but it was such a hassle. I had a vaginal infection in 2017 and I told my mum. So, she took me to a hospital to get tested. When we got there, they tried to do an exam, which required me to have something inserted into my vagina. 

I tried to explain to the doctor that I had vaginismus and it wouldn’t be able to enter, but he didn’t know what I was talking about. He eventually agreed to bring something much smaller — about the size of a needle — but when they tried to insert it, I began screaming. It was agonising. 

When I turned in tears, I could see the shock on my mother’s face. The ride back home was completely silent. She later asked what the problem was, and I told her everything — from the times I was molested, to the condition I’d been struggling with.

How did she react?

She asked why I’d never told her, but in my head, I was like, ‘We’ve never had that kind of relationship’. My mother is super conservative, especially when it comes to sex, so I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing this issue with her. 

Anyway, she suggested that we reach out to my cousin, who is a doctor in Australia. When we got in touch with him, he said it wasn’t a problem, but that we shouldn’t bother treating it until I’m ready for marriage.

EXCUSE ME?

Yup. I was so upset. I decided to double down on finding solutions myself. I started looking for therapists and I eventually found one on Twitter. I reached out to her, and she referred me to a male doctor who apparently had more experience with my condition. 

I went to meet him, and it didn’t take long for me to realise that he just wanted to manipulate and dupe me. He would touch me inappropriately, claiming that my condition was because I was single, and he wanted to stand in as a boyfriend for me. 

I was really desperate at that point, so I decided that I would do whatever it took to get rid of the condition. Then he asked me to pay N100,000 all at once to, in his words, “build morale” — this didn’t include the N20,000 I had already paid for the consultation. 

Did you pay him?

Hell no. I couldn’t imagine paying someone that much to basically assault me. He was actually texting me as if we were dating, and the worst part was that he wasn’t even saying anything helpful about fixing my condition. So, I just blocked the creep.

What happened after that?

The whole situation really got to me. I became suicidal because I felt very unwanted and unloved. Luckily, I stumbled upon The Vaginismus Network, a community of women with the same condition, and I reached out to them. Even though they weren’t in Africa, they were very supportive and they inspired me to keep fighting. 

So, I decided to reach out to my cousin again and told him that if he didn’t help me this time, my blood would be on his hands. He quickly found a female therapist for me. I booked a session with her, and we immediately connected. She had dealt with something similar, so she was very understanding.

So you’re currently getting treatment?

Yeah. There’s been really great progress. I was able to put a finger in recently, with the help of A LOT of lubrication. My therapist explained that my vagina most likely collapsed because of the trauma of my assault. 

Apparently, there’s isn’t a direct cause. It happens to a lot of women for a variety of reasons. My therapist went through something similar, but hers was secondary vaginismus — she had it after giving birth to her second child. 

That really helped me bond with her. That she was able to overcome it gave me some hope. That’s what pushed me to try putting a finger, and I was so excited that it went in, even though it was still extremely painful. 

Has there been any more progress?

Yeah. After my vagina got comfortable with my index finger, I moved to my middle finger. I also got dilators — a tube-shaped device that’s used to stretch the vagina.

They come in different sets, increasing in size and length based on the phase, and I’m already up to the fourth phase. I was even able to insert tampons for the first time this year. 

That’s incredible. Have you been involved with anyone through all this?

Before I started seeing my therapist, I’d sworn off men. My breaking point was when I told a guy that sex wasn’t on the table and he blocked me. I told another one and he just ghosted me. Thankfully, I’ve finally found a guy that totally understands and is comfortable with taking things at my own pace. 

So, what’s your sex life like at the moment?

Given the circumstances, it’s pretty great. I’m much more comfortable with my condition, and I’ve learnt that penetrative sex isn’t the only form of sex. Foreplay is sex. Oral sex is sex. As long as I orgasm, I’m good. Plus, there’s no guarantee that once I’m able to have penetrative sex it will make me orgasm.

So, yeah, I’m very comfortable with my sex life and the guy I’m with. We are constantly trying different things. I recently started allowing him to finger me, but we still haven’t gone all the way. I’m sure if I continue with therapy, that will happen soon enough. I just hope that after all this, it’s as great as people paint it to be. 

What about self-pleasure? Did your condition affect that?

I’ve actually been masturbating since I was 10. After the guy that molested me left and I was dealing with withdrawal symptoms, I discovered that touching myself was also an option. I didn’t even know it was masturbation at that point, I just knew I enjoyed it.

So, it wasn’t because of my condition that I was masturbating, but it definitely helped me deal with what I was going through. I think it might have even ruined me because it’s now harder for men to make me orgasm through clitoral stimulation. 

I know my body really well, and I’ve found that a lot of men are not patient. They just go off what they see on porn, without bothering to communicate with their partner. So, I have no choice but to continue to help myself.

Did you ever consider trying anal sex in lieu of vaginal sex?

Oh nah. Many people have told me that anal sex is very painful, and pain is part of the problem. I think I will eventually try it, once I’m able to cross this vaginismus bridge. But I’m definitely more open to the possibility of trying it than I’ve ever been.

Is there anything you’re looking forward to trying once your condition has been treated?

Ever since I watched 50 Shades of Grey, I’ve been looking to getting spanked, choked and having those vaginal balls inserted into me. I also want to peg my partner. I don’t know why Nigerian men aren’t open to pegging.

Honestly, I don’t think my destiny is tied to Nigerian men. They can be so close-minded. Hopefully, my partner will be open to it. I actually like a bit of sexual violence — being slapped and spat on. Basically, I want to be dominated. 

I’d also like to sleep with a woman. I remember watching lesbian porn and seeing them scissor each other. I think I’d love that clit-to-clit action. I’m not even bisexual, I just know I want to try it at least once. At this point, I want to try it all.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’d give it a 5 because it’s not as adventurous as I’d like it to be. Hopefully, when penetrative sex is on the table it’ll become a lot more interesting. My partner and I are trying, but I know it could be much better. 

Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

The post Sex Life: Living With A Vagina That Refuses To Be Penetrated appeared first on Zikoko!.

Instagram vendors are now everywhere, thanks to the internet and to the founder of Instagram. You can be in your house and buy a complete outfit, down to eyelashes that will match the outfit. And we are grateful, honestly. But Instagram vendors need to stop these things, because we are tired.

1. Asking us to DM for price.

Abeg talk your price. If it matches our pockets, we will buy. Don’t stress us to be entering your DM. It’s a new decade, dears.

2. Setting your page to “Private.”

Seriously, sis? Please move away, let us see other better vendors abeg.

3. Overcharging prospective customers.

Y’all should learn to fear God, abeg. Do you want us to start begging?

4. Using unrealistic models.

Instagram vendors, plis dears. Let us know how we will look beforehand.

5. Overposting their merchandise.

How can you post 42 items on your stories for goodness sake? Don’t you have conscience? How is the buyer supposed to even look at that long list?

Instagram vendors, you have been caught, just as we caught the people of Instablog’s comment section. Change your ways.

The post 5 Bad Habits Instagram Vendors Need To Stop ASAP appeared first on Zikoko!.

Monday is a stressful day. However, with the recent clampdown on the affordable means of transportation, it’s going to become three times more stressful.

How will you go in for your 9-5 on Monday?

Take this quiz to find out:

The post Quiz: Can We Guess How You Are Getting To Work On Monday? appeared first on Zikoko!.

A lot of Nigerian celebrities have shown us the best sides of romantic relationships. Take this quiz and find out which Nigerian celebrity couple perfectly represents your relationship.

The post Quiz: Which Nigerian Celebrity Couple Are You And Your Partner? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Most people are born with something they have a natural aptitude for — meaning they can be good at it without even being taught. That’s what your talent is. Whether it’s singing, drawing, acting or dancing, this quiz knows what your talent is.

Take it to find out:

The post QUIZ: Can We Guess What Your Talent is? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

In this Nairalife story, the subject is 24, and not doing badly at this adulting thing. She works in Financial Advisory and has pretty big plans for her future.

My first question is, what’s the first thing you ever did for money?

I was in 300l and I was obsessed about making money. Not that I was lacking, my parents gave me a monthly allowance of ₦20k – ₦10k each, they’re separated. 

I was reading a lot of articles online and watched videos on Youtube, from how to make candles, make money from surveys, blogging.

Eventually, I decided on poultry. Do you know what’s funny? 

What?

I was literally scared of chickens but money must be made. I went to a woman that sells chicks and bought 25 one-week-old chicks. I had a male friend accompany me to buy them – he did all the carrying.

This type of commitment is the energy I stan

I already got a big cage for them, so I never had to touch them. By the way, I was staying off-campus somewhere in the Southwest, and my hostel had a big compound. I talked to my landlord about it and he allowed me to use the compound.

My tasks were clear: wake up at 5 am, rake the droppings, change water and food twice a day. It was going pretty well, a lot of people were interested and even encouraged me. 

Some students vets volunteered to help me if I had any issues. I felt great! 

I was building an empire. A billionaire in making

One afternoon, I came back from class and all my chickens were out of the cage. 

What?! 

Yep. There was no one at home and I had to get them back into the cage. They were about six weeks old by then. It was hell for me, but anyway, that was how I got over my fear of chickens. 

Hahaha. 

The next morning, two of the chickens died and my vet friends said they were infected by other local chickens when they were out of the cage. They prescribed medications. Still, three more died, except this time it was because of expired feed.

Ouch. What were your margins like eventually?

I sold 18 during Christmas, gave one to my landlord and shared one for all my fans. I can’t remember the details but I sold each for ₦3500. I think the margins were between 18-20%. But I didn’t do another cycle because it was stressful and my landlord didn’t allow me. 

What else did you do after that?

I sold eggs, but the most important was learning how to trade forex. Again, I did all my research, read books, watched YouTube videos. That was one of my best decisions ever. I knew the risks involved so when I started trading, I didn’t put so much money. I started at $5, which I grew to $15. By the time I was in my final year, I’d started teaching people how to trade. 

Let’s pretend I don’t know anything about Forex, tell me how it worked for you.

I’ll give you one instance. If you think that the US dollar would rise in value against British Pounds, you can sell British Pounds and buy US dollars. So it’s trading against the rise and fall in the value of currencies. 

What’s your best margin ever while trading forex?

300%. My best shot ever is the gold index, XAU-USD. 

So, when did you finish school?

2015. NYSC in 2016. That period I had to wait, I just sharpened my skills. Did NYSC, then got a job at a Financial Advisory firm right after. 

I started as a graduate trainee, they paid ₦80k. Six months after, I got confirmation as a full staff, and they started paying ₦130k. A year later, ₦170k. Six months after that raise, I got tired. 

Why?

The environment was getting at me. I wasn’t happy with how I was doing the job. I also had a couple of exams to write. I told my boss I wanted to resign, but he asked me to go on unpaid leave. I left and I was doing pretty well. I loved the freedom, and in fact, my trading was doing so well that I survived on the money comfortably in that period. 

Also, I was reading for exams.

Interesting that he’d let you go on unpaid leave. 

Yeah, anyway during the leave, I got an offer from one of The Big Four.

And…?

I took that offer. I took it not because of the money – I was making more than my salary already from trading. I wanted that on my CV because I have big plans for my investment and trading business. 

So here I am, 2 months into the job. The pay is ₦268k. Financial advisory too. 

Tell me what you mean by “making more than your salary”. What are the numbers looking like?

You can only trade on weekdays, but on an average day of active trading, I make up to ₦20k. On really good days, I make ₦50k.

How much did you make on an average month?

Right now, just my salary. I can’t trade using my office laptop – there are a lot of protocols and I can’t use my laptop at work either. 

So I’m going to try and hack this month – I just bought a tablet. Maybe I can trade at work. 

You said something about how The Big Four is important to your plans.  

Yes. I want to own a hedge fund so I can help institutions and wealthy individuals invest and manage their money. That’s the goal. 

But the investment industry in Nigeria is still in its early stage. I need international experience. The Big Fours are global financial companies. I see it as a stepping stone to go outside the country to get international experience. You know I’ll be dealing with people’s money. They need to trust me. So I need all the credibility I can get. 

Fair enough. What do your monthly expenses look like?

I’ve always used a 50-50 rule my mum taught me. I save 50% every month, it’s non-negotiable. 

I send money to some extended family members currently in Uni. My parents are comfortable. They don’t ask me, but I buy gifts every now and then.

What I really really track is my savings, everything else, I spend as I deem fit. 

Although, this month an investment opportunity popped up and I invested ₦200k already from my salary. I think I’ll refund myself from my mutual funds account. 

I’m going red already – I have about ₦40k left for the month.

My head is spinning. How many financial instruments are you simultaneously using to grow money?

Hahaha. I do Agric investments and mutual funds too. For the Agric investments, there are online platforms that allow you to buy farms for a certain return. 

Let’s map out all the places your investments are at.

₦700k in Agric ₦200k in mutual funds I recently wrote an exam of about ₦400k from my savings 

I recently paid for a major health bill of about ₦200k, I did a major shopping because of a new job of about 150k. And I bought a new laptop worth ₦210k. I wrote the CFA exam – it costs $1100. I even bought a special kind of calculator only allowed for the exam – it cost ₦25,000.

So, it’s safe these are all your investments in the past few months, including personal capital and wellbeing.

Yes, it is.

I’m curious about your health bill.

It wasn’t for me, my close aunt gave birth to triplets. She wasn’t financially good. we lost one of them though. 

How much do you imagine you’d be earning in 5 years?

I’ve never really thought about it, I don’t even worry about it. I just believe that when you do a good job, the money will come naturally. 

What’s something you want right now but can’t afford?

Maybe my dream house. On 4 plots of land. I don’t want anywhere remote. Huhuhu.

What’s something you honestly wish you could be better at?

Routine. Make me drink a cup of juice every day, and it will quickly bore me. I wish I could get comfortable in routine. 

What’s something you bought recently that significantly improved the quality of some aspect of your life?

I recently started investing in my work outfits, because of my new job. I used to be nonchalant about my dresses. I think it has improved my colleagues’ and bosses’ perception of me. I used to buy a gown for an average of ₦3k. Now I spend about ₦8k. 

Let’s rate your financial happiness, on a scale of 1-10.

I’d say 6. I’m quite comfortable, but I know there’s a long way to go. About forex, if I say I’ll make more than ₦100k this month, that won’t be realistic. Right now, there’s a lot of office work to be done.

Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people.
But, if you want to get the next story before everyone else, with extra sauce and ‘deleted scenes’, subscribe below. It only takes a minute.

Every story in this series can be found here.

The post What’s It Like When Your Side Hustle Pays More Than Your 9-5? appeared first on Zikoko!.

With the recent Okada ban in Lagos, it’s clear that a lot of people are about to experience a new wave of discomfort in their commute. If the reactions pouring out of Twitter are to be believed, thousands of people had to trust their legs to get them to work or wherever they needed to be.

However, in the usual Nigerian fashion, hilarious reactions are trailing the state government‘s horrendous decision-making. Here’s a couple of things to laugh at.

WAKAnda forever

Your legs will take you further.

The government out here trying to make everyone look homeless

At least, we’ve started asking important questions

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to that.

New wheels. Wu dis?

Wheels you can actually afford.

From the ghetto to medieval times

Not sure this was what Lil Nas X had in mind when he did that song, but oh well.

But what were you doing at home at 6 AM?

Are you even taking this seriously if you don’t leave your house as early as 4 AM?

Anyway, no one can blame you if you arrive at work late.

If your boss tries to give you hell, resign. You didn’t see this here, though.

By the way, they said you people should suck it up and stop being fucking cry-babies

Crying at “little discomfort”

The post Twitter Reacts to Okada Ban In Lagos, And It’s Nothing Short Of Hilarious appeared first on Zikoko!.

As many of you know and as some of you can attest through the sweat that soaked through your baffs on the way to work, the Lagos State government has banned bikes/Okadas and Napeps/tricycles from plying major roads in the state.

Now it might not feel like it, but bike men/keke napeps drivers should feel a little special. With the many problems plaguing the state, which include but are not limited to: epileptic power supply, security challenges, poor water supply, a police force in need of reform, poor building structures and planning etc — the government handpicked the one thing that made life just a bit easier for the little guy and took it away. IDK, it’s kind of special to me.

Now the government will attempt to sell you some dream about the okada ban being part of some megacity audio plan we’ve been hearing about, but never quite seeing. Brethren, I am here to tell you, none of it is true.

The real reasons are a lot less (or more) complicated, depending on how you look at it. Here are the real reasons the Lagos State government banned okadas and keke napeps:

The bike ban happened because ‘they’ want to bring Ambode back.

So if everybody hates Sanwo-Olu for this ban nonsense, they can just slip him right in and nobody go vex.

Re: Ambode. The ban is payback for all the waist trainer jokes

Next time keep your jokes to yourself.

To make horses great again.

The yee-haw agenda begins again.

Okay wait. What if the ban is because the government wants us to be fit?

Yeah no. That would imply they actually care about us and we all know that’s a lie.

Trekking practice for the Lagos State marathon, perhaps?

I mean, could it be?

Maybe the government was jealous of how well the bike-hailing services were doing?

It really be your own government.

The ban is because the government wants to know our threshold.

They’re just trying to see what will finally get us up in arms against them. Will this be it?

Or, the ban is because the government doesn’t give AF about how easily we transport ourselves.

See, we actually tried to imagine a scenario where the bike ban was actually because the State government had revolutionary plans for our transport systems and —

Adding 65 new buses and some ferries is laughable at the least and downright crazy at the most to ease the traffic situation in a state with poorly motorable roads and a large population living within the urban areas not accessible by water.

Anyway, we probably missed some reasons for the ban, let us know in the comments.

The post Psst. We Know The Real Reasons Lagos State Banned Okadas. appeared first on Zikoko!.

The Okada/Keke ban in Lagos has thrown the people who live there back in time. The streets of Lagos are currently full of people walking insane distances just to get to work. There’s an “Israelites walking to the promised land” joke to be made here but I’m too upset to make it because I, too, had to trek this morning,

Anyways, during my government-enforced workout/my morning commute, I began thinking about the distances other people had to walk. So I asked four people their worst trekking stories. Let’s get into them:

Clifford:

“I always thought that when something like this happened to me, it would be because I’d been robbed or didn’t have money for some reason. But no. Una government decided to enforce an okada/keke ban i.e the only ways I had to get to work. Cab hailing services (I refuse to call names because they know themselves) were moving mad with their fraudulent surges so off I went on a hike I didn’t plan for. “

Gloria:

“This was back in 2016. I used to be a model and was returning from a casting call. Didn’t get the job and was super depressed, thinking life couldn’t possibly get any worse when I got to Oshodi underbridge and realized that my wallet had been stolen. I still had to get to Iyana Isolo. Could I have found a way to not trek? Maybe. But right then, in my despair, I put my wig in my purse and made the decision to leg it. And I did.”

Ikenna:

“From Yaba bus stop to Lawanson at 11 pm. I had a boss at the time who was so stereotypically evil, she might as well have been a Disney villain. She would keep me late knowing fully well that I depended on public transport. After holding back till 11 pm that day, she offered to give me a lift. This witch actually dropped me at Yaba bus stop in the dead of night and drove off! No bikes. No napeps. My blood pressure went through the roof that day because I thought everyone I came across was going to rob me.”

Lara:

“Ikeja Along to Allen avenue on a hot Saturday afternoon. A guy I like asked me to come to see him. I informed him I only had enough money to get to Ikeja Along. He promised he’d come to pick me up from there. After realizing that he wasn’t coming (an hour later and thirty minutes later), I digested my L and began walking to Allen avenue in my clown shoes. Not to his house, but to a friend’s house to borrow money so I could return home.”

The post We Asked 4 People Their Worst Trekking Stories appeared first on Zikoko!.

If you are a Lagosian, chances are that this morning was hell. Well, unless you own a car or can afford Uber and Bolt. For the rest of us, we experienced one or more of the emotions on the list below.

Anger:

The first emotion I felt immediately I woke up this morning was annoyance. What sort of Government decides to leave us stranded overnight?

Powerlessness:

I was weak when I saw the crowd of people struggling for the limited means of transportation today. Is it a crime to be a Lagosian or even Nigerian?

Tiredness:

God, please blow the trumpet.

Worry:

What is going to happen to all these people who are out of a job, are they going to turn on us who are still struggling to earn a living?

A crippling urge to go naked and curse the Government:

My return trip home after work will determine whether this will still happen or not. Till then, stay tuned.

Surprise:

Lyrics to your favorite song slaps differently when it mirrors your current situation. I discovered previously unheard chords on my trekking playlist today. I really am walking away from the troubles in my life.

Sadness:

Seeing older, feeble citizens struggling for buses with the younger generation makes you realize that this country doesn’t care for you along the age spectrum. From young to old, we are all equally fucked.

Agbero:

Some ITK’s will say this not an emotion. Describe the urge to fight and push people in your path to get a bus. If you find a better term, I am open to listening. You can reach me in ratatata land for any objections.

Disgust:

Wetin be this pls. Why am I experiencing this?

Motivation:

This country is trying to kill me and I must start to seek ways of escaping. The plan is to save money from trekking and divert it to writing IELTS. Lagos, Nigeria, e go be.

The post 10 Very Specific Emotions Every Lagosian Without A Car Definitely Experienced Today appeared first on Zikoko!.

The Okada ban is the latest reminder of how frustrating living in this country can be, thanks to insensitive policies and questionable decision-making by the government. A lot of people have been thrown back in time and rudely told to trust their legs.

Anyway, we thought a good playlist could make this agonising experience somewhat bearable. These are our picks:

Falz – This is Nigeria

“This is Nigeria. Look how we’re trekking now.”

Lady Donli – Suffer Suffer

“Suffer, suffer, suffer no go come here. Don’t come my way”

Fela Kuti – Zombie

We’re the walking dead, anyway.

Burna Boy – Wetin Man Go Do

“Waka waka. No rest oh.”

Tekno – Rara

Last-last, God will bless everyone.

Burna Boy – Anybody

Get your batteries charged. You don’t want to be the one they need to “knack something”.

Zlatan – Zanku

It turns out that Zlatan was on to something when he made this record. Gbese!

Naira Marley – Tesumole

Let the devil feel your anger as you stomp on the ground.

The post 8 Fun Songs Every Lagos Trekker Should Have On Their Playlist appeared first on Zikoko!.

Doing the exact opposite of what the government supposedly intended, the recent Okada/Keke ban in Lagos has thrown the state into chaos. Over 800,000 people (formerly Okada and Keke drivers) have lost their sole sources of income and daily commuters now have to walk insane distances to get to work. If things continue as they are, crime will increase and the peace and safety of the people the government claims its concerned with will be a thing of the past.

Twitter user @DavidIAdeleke came up with an idea on how we, the people can fight this. He put together a list of all the Lagos state legislators, along with their phone numbers and email addresses so residents of Lagos can call and let them know, in detail, how terrible this ban is for the people.

Here’s the list:

@DavidIAdeleke has already called his legislator and shared some important feedback:

There it is, people. Please, call your legislators and let them how this Okada/Keke ban affects you and everyone around you. Now is the time to put our collective foot on their necks (as nicely as we can) and not let up until they do something.

The post Here Are The Phone Numbers Of Lagos State Legislators To Call About The Okada / Keke Ban appeared first on Zikoko!.

Gather round, there’s enough room in today’s free okada-ban therapy session for everybody.

As we all know, the Lagos State government has decided the motto for 2020 is ‘pepper-dem’, but not in the good way. The state has instituted a ban on okadas and keke-napeps from the plying major roads.

The ban came into effect on February 2nd and today – February 3rd, all hell broke loose for people just looking to get to work. Even students weren’t exempted.

From sob-stories to finessed remote days working, here’s how four people spent their mornings getting to work today:

Standing at the bus-stop? It could never be me.

What’s paining me with this whole ban thing is that; I actually woke up in a really good mood today. I had my bath, ate, was even jamming Naira Marley on the way to the bus stop until I saw the long queue at the bus stop in Iyana-Isolo.

I even tried for Sanwo-Olu, I waited like 10 minutes, maybe one bus will show. After that, mo ya look away. Went home to eat the remaining fried egg I left behind, sent an email to my supervisor explaining things. It’s not me you people will frustrate. – Olatoye.

If you see the queue to get a bus at Yaba today!

Na school I wan go, I no kill pesin. I have a GST 102 lecture on Monday mornings and I always try to get there early because once the Art Theatre gets full, just forget about any perfume you sprayed that morning.

If I had known it was fight I was going to fight on the queue to get a campus shuttle, wouldn’t I have just stayed home jeje? – Anosi

If you have a house in Ikeja, epp my life.

I stay in Mushin and my office is around Ikeja. Normally, I’d take a keke from Mushin bus stop to Yaba and find my way from there, but lo and behold, no kekes. I’ve never actually learnt the bus route or know if there’s even one.

Sha, I was lucky one of my colleagues got a lift from an aunt she was spending the weekend with, she picked me up from the bus stop and we got to the office together. How I’ll do it tomorrow, only God knows.

I didn’t even bother.

I live in Abule Egba and my office is in VI. I didn’t even pretend to go to work today. Thankfully, I work at a start-up and my supervisor agreed to let me come in three times this week until there’s a more permanent solution.

The only issue is just those three days, how am I going to manage the journey?

How did you get to work/school today?

The post Hi, I Live In Lagos. Here’s How I Got To Work This Morning. appeared first on Zikoko!.

1) Author: Mark Manson.

No lies detected.

2) Author: Chinua Achebe.

“Things fall apart, the danfo cannot hold.”

3) Author: Fyodor Dostoevsky.

Crime: Being a Lagosian.

Punishment: Being a Lagosian.

4) Author: John Green.

“Being stoic means preparing for the worst but in Nigeria (read as Lagos), the worst always happens.”

5) Author: Agatha Christie.

There were none oh this morning. No bike, no keke, only suffering.

6) Author: Hilary Smith.

Welcome to the jungle ghetto.

7) Author: John Kennedy Toole.

Government: We are going to ban keke and okada

Us:

8) Author: Karl Wiggins.

Government: The ban is to help reduce holdup.

Us:

The post 8 Book Titles That Perfectly Describe How Lagosians Feel About The Okada Ban appeared first on Zikoko!.

There’s so much new music being released that it’s hard for even the most loyal fans to wade through the trash to find the gems. That’s why we’ve created #BumpThis – a daily series that features new songs, by and featuring Nigerians, that you absolutely need to hear.

Naira Marley — “Anywhere” ft. Ms. Banks

Naira Marley was one of 2019’s most essential stars, thanks to the inescapable hits he flooded our airwaves with. He’s now brought that same energy into 2020, kicking things off with the solid “Anywhere”.

On this track, we get more of the smooth-talking Naira Marley that stole the show on Davido’s “Sweet In The Middle”. He sings and raps about doing absolutely anything for the woman he loves.

Gifted UK rapper, Ms. Banks continues her impressive streak of killer features. “Anywhere” is an exciting indicator that Naira Marley intends to show off his range this year, and we can’t wait.

The post #BumpThis: Naira Marley & Ms. Banks’ “Anywhere” appeared first on Zikoko!.

As crazy as this might sound, there’s actually an Indomie flavour that perfectly aligns with every personality — from the dependable Chicken to the underrated Oriental Fried Noodles. So, we created a quiz that tells you which flavour you are most like.

Take to find out:

The post QUIZ: Which Indomie Flavour Are You? appeared first on Zikoko!.

The kitchen is typically the one thing that stands between everyone and hunger, but a lot of people have learned to go for other food options, because they hate to step a foot in the kitchen, unless it’s absolutely necessary. This post is for you if you’re one of these people:

When you’re house hunting and the agent tries to get you excited about the size of the kitchen

Look at this one oh. All I’m looking at are the bedroom and bathroom, plis dear.

You, walking into your kitchen and sighting a mountain of used dishes

Not me and you. E go be.

The only thing you find interesting in the kitchen is your microwave

Microwave saving lives since 1946

When you buy groceries even though you know you probably won’t cook any time soon

I’m a clown. The clown is me.

You, wondering if you will actually die if you eat raw food

But really, will I die?

How your trash looks at the end of every week because you’re always buying takeouts

Don’t blame me. Food makes me crazy.

When you skip a meal because you’d rather die than toil in the kitchen

Something must kill a man.

When you’re complaining of being broke and someone tells you there is rice at home

But who asked you?

You, tracking how much you spend on food

Do I even have any sense like this?

You, thinking if you should just move back with your parents

I only have to pass them the remote from time to time, but I will never be hungry.

When you manage to enter the kitchen to cook and the gas finishes before you’re done

That’s it. I’m never doing this again.

The post 11 Things Everyone Who Hates The Sight Of A Kitchen Knows To Be True appeared first on Zikoko!.

You don’t have to live in Nigeria to be aware of how bad security currently is in the country. The US has banned us for it. The president is being asked to resign over it, even the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) is protesting against it. Now speaking of the CAN protest, Nathaniel Samuel, a self-proclaimed member of the Living Faith Church, on February 2nd, attempted to blow up a Sabon Tasha area branch of the church in Kaduna State. This attempt came one day after the start of the CAN protest.

What we know so far, about the attempted bomber.

His name is Nathaniel Samuel.

And not Mohammed, by any accident. Somebody, please return that journalist to training school.

By his admission, he is a member of the Living Faith Church.

Nathaniel Samuel also admitted to have missed being a pastor of the church, having attended its Leadership and Training School.

From reports, he was turned away from The Living Faith church a week ago.

No reason has yet been given why.

Conflicting reports explain the attempted bombing.

On one hand, it is claimed he waited in the church toilet while the IED placed in a bag was stationed in the main auditorium. Other accounts report that the IED was left in a car on the church premises.

His activity was claimed to have been caught on the Church CCTV camera.

Following which, he was arrested.

Aftermath of Nathaniel Samuel’s arrest.

Many Nigerians have spoken out against his attempt. Some noting that any religion can have a role to play in terrorism.

Organisations like the Muslim Rights Concern (MURIC) decried his act, but noted that his being Christian proved there are in fact Christian members of the Boko Haram sect. They believe his actions contradict what they believe is the impetus of the CAN protest against insecurity. Others like PDP member – Femi-Fani Kayode are adamant that Samuel is no Christian.

Nothing that, there are a few glaring questions to be answered, however:

1. Why is an Improvised Explosive Device being handled so carelessly?

Detonated or not; from all indications, this is a crudely made device. Why is it being so carelessly tossed about and showcased?

2. Why would a member of the Living Faith Church attempt to blow it up?

No reason behind his actions has been given.

3. Why hasn’t Living Faith Church responded?

Or affirmed whether or not he did in fact attend the pastoral training school?

Do you have any questions about the attempted attack?

The post Here’s What We Know About The Attempted Suicide Bomber, Nathaniel Samuel. appeared first on Zikoko!.

Food is life, we agree. But do you know that while you’ve been playing it safe with food, some people are out there engaging in culinary BDSM? We know you don’t, and that’s why we brought you this to help you move your meal time from basic to advanced.

1. Beans and eba.

As we heard, this slaps. Harder than you can even imagine. Especially if the beans is ewa agoyin and the eba is cold.

2. Spaghetti and beans.

Not cooked separately like they do it at a local restaurant. Cooked together, like Jollof spaghetti with beans added. Finger lickin’ good, so we heard.

3. Bread and peppersoup.

A photo, in case you think we’re pulling your legs.

4. Yam and peppersoup.

Some tribes eat this don’t they? They’re the woke ones.

5. Noodles and yam.

Or even potatoes. Just cut it small small, so you can pick it with a fork. Here’s a small secret: I have eaten it with potatoes and yam before, and it actually banged.

6. Noodles and bread.

What does bread not go with in this life sef?

6. Yam and okro.

Omo, I was shocked too oh. But I assume they meant pounded yam and okro, otherwise…

7. Rice and garri.

Not even going to lie. I ate this once.

8. Akara and bole.

I wanted to suggest peanut butter and bole, but this one eh, I don’t know.

9. Spaghetti and bread.

Yes, please. A hundred times yes. Haven’t you eaten this before?

10. Bread and custard or bread and pap.

I know of bread and pap. Bread and custard on the other hand…

11. Semovita with milk and sugar added.

Yes, this bangs too. I must have tasted it once. But I didn’t like it then, sha.

12. Amala and boiled egg.

I can easily point out a community that serves this at parties, but not today.

The post Weird Food Combinations That Nigerians Actually Love appeared first on Zikoko!.

Can you smell nice on a budget? No, really?

People treat perfumes and scents like some secret society and on a members-only basis. People who smell nice don’t like to reveal the price or name of their fragrances. This is because they want the monopoly of best smelling or they don’t want to share the budget. With this limitation in mind, we discussed with a perfume expert and we present to you some of the most affordable ways to smell nice without hurting your purse. It’s time to give your employer/immediate surrounding a run for their money.

Ladies and Gentlemen, shall we?

NB: Affordable is relative but we picked the price point of between N7,500 – N23,500. This is because many times, the fragrances that pack a punch start from this range.

1) Opulent Musk and Oud – N7,500 each.

Expert: The musk smells like middle eastern royalty, it is rich and warm while the oud is a more masculine version. It is also stronger. They both last 6-8 hours on skin and their projection is 7.5/10. You can choose to either wear it alone or layer them with each other depending on you.

What I heard: This is the perfume you get when you start your first job. To show your parents that you have arrived and they can’t be expecting you to wash their car again. Levels don change pls.

2) Abraaj Oud and Abraaj Valour – N10,500 each.

Expert: The valour is a clone of the Amouage Interlude and it is a budget version for people who can’t afford to buy the highly-priced Amouage Interlude. These perfumes are spicy, woody, fresh with the longevity of 7-9 hours on the skin. The projection is 8.5/10 and it is also long-lasting on clothes so you can never be caught unfresh.

What I heard: Once you start wearing this cologne, your people at home start to serve you extra pieces of beef with food. Your parents seek your opinion in family discussions and they start to respect boundaries.

3) Monte Cameron collection – N14,500 each.

Expert: They smell rich because they are clones of Maison Francis Kurkdjian. The Dark rose, for instance, smells like really dark and woody oud, you get middle eastern vibes when you perceive it. The Gold oud is also an Interlude clone so you understand that you are getting the top smelling scents at an affordable price. it lasts 7-8 hours on skin and projection is 7.5-8/10.

What I heard: You can’t be smelling like this and living with your parents. Once you start using this, you should start to budget for house rent and If you don’t willingly move out, your parents will chase you out. This is because the perfumes smell rich-rich.

4) Cassius Oud – N14,500.

Expert: It’s a clone of the Gucci Oud intense and has that smokey yet mysterious oud smell. If you want to make a mark then you should consider this. It lasts as long as 7-8 hours on the skin so the performance is not an issue. Also, if you want to layer and show yourself, combine it with the Abraaj valour and that is the end. Game over.

What I heard: If you are going for a job interview and you want to ask for a lot of money, you should wear this. After all, smell the way you want your bank account to be addressed.

5) Club de Nuit Intense – N16,500.

Expert: One of the best clones of Creed Aventus. It is woody, floral, and it gives a solid 8 hours on the skin. The projection is more than decent and it’s a compliment getter all round. If you mix it with the Abraaj oud, party scatter ohh.

What I heard: Don’t jump bus smelling like this because the conductor might just ask you to pay for everyone.

6) Bvlgari Man In Black – N23,500.

Expert: Leather, rum, honey = aphrodisiac. It has 8 hours of skin performance, beast projection of 8.5/10 and is a head-turner. According to undisclosed sources, this perfume will “have people wanting to chow you rapidly.”

What I heard: H.R!!

Did we miss any? What are some of your favourites? let us know. Shout out to ‘Daddy Code for walking us through the process and providing photos.

For more info on how to select, mix, play around you should reach out to him. Oh, and the best part is that you just have to state your budget and ye shall be given. There is something for everyone and you can still smell nice.

The post How To Smell Like The CEO Of A Startup…On A Budget appeared first on Zikoko!.