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The Struggle Of Nigerians and ‘African Time’

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1. The unofficial ‘African time’ formula:

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You’ll probably still be too early.

2. When you actually go for a Nigerian event on time.

empty

Na me mess up.

3. When you get to an event one hour late and they are still “setting up.”

obama stress

Are you joking?

4. What Nigerians mean when they say “I’m on my way”:

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They have not left their bed.

5. What Nigerians mean when they say “I’m 5 minutes away”:

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They are taking their bath, you’ll wait there.

6. When you go to an event late because ‘African time’ but it’s already over.

sad club

See betrayal.

7. When you want Nigerians to come by 9:00 so you tell them 7:00 so they’re 30 minutes early.

satisfied look

WINNING.

8. When someone tries to use ‘African time’ as an excuse for coming late.

shut up

It’s like you’re mad.

9. You, waiting for your friend that uses ‘African time’:

young and old (1)

You’ll die there.

10. When your book for first flight and you’re still sitting in the airport by 3pm.

BRUH

African time applies to airlines too.

11. When you order food online and it says ’30 minutes delivery’ but it’s already midnight.

Clwhh89WkAE8YiE

God why.

12. When your tailor says your cloth will be ready in a week but…

84 years

The owambe has come and gone.

13. When money has entered your account but your bank is doing ‘African time’ to send your alert

phone bus

Pay me what you owe me biko.

The post The Struggle Of Nigerians and ‘African Time’ appeared first on Zikoko!.


Can Freeze Just Stop Talking Forever?

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Everybody loves doing a form of amebo and it isn’t always bad. But there’s a certain OAP that likes to chook his mouth in things that don’t concern him. And as expected, everything he says is almost always outright ridiculous.

When Daddy Freeze started sharing his unsolicited opinion on things, we thought he was on his way to being ‘woke’.

na so

But no, his posts just kept on being completely ridiculous.

stares at the stupidity

One day, Noble Igwe jejely shared this picture on his Instagram but amebo Nigerians wanted to know why his wife wasn’t cooking for him.

download via Instagram

And because he schooled them on how his wife isn’t his cook…

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Daddy Freeze felt Nigerians cared about what he had to say and tweeted how he’d rather have a woman who does ‘both’.

Screenshot (211)

Abeg who asked him?

OVERSABI

As a correct Nigerian man, Noble Igwe dragged him all over Twitter for saying nonsense.

Who does he think he is to talk about someone else’s wife?

When Freeze thinks his opinion is actually relevant and posts an essay on Instagram…

Funny-Girl-sit-down-GIF

When something happens and Freeze hasn’t said anything about it.

strong face

He needs to stop being ridiculous and basically…

shut up

And instead of doing amebo and writing essays that aren’t of any benefit to any one, he should just face his work.

face your work

The post Can Freeze Just Stop Talking Forever? appeared first on Zikoko!.

Kim Kardashian Came For Taylor Swift And The Reactions Are The Most Hilarious Things On The Internet

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We all remember this mic-snatching drama of 2009 and all the controversy that followed.

However, Kanye publicly apologised to Taylor Swift and they became friends afterwards, he even sent her flowers.

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However, he stated he sought her consent before mentioning her in his 2016 song, Famous.

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But when Taylor won a Grammy in 2016, she threw heavy shade at him for rapping about her in her acceptance speech.

In an interview with GQ, his wife, Kim, came to his defence and called Taylor out for lying .

kim dissapointed

Being a badass woman and the new winner of the petty Olympics, she jejely waited for National Snake Day, July 18…

And dropped the receipts of Taylor agreeing to let Kanye rap about her on Snapchat.

Twitter people were all here for the banter.

How Kim went to gather all the receipts.

Some people want to throw a party because Kim exposed Taylor’s lies.

Taylor’s fans are vexing.

Kim Kardashian actually won this one.

This hilarious and accurate bible verse.

When you’ve been forming bad guy and someone comes to tweet all your receipts.

What Nigerians see when people talk about Taylor.

Perhaps she learnt from Nigerian tailors.

Maybe Taylor is the shark in Scooby Doo.

Maybe that’s why her last album was named 1989.

Some people have no chill sha.

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They even went to edit her Wikipedia profile.

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Some people have a role for her in Mean Girls.

Was that why Kanye kuku snatched her mic in 2009?

Maybe Taylor has been lying to the world all this while.

And instead of facing front, Selena came to form best friend and was appropriately draaaaaagged!

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We’re still waiting for Taylor to come and properly defend herself sha.

Shout out to Kim for blessing the world with this much banter. She’s officially the shadiest of them all.

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The post Kim Kardashian Came For Taylor Swift And The Reactions Are The Most Hilarious Things On The Internet appeared first on Zikoko!.

The First African Passport Has Been Launched But People Have Mixed Reactions

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Finally, we can all now get a red passport!

yass

For the record, it’s a pan-African passport which was launched on July 17 during the 27th African Union Summit in Kigali, Rwanda.

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However, the first recipients of this passport were Idriss Deby, who is the Chairperson of the African Union and President of Chad, and Rwandan President, Paul Kagame.

1-145 via Xinhua/Rex/Shutterstock

The passport was launched in an effort to promote opening of borders and more efficient trans-African relations.

According to officials of the AU, the passport will be available in 5 languages including French, English and Swahili and will also have high security features.

african-union-leaders via Cyril Ndegeya/Afp/Getty Images

By 2018, the passport will be available to citizens of the 54 member-countries of the African Union except Morocco, which left the Union in 1984.

excited yass

Some Africans couldn’t be more thrilled at this development.

And can’t wait to start travelling across Africa.

Some others believe this passport only confirms a certain stereotype – although this is highly illogical.

Africa certainly has more things to worry about than a general passport.

The passport should be made readily available for citizens.

There are no details about the registration process for this passport. However, we hope it makes travelling across Africa more convenient.

The post The First African Passport Has Been Launched But People Have Mixed Reactions appeared first on Zikoko!.

The Struggles Of Being Romantic In Lagos

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So that’s how one Lagos boy just finished watching a nollywood romance movie and started feeling inspired

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It’s time to move to the next level.

So he does more “research” and plots and plans like a real Lagos boy

paying attention

It’s a serious matter!

He first takes one babe for a picnic in the park

smiles smile

Eat. Love. Nature…. “romantic sometings”.

But then all the insects in Lagos decide to join them

Oh no

Na wa for Lagos nature oh.

On to the next babe… because he has many.

nigerian babes

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

He decides to take the next babe on a long drive

car-on-gravel-road-road-trip-in-South-Africa (1)

Love in the time of potholes.

But then they enter one deadly traffic

PIC.4.TRAFFIC GRIDLOCK AT KETU, ON IKORODU  ROAD, AFTER AN ACCIDENT WHICH
INVOLVED A TRUCK AND THREE COMMERCIAL BUSES IN LAGOS ON FRIDAY (23/01/15). 
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Mo daran!

Then he decides to up his game and write her a “not so anonymous” anonymous letter

writer

Shakespeare abeg shift, the real writers are here!

Only for her to complain that one idiot wrote her an anonymous letter talking rubbish

Dont provoke me to anger

Can you imagine? After all his hard work oh.

Then he battles another traffic just to play romantic music outside her window

XKyu2Mel (1)

This one must click.

Only to get to her gate and hear “ah madam said I should say she is not around oh”

do this

You say what?

Then finally he tries to do a real romance and kiss in the rain

CO9dxitVAAAxPRS

Come on baby!

Only for her to start shouting that he ruined her hair and now she has cattarh

What is your problem?

Aunty you will not kill someone sha!

So he decides to give up and goes back to his normal level of late night call, credit and shawarma

tried

Son of man cannot come and go and die. Not everything is for everybody abeg!

Moral of the story; not everytime copy-cata, sometimes face your front

rihanna winding window

Leave romance for nollywood, biko.

The post The Struggles Of Being Romantic In Lagos appeared first on Zikoko!.

Melania Trump Is The Latest Copy-Copy In Town And We Have Proof

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Everyone in the world knows how interesting and lit the U.S presidential race is. And something even more interesting happened on July 18.

During the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, gave her first major public speech, and she slayed so hard!

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Well…until people realised her speech was similar to Michelle Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention of 2008.

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Can you imagine?

beyonce shock

Seriously, just look at this…

People on Twitter have no chill, they’ve been dragging her for doing copy-copy.

When you’re writing a test and the teacher says “5 minutes left”.

When you haven’t done your homework and it’s time to submit.

When you’re writing your final exams and you can’t afford another carry-over.

But she sha said she wrote the speech on her own, “with as little help as possible”.

When a copy-cat is trying to form originality.

smell lies

Did she think we won’t notice a whole Michelle Obama’s speech?

Screenshot (213) via ElleDubs2

Even though some people need serious cane for this kind of disgrace…

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Those of you that are copying our Zikoko posts and using them to shine shouldn’t chook mouth. We see you!

look

The post Melania Trump Is The Latest Copy-Copy In Town And We Have Proof appeared first on Zikoko!.

Can We Talk About This Cover Of Genevieve Magazine?

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Four of the most beautiful Nigerian celebrities, Beverly Naya, Mocheddah, Adesua Etomi and Sika Osei, covered the latest edition of Genevieve Magazine.

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See how they’re all shining and popping.

slay

But in spite of how empowering this cover looks with all the slayage, the quotes on this picture couldn’t be more disappointing.

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And for a magazine that claims to be women-oriented, the quotes on this cover are a bit of a let-down .

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It’s even more disappointing because most of us thought a cover like this would feature quotes on the things women face in the Nigerian entertainment industry.

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When a magazine puts ‘Fearlessly Female’ and quotes that bring women down on the same page.

phaedra face

Some Nigerians aren’t pleased with this cover sha.

They’re hoping the article isn’t as bad as the cover.

The quotes could’ve been random statements that were taken out of context.

Although the quotes on this cover page could be easily taken out of context, we’ll wait to see the full article before judging them.

face aku

The post Can We Talk About This Cover Of Genevieve Magazine? appeared first on Zikoko!.

A Post For Nigerians Who Love Food, By Nigerians Who Love Food

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1. When you don’t want to go out but you hear “free food”.

creepy smile

My body is ready.

2. When you go for a buffet and someone tries to enter your front.

vex

Better respect yourself.

3. When your mother starts doubting your stomach.

4. When the person serving food at the owambe keeps passing you.

sit scared sad look

See my life.

5. When the caterer tries to block your blessing.

Better face your front.

6. Your plate at every owambe:

plates of food

Can’t dull it.

7. When you follow your friend to a fancy restaurant and you see the tiny portions.

what is this

Am I a goat?

8. When there is still flesh on your bone and your waiter tries to clear your plate.

respect yourself

You want to die, ba?

9. When someone wants to take you on a date that doesn’t involve food.

kim bye

Are we in the abroad?

10. Your monthly food budget:

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Food is the most important, abeg.

11. When you buy take-away but finish the food before you get home.

potbelly

Don’t judge me.

12. When your friend says you spend too much money on food.

wetin concern you

Face your front.

13. Nigerian mothers: “…when you’re always eating.”

eat

Hay God!

14. When you dish your food and one aunty comes to say “for you alone?!”

child face

Please, go to your house.

15. When your siblings eat the food you kept in the fridge.

fight pnch

Blood is not thicker than food oh!

16. When the person saying grace for food starts praying too long.

wake

Can we eat, biko?

17. You, leaving every party with food like:

pack load

I cannot carry last.

If you love food as much as we do, don’t carry last on the 500dishes Foodfest:

Zikoko-hungerGames2-min (1)

YASSS!!! Zikoko will be there hosting the food competition of life – Zikoko Hunger Games.

And before you say Zikoko never did anything nice for you, we will be giving away free tickets to some lucky readers.

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All you have to do is share this post on either Twitter or Facebook and we will pick at random.

You can also get 10% off when buying your 500dishes foodfest tickets using the voucher code “ZIKOKO”.

welcome

Head to 500dishes.com/foodfest to get your tickets.

The post A Post For Nigerians Who Love Food, By Nigerians Who Love Food appeared first on Zikoko!.


15 Pictures That Will Make Sense To Every Nigerian Graduating This Year

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1. You, turning up on the last Sunday thanksgiving service:

dance

Turn up for Jesus.

2. How you wake up on your graduation day:

smile broad

FINALLY!

3. When you see that lecturer that said you wouldn’t graduate.

twerk haters

Twerk on them haters.

4. You and your crew, stepping out in your graduation kacks like:

squad kacks

As bad guys.

5. When you have to cover it up with your ugly graduation gown.

look-disgust

Why na?

6. When people ask you what CGPA you graduated with.

point

Have I not graduated ni?

7. You, giving your parents your certificate after they forced you to do Engineering:

take wahala go

Shebi you’re happy now?

8. When your course mates are crying and hugging each other and you’re just there like:

see these

Do and go abeg.

9. When your parents invite the whole street to your graduation ceremony.

crowd

HAY GOD!

10. The unofficial Nigerian graduation picture:

nigerian youngest first class graduate london

This pose is a must.

11. When you wake up the day after and you realise you don’t have to go to school.

wake up grad

BEST!

12. When you ask your father for money and he reminds you that you’re a graduate.

look boy

Ah! Is it like that?

13. When you haven’t finished enjoying freedom and they bring up masters.

Oh no

CAN I REST THOUGH?

14. When you suddenly have to start worrying about NYSC posting.

stress-inna-mi

What is it sef?

15. When you remember that you’ll soon have to get a real job.

crying odun

I’m not ready to start adulting.

The post 15 Pictures That Will Make Sense To Every Nigerian Graduating This Year appeared first on Zikoko!.

How To Give Your Nigerian Grandparents Headache

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You must answer “NO” to the question “Have you eaten?”

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“Ah! You want to starve to death?”

When they now cook for you, you must tell them you are not eating

do this

“Ahn ahn! How can?”

You must go their house slimmer than the last time they saw you

Crying (2)

“Are they not feeding you at home?”

You must call your older siblings and cousins by their first name (not brother or aunty)

respect yourself

“Ah! You lack respect sha.”

You must reject their natural medicines when you are sick

eva oil

“What is aspirin? My friend come and drink agbo!”

When they ask you what you want to become, make sure you don’t say lawyer or doctor

die

“You want to disgrace our family abi?”

In fact, say you don’t want to go to school

look shock

“HAYYYYYY kuku kill me oh!”

If you are in the area they live, don’t visit them

pool-of-tears

“What if I die tomorrow nko? Will you not see me before I die?”

You must show them that you take after your other side of the family

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“But I thought you were one of us. “

Even though you understand their language, speak only English to them

pardon pahdin

“Hayyy this world has spoilt. I blame your parents.”

Take longer than 2 hours after you graduate from school to marry

why drake confused

“What are you waiting for?”

When you marry, take longer than 9 months and 1 day to start giving them great grandchildren

Really Angry Dog

“Time is going oh!”

In fact just say you don’t want to marry

downloadya

“What are you even talking?”

The post How To Give Your Nigerian Grandparents Headache appeared first on Zikoko!.

A Nigerian Journalist Has Won The Prestigious Komla Dumor BBC Award

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Hard-working with a passion for telling African stories, the award-winning Didi Akinyulere launched her career in the financial sector in 2011 after graduating from University of Nottingham.

She moved to journalism in 2013 when she joined the Lagos branch of CNBC and is currently the producer and presenter of a business show, Open Exchange West Africa.

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Following the sudden death of Ghanaian BBC World New presenter, Komla Dumor, in 2014, an annual award was set aside in her memory. And this year, Didi is the second journalist to be honored with the award.

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As part of the award prize, Didi will join the BBC team in London for a 3-month placement in September where she’ll attend a course with the BBC Academy.

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This prize also comes with an additional opportunity for her to travel to a country in Africa with a top BBC producer to report on a story targeted at the global audience.

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One of the judges of the panel, BBC Africa’s Josephine Hazeley, described Didi as excellent in telling business stories and the right candidate for the award.

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Didi is proof that Nigerian journalism will only keep getting better. We’re so proud of her!

The post A Nigerian Journalist Has Won The Prestigious Komla Dumor BBC Award appeared first on Zikoko!.

A Nigerian Civil Organisation Believes The NYSC Year Should Be Devoted To Farming

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While some people love NYSC with all its wahala, we all have to admit that having to teach during NYSC isn’t the coolest experience.

And while many of us aren’t even over this teaching idea, a civil society organisation, Buhari Youth Organisation, believes the NYSC service year should be devoted to farming.

shock face

According to their spokesman, Abdul-Waheed Odunuga, the NYSC scheme needs to restructured so that graduates can help boost Nigeria’s agricultural sector during their service year.

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He suggested the state and federal governments create farms where graduates can learn agriculture and farm while serving the country.

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Instead of them to suggest realistic solutions to the unemployment problem in Nigeria, they’re talking about farming.

sutantragic

Anyway, the corpers can kuku use the farming as an excuse to join fitfam, muscle cannot waste.

laughing

Or they could just start one farm in their backyard, don’t say we don’t do anything for you guys.

US President Barack Obama winks as he tells a joke about his place of birth during the White House Correspondents Association Dinner in Washington, DC, April 28, 2012. The annual event, which brings together US President Barack Obama, Hollywood celebrities, news media personalities and Washington correspondents, features comedian Jimmy Kimmel as the host. AFP PHOTO / Saul LOEB        (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/GettyImages)

In this age where graduates of developed countries are making ground-breaking discoveries, some people still believe Nigerian graduates would be better off learning a trade.

ashamed-benzino

Nigeria will only keep up with the rest of the world if opportunities can be provided for its citizens to improve the failing sectors in the country.

The post A Nigerian Civil Organisation Believes The NYSC Year Should Be Devoted To Farming appeared first on Zikoko!.

13 Pictures About Nigerian Politicians That Are Beyond Accurate

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1. Nigerian politicians summed up in a poem:

the leader

Too accurate.

2. Nigerian politicians and “resign”:

What is a “resign”?

3. This one about the INEC chairman:

Free and fair ko.

4. When Nigerian politicians show you their true colours.

before and after via @DUPE0LA

ALL THE TIME.

5. Nigerian politicians and their counterparts abroad:

See these ones.

6. Nigerian politicians and equality:

“It is unafrican.”

7. This perfect shade:

corrupt via @Teachy

Too perfect, abeg.

8. This very apt correction:

hAPPIEST via @Ebuka

Nobody is happier than a Nigerian politician.

9. Nigerian politicians and misplaced concern:

Na wa!

10. The only things Nigerian politicians know how to say:

Where their vocabulary starts and ends.

11. This one about the national cake:

Manage the rest.

12. This one about Nigerian politicians and indecision:

not sure via @Mr_goje

They must not carry last.

13. This one about Nigeria’s money:

Is it a lie?

The post 13 Pictures About Nigerian Politicians That Are Beyond Accurate appeared first on Zikoko!.

Captain America’s Florence Kasumba Is Set To Feature In The New Wonder Woman Movie

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You have to be sleeping on a Keke not to know this badass Ugandan actress called Florence Kasumba.

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She’s the woman that slayed our lives with just one line in Captain America: Civil War.

Captain-America

Like seriously, this was our reaction when she delivered that line.

mama the mama

And because the whole world has recognised her awesomeness, the 40-year-old actress is set to feature in the 2017 DC movie, Wonder Woman.

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Florence is set to play the role of Senator Acantha, one of the notable characters in Wonder Woman’s comic universe, Themyscira.

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However, details of Senator Acantha’s role in the movie haven’t been revealed by the movie producers.

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While seeing her in Wonder Woman would be an amazing experience, abeg she should feature in the forth-coming Black Panther movie so she can give us life one more time.

1000full-florence-kasumba

The post Captain America’s Florence Kasumba Is Set To Feature In The New Wonder Woman Movie appeared first on Zikoko!.

A Nigerian Woman’s Make-Up Struggles

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1. When your mother finally allows you start using make up and you can graduate from baby powder and “wet lips”

happy

Now I can reach my full potential!

2. You looking for the right shade of foundation

searching

Come out, come out wherever you are!

3. When you see a new make up trend or make up look by you favourite beauty blogger

paying attention

Please what did you call this one again?

4. What you think you look like when you imitate the new look vs what you actually look like

Untitled design (77)

Na wa oh!

5. When you’ve been in the sun for 5 minutes and your make up is ruined

stressing

After all the wahala I went through to be able to do my face like this!

6. When you hear the price of high end make up

pardon pahdin

Please say it again my ear is blocked.

7. When your eyeliner is not co-operating

crying eyes beyonce

Which kind of wahala is this?

8. When someone says you should “quickly” do your make up

not serious

Greatness is not rushed please!

9. When you hear how much make up artists are now charging

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Wowee! To rub pancake?

10. When someone compliments your natural beauty after you’ve spent 30 minutes doing a “no make up” look

This is not my real face

“Be ye not deceived!” but thank you sha.

11. When you go without make-up and people start asking if you’re ill

pool-of-tears

So I am now ugly abi?

The post A Nigerian Woman’s Make-Up Struggles appeared first on Zikoko!.


A Really Lit Yard Sale Is Happening In Lagos This July, But Are You Ready For It?

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When wardrobes start overflowing with clothes that are hardly worn, it only means one thing, TIME TO DECLUTTER!

Clothes

This was exactly how Ginikachi Eloka, the brain behind NFB yard sale, felt as a UNILAG undergraduate in 2014, when she stared in to her wardrobe and realised she had a lot of valuable clothes she wasn’t wearing.

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Reaching out to her friend, they both organised a yard sale in December 2014 and the buyers couldn’t be more pleased at the good deals they got.

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Now a graduate of Systems Engineering and a force to be reckoned with in the creative industry, Kachi believes more people should engage in letting go of things they don’t need because it helps them focus on acquiring more important things in life.

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However, Kachi’s NFB Yard Sale now comes with a bigger objective of charity and providing value for the buyers and sellers.

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People who want to declutter their wardrobe for a reasonable amount of money can be a part of the forth-coming yard sale.

IMG_5844 via Instagram

It’s also an opportunity for fashion lovers to shop stylish pieces at affordable prices.

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And because it’s important to reach out to those in need, there will an auction segment where the money generated will be donated towards empowering the less privileged women of Iroto, a rural community in Ogun state.

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Although the aim is to generate over N250 million towards the Iroto project, the auction is set to begin at N3,500.

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The yard sale is set to happen on July 24 at Ethnic Heritage Center, 35A Raymond Njoku street, off Awolowo road Ikoyi.

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There’ll be so many awesome pieces from designers like Gucci, Lisa Folawiyo, CLAN, Hermes and Swarovski and also what we all love the most, PLENTY FOOD!

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To be a part of this yard sale, check out more details via the Instagram and Facebook pages.

The post A Really Lit Yard Sale Is Happening In Lagos This July, But Are You Ready For It? appeared first on Zikoko!.

13 Things You Will Recognize From Falling Sick In A Nigerian Home

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1. When you tell your mother you’re sick and she says “you’re strong in Jesus’ name.”

confused and stressed

Amen! But I’m still vomiting sha.

2. How your parents see themselves when you fall sick:

doctor

You people are now doctors, abi?

3. When your mother feels your forehead to check your temperature.

malaria

Hian! Is it only malaria?

4. The real doctors in every Nigerian home:

panadol (1)

Nigerian parents not-so-secret weapon.

5. “I have a cold.” “I was shot in my leg.” “I was hit by a trailer.”

robb-original

Robb is the answer when you don’t even know the question.

6. The last stop before your parents actually take you to a hospital

anointing oil

Can’t even imagine using it to cook. It is anointing oil now and forever.

7. The sick Nigerian’s unofficial diet:

nigerian-peppersoup_001-600x398

THE BEST.

8. When you think sickness will stop you from going to school.

uniform

When it’s not that you’re dead.

9. When your parents still wake you up to go and wash pot.

635953363743133263-793554252_kim-in-bed

Hay God!

10. Your mother, when you fall sick on a Sunday.

oya

Holy Spirit will heal you.

11. When you vomit in front of your parents.

pregnants

That’s the only explanation.

12. When your parents suddenly start acting nice to you.

shock-face

Oh? I should fall sick more often.

13. Your mother, if your sickness lasts longer than 4 days:

enough

Better get up.

The post 13 Things You Will Recognize From Falling Sick In A Nigerian Home appeared first on Zikoko!.

My (Almost) Sugar Daddy And Me

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I had just been promoted at work, so I went to have lunch somewhere very nice to congratulate myself.

Excited

Yass!

I really enjoyed myself oh, eating and overeating sef.

Overeating

Is it your promotion? Allow me jere!

When it was time to pay, the waiter told me my bill had been taken care of and a “really nice man” wanted to appreciate me.

Interesting

Oh?

What I was hoping to see:

rmd3

Yes sir, Anything you want sir.

What I saw:

mr-ibu

Ah! Maybe not.

This big daddy waddled to me and without any wasting of time, told me he is ready to take care of me.

Blank stare

You mean am?

I told him “no thank you” and tried to pay him back the money.

No

Baba carry your wahala and go oh!

He refused oh and started promising to fly me all around the world, buy me things and show me a good time.

money davido

Ahn ahn! Is it by force?

Me:

Rolls eyes

Oga go and fry this your dodo elsewhere!

Before I could even say anything again I just heard one booming voice “EHEN CLETUS SO THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE?”

scared

EWO!

My almost sugar daddy’s wife had come to fight him oh!

Shocked

Kasala don burst!

Before I could run away she had carried water and poured on me and started calling me “husband snatcher”.

pour water

Which kind of problem is this?

Ah! Before she carried food to add and pour on me I ran out of the place with speed and alacrity!

running away

Somebody help me!

That’s how I had to go back to the office looking like shame and regret.

shame

This is not the life I was promised!

Since that day this is me when any older looking man smiles at me:

ciara disappearing

It’s not me you people will kill!

The post My (Almost) Sugar Daddy And Me appeared first on Zikoko!.

The Struggles Of A Short-Sighted Nigerian

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1. When you know you’re almost blind but you can’t spoil your swegz with glasses.

carrying shoulders up

Can’t stain my bad guy.

2. You, trying to see the board when you sit at the back of the class:

looking

Can’t sit in the front with all those oversabis.

3. When you want to dub during test and you can’t see your seatmate’s paper.

crying meme

Is this my life?

4. When you tell your mother you need glasses and she says “…when you’re always watching TV.”

confused-kat-wiliams

Hian! From where to where?

5. You, when the optician tells you to read the last line’on the chart:

last line

Chineke!

6. The lens struggle:

eye doctor

The worst.

7. When you wear your glasses for the first time and realize how blind you actually are.

see krabs

WOW!

8. When your mother tries to force you to wear your glasses with that yeye rope.

excuse me

You sha want to dead my swegz completely.

9. When someone asks you if your glasses are “shakommended”.

i'm just looking at you

See question.

10. When your friends try on your glasses and say “you’re blind oh!”

eye roll

You don’t mean it?

11. When your friends start asking “how many fingers…”

shut ya mouth

Save it.

12. When teachers start assuming you know book because you are wearing glasses.

is it by that one

Abeg oh!

13. When people start debating if you look better with or without your glasses.

is it your face

Go and debate over Nigeria’s economy, biko.

14. “Do you take your bath with your glasses?”

eddy face face

Have sense na.

15. The ultimate struggle of trying to find your glasses without your glasses:

look

Kuku kill me.

The post The Struggles Of A Short-Sighted Nigerian appeared first on Zikoko!.

For Her

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She was more bone than skin, her body was mostly still with hairs, muscles and veins that were hard to find.

She barely spoke, moved, or ate. She mostly watched. Her vessels had failed but you could still see and feel all the life in her eyes, eyes that found their way from body into soul because her presence evoked that kind of honesty. She was shy so her smile spoke for her: a smile that stays even in her absence.

MESO 1

When she decided to speak, we talked dreams she dreamed and the figure that stood ceaselessly beside her. A figure I could not see but that didn’t matter. She narrated her favorite books and how she missed Anita, her best friend at school. She confessed thinking about her sometimes made her cry, maybe because memories of them playing tenten or tinko seemed like they would forever stay memories. She missed the way things were and just wanted back home to everyone and everything she loved. Her mother was there though, day through night and that had to be enough. When the silence came, we simply sat and listened to each other’s ways: slight gestures that spoke volumes, learning ourselves patiently, quietly. Her suffering was constant, but you couldn’t tell through those eyes and that smile.



She had lupus, an autoimmune disease that can be managed if caught early,

but was left to eat through her as she lay for months in some church with words and spit being showered at her under the guise of spiritual combat, prayer and miracles. A church governed by a false prophet who watched her suffer more everyday but wouldn’t release her. She was taken to the hospital after her body had failed and could no longer move.

The hospital functioned more like a dormitory: crammed with as many beds as possible and children afflicted by the worst kinds of ailments but no apparent aid in sight:

just parents’ soothing screams and tears from pain. There was one nurse sat at the entrance whose coldness and apathy seemed strange and out of place amidst so much suffering. The toilets reeked of everything, with doors barely hinged and floors browned from wet dirt and tears. She was discharged too soon from the hospital, they needed more bed space as though the room wasn’t tight or heavy enough.

HOSPITAL

Her parents, consumed by fear, worry, not enough money and misplaced hope were led back to the church where she died: naked, shivering from cold, pain and fear on unholy grounds after being bathed with salt and cold water as prophesied by the pastor, ignoring that her skin was rid with open wounds.

She was 11.

MESO 2

Bodies on bodies are piling up on unholy grounds, hospital beds and on open streets, every day and every second without a trace.

I think about her eyes, her smile and her life that was lost to a body fighting itself, her future that will never be because of a broken country and I cry.

The world she’ll never get to see, the experience of life on this mystery and journey of self, the currents, tides and stillness that is love, the lives she won’t get to shift, the life she’ll never get to give. I grieve not just for her but also for all of us that have been broken by this system with leaders much like the nurse sat by that hospital room entrance, with coldness and apathy on her sleeves. Bodies with minds, ideas, potential and so much future drowned to silence by the flood that is our system, consuming everyone and everything in sight leaving suffering, broken spirits and heavy souls behind. I think about the many lives, minds and dreams this system has killed and I grieve everyday.  

Yet and still, though plagued by suffering, greed, tribalism, terrorism, gender inequality, human inequality, false prophets, bribe, identity crisis, brown water or no water, low current or high current or darkness, no compassion, ignorance, holes in the ground, gutters for sidewalks, trash for roads, traffic, generator sounds, fuel scarcity no worthy infrastructure and far deeper crimes,

Nigeria is still my country, my home. My soul is here, everyone I love is here, everything I am is here, my reality and future is here, with more hope, potential, vision and essence than I have ever known.

Hope that exists because every one of us still breathe life with body, mind, soul, purpose and will. Hope that brings forth imaginations, visions and ideas for a time that is coming and will come, a future we all see and must now begin to interpret in order to build layer by layer, piece by piece for all of us, our children and their children. Hope that is my light in this darkness.



Hope became Exodus, a think tank for developing ideas in sectors and states through design process, imagination and compassion.

A movement of thinkers, mentors and partners with a collective purpose to shift the condition of Nigeria and the mind of its people, one vision and imagination at a time. A space where dreams and ideas are nurtured to life, where imagination is reality, where we gather to confront the things that plague us and the core where ripples begin. We cannot unsee or undo all this madness or suffering but we can choose to hold on to hope and plan for a future that will come, using our imagination and ideas as building blocks fortified with mind, body, soul, integrity, honesty, patience, compassion, hope, faith,  time and most of all, will.


Exodus cycles will function as incubators, guiding the process of bringing ideas from imagination into reality with weekend sessions and gatherings. The first cycle will begin August 6th 2016, join or seek further and apply if you are willing on http://exodus.ng



The post For Her appeared first on Zikoko!.

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