The post Quiz: How Lazy Are You? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Nudity or being half-naked is greatly frowned upon. Well, unless under certain circumstances and events. This just goes to show that almost all of life is contextual so don’t tight everything to your chest. So, when is it acceptable to be half-naked in public?

Let’s begin:

1) Buying jeans at Yaba market:

I repeat: Yaba market is the only place you can casually take off your cloth and no one bats an eye. To protest against cloth removal can be dangerous self.

2) Fighting in Lagos traffic:

No one takes you seriously in Lagos if you don’t pull off your cloth to fight. The number of removed clothing items equals the level of seriousness to the cause. There is only one rule which is that there is no rule.

3) Playing football:

Players pull off their shirts in front of hundreds of thousands of people and we all casually accept it. Okay oh.

4) After fainting in public:

The only first aid Nigerians know how to do for someone who loses consciousness is to remove/loosen your clothes. Next “first aid” is to ask: “did you do aboshan?”

5) When you need to curse Lagos Government on your trek home:

After walking a distance that could easily have been covered by bikes, in between pitying yourself, I implore you to loosen three buttons and call the name of the Government and state your grievances. Chances are almost everyone on the road is doing the same. So, no one is batting an eyelid or looking at you weirdly.

6) When you are performing for your fans:

Remove shirt – check

Jump around the stage – double check

7) Boxing match:

The best job in the world and this is better than remote work. Working from underpants is a huge mood. Dear employer, when can we start wearing only boxers to work?

The post 7 Moments In Life When It’s Perfectly Okay To Be Half-Naked In Public appeared first on Zikoko!.

Ladies and gents, as someone who has been doing it for a while now, I’m here to tell you that remote work is the hottest invention since penicillin.

Don’t quote me on that, though.

Remote work is amazing, especially when you live and work in a place that every time you leave your house, it feels like you’re Super Mario trying to get from one end of a difficult underground stage to the other.

Lagos people, how una dey?

Anyway, if you’re thinking of working remotely, I have a starter kit for you. It’s a list of things you’ll need to make sure your time doing office work in pyjamas goes smoothly.

1) A job that allows remote work.

If you’re a writer, developer, designer, video editor, etc then working remotely won’t be a hassle. However, if you work at a place where remote work is next to impossible e.g bank, I am so sorry but this article isn’t for you. So it feels like you didn’t waste your time, here’s a picture of Guy Fieri hilding a giant hotdog:

2) Have a boss that hopefully doesn’t like looking at your face.

While it does feel good to have a nice boss, it can cross over from “cute” to “creepy” really quick when shit like this starts happening. Having a job that allows remote work won’t mean a thing if you have Willy Wonka as your boss.

3) A workspace.

It doesn’t even have to be anything fancy. It could just be a chair and a table in the corner of your room. Because sitting on your bed, hunched over your computer is exactly how you end up looking like Quasimodo. And lying down to work is exactly how you end up asleep.

4) Strong Internet

The fact that the internet allows one to access Slack, Google Drive, etc from anywhere on the planet is the main reason remote work is possible. Having shitty internet cuts you off from your colleagues, leading to some of them thinking that your remote day was just an excuse to nap.

5) A reliable power source:

If you think PHCN is going to come through for you when you need them the most, you’re a clown whose costume will be delivered shortly. Get you a reliable source of electricity (generator, inverter, solar panel etc) to power your devices (computer, modem, fan etc).

6) And one last thing:

With remote work, it’s up to you to structure your time and get stuff done. A difficult thing to do because that’s a thing you’ve always relied on your boss to do for you. So without the piercing gaze of your boss, you’re going to want to procrastinate and stuff. But you also have to remember that shit like that is what gets you unemployed.

Don’t dull yourself.

The post 5 Things Everyone Needs For Successful Remote Work In Nigeria appeared first on Zikoko!.

The convocation ceremony is a pretty big event for everyone involved. For the graduates, it’s the official confirmation that they’re really done with the school. For parents, it’s the perfect day to show off their children’s intelligence to their friends. Anyway, as it is with everywhere there is a gathering of Nigerians, you will find different categories of people. This is a list of everyone you can expect to see at any Nigerian convocation ceremony:

The Unabashed Slayers

These people will die before they miss out on the chance to add something new to their closet, so the convocation is the perfect cover they need to go on a wild shopping spree. One of the primary reasons they’re at the ceremony is to show everyone that cares how great their style is. They’re only doing it once, they might as well do it right.

The Photo Enthusiasts

Sure, convocations are important events that need to be documented, but some people take this to another level. They’re at there to take a shitload of pictures to keep for future reference – whatever that means.

The Overly Excited Parents

They’ve been looking forward to this day from the moment they started paying tuition. Now that their ‘God When’ prayers have been answered, they show no restraints and would go all out to show how excited they are. Also, they know that academics is out of the way, they can now focus o

The Grumpy Graduate

They could care less about the convocation ceremony and what it signifies. As far as they re concerned, it’s a glorified secondary school valedictory service. The only reason they’re there is that their parents forced them to attend.

The Efikos

They don’t even mean to, but they make others who didn’t graduate with a high-grade wonder why they came to the ceremony at all. Their name is on the Vice-Chancellor and everyone that matters lips, and everyone wants to shake them and pat them on the back for being geniuses.

The Tent Scouters

These are still students of the school, but woe betides them if they don’t make themselves a part of the celebrations. They move in groups, making stops at different tents where the actual celebrants are, in the hopes that they will get packs of food and souvenirs. They don’t care if it’s a bad look on them; the game is the game.

The post All The People You Will Find At A Nigerian University Convocation Ceremony appeared first on Zikoko!.

Contrary to what many professional charlatans have said, there’s nothing wrong with having a backup plan. A semi-comfy safety net that one can confidently fall into if their current reality decides to move mad and go in a direction they didn’t see coming.

To further prove our point, here are examples of five times in life when it’s good to have a backup plan.

1) When writing an exam:

To avoid stories that touch, go with backup pens, pencils, or any other thing you know would mess up your entire flow if it suddenly stopped working or vanished.

2) When driving:

Would you really go on a long drive without a spare tyre? No, you wouldn’t. Because if you did, no one would feel sorry for when one of your tyres inexplicably explodes, leaving you stranded in the middle of nowhere to be eaten by the Jeepers Creepers demon (à la the entire cast of the second movie).

3) When adulting:

Adulting is…a lot. And sometimes, it feels like you can’t catch a break. That’s normal. However, the one thing you can’t forget while life throws challenges at you is to save. Putting aside a part of your income (whenever it’s paid) into a separate account will come in handy when life decides to hit you with a surprise monetary emergency.

4) When it comes to Nigeria’s electricity:

It’s a tale as old as time. There’s no greater disappointment than the one that comes with relying on PHCN’s hella erratic supply to do literally anything. If you don’t have a way to generate power (generator or inverter), you’re screwed.

5) When it comes to protecting your loved ones:

Finding ways to provide them with the best you can when you’re around…and when you’re no longer around. How do you provide for them when you’re no longer around?

That’s where Life Insurance comes in.

When you get life insurance, you get peace of mind because it is the ultimate backup for you and your loved ones. It goes a long way because when you’re old, you’ll have the funds to have other people manage stuff for you. It’s super important to get life insurance now, irrespective of how old you are, so that you’ll have a safety net and be prepared for anything that might happen.

Which brings us to our friends who partnered with us to make this article: the good folks over at ARM Life.

ARM Life has made it their mission to be the leading provider of protection and wealth creation solutions in Nigeria. Which is why they’re making it super easy for people to get started with insurance relating to life, health, and annuity.

Make the first move and visit ARM today to get started.

The post 5 Times In Life When It’s Good To Have A Backup Plan appeared first on Zikoko!.

We can all agree that money is one of the things that we could use more of, and that makes currencies more alive than most of the other things we hold dear. The peculiar thing about currencies is that they share some qualities and behavioural traits with humans (don’t quote us), which explains the existence of this quiz.

We’re going to help you figure out the currency you are identical to, but first, you will need to answer a few questions. Shall we?

The post Quiz: Which Currency Are You? appeared first on Zikoko!.

I know it’s only been 36 days, but man. Nigeria is going through it this 2020.

From bans to a level of insecurity that makes you want to tape your eyes open at night; here are some of the worst things about living in Nigeria in 2020 so far:

Insecurity.

Nigeria’s insecurity is spiking at an alarming rate, and with very few measures in place to curb it; the only place for this level of insecurity to go is up. We’re witnessing everything from kidnappings, robberies and murders. January 8th saw the kidnap of four seminarians from a seminary in Kaduna State; one of whom – Michael Nnadi was recently killed as a result. He was only 18 years old.

Leah Sharibu’s abandonment.

You’ll remember Leah as the Dapchi schoolgirl kidnapped in 2018, whose refusal to renounce Christianity in captivity, prevented her release. You’ll remember, but perhaps the government has forgotten.

In January 2020, news of her conversion to Christianity, marriage to a Boko Haram commander and the birth of a child made the rounds. She is only 16 years old.

Lagos State okada ban.

As if our problems weren’t enough, the Lagos State went Dj Khaled on us, dropping another one, by banning kekes and motorcycles from plying major roads starting February 2020.

Market Fires.

We’ve had the Balogun fire, Idumota fire, Amu market fire to name a few in just the first two months of 2020. This is going to be a long year.

Coronaviruses and self-quarantines.

How does Nigeria handle a deadly communicable virus, yet to find a cure or vaccine? By telling its citizens returning from China and other exposed countries to practice self-quarantine. We couldn’t make this up if we tried.

Nigeria’s visa bans.

Uninterested in receiving Nigeria’s bad vibes, the United States was first to place a ban on certain visas for Nigerians in on February 1st; while China has followed suit, using the containment of the coronavirus as reason for stopping the issuance of visas.

Tarkwa Bay eviction.

If you needed additional proof that the government is completely unfeeling towards the plight of its citizens, look no further than the residents of Tarkwa Bay who, early in the year were evicted from the only home they’ve known for decades without any compensation or alternative shelter provided.

We still don’t have light.

It’s 2020 and Nigeria still can’t hack 24-hour light or the maintenance of its National grid. The national grid has so far collapsed twice in the year 2020. Again, we’re just 36 days in friends.

We have this … individual as senator.

Honourable Ado Doguwa, the majority leader in the House of Representatives, doing probably the only thing we’ll remember him for in his tenure, ladies and gentlemen.

The social media ban denial.

Should we be thankful that the country is at least scared of the international backlash of a social media bill; or should we be angry that Nigerian anger isn’t enough to make the government act right?

Here’s our Minister of Information denying something he very clearly denying the social media ban he personally affirmed in December.

Elisha Abbo is still a senator.

Why? Right answers only from the Nigerian government.

The post We Made A List Of All The Reasons Nigeria Is Sucking In 2020. appeared first on Zikoko!.

“Bitch please, better have my money.”

Let’s face it, finances are tricky. It can ruin relationships and it, in fact, has done so in the past. So, what happens when you lend cash to someone you regarded as your significant other but it doesn‘t work out?

What do you do then? Do you let it go? Break their heads out of transferred aggression? or do you call the authorities on them?

Well, seeing as we enjoy bringing you tea, we asked 5 people for what they would do/what they have done in the past.

Zikoko presents – The good, the bad, the hmmm.

No time to cry

If the breakup was amicable, I will give it some time because we are still friends I believe. However, if it’s a situation where I caught the bastard cheating or something, it’s on the spot oh. In fact, mid-thrust. I can’t be patient with that kind of person. Run me my kudi or I am taking legal actions.

Stockholm syndrome

I once dated one white boy that things didn’t work out with. After the break up he’d always be crying and all. To the extent of missing work and whatnot. Uncle, I understand that you are sad and all but I need my money. It was the weirdest couple of months because I needed cash for rent and other things and I had taken a loan from my siblings. That period made me miss the audacity of Nigerian men. At least Nigerian man will still be actively wicked after everything so I can collect my funds without feeling guilty.

Ole ni everybody

I am a man of peace so I let it go. Actually, to be honest, I cheated and I could not just bring myself to ask for anything. I mean my bank account is not the greatest but I see it as cheating tax. E dey happen. Don’t get me wrong, If she texts me to come to collect it today, I will run but I can’t be the one to ask or make the first move.

Oga police, wetin be dis?

There was this guy I was dating. Well, not really dating but we were talking a lot. I loaned him some millions for his “business” as per sister of good ladies unit in the church. That’s how I moved on to another serious bobo because he was dulling. Oyar, return my money. The first month, excuse. The second month, excuse. I just stopped replying his messages. One early Monday morning, I sent police to his house to pay him a friendly visit for old times’ sake. I don’t know who was more shook, me that I could do such a thing, or him that I could do such a thing.

Periodt.

Relationship, marriage, burial, end of the world. If we agree to a loan and not dash, you must return it. I don’t care what the circumstances are or what has changed. A deal is a deal. I feel the reason why many marriages/relationships have problems is that people do not keep to agreements. Most especially when the mood/emotion/moment has passed. You must grow up and be responsible for an agreement. Ahan.

The post How Would You Collect Money Owed After A Breakup? – We Asked 5 Young Nigerians appeared first on Zikoko!.

At the risk of triggering PTSD from your childhood, don’t think too much about it.

Just take the quiz.

The post QUIZ: We Can Guess which Item You Were Flogged With The Most As A Child appeared first on Zikoko!.

In no particular order, the top three feelings in the world are:

Receiving credit alerts

Having a test cancelled that you didn’t prepare for

Staying home the whole weekend after cancelling plans with the 7 friends and two family members you swore you’d hang out with.

Now money in undefeated and that test thing is also fire; but you see that last one?

There’s no one that likes cancelled plans like homebodies. They know every trick in the book to get out of planned trips, events, hell even Bible study. Here are some OG lies homebodies have told to get out of plans:

I have a date that weekend.

Meanwhile, third-year singledom anniversary is next week.

Sorry, I have to teach my brother his hundred, tens and units.

I thought your brother was in SS3?

You said Sunday? I might be sick that day oh!

Forecasted sicknesses are a thing, look them up!

I have choir practice.

Wait, I thought you were Muslim.

I have to service my Blackberry.

Oh, you didn’t know that was a thing? It fully is.

What’s the worst lie you’ve told to get out of plans?

The post ‘I Already Made Plans This Weekend’ And Other Lies Homebodies Tell. appeared first on Zikoko!.

According to car salesmen, first-time buyers usually do not anticipate the hidden costs that come along with owning a car. They think it’s just enough to buy, not understanding that the journey is just starting.

The general wisdom around for people seeking to buy a car is that the buying is not the issue and that maintenance is where the frustration resides.

So, being curious about how much money it really does cost, I spoke to a relatively young car owner and here’s what he said:

1) Insurance: N3000.

Insurance is important especially in this country where people are moving anyhow. You can just be on your own and someone will hit you out of nowhere. There are two types of insurance – comprehensive and third party insurance so I am on the cheaper one. Which is a third party and that costs N3,000.

2) Fuel: N5,000 per week.

This is even because my car is fuel economic and I don’t go out too much. Some people that have to go long distances spend twice that amount every week. So, mine is like N20,000 on fuel a month.

3) Servicing: N8,500 every other month.

Well, my car is old, the roads are bad. That means I have to service my car regularly if I don’t want it to die on me. The mechanic changes the oil, checks the brakes and makes sure there are no weird sounds. If it’s just basic maintenance and no other fault, N8,500 does the job. But if there are other issues, stress begins.

4) Papers: Not too sure. Around N10,000.

If you have connect, you can do this for a year but I don’t know anyone so I do mine every 6 months. I think my road worthiness costs N4,500. The whole thing plus money for boys I think costs about N10,000.

5) Miscellaneous: Any amount.

See, I have had to change my horn twice and it cost me N9,500 on both occasions. I mean it was different issues but still the same horn. So, you can just wake up and the car is making a strange noise. I have also had to spend N27,000 remodeling the front part of the car.

6) Sorting people because you have a car: Any amount.

Someone tells you how to park, they want money. Someone opens the gate, they want money. All these things add up over time. There is the assumption that once you have a ride, you have arrived.

Total:

When you do the total, that’s like N360,000 at the end of the year and this is a conservative estimate with the hope that nothing dramatic happens.

The post What Are The Hidden Costs Of Owning A Car In Nigeria? appeared first on Zikoko!.

“A blind date is a social engagement between two people who have not previously met, usually arranged by a mutual acquaintance.”

The amazing thing about a blind date is how it can either be the best decision a person has ever made (both parties click) or it can end up being a worse decision than breaching Imhotep’s burial chamber and opening his cursed chest.

With that in mind, we asked 4 people to tell us their worst blind dating horror stories, and boy, y’all are in for a treat. Let’s get into it:

Felix, 27

“I can’t say her name and can’t say her tribe either (because I don’t want to perpetuate a stereotype) so I’m just going to talk about my experience. Remember that scene in the movie, White Chicks, where Terry Crews takes one of the girls on a date and she eats everything like she’s trying to gross him out? That’s exactly what this girl did. She inhaled all the food like a hyena on death row, stuffing the parts she was too full to eat in her purse. I could see the waitstaff shoot me pitiful glances. Also, my name is Felix (pronounced ‘phoe-lix’) but she called me ‘feh-lix’ the entire night. Needless to say, I blocked her with the quickness as soon as the date ended.”

Fara, 24

“Look, I’ve seen the romantic comedies where the guy walks the girl home after their first date and they kiss after which she invites him in for tea or whatever. Sadly, I don’t live in the screenplay for Will Smith’s 2005 movie, Hitch. This is real life and women get murdered for doing stupid shit like that. I made the mistake of mentioning to a guy I went on a movie date with that I lived a walkable distance away from the cinema. After the movie – during which he ate popcorn noisily and refused to share – I told him ‘bye’ and turned to leave when he said he wanted to walk me home. I asked why. He said he wanted to know where I live so he could come over whenever! I calmly said ‘ok’ and told him I needed to pee first. I escaped through the toilet window.”

Stephanie, 21

“This incident really upset me because it was the first date I’d been on in months that had actually gone well. We had similar tastes in movies & music and were both obsessed with Egyptian mythology. I was ready to go back to his place and get some much-needed sexing when a small baggie of what looked a lot like cocaine fell out of his back pocket as he retrieved his wallet to pay for dinner. I looked at. He looked at it. The waiter looked at it. The waiter and I both looked at him. He rushed to pick it up. I began calling my Uber to go home.”

Gbade, 34

“Look, I’m pretty open-minded. It’s 2020 and I strongly believe that two (or more) consenting adults should be allowed to do whatever they enjoy. But I’m pretty sure you’d have a problem getting through your dinner too if your date was explaining, in graphic detail, how anal clamps work. For thirty minutes, she went on a rant about different sex contraptions. It was after she attempted to show me a picture of an anal clamp in action that I screamed and told her that I didn’t think both of us would be a good fit. I paid for dinner and ran.”

Your turn.

Tell us your worst blind horror story.

Also, we made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.

The post 4 People Share Their Blind Date Horror Stories appeared first on Zikoko!.

How was your first kiss? Was it magical? Did you feel butterflies or you swore never to do it again?

Well, we can take a guess at when you had your first kiss.

Don’t believe us? take the quiz below to find out:

The post QUIZ: We Can Guess When You Had Your First Kiss appeared first on Zikoko!.

Two things in life are certain: death and the fact that Nigerian and Lagos State will take you fi idiat.

Well not anymore, on Saturday – February 8th, 2020, we protest!

What is the #OccupyLagos protest?

The #OccupyLagos protest is organised, not by any corporate bodies or influencer shrews, but by everyday Lagosians who are simply concerned about how rapidly things are declining in the ‘megacity’ that they live in. They’ve decided to put their foot down.

Why is the #OccupyLagos protest happening?

The #OccupyLagos protest is against the recent, poorly thought out ban on okadas and keke-napeps; the popular motorcycles and tricycles used as means of transport in Lagos State.

The ban was made without recourse to the thousands or more accurately, millions who rely on these vehicles to eke out a living and those whose livelihoods are heavily dependent on being able to move swiftly with the ease of a keke-napep or an okada.

That said, if you need additional reasons to participate in this protest; we’ve got you covered.

Why the #OccupyLagos protest has to happen.

In case you’re unaware, Lagosians are living in a megacity that is yet to:

1. Find a sustainable solution to uncovered manholes which have been known to cause the death of at least one person – Adewura Bello.
2. Develop a sustainable transport system
3. Be self-sustaining in generating electricity for its inhabitants.
4. Have working streetlights statewide.
5. Develop its waterways for transportation.
6. Have qualitative education for students in government-owned schools.
7. Find a solution to its drainage crisis.
8. Manage its waste problem.
9. Solve its housing deficit
10. Find sustainable homes and welfare systems for its homeless.

If you are done pretending to be okay with this sham of a megacity, the protest will hold again, on February 8th, in Surulere for those residing in the Lagos mainland, and Eko Atlantic City, for those on the Island.

Come in comfortable clothing, and your funniest, wittiest, angriest placards. Let’s give them a Lagos protest they’ll never forget.

The post We’re All Set To #OccupyLagos, Are You Coming? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.

The subject of this week’s Aluta and Chill is Joshua Chizoma, a 500 level student of Law at University of Nigeria, Enugu Campus. He talks about how his time in school has made him disillusioned with his faith, setting him on a quest for answers.

Tell me how you got into school.

I wrote my first UTME exam sometime in 2014. I applied to study Law at University of Ibadan, but I didn’t meet the cut-off by two marks. I was offered European Studies, which I took. However, there was an understanding between me and my parents that I would rewrite the exam the following year and go for Law again. I did that, but this time, I went for University of Nsukka, and I got it. I left Ibadan and came to Enugu, where the university’s faculty of law is. 

How big was the change for you?

It wasn’t a big change. I’m from Imo state, and I was raised in Aba, Abia state, so Enugu wasn’t strange to me. Enugu is slower than Ibadan, but things are more expensive here —  from tuition to food. One thing that irked me when I first got here was the almost non-existent water supply in the hostel. I had to buy the buckets of water I needed. This wasn’t a thing in UI. I think everyone knew I transferred from UI in my first month here because I was always complaining and comparing the two schools.

How quickly did you adapt to your new school?

Quite quickly. I’ve always been religious and I used to be in a church fellowship when I was in UI, so I found another one when I got to UNN. It gave me a community of people that always looked out for me. It was a great coping mechanism during my first months here. This could have been a happily ever after story, but I started to get disillusioned with the church after a while.

What do you mean?

I was pretty involved in the activities of the church.  I even became a part of the church leadership in the second year —  and that was when it started.

Where did that feeling come from? 

It’s hard to say. It was a culmination of several factors that built up over time. It started when I began to question a lot of things I was taught and brought up to accept. I became critical of everything I was expected to believe in, and it sort of pointed out all the inconsistencies in the bible.

I found the system which the church operated on worrisome. I wasn’t comfortable with all the politics that had plagued its operations. I thought everyone was supposed to be treated equally, but there was a disparity in the ways people were treated — it appeared that some people were being given preference, especially if they put on an act and project that they were loyal to the pastor.  Also, as much as we tried not to acknowledge it, a person’s wealth was of great importance. There was just a lot of sycophancy and sentimentalism going on that didn’t sit well with me.

In addition,  people tend to think the church is everything you need to believe in and push everything else into the background. For example; the way the whole “grace” thing is blown out of proportion is interesting, you’d be tempted to think that hard work has no place in the conversation. I remember someone telling me that it wasn’t important to achieve academic excellence or aspire to reach the summit because it wasn’t within the “realm of spirituality.”  That rubbed me off the wrong way, and I felt that there should be room in the church to talk about all these things, especially considering that the community is predominantly students. 

I suppose I’d always known these even before I came to UNN, but they came into full glare when I got here.

Did you talk to anyone about this?

No, I didn’t. That’s not something you talk about. I mean, what would it yield? We cloak a lot of things with spirituality that sometimes, we fail to have and drive actual conversations. If it’s not about your “salvation”, no one cares about it. I guess I thought nobody would understand where I was coming from, and that would make me stand out.  In retrospect, I should probably have – it could have gotten me some answers.                                                                                                                           

Did this realisation change anything for you?

It hampered my relationship with God. I would be in church and would focus instead on all the externalities, and not necessarily on worship. In my 4th year, I took a step back from the activities of the church, so I could get away from all the politics and inconsistencies. It was the best thing I could do for myself because I had started to nurse some resentment towards the church and the people in it.

Didn’t anybody ask you why you decided to withdraw from your role?

Oh, they did. I had a long conversation with my pastor. Of course, I told him my heart was not in the right place and I needed to work on myself. That did it.

What did you do after that?

At the height of my disillusionment, I started to write about my distance from everything connected to my faith, and how I hope to find a place where I would be at peace with myself. There was this one I wrote, and the reactions that trailed it were interesting because people seemed surprised by it. I get that; I was still going through the motions, so I was still going to church. Everyone was just like “I hope you find closure.” I hope so too. 

Do you think the university had a role to play in all this?

It was the platform I needed to meet people with different thought processes, and the school also taught me how to open my mind to what I wouldn’t ordinarily pay attention to. But ultimately, the institution of the church itself was the catalyst. If it wasn’t for the particular circumstances in the church, I probably wouldn’t be on this path. This didn’t happen when I was in UI.

Also, I met a couple of atheists in school, some of whom I became friends with, and the conversations I had with them opened me up to the possibility of questioning the place where my beliefs came from – if they came out of a place of conviction, or if they were foisted upon me by my parents and societal expectations, considering that I was raised in the east where Christianity is mainstream.

This is interesting, but have you found the answers you’re looking for?

No, I honestly don’t know. I guess it’s a process. And the only thing I could do for myself is to trust it. I still go to the church, and I still believe that I need a relationship with God. I just need to find these answers so that I can start to enjoy everything related to the church again. 

Do you think you’re ever going to find them?

There is no guarantee, but I really hope so. That’s the point of asking these questions; of taking a step back from everything to get some clarity. It would be extremely disappointing if I don’t find them. It would almost seem like my whole existence was built on a giant lie. I’m not sure I can live with that.

Are you currently studying in Nigeria or elsewhere and have a story to share about your life in school? Please take a minute to fill this form and we will reach out to you ASAP.

Can’t get enough Aluta and Chill? Check back every Thursday at noon for a new episode. Find other stories in the series here.

The post University Happened And Now He’s Disillusioned With Religion: Joshua’s Aluta and Chill appeared first on Zikoko!.

“We found love in a hopeless place” – Rihanna.

No matter how old you are, we all agree that only love can make us whole again. It doesn’t even have to be romantic, even familial love counts. So, where are some of the most absurd yet hilarious places to find love in this country?

1) Linkedln:

Adding someone to your network has a different meaning depending on how you look at it. Think about it. The best part is that you people are doing professional love.

2) Market:

It’s a hot sunny day in the market, flies are buzzing, you both reach for meat on the tray. Your hands touch and you feel a connection, the meat seller fades into the background, the market noise dims out. Your reverie is interrupted by the meat seller saying “N3,500 jale jale.” Love at first touch.

3) Anatomy lab:

You are dicing up cadavers, you both reach out to cut the same part of the body. Everything slows down, you perceive the smell of formalin mixed with her fragrance. Her hair sways in the heat of the darkroom, you have never seen anyone look more glorious. Love at first anatomy session.

4) ATM queue:

It’s funny how a simple “I am behind you” can lead to a lifetime of being behind her. She smiles and says sure. Your heart skips a beat and you mutter under your breath “mafo.” Unbeknownst, you have fallen in love. You really found love in a hopeless place.

5) Deliverance session:

“I am looking for heaven for the devil in me” – Florence Welch.

You are her heaven and she’s your reformed devil. The Ying to your Yang, the Lagos state to your stress levels.

6) Trekking:

Apart from listening to music, other fun things Lagosians can do while walking includes asking for genotype, blood group, family’s history. If all checks, you can get married by the end of the week.

7) Nairaland:

Freak on the Nairaland streets, sweetheart in the Whatsapp sheets. Just open a “looking for love” forum on the website and you never know where it may end.

8) At your own wedding:

Don’t let your partner stop you from finding the love of your life.

9) IELTS center:

A couple that studies together, jaapa together. More points for you. If you know, you know.

10) Witch meeting:

After plotting on who to destroy and whose soul to steal, you catch up with your fellow coven member for drinks. Drinks here means blood just so we are clear. It’s funny what people are outside of “work.” People really are multi-faceted, you are intrigued so you find yourself continuously thinking of them. No binding and casting fashioned against your romance can prosper.

11) Instablog Naija comments section:

The enthusiasm with which they support Tacha is what catches your eye. Passionate is how you’d describe them to your friends. Their vulgar nature and boldness makes you hot in certain previously cold parts of your body. Love really has made you whole again.

12) Zikoko’s online dating show:

You don’t believe us? watch the trailer below:

The post 12 Of The Most Unlikely Places To Find Love In Nigeria appeared first on Zikoko!.

There are very few things as triggering for women as the topic of hair. Whether its weaves, weave length, wigs, the great frontal V closure debate; there’s always something to talk about.

Now if extensions are topic enough to get women riled up about hair, wait till you get to the topic of the very hair that grows off the scalp. Worse if you have short hair.

Here are 5 things you absolutely can relate to if you’re a woman going through the struggle of growing your hair:

When you’re hard at work in front of your computer, but you’re really watching Youtube hair tutorials.

When you catch people looking at your hair and you start explaining (unprovoked) how you had long hair in Nursery 3.

The envy in your heart when notice your friends that did the big chop three months ago, are already sporting big afros.

Your hair when it notices you want to put another rose water and river sheen mixture on it.

If you’re natural, when the frustration wants to finish you and you start looking at relaxer like:

Ladies, what’s the most frustrating thing about growing your hair out?

The post 5 Things Every Woman Struggling To Grow Her Hair Can Relate With. appeared first on Zikoko!.

The camera became a thing that’s pre-installed on phones, and it changed everything. The world jumped on the wave, embraced the technology, and became photographers of sorts. However, there are some people who find pictures repulsive, especially if they are in it. If the sight of a camera makes you want to lose your shit, this is for you

1. When a new phone comes out and everyone won’t stop talking about the camera quality

Just negodu. So many cool features and this is what you like?

2. You never use your phone’s flashlight as camera flash

I’m a simple person with simple needs.

3. You, after taking about 30 selfies and all of them come out as ugly

Well, you can’t say I didn’t try

4. When you try to avoid a group photo and someone asks you to join

Why can’t you mind your business?

5. You, when someone offers to take a photo of you

Don’t you have more important things to do in your life?

6. How you struggle to find a good pose

But life shouldn’t be this hard.

7. When someone has taken about three pictures of you and they’re still want to take more

Don’t you get tired? Stop. Just stop.

8. When someone asks to see your phone gallery

Oh, you like staring into nothingness?

9. You, when you have to take a passport photograph

Just kill me.

10. You, when you take a picture you actually like

I’m a what? A spec.

The post 10 Struggles Only People Who Hate Pictures Will Understand appeared first on Zikoko!.

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner.

Here you go:

The post QUIZ: What Are You Like In A Relationship? appeared first on Zikoko!.

1. The sight of a small white bus.

Your brain just screams, “BUS 5”.

2. The video game character, Mario.

Reminds you of the pocket-sized demon that tortured us.

3. The word “Caution”.

You immediately feel the urge to shut up.

4. People named Muyiwa.

If your name is Muyiwa, can you even trust yourself?

5. Filling forms.

Always triggers memories of filling offence forms.

6. Biometric devices.

Our thumbs have suffered.

7. Audis.

The only other car we feared as much as Bus 5.

8. The animated villain, Megamind.

Reminds you of the other big-headed villain that haunted chapel.

9. When your device starts “pairing”.

Ah. I’m not pairing oh.

10. The word “Papa”.

Is there a word you hate more?

11. When someone says “Good news”.

You already know it never is.

12. Whenever you see corporate clothes.

Take that tie away from me.

13. The entire Ogun state.

Ogun state reminds you of Ota, which in turn reminds you of CU.

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