1. Him, whenever you try to talk about your relationship in public:

“What is understood does not need to be said.”

2. When you try to take a picture of him for social media:

“Put that camera away my friend!”

3. He insists you arrive at and leave events, separately.

Even now that petrol is 145? Ahn ahn!

4. He has several phones.

Does he sell phones? If no, then reassess the situation.

5. All the phones have vault level codes.

When it’s not like there are national security secrets stored on the phone.

6. When you finally meet his mum she asks “ah okay which one is this one?”

HAYYYYYY so I am one of many?

7. His weekday evenings are busy – but you’re not involved.

Everyday busy! busy! busy!

8. His weekends are also busy – but you’re not involved.

What is he doing oh?

9. When you ask him to introduce you to his female “friends”:

Why so  confused sir?

10. When you start talking about a “future” involving him:

I don’t get. I’m not joking sir!

11. When you try and find out about his past:

Ahn ahn! What are you hiding?

12. His friends call you “iyawo wa”

That usually means they are trying to cover up for him. Sorry!

1. The Super Wise Father

2. The IJGB Wannabe Father

3. The International Father

4. The Comedian Father

5. The Social Father

6. The Shady Father

7. The Posh Father

8. The Strict Father

9. The Neighborhood Bigman Father

10. The Street Father

1. The Strict Mother

2. The Caring and Overprotective Mother

3. The Emotional Mother

4. The Hyper Mother

5. The “Over-Extrovert” Mother

6. The “Razor Mouth” Mother

7. The Christian Mother

8. The Young Mother

9. The 21st Century Mother

10. The Newly Born Again Mother

11. The Generous Mother

12. The Fighting Mother

1. When your mother forces you to join the youth choir.

Hay God!

2. Every Nigerian choir’s best friend:

That Yamaha keyboard.

3. When you come for choir practice on Saturday and nobody is around.

You will now wait forever.

4. When the choir leader tells you that you’re taking the solo on Sunday.

Just like that?

5. When the choir hasn’t sang Kirk Franklin in two Sundays.

Something must be wrong.

6. Nigerian choirs and “Jehovah you are the most high” X 1000

They must sing it.

7. When the person leading praise and worship starts singing an oyinbo song nobody knows.

Where do you think you are?

8. How the choir runs to the mic when the pastor suddenly starts singing during the message:

Can’t leave the pastor hanging.

9. When the choir spends half of choir practice arguing about the colour scheme for Sunday.

Na wa for una.

10. When the choir leader tells everyone to wear a colour you don’t have in your wardrobe.

STRESS ME!

11. How the congregation gingers the children choir whenever they come to perform:

You people don’t clap for us like that oh.

12. When a guest choir comes and sings better than your own choir.

You tried small.

13. When a new choir member tries to suggest a song.

Sit down, biko.

14. When that oversabi chorister starts singing louder than the soloist during ministration.

Calm down, ma.

15. That choir member that always forgets to cover her hair then starts looking for handkerchief before ministration.

ALL THE TIME.

16. When the choir leader makes you sing one line from a song for 20 minutes.

Can we round up though?

17. When the person leading the ministration catches the holy spirit.

THE BEST!

18. When you hear “all choir members wait behind.”

NOOOOO!!!

19. You, whenever someone says “choir girls are the worst.”

I’ve heard you.

Davido is not anybody’s mate again. Earlier this year, he signed a record deal with Sony Records and now, he just bagged yet another deal with RCA Records.

His deal with RCA Records means he’ll be rubbing shoulders with international artistes like Zayn Malik, Usher, Miley Cyrus, Alicia Keys and even Aunty Taylor ‘Slytherin Snake’ Swift.

The gist of this signing came out when Sony Music Execeutive, Efe Ogbeni, shared the news on Instagram.

This came right after behind-the-scenes pictures of Davido’s video shoot with Tinashe, who is also signed to RCA Records, broke the internet.

Congratulations to Davido on this achievement!

We can’t wait to see how the full video turns out. You can listen to a snippet from his single with Tinashe, ‘How Long’, below.

Conseguimos uma prévia da colaboração entre Tinashe e Davido, ouça! pic.twitter.com/ErT3GExQIS

— Tinashe Brasil (@tinashebr) May 10, 2016

So l had been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year.

Sweet and juicy love!

And so he said it was a good time for him to meet my parents.

Ehn?

And because I have crazy Nigerian parents, we planned and plotted for almost 2 weeks so nothing would go wrong.

Its not easy like that oh!

I even prayed and fasted just in case.

One week dry fasting so even heaven knows that I’m serious.

The great day arrived and I was so nervous and stressed.

What am I doing for goodness sake?

Unfortunately (or fortunately), after all my planning my parents were stuck in traffic.

So I have to do another prayer again?

So after waiting for 3 hours, my boyfriend and I gave up on waiting.

Abeg we cannot come and die oh!

I escorted him to the car and kissed him goodbye (a bit too passionately but that is young sweet love).

Sweetest love!

Lo and behold, I turned around and saw my parents standing in front of the gate, looking at the both of us.

HAYYYY!

My mother was like:

Shame on you!

My father was like:

“This girl has spoilt oh!”

My boyfriend was like:

He could not even talk. Mumu!

I was like:

Why always me oh? Why always me?

That’s how I started stammering and trying to introduce this man that was licking my mouth and holding my waist.

“P-P-Please allow me explain”

Before I could even explain properly my mother was like:

Ah! Yes ma! Sorry ma!

My father was like:

Ewo!

My father even chased him away.

It was so embarrassing!

It took me a while to explain and explain that they “caught us at a bad time” and he’s a really great person.

Please you people come and see my life outside oh.

And they even finally agreed to meet him properly.

Ayyyyy finally!

BUT they still refer to him as “that one that was biting your mouth outside our gate abi?”

Can you imagine?

1. That cream she doesn’t want to accept has finished:

Mummy, let it go.

2. Those creams she only used once and never used again:

Why are they still there though?

3. The dusting powder that was more for you than her:

The answer to every skin condition known to man.

4. Her weave on’s best friend:

Always slacked, but they will never let it go.

5. Her anointing oil that is the answer to EVERYTHING:

Always there, just in case.

6. Her unofficial sewing kit:

The pain you feel when you open it expecting to actually see cookies.

7. Her matchy-matchy jewellery:

For her special Owambes.

8. Her all-purpose wig:

Always ready to give her that quick slay.

9. The reason that her wig has lasted so long:

Pink oil is every wigs fountain of youth.

10. That extra mirror she has even though the dressing table has one giant mirror:

WHY?

11. All the combs she has even though she only ever uses one:

via nappilynigeriangirl

When you’re not a hairdresser.

12. The brown powder that doesn’t even have to match her complexion:

They will still use it like that.

13. That tiny tray filled with drugs (by drugs, we mean paracetamol):

But look well because they are most likely expired.

14. Her infinite supply of cotton buds:

It’s always full.

For a country that’s home to amazing athletes like Blessing Okagbare and Seye Ogunlewe, it’s expected that these sportsmen are properly rewarded for their efforts.

Unfortunately, Nigerian athletes hardly enjoy any benefits and this video couldn’t be more saddening.

Although the Nigerian team qualified for the Summer Olympics, it was reported that the athletes were asked to buy their tickets to the trip themselves.

Some of them had to source for funds via their social media pages.

Outraged by this development, Nigerians tweeted their disappointment in the sports ministry.

It’s unfortunate that after training for years and making the team, they’re still being asked to pay for their tickets.

They shouldn’t be just sourcing for tickets 13 days to the Olympics.

Maybe Nigerian brands should pay more attention to these athletes during these times.

Perhaps, the people running with Nigeria’s money should kuku run for Nigeria.

The Nigerian government ought to invest in things that are more profitable to the country.

Meanwhile, in other countries….

It’s even more disappointing that the fastest man in Asia as at 2016 is Nigerian-born, Femi Ogunode.

via Phatill

For a country with a high unemployment rate, the sports sector should at least be adequately funded so that the Nigerian youth going into sports can be empowered.

Following the reaction from Nigerians on social media, the sports minister, Solomon Dalung, addressed the issue claiming the sports ministry had nothing to do with the email which was obviously signed by a deputy director in the ministry.

He also added that the athletes won’t be paying for their tickets and he will ensure their safe trip the Games Village in Rio.

UPDATE on #Rio2016: New letter makes it clear that FG will issue tickets to enable all athletes travel to and from Rio—as is expected.

— We ASOcial (@DigiCommsNG) July 23, 2016

We hope the government keeps their promise and gives these athletes all the support they need.

1. You, when you find out you’re going abroad and not to the village for the long holiday

Yassssss!!!

2. When you get to school and your friends ask what you’re doing this holiday:

I’m travelling!

3. When your friends start bringing out lists of things for you to bring back for them:

Do I look like  courier service?

4. Your mother’s idea of hand luggage:

Hello ma they said one small bag oh!

5. You, your siblings, and your cousins in the room ALL of you are forced to share

Just squashed like “sandine”.

6. What you think you’re going to be eating during the holidays:

Burger, pasta, fish & chips!

7. What you actually eat:

Might as well have stayed at home.

8. When your mom is shopping for you:

“2 items only!”

9. When your mum goes shopping for herself:

Money ain’t a thing!

10. Your parents idea of holiday activities:

Is it everyday sleep?

11. When your siblings start forming accent when you guys are in public.

Better not cut your tongue with all this “fiun fiun fiun” you people are doing.

12. When you realise you have to go home soon.

The abroad is sweet oh!

13. Then you remember you have new baffs, pictures and sweets.

Baddest Guy Ever Liveth!

If we’re being honest, success isn’t something that can be defined with simple terms. Basically, success means different things to many people.

And according to this Instagram user known as Ray Hushpuppi, the number of hot women he has slept with is proof that he isn’t a failure.

In his post, he said he wouldn’t have slept with so many women if he was a failure.

Na wa o! We didn’t know sex has become a measure of success sha.

Maybe he wants us to dash him World Cup for sleeping with hot women.

When someone is trying to form deep on top ordinary body count.

Instead of him to post his picture and face front.

He can’t kuku use the body count to collect money from the bank.

Okay, Mr Hushpuppi, we have heard, you’re not a failure.

Nigeria is seriously stunning, and if you rolled your eyes at that statement, these pictures taken by our fellow Nigerians with the TECNO Camon C9 should easily convince you.

1. This flawless picture of the Mapo Hall in Ibadan:

via @BeardedCoquet

2. Another picture of the Mapo Hall, because it’s just that beautiful:

via @BeardedCoquet

3. This beautiful shot of the Abuja National Mosque:

via @CapoeiraPanda

4. This wonderful picture of the must-see Zuma rock in Abuja:

via @UPNEPA

5. This breathtaking image of the Gurara Falls in Niger State:

via @SisiSugar

6. The lush landscapes in the beautiful city of Kaduna:

via @XperienceTECNO

7. This glorious picture of the Ferris wheel at the Polo Park Mall, Enugu:

via @UPNEPA

8. This impossible shot of the Ngwo Pine Forest in Enugu:

via @UPNEPA

9. This gorgeous aerial shot of Lagos:

via @peternkul

10. This beautifully constructed building in Victoria Island, Lagos:

via @ExtraFemiSocial

11. Another breathtaking aerial shot of Lagos, because Lagos:

via @top_rada

12. This stunning shot of the Okpu-Oku stream in Enugu:

via @SisiSugar

13. This amazing picture of Lagos’ Third Mainland bridge:

via @flygally

14. This flawless image of Agodi Parks & Gardens in Ibadan:

via @Tonyisie

15. This wonderful shot of the National Arts Theatre in Lagos:

via @OmoAlajah

So, if you want to have a camera that takes flawless pictures like these, get the TECNO Camon C9 and stop carrying last.

1. When they asked you to choose between Food and Nutrition and Agric.

The one with food, abeg.

2. You, entering ‘Food and Nutrition’ class expecting constant chow:

My stomach is ready.

3. When you realize the ‘Food’ in ‘Food and Nutrition’ is silent until practicals.

Why are you teaching me about carbohydrates ehn?

4. Your Food and Nutrition note after just one term:

Just kill me oh.

5. You, looking at the Food and Nutrition exam questions like:

I did not agree for this one oh.

6. When your teacher tells you to bring money to buy apron and cap for practical.

Please don’t stress me, abeg.

7. How your classmates start famzing you days to the practical:

Better famz well.

8. Your friends, waiting for you to finish practical like:

See these ones.

9. When the whole school hears that Food and Nutrition practical is over:

You people have not seen food before?

10. How people dodge your food when you’re the only boy doing Food and Nutrition:

Ah! Is it like that?

11. You, when teachers sef are using style to beg for food.

Better beg with your chest.

12. When your food is so good it reaches Administrative block:

I sabi the work.

13. What your Food and Nutrition teacher allows you to take to your class after the practical:

What is this, abeg?

14. How your teacher shares the cake you baked:

Hay God!

15. When that oversabi’s food is so bad, the teacher lets her take everything home.

It can pain sha.

On one peaceful day, instead of facing his work, a 28 year old labourer, Chikwandu, went to steal a phone worth N6,000 from someone’s van that was jejely parked on the street.

And because everyday is for the thief and one day is for the owner, someone caught him the act and shouted:

He got arrested and was charged to court for stealing in an Ebute Metta Chief Magistrates’ Court.

Instead of sentencing him to court, the judge, Chief Magistrate B.O. Ope-Agbe, ordered him to fill up two buckets with water and carry them up and down a flight of stairs 100 times.

He should kuku use the punishment to build his muscles as per fit fam.

Who knows, maybe there aren’t enough spaces for petty thieves in prison sef.

1. You, entering the birthday party with your dancing shoes like:

TURN UP!

2. The MC at every single Nigerian birthday party:

Always looking like they came out of a horror movie.

3. When the MC calls your age group to come out for the dancing competition.

My body is ready.

4. Awilo Longomba blessed us with the dancing competition song of our childhood:

5. When the DJ starts the music and you scatter leg to win that extra party pack.

Today is my day.

6. How you look at that child that is still dancing when the DJ stops the music:

See this one.

7. That child that refuses to leave the dance-floor without a fight:

Please come and be going.

8. You, when the MC asks the crowd “is he the winner?”

Baba God do it for your child.

9. How Nigerian adults always shout the answer:

Hian! Calm dow na.

10. When they use loudest clapping to measure the winner but you don’t have any friends.

See my life.

11. You, trying not to cry when they finally bounce you.

Let me hold myself.

12. You, when the MC now shouts “EVERYONE TELL HIM BYE BYE!”

Are you not a demon?

13. When the celebrant wins the dancing competition.

The making of Nigerian politicians.

1. That time Ini Edo wore an “almost wedding dress” to the AMVCA’s

via Bella Naija

Well…. she stood out sha.

2. When fuschia and black vomited all over Kcee

I mean guys, look at that belt!

3. That time Seyi Shay recycled her small umbrella that had been destroyed by heavy rain

Innovation is key!

4. When Mr Ibu took the “slim fit” look to another level

Awful!

5. That time Tiwa Savage draped her beautiful body in an empty potato sack

Mummy JamJam why now?

6. That time Ibinabo couldn’t wait for her tailor to finish sewing the outfit and just wore what was ready in good faith

Wowee!

7. Alex Ekubo with this flattened rubik’s cube

8. That time Susan Peters borrowed someone’s back up prom dress

via Bella Naija

Beautiful colour though.

9. When Jim Iyke took a fashion risk and it backfired

Next time just wear the complete trouser!

10. When Dencia wore a bejewelled pink blanket to the Grammy awards.

There’s a toddler looking for his/her blanket out there right now.

11. Yaw’s look is what happens when you’re unsure of what event you’re attending

So you try hedge your bets… but none of the bets in this case paid off sha.

12. Chika Ike wore this distressed purple mess to Mercy Johnson’s wedding

Only one question. WHY?

13. This outfit was great up until he decided to tuck his trousers into his calf length gladiators

Patoranking where the fashion dem dey?

14. When Belinda decided to form fashionable spider woman

Aunty no. Just no.

15. Denrele went with a golden mosquito net look a few years ago

A golden tragedy really.

1. The funny one

Everything joke, joke, joke, joke!

2. The smart one

Only him head boy, deputy head boy and labour prefect.

3. The fighter

Always one step away from entering prison.

4. The IJGB (I Just Got back)

Always doing “fiun fiun fiun” when the group is gisting.

5. The noisemaker

Always shouting up and down whether or not anyone else is listening.

6. The tenacious one

Always trying and trying and trying!

7. The party rider

Anytime, wherever!

8. The one with culpable deniability

Always has a way of escaping trouble.

9. The blast from the past

Always trying to attach himself into the group with one opinion on the gist that nobody asked for.

10. The likeable one

Everyone likes them even though they can’t really say why!

11. The one that writes names of noisemakers

He can caaassssssssttttt. Even before the teacher asks

12. The hardworking one

Even does extra homework sef.

13. The talkative one

One day, one story!

14. The one that only communicates via groupchat

Always travelling for one thing or the other.

15. The one always in the middle of one wahala or the other

If it’s not maths teacher, it’s assistant principal.

16. The one that moved away and everyone still misses them

Come backkkkk!

17. The silent operator

Works hard and gets things done without making noise.

18. The honest one

FOR WHERE!

1. When you’re begging your parents to let your friend come and visit you.

You have to bring PowerPoint presentation to convince them.

2. You, reminding you friend to greet your parents properly.

Better don’t be doing anyhow.

3. How your parents look at them if they come and visit earlier than 12pm:

Chai!

4. How your parents look at them if they are still in your house when it’s dark:

Be going, biko.

5. When your friend doesn’t greet your parents properly and you already know that friendship is over.

Chai! Time to find new friend.

6. How you look at your friend that prostrates to greet your parents:

They will now be comparing both of you forever.

7. When your parents spend half the visit interrogating your friends.

Okay, Mummy FBI, can you go now?

8. When your mother asks “have you offered your friend anything?” and they say no.

See this one. You don’t have food in your house?

9. When your friend of the opposite sex says they want to come to your house.

Abeg oh! I’m not ready to die yet.

10. When your mother offers them food and they reject it.

Hay God!

11. When your friend says “your parents are so nice.”

It’s because you’re here oh.

12. When you make them ask your parents to allow you to go out so they don’t say no.

I sabi, abeg.

13. How your friend looks when your parents start shouting on you in their presence:

Well, this is awkward.

14. When your friend wants to leave your house without telling your parents first.

Better respect yourself.

15. When your parents that were smiling with them start insulting them immediately they leave.

“Don’t bring that idiot to my house again.”

16. When it’s time to go and visit that friend and your parents ask “how many times have they come here?”

Are you serious?

It’s necessary for a country to have ambassadors that will represent Nigeria in foreign countries and this was why the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs screened 15 out of 47 ambassadorial candidates for confirmation on July 26.

Apparently, the candidates were expected to recite the national anthem as part of the exercise but the funniest thing happened.

via Daily Post

According to the amebo reported by Punch, some of them were unable to recite the national anthem.

In the report, the people at Punch said some of them were even chopping mouth when asked to recite the national pledge.

The funniest one was the candidate that first recited the old national anthem before he was eventually corrected. Maybe he forgot we’re in 2016 sha.

When people who are supposed to represent Nigeria can’t recite the National anthem and pledge properly.

But who are we to judge? We’re sure some of you have forgotten the national anthem and pledge.

But if you’re a bad guy like us, show yourself in the comment section and let us know if you can remember both of them.

1. Your “fruitful” grandfather

He is the reason you have a thousand aunties and uncles (and counting), and a million cousins (and counting).

2. Your long-suffering grandmother

It’s just because of God she is just managing herself for her children and grandchildren oh! But she is always happy to see you, your siblings and cousins.

3. Your sharp-mouthed step-grandmother

She can abuseeeeeeee everybody in the compound including her husband, children and grandchildren.

4. Your over-educated uncle

His day is not complete if he does not blow unnecessary grammar.

5. Your troublesome aunty

Before anybody can talk she has already scattered the whole place. Trouble follows her wherever she goes.

6. Your rich and dodgy uncle

Nobody is sure the source of his wealth but he’s always bringing different cars to visit the family.

7. Your classy aunty

Always so crisp and clean! You’re not even sure how she is related to you people sef.

8. Your stingy uncle

So so stingy! His wife and children are always complaining sef!

9. Your emotional aunty

She can CRY for Africa! If she’s happy oh, sad oh, pregnant oh, just won the lottery oh, all join. She must sha cry.

10. Your dissatisfied uncle

Always eyeing his siblings’ (including your parents) property and belongings. The reason you parents update their wills regularly.

11. Your recently “born again” aunty

She claims to no longer be “in the world” and now is always preaching up and down. One day, one message!

12. Your “get rich quick” uncle

He is always planning one scam or the other that will make him an overnight millionaire. He is yet to succeed sha.

13. Your suave uncle

Smooth, cool and fine. Can bamboozle his way in and out of any situation with a smile and a wink.

14. Your “hustling” cousin

She claims she owns a shop and that’s why she has so many bags and shoes but nobody in the family believes her.

15. Your “abroad” cousin

Comes home once every 4 years and spends his whole trip talking about “back in the Unided States”.

16. Your hot cousin

The baddest babe in the family! Everyone’s “go-to” for fashion and style tips.

17. Your “fine boy” cousin

Always has a new girlfriend and plenty girls are always chasing him sha. Thinks being a fine boy is a full time job.

18. Your dramatic cousin

Her emotions are always raised to power 100. So so extra!

19. The cantankerous twin cousins

There has been family meeting because of them a few times. Always causing trouble from one place to another.

20. Your “exposed” cousin

Because she travelled abroad once 3 years ago, she will not allow anybody hear word. Everyday “fiun fiun fiun”